Debbie Ballard is an American IT architect consultant, writer, and transgender activist whose remarkable journey reflects both innovation in technology and the resilience of living authentically. She was among the early pioneers who shaped the commercialization of the Internet in the 1990s, later became a leader in advancing Linux and Open Source technologies, and contributed to globalization initiatives that helped redefine how businesses and people connect across the world. With decades of experience at the forefront of technological progress, she has also carried a deeply personal story of navigating her identity in a time when being openly transgender often meant rejection, loss, or invisibility. Her autobiographical works, Debbie's Secret Life: LGBT in Stealth and Living in Stealth: Undercover, provide an unflinching look at what it means to grow up transgender while being forced to hide one’s true self. Written from her lived experience, these books are more than memoirs, they are heartfelt appeals to parents, teachers, counselors, and policymakers to understand the lifelong impact of denial and suppression.
Through them, Debbie gives voice to the pain of secrecy, the dangers of forced conformity, and the liberation that comes with embracing one’s authentic self. Debbie’s transition was not a straight path but a series of hard choices, interrupted attempts, and eventual perseverance. She had to balance her identity with her roles as a parent, professional, and spouse, often sacrificing her own happiness for the well-being of her children. Yet, with courage and determination, she returned to her transition later in life and has since embraced living fully as a woman. Today she not only reflects on her past but uses it to inspire others, showing that it is never too late to live as one’s true self. Her story carries lessons about fear and hope, about the cost of secrecy and the joy of authenticity. She advocates tirelessly online, in support groups, and through her writing, encouraging transgender women to talk, to reach out, and to never feel that they must face dysphoria alone. Debbie stands as both a trailblazer in the world of IT and a beacon of hope in the transgender community, reminding us that courage, truth, and love can transform even the most difficult journeys into lives of meaning and fulfillment.
Monika: Today I have the great pleasure of speaking with Debbie Ballard, an American IT architect consultant and writer. She is the author of two autobiographical books, Debbie's Secret Life: LGBT in Stealth (2013) and Living in Stealth: Undercover (2015), both of which shed light on the challenges and resilience of living as a transgender woman. Beyond her literary contributions, Debbie played a pioneering role in the evolution of modern technology, leading groundbreaking work in the commercialization of the Internet between 1992 and 1996, advancing Linux and Open Source from 1996 to 2004, and driving globalization initiatives from 2004 to 2013. Debbie, it is an honor to welcome you to this interview.
Debbie: Thank you, Monika. It’s a real pleasure to be here and to take part in this conversation.
Monika: To begin, could you share a little about your background and your journey so far?
Debbie: I’m a transgender woman. I knew that I was a girl inside by the time I was 2 years old. Several times during my life I reached out for help, and because of laws and restrictions on the medical profession, I was forced to keep my gender dysphoria a secret. I started to transition in 1988 and was about to start HRT when I was faced with the choice of giving up transition or never seeing my children again. Shortly after my daughter graduated from college, in 2009, I began to transition again. I went full-time in 2013 and have been living as a female ever since.
Monika: What inspired you to share your life story in writing?
Debbie: Both of my books are mostly autobiographical. My first book, Debbie’s Secret Life, was based on notes from 12-step inventories over the previous 30-plus years. This book was mainly to help other people understand what it was like to grow up transgender and what it was like to try to transition. It was a nice first effort, but much like many other transgender autobiographies.
Monika: How did your second book differ from the first one?
Debbie: The second book, Living in Stealth: Undercover, was intended to really focus on what happens to transgender girls who do not get help with transition. I grew up in a time when the so-called “treatment” for transgender girls was not transitioning, but rather an attempt at forced brainwashing that included shock therapy and aversion therapy, much like what is described in A Clockwork Orange. I had seen too many conservatives who had no clue what it was to be transgender. I wanted to write a book that was addressed to parents, teachers, counselors, therapists, doctors, and political leaders.
Monika: What message did you want your readers to take away from Living in Stealth: Undercover?
Debbie: This was a book intended to show people that most transgender girls are not Olympic athletes, and they are not even alpha males. Transgender girls have brains and biology that are different from cisgender men. Undercover describes the experience of knowing you are a girl and having to keep it a secret, like a spy working undercover, like a Jew living in Nazi Europe.
Monika: From your own journey, what lessons or insights do you feel could be most valuable for other transgender women?
Debbie: If I can do anything, I want to give transgender women hope, courage, and strength. We know too well the fear. When we are younger, there is the fear of being bullied by not just one or two boys, but a dozen or more at a time. Later, we fear losing friends, lovers, girlfriends, or boyfriends. Many of us go on to get married and live in fear of losing wives, children, property, and careers. In my books, I point out these fears, confronting them head-on, but I also show the wondrous life that opens up when we finally have the courage to be our true selves. I believe that sharing these struggles openly helps others realize they are not alone.
Monika: What would you say is the most important message you hope others take from your story?
