Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Lea: I do remember the first time I saw queer people on TV, but it wasn't a positive experience. The representation of trans women was framed as "men in a dress," which didn't resonate with me at all. Additionally, the only portrayal of queer people I saw was related to AIDS and being told that being gay was dangerous. Furthermore, the porn I saw didn't include any queer or trans models. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert fascinated me, but I had mixed feelings about it.
In my twenties, I had many gay and lesbian friends, but I didn't feel that I identified with them. When I moved to Slovenia, I heard about Salome, but my first actual encounter with a trans person was at 36, shortly after my therapist suggested I learn more about transgender individuals. I quickly discovered the trans community and found Alok Vaid-Menon to be an essential figure. Linn Julian Koletnik, my trans counselor, opened my eyes to trans feminism, antiracism, nonmonogamy, and transness's history.
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Lea: I have a supportive queer family, but I didn't have any transgender sisters. While I wished for trans sisters, I began providing peer-to-peer support after my transition, and my age put me in the "mother" role rather than the "sister" role. As a counselor, I'm not supposed to get too close to the users of our services, and unfortunately, nearly all the trans individuals I know have been or are users of our services. This is the downside of living in a small country. Although I have met many inspiring trans women activists abroad, the distance makes it challenging to maintain regular contact.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Lea: There have been so many interviews that I'm not certain which was my first, but I think it was for the national television news. I was still new to the transition process, and I was proud to be one of the first trans mothers to come out publicly. During the interview, I was figuring out how to convey a trans narrative effectively, what format to use, and how to communicate with journalists to ensure respectful coverage of the topic, particularly in terms of vocabulary. The whole experience was stressful, and I don't have the fondest memories of it.
 |
| "When I came out at work, no one actually saw me as a woman, but everyone was acting as if I was." |
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Lea:
That's a very interesting question. When I came out at work, no one actually saw me as a woman, but everyone was acting as if I was. They would act very stereotypically towards me with such emphasis on my gender that it came off as very off-putting. The vast majority of my colleagues and friends on set initiated a completely new attitude towards me: slapping my ass, catcalling me, commenting on my outfits and body, and making sexist jokes... They proceeded to degrade me as being less capable. It was almost as if I was a new person who had no clue where they were and how to work. I was even banned from holding and manipulating heavy boxes.
Before my transition, I used to be the first camera operator to be sent into "dangerous" positions: up in trees and down holes. Suddenly, I was limited to physically "easier" jobs. At the end of the season and between the start of the shooting of the new season, I found out that the producers, directors, and directors of photography (on purpose or not) had decided to exile me from the main field camera to sitting in the mobile control room, pushing a button for each sequence, which was a new job function they created just for me.
The decision to move me from the main field camera to the mobile control room was hidden from me until the very first day of the new season. It was presented to me as a "promotion" because of a slightly higher paycheck and was argued as a way to accommodate my "new need," like I was pregnant. It was very clear to me that this wasn't in my interest, but as a way to clear a key element of the shooting team that was obviously a pain in their ass. They obviously anticipated that I wouldn't be able to lead the camera team again. The next season, I refused to go for less money as before, so they just laid me off.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Lea: I think the situation is different from person to person and is very specific to the field of work, age, education, and how you live your transgender identity. Some trans women have horrible experiences, but others are very successful. Being trans when looking for employment can be very challenging, so I know a lot of trans women working as freelancers or creating their own companies. Unfortunately, a key factor is also how you look and express a binary gender. From what I've seen, tech companies seem to be a little more accepting, but it's impossible to generalize. But if I try to think of something very general to say to other trans women, I would say: "Look for the best, prepare for the worst."
 |
| "From my experience, the vast majority of trans women looking back on their transition have only one regret: that they didn't or couldn't transition earlier." |
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Lea: Love towards others kept me alive until I was able to love myself, which is still a struggle for me today. As someone with borderline personality disorder, I experience love and hate equally intensely. Hate has made me strong enough to confront society and affirm myself, as I used to hate myself for a long time before transitioning. However, my hate towards the world is rooted in the belief that I can make a difference and bring positive change. This belief is grounded in a fundamental love for the potential for growth in people, including myself. Building meaningful connections is essential to me, and being vulnerable and trusting people is a part of that. However, hate is a stronger and more persistent feeling, and I often find myself distrusting and hating instead of loving.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Lea: Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me, and I've been writing consistently since my transition. I was invited by a journalist to write about one day in the life of a trans woman in Ljubljana, which resulted in a 30-page excerpt that received positive feedback. I hope to finish the book soon, but my activism work is currently taking up all my time.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Lea: I'm currently working on stabilizing and developing TransAkcija Institute after some recent changes in leadership. My next step is to continue doing support work, leading support groups, and working on advocacy for the trans community, as well as developing a non-existent sex work community. In the near future, I plan to take a break from activism and explore other endeavors, such as sex work, writing, and taking care of my children and partner.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Lea: Well, my first thought is that half of trans people in Slovenia don’t want to transition, so you don't need to transition to be trans. The first step in the long process before transitioning is admitting to yourself that you're trans and want to transition despite what society tells us about being trans and medical transition. It's normal to be stuck in a loop of hope and fear that usually leads to rationalization of our experience: "It's not for me," "It's too risky," "I can't because of my parents/partner," or "I can't imagine having an average happy life."
 |
| "We should not limit ourselves to the labels that society gives us." |
From my experience, the vast majority of trans women looking back on their transition have only one regret: that they didn't or couldn't transition earlier. I don’t want to say "always transition at any price" because it's not true, but statistics show without a doubt that people thinking consistently about transition for some time will want it more and more with time. The thought of transition won't go away, as well as the fact that you are trans. It will only grow until it becomes a danger to your mental health.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Lea: I completely agree that we should not limit ourselves to the labels that society gives us. I also recognize some very important trans wisdom in the idea that transitioning isn't an end in itself, but a means to an end. People who view transitioning like a school degree and reduce all their expectations to the medical process are usually lost when they access it. If you decide to transition, it's important to consider it as the most effective means of reducing the harm caused by other people's expectations of you. Transitioning is a way to take a load off your shoulders; it's freeing but not a magical problem solver.
Monika: Lea, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Lea: Thank you so much for inviting me! It's an honor to have become a part of such a great pantheon of incredible women!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Lea Aymard.
Main photo: MUD Studio Slovenija, makeup: Nina Kozul.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
No comments:
Post a Comment