Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Marissa: Always have confidence and be willing to negotiate for yourself, you’re worth it. Set realistic and attainable career goals and don’t be afraid to fail. Look for a career that fulfills you and never settle for less. Don’t be afraid to take risks, risk-taking can actually help you build a rich and fulfilling career.
Monika: Do you remember the first time when you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person?
Marissa: Jerry Springer, unfortunately, that show was a dark chapter in transgender history and did a lot to hurt our community in the ’90s. It wasn’t until much later where I started to discover positive transgender role models like Lynn Conway.
The first transgender person I met was myself. :) Luckily when I was a young woman I lived in Seattle so there were a lot of transgender folks that also lived in the city. It was fairly easy to network with others like me and build social networks with the community.
Monika: What was the Seattle trans community like in those times?
Marissa: I was pretty young and didn't have a lot of friends in Seattle when I first moved there. Eventually, I met a few other trans women that introduced me to their friends and included me in get-togethers. It was the first time I really started connecting with other transgender people it was really uplifting after the falling out with my parents. One of my transgender friends from Seattle kind of took me under her wing and we became really close. We tended to go to Seattle Pride together every year but during Pride 2009 a friend was staying with her while he was moving to the area.
 |
| "The level of anti-trans rhetoric in the current discourse is actually quite alarming." |
I was going through a pretty rough patch at the time and wasn't really interested in going out and meeting new people. But I reluctantly decided to go hang out with my friends anyway, hoping it might make me feel a little less lonely. That's when I met her goofy houseguest, he was wearing a salmon-colored shirt and a pastel plaid tie, and I thought he was ridiculous. When we all went to the club I didn't feel like dancing, and he decided to hang out with me while everyone else went dancing. Once we started talking we hit it off and now he's my husband.
I'm really grateful for the friends and community I built in Seattle, I finally had other friends like me and ultimately it helped me grow as a person and start a family.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Marissa: It’s frustrating to put it lightly. There is a concerted effort at disinformation trying to delegitimize and roll back our human rights in several states and nationally. I’m somewhat insulated living in the pacific northwest, but I still witness and experience transphobia online. The level of anti-trans rhetoric in the current discourse is actually quite alarming, I’ve experienced threats on social media and sometimes it’s just an act of self-harm to follow the news or to participate in some online spaces.
My heart breaks for the trans youth who are currently having their lives undermined by several state governments. On the flip side, I am happy to see the overall increase in our visibility and people and corporations standing up for our rights and dignity.
 |
| "I have a lot of happy memories from my wedding and honeymoon." |
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Marissa: I do like fashion, I tend to lean towards professional and bookish attire since I’m an engineer. I actually don’t feel too constrained by a single aesthetic and I am comfortable with anything from vintage/retro to classy and modern.
As I’ve gotten older I probably follow trends a little less closely, though I do like designer purses, and shoes, particularly brands like Dooney & Bourke, Coach, or Kate Spade. I live in the pacific northwest so I tend to wear a lot of sweaters and boots in the rainy parts of the year.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Marissa: Not as much as when I was younger, I have a few classic styles I prefer. I don’t tend to branch out so much these days. When I was younger I spent a lot more time trying different styles, I was a big fan of Kevyn Aucoin books. But as I’ve grown more mature I’ve become much more consistent in styles that work for me.
Monika: I loved Kevyn Aicon too. He used to say that life is too short to spend hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or hottest new lip shade will mask an ugly heart.
Marissa: Yeah, I'm sad that he died so young, he really had a lot of talent and heart. I never heard this quote specifically, but I agree that beauty is more than skin deep. I wish more people would find the beauty within themselves instead of trying to paint us as ugly or broken.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Marissa: Yeah it’s usually pretty flattering, I tend to get the most compliments on my eyes or my fashion choices. But I’ve been married for about 10 years so it’s hard to get compliments from my husband these days (sarcasm). ;)
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Marissa: Essentially yes, I originally met my husband at Seattle pride over a decade ago. We’ve always tried to participate and for a few years, I was able to plan the parade and festival booth for the company I work for. I have a pretty big network of friends and I’ve done some volunteer work with our local LGBT shelter for underhoused youth.