Debbie: My greatest regret is that I had to wait 50 years to transition. I would like to spare others that regret. Transitioning earlier could have saved me years of pain, but even so, I want people to know that it is never too late to embrace who you truly are.
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Monika: Could you share the story of how your transition unfolded and the challenges you faced along the way?
Debbie: By the time I was 3 years old, most of my friends were girls, and I preferred the friendship and company of girls to boys. When I was 6, we traded clothes with each other and the girl whose house we were playing in got very upset. She rushed me into the bathroom, stripped me, called me evil and an abomination, put me in my boy’s clothes, and sent me home. She then called the school, the PTA, and through the phone tree, reached the school board, the principal, and the teacher. After that, I was forbidden to play with girls during school hours.
Monika: How did being forced to play with boys affect you at that time?
Debbie: I was forced to play with boys, and nearly every time, the result was beatings, injuries, bruises, and often even hospitalizations. Dressing up was my only chance to feel right, and I did it often. By the time I was 10, I fit my mom’s clothes and was a very pretty girl. But because of the laws and medical profession standards of the time, I had to keep it a secret.
Monika: What role did your parents play in shaping your sense of self during those years?
Debbie: In other areas, my parents were very supportive of my transgender nature. I learned to cook, crochet, knit, sew, and do housework, including laundry, ironing, and cleaning. My dad frequently said, “You’ll marry a rich doctor or lawyer and be a wonderful housewife.”
Monika: How did your college experience influence your understanding of yourself?
Debbie: I went to a women’s college, one of 25 men in a college with over 800 women. I loved being one of the girls. Ironically, they saw that I was a girl inside, but when they gave me a magazine of transvestite men with hairy legs and flat chests in hose and dresses, I found it disgusting. I knew how to be a pretty woman, but no one saw that.
Monika: When did you finally feel able to begin transitioning openly?
Debbie: I started transitioning in 2009, shortly after returning from a business trip to Saudi Arabia. I went to Sweden and began developing my female public persona. By the time I got back to the United States, I had set up e-mail and Facebook accounts as Debbie Lawrence. When my dad was about to die, he asked me to come out to Colorado. His first conversation was, “If I can’t give you anything else, I want to give you this – be yourself, even if that means being Debbie.” I almost broke down right then. Later, he saw me with my long hair and light makeup and thought I was my mother, coming from heaven to take him home. He told me he loved his beautiful oldest daughter. A few months later, I was starting HRT.
Monika: It is fascinating to see so many talented transgender women thriving in the IT industry, including Lynn Conway, Jessica Bussert, Danielle Hallett, Kate Craig-Wood, Rebecca Heineman, Megan Wallent, and of course yourself. What has your own journey in technology been like?
Debbie: When you are transgender and left-handed, you have to learn many different ways of approaching problems, many different views of the world, and many different methods of misdirection and perception of others. Many of us have extremely high IQs.
Monika: How did your early interests shape your path toward technology?
Debbie: The IT industry is an area where gender is not considered relevant. In fact, women in IT are appreciated. When you aren’t allowed to play with girls and playing with boys is dangerous, you have a lot of time to yourself. My mom encouraged my feminine interests, but my dad also wanted to encourage my interest in technology. I had a chemistry set at 8, my first crystal radio at 9, I learned Morse Code by 10, had a ham radio license by 11, a general class license by 12, and was reading and doing math at the college level by the time I was 13.
Monika: What challenges did you face socially during those years?
Debbie: Unfortunately, I was also lacking social skills. Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory is very much like me when I was 13. My mother insisted that I spend more time with children my own age instead of adults. I joined a friend’s church youth group but was quickly kicked out because I got into a biblical argument with the youth pastor, and I was winning.
Monika: Outside of science and technology, what other passions did you explore?
Debbie: I developed an interest in music, theater, performing arts, and stagecraft. I enjoyed performing, but I also enjoyed directing and managing. Over time, I developed the skills and mindset necessary to manage and coordinate very diverse teams, both in skills and culture. Ironically, my perspective from growing up as a girl in a boy’s world made this even easier.
Monika: How did these experiences lead to your professional career in IT?
Debbie: During and after college, I paid the bills by doing technical sales, working with electronic parts, CB radios, stereos, VCRs, video games, and computers. A customer gave me my first programming job. I started with smaller companies, often working shoulder to shoulder with PhDs from MIT on some cutting-edge technologies. When IBM called, I was very excited because I knew they had a strong diversity program. I had even heard that they covered HRT and SRS. I have been grateful to work for a company that encouraged me to switch to full-time as Debbie as soon as I was ready.
Monika: During your transition, were there any transgender women who served as role models or sources of inspiration for you?
Debbie: Several. I had seen adult films of Sulka and Shannon, as well as read books about Christine Jorgensen. I have also read some autobiographies, including a number of books on Kindle. I have been active in several transgender support groups both online and offline, as well as several Facebook groups. Seeing other women going through transition, witnessing the results of HRT, and hearing about SRS gave me the courage and strength to continue with my own transition.
