Monika: ANCGA quickly became involved in some very visible community events. Looking back at those first Pride
celebrations and Transgender Day of Remembrance events, what do they represent to you?
Kelly: In January 2017 I was the Keynote Speaker at the North Country March for Unity & Respect held in Plattsburgh NY. My remarks centered on the acceptance of diversity in promoting unity among all people. In June 2017, I was once again the Keynote speaker at the We Exist rally in Plattsburgh NY to commemorate the 45 anniversary of the passing of federal Title IX civil and educational rights protections in the US.
Kelly: In January 2017 I was the Keynote Speaker at the North Country March for Unity & Respect held in Plattsburgh NY. My remarks centered on the acceptance of diversity in promoting unity among all people. In June 2017, I was once again the Keynote speaker at the We Exist rally in Plattsburgh NY to commemorate the 45 anniversary of the passing of federal Title IX civil and educational rights protections in the US.
Monika: The transgender community is said to be thriving now. As Laverne Cox announced, “Trans is beautiful.”
Teenage girls become models and dancers, talented ladies become writers, singers, and actresses. Those ladies
with an interest in politics, science, and business become successful politicians, academics, and businesswomen.
What do you think in general about the present situation of transgender women in contemporary society? Are we
just scratching the surface or the change is really happening?
Kelly: First I think we need to expand the conversation, not just about Transgender women, but we also need to remember and include our Transgender men who are often forgotten and left out of most Transgender conversations. With that in mind, it is time the Transgender community makes ourselves known in all segments of society throughout the world in everyday life, in every profession. The Transgender community is full of talented, smart, active individuals who wish to make this world a better more understanding, accepting, and inclusive place to live our authentic lives.
We are just beginning to come out and show the world stage who we are. As with any societal or cultural movement, it takes time. But this is a movement that once we began, will not end. This societal change IS HAPPENING! Finally!!!
Monika: The transgender community is often discussed as part of the broader LGBTQ movement, but its concerns are not always the same as those of the other communities. Do you feel transgender people have enough space to advocate for their own rights within the LGBTQ umbrella?
Kelly: This is truly the decade in which the Transgender community is making itself known. The Gay & Lesbian communities have done much work over the past 20+ years to bring attention to sexual orientation issues. Now is our time to bring attention to gender identity and expression issues. In many respects, I believe the Gay and Lesbian communities have left us to our own devices. They have all the rights and protections they sought.
Kelly: First I think we need to expand the conversation, not just about Transgender women, but we also need to remember and include our Transgender men who are often forgotten and left out of most Transgender conversations. With that in mind, it is time the Transgender community makes ourselves known in all segments of society throughout the world in everyday life, in every profession. The Transgender community is full of talented, smart, active individuals who wish to make this world a better more understanding, accepting, and inclusive place to live our authentic lives.
We are just beginning to come out and show the world stage who we are. As with any societal or cultural movement, it takes time. But this is a movement that once we began, will not end. This societal change IS HAPPENING! Finally!!!
Monika: The transgender community is often discussed as part of the broader LGBTQ movement, but its concerns are not always the same as those of the other communities. Do you feel transgender people have enough space to advocate for their own rights within the LGBTQ umbrella?
Kelly: This is truly the decade in which the Transgender community is making itself known. The Gay & Lesbian communities have done much work over the past 20+ years to bring attention to sexual orientation issues. Now is our time to bring attention to gender identity and expression issues. In many respects, I believe the Gay and Lesbian communities have left us to our own devices. They have all the rights and protections they sought.
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| At the "We Exist" rally (YouTube) |
In New York State, sexual orientation is a part of the state’s Human Rights protected classes. Yet, in my mind,
many in the Gay & Lesbian community do little for Transgender or Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary civil
rights. As we know, Gay, Lesbian, and Bi/Pansexual people deal with sexual orientation. The Transgender,
Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary community is about gender identity and expression.
