Monika: Some argue that transgender women are trapped by society’s expectations of what a woman should look like, that we must pass in order to be accepted. What is your perspective on that?
Monica: Yes, we are subject to social perception, but I am not sure I agree with the idea of being prisoners. There is a saying by George Bernard Shaw: “Reasonable people adapt themselves to their environment; unreasonable people try to adapt the environment to them. Hence, all change comes from unreasonable people.”
Monika: Do you think change comes more from adapting to society or from challenging it?
Monica: I guess we all have to look at ourselves, our situation, and our abilities, and ask if we want to perpetuate the existing situation or try and change it. If we come down on the side of changing the present situation because it is unjust or whatever, then we have to ask ourselves if that change is best achieved through revolution or evolution. I think it is a huge step to expect society to go from where it is now to fully accepting a “guy in a dress.” Whatever the wrongs or rights of the situation, society is still pretty binary when it comes to gender. I do not think we have to pass as women to be accepted, I think we have to fall within the range of women to be accepted. At least, that has been my experience. People who try honestly to conform to the norm seem to be accepted.
Monika: How has your own openness about being transgender shaped the way people perceive you?
Monica: I agree that I look acceptable within the range. I do not hide the fact that I am transgender, I am quite open about it. It helps people accept me as a woman that I fit within the wide acceptable boundaries. I think society is ready for this, and the more of us who go that way, the more the envelope will be pushed. I have no doubt that there will come a time when a lumberjack in a dress is accepted as a woman, but it will not be in my lifetime. I am prepared to sit at the boundary and help evolve society’s thinking in that way.
Monika: Looking back, what personal steps did you take to reach that point of acceptance?
Monica: If you saw pictures of me from 10 years ago with a full beard and wild eyes, you would not think I was blessed. The truth is that I have worked hard at getting myself within the accepted boundaries. I have had laser and electrolysis on my beard, I have been taking care of my skin for years before I came out, and I have had fillers and Botox on my face to get me within the comfort zone of what society will accept. Yes, there is a threshold, and you have to get over that threshold to be accepted as a woman, transgender woman, whatever. That threshold will move as we start to fill this space. Society changes, but it changes slowly, and only through the combined push of all of us at the edge.
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| Another before and after photo by Don Hajicek. |
Monika: How do you feel about the way transgender people have been represented in films, books, and the media in general?
Monica: Up until recently, transgenders have been portrayed very negatively in the media, and this, in no small way, has contributed to the suicide rate and to seeing being transgender as a curse. It is only through coming out (if it is safe to do so) and showing ourselves that we can change the image. That is why role models are so important. One of my coming out mantras has been “making transgender normal,” and the more people I can meet and show that, despite being transgender, I am a normal and fairly well-adjusted person, the more we can change the image. Following that mantra, I take every opportunity to publicize the transgender issue and to put myself out there in front of people. I never apologize for not being a cisgender woman. The Art of Feminine Presence helped me greatly to get to this point.
Monika: Fashion can be an important form of self-expression. How has your personal style evolved, and who or what has influenced your choices?
Monica: I am very privileged to have been schooled by Ginger Burr of Total Image Consultants. This was another major piece of software for me. She really helped me discover my colors and styles, and this has made a tremendous difference to how I am accepted socially. Most of my wardrobe is Johnny Boden and Kettlewell.
Monika: What does your everyday fashion look like now, and how do you enjoy putting your outfits together?
Monica: I love dresses, so much so that I recently set myself the challenge of wearing a dress every day for a month (not the same one, I hasten to add, lol!). It is just so easy to reach out for leisurewear or jeans. I like to dress things up with different jewelry and scarves. I really enjoy the creativity of putting an outfit together. My other mantra is “go hard or go home,” so I go out of my way to be as feminine as I can be. That is not “frilly feminine,” but rather reflecting the femininity I see in the women around me on a daily basis, with my own creative twists. I see Monica as my work of art, I suppose.
Monika: Love can be such a powerful anchor in life. How has it shaped your journey, both personally and during your transition?
Monika: Love can be such a powerful anchor in life. How has it shaped your journey, both personally and during your transition?
Monica: Love is very important in my life, both the love of my friends and the love of my wife. My wife is an amazing woman. She (after some initial trepidation) has been fully supportive of my transition and is one of my biggest supporters in the transgender cause. We have been together since our first date in 1976. When I knew that she was “the one,” I told her about my secret. That was an enormous risk for me, as she knew my family and some of her relations were friends of mine. We lived in a small town in Ireland, and if this had got out, my life would have been hell... in more ways than one! :)
Monika: What role has your wife played in helping you face challenges and keep your spirit strong?
Monica: She has stood by me through thick and thin, and she has an amazing ability that when life gives her lemons, not only does she make lemonade, she goes further and makes gin and tonic! She lights me up!
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| At the Art of Feminine Presence in Austin. |
Monika: Many transgender women struggle deeply with gender dysphoria. From your experience, what guidance would you share with those trying to navigate it?
Monica: The thing about dysphoria is that everybody’s dysphoria is different. I can only comment on what helped me come to terms with it. This worked for me, it may well work for some others; but it is far from being a prescription that will help everybody. I would suggest that a person struggling with dysphoria should look at how it was tackled by others and experiment to see which parts might work for them.
Monika: Was there a specific realization that helped you shift your perspective and ease the weight of dysphoria?
Monica: My revelations were: we are not genetic women, we are transgender women. Comparing ourselves to genetic women is a recipe for depression and negative self-worth. I accept the fact that I am a transgender woman and I strive to be the best transgender woman that I can be. This has taken a huge weight off my shoulders and set me on a positive path instead of a negative one. Brené Brown, in her TED talks on vulnerability and shame, helped me greatly in this respect.
Monika: Beyond mindset, were there any practical steps or environments that gave you confidence and a stronger sense of femininity?
Monica: My other great revelation was this: if I was an American who wanted to learn Japanese, then going to Japan and hanging around with other Americans who wanted to learn Japanese is not the best strategy. Total immersion was the only approach that seemed sensible for me. Hence I spent a lot of time with genetic women, on online courses, and in real life. The Art of Feminine Presence was the best thing that I ever did. It immersed me with kind and supportive genetic women, which helped build my confidence and put me in touch with my femininity at a much deeper level than I could have done by myself.
Monika: My friend Gina Grahame once told me that we should never limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. She said, “Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin.” Do you agree with that perspective?
Monica: Yes, I do. Like I said earlier, “The vag is not the badge.” There is so much more to being a woman than being the owner of a vagina! I think, in the face of the horrendous suicide figures, we have an ethical duty to do all we can to make being transgender a normal and everyday part of life. Having something bigger than yourself, all the spiritual gurus agree, is a great way out of the many self-centric traps that people can fall into from time to time.
Monika: Monica, thank you for the interview!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Monica P Mulholland.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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