The pandemic has made it much more difficult to connect in person, but once that’s over I’m looking forward to going back to pride and getting more involved with the community again.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Marissa: When I was younger love was hard to come by, I was pretty lonely in my early 20’s I had a really hard time dating and I felt like I was rejected by my parents for being trans. There was a long period where I wished I had more love in my life. I had a few relationships but they were usually short-lived.
Eventually, I met my husband and we hit it off right away. Being able to find a loving relationship with him really helped me feel fulfilled and validated in a way I hadn’t been previously. At the same time, my family mostly came around to support me and accept me which really allowed me to grow as a woman and focus more on my family life and career instead of dealing with gender dysphoria and loneliness.
 |
| "One of the best parts was that it rained for about 10 minutes and after that, there was a huge rainbow over our wedding." |
Monika: When I look at your wedding photo, pristine white wedding dress, and your radiating smile, I can see a happy and fulfilled woman. It must have been a fantastic moment for you!
Marissa: It was really nice and I have a lot of happy memories from my wedding and honeymoon. This was 2012 so same-sex marriage wasn't fully legalized federally so we were in somewhat of a gray area. I had already changed my legal gender and the laws of our home state of Washington did allow same-sex marriage. The only unfortunate thing was that we couldn't go with our first choice venue due to discrimination. Thankfully we found an even better place to have our wedding.
One of the best parts was that it rained for about 10 minutes and after that, there was a huge rainbow over our wedding, we even got a few photos with us under the rainbow. It was a really nice day but sadly some of the guests and one of the wedding party members ultimately came out as transphobes and attacked me when the anti-trans socio-political climate started picking up steam. My dad walked me down the aisle that day, but 10 years on and we no longer talk due to his transphobic beliefs and behaviors. I did feel fulfilled at the time, but now there is a bit of sadness due to losing some of the people I loved the most. .
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Marissa: I do but I’m not really sure my story would have wide appeal. I’ve got a few notable accomplishments but overall I’m just a normal middle-class person. I usually have a lot of projects going on so finding the time to write an entire book seems like a daunting task. Maybe if my career tends to move in a positive direction and I get some other noteworthy accomplishments I’d consider it. I mostly want to be remembered for my technical work and I have a variety of technical papers on computer science that I’ve contributed to.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Marissa: Mainly just trying to go back to normal after the pandemic and reconnect with some of my family back east. Most of my current goals are career-oriented. I’d really like to get a few patents under my belt, maybe an honorary degree in computer science, or some kind of recognition from the engineering society I belong to. My husband and I have recently been discussing adoption or fostering so that may be in our future as well.
 |
| "Don’t wait, your life matters, and being able to have a happy and fulfilling life as yourself is the most important thing you can do." |
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Marissa: Don’t wait, your life matters, and being able to have a happy and fulfilling life as yourself is the most important thing you can do. You may experience ups and downs throughout life but it’s natural for everyone to go through different stages as they grow. Even if you do experience difficulties when transitioning, these things can also help you be stronger and more resilient later on in life. Fight for yourself, you’re worth it.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Marissa: I’ve never really been motivated by surgery so that’s not something I really find relatable. I am, however, very goal-oriented and I definitely agree that we shouldn’t limit ourselves and life experiences based on gender stereotypes and our sex assigned at birth. The scope of the human experience is much too vast to be limited by how you were born.
As a humanist, I think we all deserve the greatest fulfillment of our dreams and the opportunity to thrive and contribute back to society.
Monika: Marissa, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Marissa: Thanks I really appreciate the opportunity to chat with you.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Marissa du Bois.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
No comments:
Post a Comment