On top of gender identity, we also need to express and be accepted for our own sexual orientation. Many people still get these two very different aspects of our lives confused. Many CIS gender heterosexual people try to combine these two aspects of our lives into one classification. Society tries to lump anyone who is not Cis Gender or Heterosexual into the LGBTQI+ umbrella when really we are all separate communities of people with many different and sometimes competing needs.
On top of gender identity, we also need to express and be accepted for our own sexual orientation. Many people still get these two very different aspects of our lives confused. Many CIS gender heterosexual people try to combine these two aspects of our lives into one classification. Society tries to lump anyone who is not Cis Gender or Heterosexual into the LGBTQI+ umbrella when really we are all separate communities of people with many different and sometimes competing needs.
Monika: If transgender people cannot simply rely on the broader LGBTQ movement to speak for them, what do you believe we need to do to make our own voices impossible to ignore?
Kelly: The Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary communities, along with our allies who love, accept and support us, need to work for ourselves to steer our own path, to guide our own future, and not be dependent on others. We need to speak up, act up, and make our voices and presence known everywhere in society in a positive way. We need to show who we are - brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, neighbors, coworkers, coaches, teachers/educators wishing only to live in an open and accepting society as our true and authentic selves.
I hope we will make a very positive impact on the local/regional communities in which we live our everyday lives. We need parents of Transgender children to speak up and advocate for their children. We need our allies to march hand in hand with us and fight for basic human civil rights.
Monika: Visibility is clearly a big part of that fight. When you look back at the way transgender people and our stories have been portrayed in films, television, newspapers, books, and other media, what do you think the media has gotten right, and where are we still being let down?
Kelly: With few exceptions, especially in films and on television, many Transgender characters were played by CIS gender actors or actresses and not by people in the Transgender community. It is time Transgender actors or actresses assume Transgender character roles! This sends the constant message that Transgender people are not to be actually seen, but it’s alright to depict us, often in very unflattering ways, by CIS gender people to make the topic more digestible. I am happy that slowly there are some Transgender people finally able to break through, such as Candis Cane and Laverne Cox.
Still, there are many more roles in film and television that Transgender people need to fill.
I love many of the stories I read on Facebook and other social media sites in terms of Transgender newsworthy events. We need those positive stories of personal success and the struggles we endure in everyday life. We are a resilient, determined community of people. Our stories need to be told and listened to. The result of many of these stories is often a personal and societal triumph for our often much-maligned community.
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| Book via Amazon. |
Monika: You have spoken about film, television, and social media. But there is another medium that can preserve our experiences in a very different way: books. What place do you think books have in helping people understand transgender lives?
Kelly: I love reading books written by our transgender youth and young adults. It is important that people know
the struggles and successes our children and their families go through. It is important not only for members and
allies of the Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary community to read these but more importantly
non-community members. It is important for parents of Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary children to
read these books to know they are not alone in their struggles that others have and are currently walking the same
path. I personally have in my collection books written by Jazz Jennings, Nicole Maines, Katie Rain Hill, Aaron
Andrews, Terri, and Vince Cook among many other titles. I heartily recommend these to anyone interested in gaining
an understanding of life as a Transgender person.
Monika: You have spent years working for change rather than simply talking about it. Tell me about your involvement in lobbying campaigns.
Kelly: Again I wish to take gender out of the equation and talk about Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary people which include Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary men.
I think Transgender people can, will, and do make a difference in everything we do. That includes politics! In the US this year, several Transgender people were elected into various state legislatures. Many more are or will be on the ballot in the coming years. We see “haters” voted out or not elected to begin with. More Transgender people need to enter the political arena, win those important seats on the local, state, and national levels.
Monika: You have spent years working for change rather than simply talking about it. Tell me about your involvement in lobbying campaigns.
Kelly: Again I wish to take gender out of the equation and talk about Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary people which include Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary men.
