Monika: And what would you say was the most difficult loss to overcome?
Shandi: The hardest thing was the loss of my spouse and daughters, who had all known about my pending transition for many years. My ex was my rock for nearly 20 years, and throughout most of that, she knew about and supported my dream. Her betrayal affects me even to this day.
But I have been very fortunate to maintain so many of my friendships, some that I’ve had for over 30 years, and to find love again. The best has been the recent reconnection with my daughters after seven years apart. I am so glad to have us in each other’s lives again. I truly feel alive! That reunion has given me a renewed sense of hope and healing I wasn’t sure I would ever find.
Monika: In recent years, we’ve seen a growing visibility of transgender women in fields like fashion, entertainment, politics, and science. From red carpets to research labs, it feels like we’re witnessing a shift. Do you feel that these changes reflect a deeper societal transformation, or are we still in the early stages of real progress?
Shandi: We are making change. But that being said, it’s a lot like a transition for most of us, it never happens fast enough. It will take time to change the hearts and minds of people in the world. We have laws, allies, and advocates that are doing just that, but as it was with the gays and lesbians, it will take time for the general public to process and accept us. While visibility helps, real change is measured by how deeply society embraces us in everyday life.
Monika: One of the most powerful signs of progress seems to come from younger generations. How do you see the role of trans youth and their families in shaping this movement?
Shandi: The biggest difference for us is with the children, the young trans people with great parents who are coming out at younger ages. They are becoming our best ambassadors, and their parents our greatest allies. The courage and openness of these families give me so much hope for the future.
Monika: Still, the backlash against trans rights is fierce in some places. How do you stay hopeful when progress seems to provoke so much resistance?
Shandi: A certain sign of success is the amount of pushback, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a lot of pushback over the past few years. But when we have former American Presidents using the word “transgender” in State of the Union addresses, and current Canadian Prime Ministers raising the trans flag on Parliament Hill, with bills and laws being enacted to protect us, then, in spite of the pushback, we can see that we are making progress.
Those with interests in the goals and careers you mentioned are the trailblazers in those fields, and let us not forget about the trans men who are doing the same. By the time our young trans people reach the point of careers, being trans will be a non-issue because they will have grown up alongside their cisgender allies who will be their friends, coworkers, and partners. Despite the noise, the path forward is clearer now than it has ever been.
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| "I think we are all too often the wardens of the passing prison." |
Monika: Transgender representation in the media, whether in books, films, or news stories, can shape public opinion in powerful ways. What are your thoughts on how trans people are being portrayed across these platforms?
Shandi: Well, there is a whole spectrum of them in the world today. I am, at heart, an optimist, so I am drawn towards stories of hope, caring, and bravery. I am angered by ignorance and fear-mongering. So, if there is news that is insightful and thought-provoking, great. But if it’s from a hater, I always consider the source, keeping in mind that there are, of course, others who think that way. I believe positive media stories can shift minds in ways even legislation sometimes can’t.
Monika: Do you find the same balance of hope and frustration when it comes to trans visibility in film and television?
Shandi: Movies and television are other things. I enjoy being entertained, and the story needs to be engaging. I hope for the day when a trans actor can play a trans role, or any role that suits them, instead of casting a cisgender actor in a trans role for the sake of marketing. I hope that day will come soon. We deserve to see ourselves reflected authentically on screen, not filtered through someone else's performance of our truth.
Monika: Some people say the contraceptive pill helped liberate cisgender women, while cosmetic surgery has played a similar role in freeing transgender women from the pressure to "pass." What are your thoughts on that idea?
Shandi: I think we are all too often the wardens of the passing prison. Yes, I know that many of us could benefit from facial feminization surgery, myself included, but we are trying to teach others, especially young girls, that it’s not all about appearance. We live in a society that often demands perfection from women, but the real revolution is choosing authenticity over approval.
Monika: How has your own perception of femininity evolved over time?
Shandi: Who is to say who is not feminine-looking enough, too large-bodied, or not pretty enough? I used to look at glamour magazines and dream of looking like the beautiful women on the covers. Then I started looking at real women. Real women who wear sweats to the shopping mall, go home to spend time with their families, and on the weekend get all glamorous to go out. Real women come in all shapes and sizes, with or without the means to afford fancy clothes, hair, jewelry, and makeup. Who am I that I should be any different from them? Sure, I want to be thinner, prettier, and sexier, but does that diminish my womanhood? Should it diminish a cisgender woman’s womanhood? I think not. Femininity, to me now, is as much about presence and self-acceptance as it is about presentation.
Monika: Do you believe trans women have a unique opportunity to lead the conversation around body positivity?
Shandi: If we are going to educate the world to be happy with their size and appearance, we can actually be leaders in that aspect. For us, it should be the psychological aspects of who we are and what makes us women, rather than a focus on beauty via cosmetic surgery.
That being said, each person is their own person. I didn’t get any FFS because I couldn’t afford it, I had plans for it, but practicality won out. In fact, I still need to get a significant amount of electrolysis. We all know that if we are happy, we are better contributors to society, so do what you need to make yourself happy within your means. Our power lies in embracing the full spectrum of who we are, not just the mirror’s reflection, but our resilience too.
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| At concert. |
Monika: Many transgender women choose to tell their stories through memoirs. What inspired you to write your own?
Shandi: I did, and I have. It’s called Growing a Pair, and I’m just waiting for my proofreader to finish before heading to the publisher at a bookstore chain. I wrote it partially because people tell me what an interesting life I’ve had. Part of it was for my own clarity about the struggles I’ve faced, and to demonstrate how fears and insecurity hamper our dreams.
As I said earlier, I’ve managed to fulfill most of my dreams to some level. I think that people who face struggles, and most notably trans people who feel that they are faced with insurmountable odds, need to see some inspiration. I am glad and fortunate enough to be able to provide it where I can.
Monika: How has your understanding of love evolved throughout your life?
Shandi: There was a time when love was all I felt I needed. I got married the first time thinking that it would normalize me. That was a disaster, but I got my two wonderful daughters out of the deal. My second marriage was to my supposed soulmate, and as I said, her betrayal nearly destroyed me. Having the opportunity to live on my own terms, both during feast and famine, taught me something about myself, my likes, dislikes, and my resilience. I learned what I compromised about myself during my life and vowed: “never again.”
My current partner is the Yin to my Yang, we are very different, but it works, and we are happy. I know what makes me happy, and at this point in my life, my work, my passions, and my partner all make me happy and therefore productive. I love her, but most importantly, I love myself.
Monika: Are there any creative or advocacy projects you're currently excited about?
Shandi: Yes, a new book, possibly a science fiction trilogy set in the near future, where the main character is trans. It deals with time travel, androids, aliens, and the morality of the human-animal. There is, of course, my political career and my involvement with a local human rights organization. I’m very proud to be a mentor to a young trans Little Sister in the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization.
Monika: Many young transgender women experience intense gender dysphoria and struggle with self-image. From your own journey, what guidance would you offer to help them cope?
Shandi: What helped me the most was self-acceptance. Growing up, I always felt awkward. When I first began experimenting with cross-dressing, I felt I would never pass. When I started the road to transition, I was convinced I needed to look a certain way to feel good about myself. It was all about my perceived flaws. Accepting that perfection is not the goal, but authenticity, made a big difference in how I saw myself.
Monika: Was there a moment in your transition when your perception of yourself began to shift?
Shandi: I would look in the mirror daily to shave or put on my makeup and always see “him.” Until a dear friend told me, “One day, you will just see you.” That resonated. And eventually, it happened. I got used to seeing my face in the mirror, not “his,” not an “alter ego,” but my own. That change in perspective was gradual but powerful, it became the turning point in how I related to my own reflection.
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| "We live in a society that often demands perfection from women, but the real revolution is choosing authencity over approval." |
Monika: Some people say that surgery is not the end of a journey but the beginning of becoming who we are meant to be. Do you believe transgender people should keep dreaming big, regardless of how they started or what others in the community are doing?
Shandi: I could not agree more! Case in point: when my life fell apart after losing my job and my partner, I desperately tried to figure out my failings. Where had I gone wrong? Since being focused on my transition, I had begun to lose focus on things like home maintenance, car repairs, basically anything that was deemed “masculine.” I wasn’t interested in getting dirty or fixing things and used to joke, “I might break a nail!” But it really wasn’t a joke. It took losing everything to realize that I had overlooked my own potential and strength for the sake of fitting into a narrow idea of femininity.
Monika: Was there a moment when you decided to reclaim the skills you had once distanced yourself from?
Shandi: Then I realized that now that I was alone, if I didn’t do these things, no one would. I had amassed many skills over my lifetime and was doing myself a great disservice by not utilizing them. