Monika: Every transition has its own timeline and its own cost. When did yours begin?
Jessica: I fell off the bridge at the age of 30 and began transition soon after. By the time I was 30, I was pretty well established as a male EMT. When you transition, you have to completely tear down your entire life and rebuild it from the rubble. It takes a long time, but it eventually irons itself out. I'm close with my family now, but I think they struggled with everything too. People don't understand that it's not just a transition for you; everyone around you is transitioning as well. I love you, Mum!!!
I remember when I first started HRT, I was rather crazy due to the sudden hormone shifts. I think most trans folk can relate to this experience. Looking back, I was shocked that I still had friends at the end of it.
Monika: Starting HRT can be an intense experience, both physically and emotionally. Looking back, what do you remember most about that period, and what surprised you about the people who stayed by your side?
Monika: Starting HRT can be an intense experience, both physically and emotionally. Looking back, what do you remember most about that period, and what surprised you about the people who stayed by your side?
Jessica: I'm not going to lie: most transgender people will lose friends, and the existing ones change a lot. Overall, I think most people will stand by you if they love you. I'd definitely say it's a hard process, and that's an understatement. In the end, it was completely worth it, but I would never want to go through that process again.
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| With fellow EMS providers after a book event. |
Monika: Passing is such a loaded test for so many transgender women. You're a beautiful woman yourself, but what about others who struggle every day to pass? What would you recommend to them?
Jessica: Thank you for the compliment. I know I'm one of the lucky ones who do pass, but believe it or not, I haven't had any surgeries. When I was in the recovery process after the bridge incident, I spent a lot of time on the internet researching. I read everything from walking to voice therapy. It really took a few years to start "passing".
The one thing I put money toward was voice therapy. I was slowly starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, so I was becoming more social. I felt that a deep voice was a handicap. I always said that the day I passed in a gay bar and somebody called me ma'am on the phone would be the day I knew I'd made it.
Monika: Beyond clothing, makeup, or voice, what do you think really helps someone develop confidence and eventually feel comfortable in her own skin?
Jessica: I personally believe most of passing comes down to the way you carry yourself. Work on these small things, and you're almost there. Really try to train yourself, and one day it'll come naturally. There's a lot more to it than the clothes you wear. You have to sell the total package.
I don't think any of this is the true measure of the woman inside your skin. That comes from deep within, and you have to explore that for yourself. You'll eventually grow into a unique type of woman, and that's something everyone has to find on their own. However, these tiny little things will help your process go a little more smoothly.
Monika: Some say modern cosmetic surgery has made transitioning realistic even in your late 50s or 60s. Do you agree, and what would you tell a transgender woman starting out at that age?
Jessica: I've had zero surgeries. I'd personally love to have SRS someday, but because of hemophilia, it's just not in the cards for me. That said, I've seen truly amazing transformations from cosmetic surgery.
For trans women who don't pass, I think it's a great option, but it's expensive. I know a lot of trans women can't afford these surgeries. My only advice is that people shouldn't get carried away with it. Too much plastic surgery really looks bad on anyone, not just trans people.
Jessica: I've had zero surgeries. I'd personally love to have SRS someday, but because of hemophilia, it's just not in the cards for me. That said, I've seen truly amazing transformations from cosmetic surgery.
For trans women who don't pass, I think it's a great option, but it's expensive. I know a lot of trans women can't afford these surgeries. My only advice is that people shouldn't get carried away with it. Too much plastic surgery really looks bad on anyone, not just trans people.
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| Jessica and her Mother. |
Monika: Did you have any transgender role models to look up to during your own transition? How much did you actually know about being transgender at that time?
Jessica: I have to say that Andrea James was a role model for me when I began to transition. Back then, there weren't as many transgender women in the public eye. I just thought Andrea was really cool, and I was impressed with what she does in the world. I admired what she was able to accomplish even though she was trans, and I remembered that during my transition.
A few months ago, Andrea spoke at a local university. I ended up hanging out with her that night, along with a couple of other transgender friends of mine. It was really an incredible experience, and she's just as cool in person as I thought she'd be.
Monika: Has love found its way into your life? Have you ever been married?
Jessica: I've never been married, and I have no kids. I have 3 cats though. I was always awkward with dating. When I was young, I didn't know who I was, let alone feel comfortable going to bed with anyone. I actually didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. I believe I was only able to have sex with her because I loved her.
Monika: Now that you feel comfortable with yourself, has dating become any easier, or does being a transgender woman still make intimacy complicated?
Jessica: Although I finally feel comfortable with myself, I always see dating as a pain in the butt, especially for a trans woman. A lot of people are interested until they find out you're trans. I was never comfortable telling a person I'd just met. The timing always seemed awkward, and I'm always scared of the reaction.
I will never so much as kiss a person unless they know I'm trans. I've come to peace with the fact that I'm single. I wouldn't be as free to do my work and advocacy, which is something that makes me really happy. I think it would be great to meet somebody, but I'm not counting on it. I'm honestly very happy being single.
I will never so much as kiss a person unless they know I'm trans. I've come to peace with the fact that I'm single. I wouldn't be as free to do my work and advocacy, which is something that makes me really happy. I think it would be great to meet somebody, but I'm not counting on it. I'm honestly very happy being single.
Monika: You've also chosen a life of abstinence. What led you there, and what does intimacy mean to you these days?
Jessica: It's been about 6 years since I've had sex with anyone. It's not for religious reasons or anything, and I don't expect others to live the same way I do. I had a one-night stand once, and when it was over, I looked in the mirror and felt cheap and used. I'd worked so damn hard to become the person I am today, and I'm worth a lot more than a cheap screw.
To me, sex isn't worth having if there isn't love. Given that I don't date much, and I'll only have sex with people I share feelings with, I simply don't have sex.
Another reason is that I was exposed to HIV at a very young age. I've seen its effects. By some miracle, I made it out of the '80s without it, and I'm not getting it now.
To me, sex isn't worth having if there isn't love. Given that I don't date much, and I'll only have sex with people I share feelings with, I simply don't have sex.
Another reason is that I was exposed to HIV at a very young age. I've seen its effects. By some miracle, I made it out of the '80s without it, and I'm not getting it now.
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| PNC Park in Pittsburgh. |
Monika: And what do you enjoy most about being a woman?
Jessica: This is actually a tough one. What makes a woman? I know butch women and girly women. Both have vastly different interests. I personally like the fact that I can relax and enjoy being myself, but I'm not sure if that's really a female trait. If I had to really pick something, I'd say my mindset.
Now that my body is filled with estrogen, the world looks better, and I have all these wonderful emotions now. It's truly remarkable and something I always have trouble explaining. I could also say that I just love being a woman in the world. I guess after living so many years as a guy, I'm just happy to be myself now.
Monika: Some transgender women get pulled into political work and lobbying. Have you, and do you think trans women can really move the needle there?
Jessica: I haven't gotten involved with any political campaigns yet, but that's something I wouldn't mind doing in the future. I find politics fascinating. I even carry the Constitution in my purse. I also love a good debate, but I really have to be in the mood. I'm not talking about a yelling match; I mean two adults from opposite ends of the spectrum sitting down and debating an issue. Unfortunately, civil compromise is hard to find these days, so I've gotten burned out on politics.
Monika: Your own political journey has taken you through different parts of the spectrum. How did your views shift as you grew more comfortable with yourself?
Jessica: Believe it or not, I grew up a Republican. I still don't believe the real Republican party is the clowns we see today. I got so disgusted with those people that I left the party. I think my Republican days were another form of overcompensating, back when I was denying who I was.
Monika: From there you landed as a Libertarian, while drifting further left at the same time. What still appeals to you on each side, and where do you think those philosophies break down?
Monika: From there you landed as a Libertarian, while drifting further left at the same time. What still appeals to you on each side, and where do you think those philosophies break down?
Jessica: Yes, I'm currently a registered Libertarian, but I think that's going to change soon too. The nice thing about them is that when they say "small government", they actually mean it. The problem is that most don't want any government at all. I'm sorry, but I like the government fixing potholes and regulating food. These aren't things that should be left to private donors.
Libertarianism is something that looks great on paper but wouldn't work in the real world. I'm definitely finding myself leaning more to the left these days.
Libertarianism is something that looks great on paper but wouldn't work in the real world. I'm definitely finding myself leaning more to the left these days.
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| Slippery Rock University. |
Monika: Here's a bold one for you: could you imagine a transgender woman becoming President of the United States in our lifetime?
Jessica: Ha! I would love to say yes, but I don't think so. The US just elected our first black president, and that brought some real racial feelings to the surface. The USA still hasn't had a woman president or an openly gay president. I believe the country is ready for a genetic woman to be president, but an openly gay person would have a tough time, let alone a transgender president.
There are a few transgender politicians out there, and I think that's incredible. I think trans folk can achieve this on a local or state level, and even a national congressional seat, but I just don't see it happening in the highest office of the US yet.
Monika: Beauty pageants for transgender women, what's your honest opinion of them?
Jessica: I think beauty pageants are pretty silly overall. I think they tend to focus on the wrong things, not the things that truly make a woman beautiful. I'd rather see women doing spectacular things with their lives, and not focus so much on outer beauty.
That's just my personal opinion. I also believe strongly in the freedom to live your life the way you want, as long as you're not hurting anyone in the process. So if somebody dreams of being in a pageant, then go for it. It's just not something I'm personally into.
Monika: Fashion for a moment. Do you enjoy it, what do you usually wear, and are there any designs, colors, or trends you gravitate toward?
Jessica: I guess I'm not much of a trendy girl. I tend to wear a lot of peasant tops, jeans, and wedge boots. If I'm at a speaking gig or working on a particular issue, I usually wear a pencil skirt. I love pencil skirts! They're classy and sexy.
My Mum taught me well: we're total bargain shoppers. We go to a lot of outlets and such. I guess you could say I don't buy the trends of the season; I wait until they land on the clearance rack.
My Mum taught me well: we're total bargain shoppers. We go to a lot of outlets and such. I guess you could say I don't buy the trends of the season; I wait until they land on the clearance rack.
Monika: What about your local LGBT community, are you involved there at all?
Jessica: I consider myself a freelance trans advocate. I speak at colleges and work on various issues that pop up around Pittsburgh. I'm one of the better-known trans advocates in my area. When the book came out, that gave me some credibility, and I was able to build from that. I've met some incredible people over the past few years. Some are local legends. I hope to keep doing this work for some time.
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| American Heroes |
Monika: Quite a few transgender women end up writing memoirs. Has that idea ever crossed your mind?
Jessica: I have thought about it. I have hemophilia, I'm a transgender woman, and I worked in EMS for 12 years, each of those could be a book in itself. I actually sat down and started writing it once. It was really hard for me to talk about certain things.
I also can't tell my story without mentioning certain people, and I don't want them to be alienated. Maybe someday I will, but not in the near future. Besides, I had my moment with American Heroes. It's time for another person to take the spotlight.
As far as a memoir, I used to have a video blog on YouTube, but I deleted all of my videos. It was kind of painful to look at myself from back then.
I don't blog either. If I ever write, I'm usually writing fan fiction for comic books or Dungeons & Dragons. That makes me happy. I guess I get my story out there by doing interviews like this, my speaking gigs, and working on issues that pop up.
Monika: After everything, would you call yourself a happy woman today?
Jessica: Happy is the understatement of the decade. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can do anything I can dream of, and nothing is going to stop me. I've never felt so empowered, and I'm loving every minute of it! It was a long, hard process to get to this point, but it was well worth it.
Monika: Jessica, thank you for the interview!
Jessica: I have thought about it. I have hemophilia, I'm a transgender woman, and I worked in EMS for 12 years, each of those could be a book in itself. I actually sat down and started writing it once. It was really hard for me to talk about certain things.
I also can't tell my story without mentioning certain people, and I don't want them to be alienated. Maybe someday I will, but not in the near future. Besides, I had my moment with American Heroes. It's time for another person to take the spotlight.
As far as a memoir, I used to have a video blog on YouTube, but I deleted all of my videos. It was kind of painful to look at myself from back then.
I don't blog either. If I ever write, I'm usually writing fan fiction for comic books or Dungeons & Dragons. That makes me happy. I guess I get my story out there by doing interviews like this, my speaking gigs, and working on issues that pop up.
Monika: After everything, would you call yourself a happy woman today?
Jessica: Happy is the understatement of the decade. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can do anything I can dream of, and nothing is going to stop me. I've never felt so empowered, and I'm loving every minute of it! It was a long, hard process to get to this point, but it was well worth it.
Monika: Jessica, thank you for the interview!
END OF PART 1
All the photos: courtesy of Jessica McGuinness.
© 2013 - Monika Kowalska
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