I think Transgender people can, will, and do make a difference in everything we do. That includes politics! In the US this year, several Transgender people were elected into various state legislatures. Many more are or will be on the ballot in the coming years. We see “haters” voted out or not elected to begin with. More Transgender people need to enter the political arena, win those important seats on the local, state, and national levels.
For the past several years I have been involved in groups working to pass the Gender Expression Non-Discrimination
Act – GENDA in New York State. Every year the bill does not pass, the following year we need to start over from
the beginning with our legislature which becomes very frustrating. GENDA has passed the New York State Assembly
for 10 consecutive years! The Senate has refused to bring the bill to the floor for the past 15 years for
discussion, consideration, or a vote!
In November of 2015 our Governor, Andrew Cuomo issued an Executive Action whereby the New York State Transgender community was “granted” implicit protections by redefining the States Human Rights laws to include transgender under the categories of “sex” and “disability”. As we have seen on the US Federal level, the Executive Actions and Orders of a past leader can be overturned by the current leader. That is why having these protections written “explicitly” into New York State law is so vitally important. Our work and struggle continue!
Monika: Listening to you talk about all those years of activism makes me curious about the woman behind the activist. When did you finally reach the point where you decided, “I am going to live as myself,” and what was the road from that decision like?
Kelly: For a woman who will freely admit to being in my mid to late ’40s, I lead a dual-gender life for my entire life. My “secret” was hidden to most people (including family and close friends) known only to a select few. After two terrible years in 2010 and 2011, in the winter and spring of 2012 when I made the very hard decision to “live” I slowly began the process of planning my transition.
As stated above I began taking hormones in August of 2012, then sought medical assistance in August of 2014. My transition, for me personally, was initially a very slow process. I knew what I always wanted, but was never really sure transitioning would be something I could successfully accomplish. Still, my body was changing, transforming.
In November of 2015 our Governor, Andrew Cuomo issued an Executive Action whereby the New York State Transgender community was “granted” implicit protections by redefining the States Human Rights laws to include transgender under the categories of “sex” and “disability”. As we have seen on the US Federal level, the Executive Actions and Orders of a past leader can be overturned by the current leader. That is why having these protections written “explicitly” into New York State law is so vitally important. Our work and struggle continue!
Monika: Listening to you talk about all those years of activism makes me curious about the woman behind the activist. When did you finally reach the point where you decided, “I am going to live as myself,” and what was the road from that decision like?
Kelly: For a woman who will freely admit to being in my mid to late ’40s, I lead a dual-gender life for my entire life. My “secret” was hidden to most people (including family and close friends) known only to a select few. After two terrible years in 2010 and 2011, in the winter and spring of 2012 when I made the very hard decision to “live” I slowly began the process of planning my transition.
As stated above I began taking hormones in August of 2012, then sought medical assistance in August of 2014. My transition, for me personally, was initially a very slow process. I knew what I always wanted, but was never really sure transitioning would be something I could successfully accomplish. Still, my body was changing, transforming.
Monika: There must have been a moment when the private part of your life could no longer remain completely private. Who was the first person in your family you trusted enough to tell, and what do you remember most vividly about that moment?
Kelly: I came out to my sister in the spring of 2013. Her comments to me were: I am so happy for you!, Why did you hide this for so long?, Do you know the fun we could have had all these years? Do you know how long I’ve always wanted a sister?
Kelly: I came out to my sister in the spring of 2013. Her comments to me were: I am so happy for you!, Why did you hide this for so long?, Do you know the fun we could have had all these years? Do you know how long I’ve always wanted a sister?
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Demonstrating at NYS Governor's State of the State Address
in 2014 for the passage of the Gender Expression Non-Discrimination Act - (GENDA) with other NYS activists, including Juli Grey-Owens . |
Monika: Oh, Kelly, that is so sweet!