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Monika: Are there any transgender women today whose work or lives you particularly admire and respect?
Debbie: I am a big fan of Katie Leone (Leanard). I love her books and they almost always leave me moved, touched, and inspired. I also love the books by Karin Bishop, who also touches my soul with her writing. I hope someday to be as good a writer as these women. I don’t know if Maddie Bell is transgender or not, but I love the Gaby series. It seems like the story has taken forever to evolve, but I can’t wait to read the next installment.
Monika: Reflecting on your journey, what would you say was the most challenging aspect of coming out as transgender?
Debbie: Overcoming my own fears. I had always thought that I had kept my secret pretty well. I was afraid that if people knew, I would get bullied again, be thrown out of college, lose my girlfriend or wife, lose my job, lose my home, or lose my kids. Facing these fears was overwhelming, but it also made me stronger over time.
Monika: Can you tell me about the lowest point you experienced during that period?
Debbie: In 1977, I hit bottom. I had turned to drugs and alcohol and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I tried to commit suicide again, this time by swallowing glass shards and ground glass, and I didn’t tell anybody for four days. When I told them I was a girl inside, they told me I couldn’t talk about that ever again. I don’t ever want to go to that place again. Experiencing that taught me the importance of seeking help and support when needed.
Monika: How did people react once you finally came out?
Debbie: Once I came out, I found out that my “big secret” wasn’t that much of a secret. At my high school and college reunions, nearly everybody said, “It’s about time!” Everybody knew there was a girl inside. They were afraid to talk to me about it because they feared I would reject them if they did. Realizing this helped me understand that people often see the truth long before we feel ready to share it.
Monika: Was there any moment in your transition that you particularly regret or wish had gone differently?
Debbie: The hardest part about coming out was when I had to abort my first transition. I had lost over 100 pounds, I was healthier than I had ever been, I had some great relationships, I had friends, I had a great job, and I had some wonderful kids. Aborting transition was a horrible idea. I doubled my weight, I had a heart attack and a stroke, I struggled with work and relationships, and I didn’t see my kids face-to-face for five years. I should never have aborted the transition. Looking back, I realize how important it is to trust your own path and timing.
Monika: Being part of the broader LGBT community, how do you feel the transgender community manages to promote its own issues and visibility within that group?
Debbie: There are so many things we have in common with the LGBT community. Long before boys who were actually homosexual were persecuted for being gay, everybody assumed I was gay because I was so feminine. In elementary school, they called me “Sissy,” in junior high they called me “Fairy” and “Queer.” In high school, many boys who were actually gay asked me for dates. I introduced them to each other and enjoyed their protection, one of them being a full-back on the football team. These early experiences helped me understand the complexity of social labels and stereotypes.
Monika: How did people perceive your sexuality and gender identity as you grew up?
Debbie: Most of the gay men assumed that I was just gay and feminine. When asked “Are you gay?” I would honestly say, “Yes, I’m a lesbian.” I’m bisexual by preference, enjoying certain types of men. I had a crush on David Cassidy and Davy Jones of the Monkees, but in practice, I have preferred lesbian activities with women. I was never well endowed and did not like it when men or women tried to seduce me as a boy. It seemed rough, crude, and even painful. This taught me early on to understand and respect my own boundaries.
Monika: What misconceptions do people outside the LGBT community often have about transgender women?
Debbie: The important thing is that those outside the LGBT community tend to treat us as one group. Right-wing conservatives, homophobes, and transphobes are often rather ignorant about the distinctions between the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender communities. Transgender women are often assumed to be Drag Queens like RuPaul. While some Drag Queens are transgender women, only a very small percentage of transgender women are Drag Queens, dressing up as overly feminine women for entertainment purposes. This misunderstanding creates unnecessary obstacles for our community.
Monika: What challenges do transgender women commonly face that overlap with the broader LGBT experience?
Debbie: There are so many things we have in common. The bullying, the harassment, the violence, the high suicide rates, the fear of coming out, the lies, the deceit, the isolation, and the fear of actual rejection by family, friends, love interests, communities, and employers. These challenges shape our resilience and make the need for supportive networks essential.
Monika: How does sexual preference factor into the experiences of transgender women within and outside the LGBT community?
Debbie: Keep in mind that transgender women can have the same range of sexual preferences as anyone else. Some transgender women like men and consider themselves heterosexual. Others are attracted to women and consider themselves lesbian. Many of us are bisexual, attracted to some men and some women. Some are attracted to partners who exhibit transgender traits, for example, women who are more “Butch” or men who are more “Femme.” As a transgender woman, many of my lovers were bisexual and considered me the best of both worlds. Understanding these dynamics helps break down stereotypes about our desires and relationships.
END OF PART 1
All the photos: courtesy of Debbie Ballard.
© 2016 - Monika Kowalska
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