Kelly: My female cousins met me in November of 2013, and they were very accepting and supportive. In a very emotional conversation in March or April of 2014, I came out to my then 84-year-old very Irish Catholic mother. After her initial confusion as to what Transgender actually meant and what it meant for me, she was not very supportive. With help of my sister, Mom slowly began to learn the concepts of being transgender but did not wish to see me as a female. She thanked me for telling her of the lifelong struggles I lived with, but when I came to visit (she lives 440 miles and 7+ hours away from me), she only wished to see “her son”.
In late June 2014, still having issues with who I was becoming, she went to see her local parish priest. They had a 10 – 15 minute conversation in which the priest told her, “Mary, you love your son and God loves him also. You need to find a way to make this right between you.”
Kelly: My female cousins met me in November of 2013, and they were very accepting and supportive. In a very emotional conversation in March or April of 2014, I came out to my then 84-year-old very Irish Catholic mother. After her initial confusion as to what Transgender actually meant and what it meant for me, she was not very supportive. With help of my sister, Mom slowly began to learn the concepts of being transgender but did not wish to see me as a female. She thanked me for telling her of the lifelong struggles I lived with, but when I came to visit (she lives 440 miles and 7+ hours away from me), she only wished to see “her son”.
In late June 2014, still having issues with who I was becoming, she went to see her local parish priest. They had a 10 – 15 minute conversation in which the priest told her, “Mary, you love your son and God loves him also. You need to find a way to make this right between you.”
Monika: Your mother’s reaction seems to have been much more complicated. You had finally told her the truth, but she was still struggling to understand what it meant. What happened after that conversation with the priest?
Kelly: Without talking to me, Mom went home and took it upon herself to out me to all my aunts, telling them that I would be coming home the following week, and I would be dressing as a woman and my name is Kelly Metzgar. If they did not like that, they could stay away. Mom called me that evening to tell me what she did and that when I came home the next week, she wanted “Kelly” to come, and for “Kelly” to be at all the family social events including her 85th birthday. Suddenly I would be “out” to my entire extended family. Surprisingly this went very well. There was some confusion, but my coming out to family was very positive.
Kelly: Without talking to me, Mom went home and took it upon herself to out me to all my aunts, telling them that I would be coming home the following week, and I would be dressing as a woman and my name is Kelly Metzgar. If they did not like that, they could stay away. Mom called me that evening to tell me what she did and that when I came home the next week, she wanted “Kelly” to come, and for “Kelly” to be at all the family social events including her 85th birthday. Suddenly I would be “out” to my entire extended family. Surprisingly this went very well. There was some confusion, but my coming out to family was very positive.
Monika: Coming out to your family was one thing, but the workplace can be an entirely different world. How did you approach telling your colleagues and employer, and what was that experience like for you?
Kelly: With coming out to family a success, the next hurdle was to come out at work. As I stated previously, my body by
this time was definitely changing and I was showing obvious breast development that was extremely hard to hide
wearing male business dress shirts. Hiding under sweaters as I do during the bone-chilling Adirondack winter is
not an option in the hot summer months!
I worked with a Transgender mentor for my coming out at work, which my employer ultimately rejected. I presented my boss (at the time) with a formal letter outlining my transgender identity and transition plans. We immediately booked a meeting with our Human Resources manager and had a meeting that same day. While I wish I could say that the whole process was positive, there were many hurdles (some very negative experiences) that had to be overcome. I could write an entire essay (which I have already done to a great extent) outlining that experience.
I worked with a Transgender mentor for my coming out at work, which my employer ultimately rejected. I presented my boss (at the time) with a formal letter outlining my transgender identity and transition plans. We immediately booked a meeting with our Human Resources manager and had a meeting that same day. While I wish I could say that the whole process was positive, there were many hurdles (some very negative experiences) that had to be overcome. I could write an entire essay (which I have already done to a great extent) outlining that experience.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Kelly Metzgar.
© 2018 - Monika Kowalska
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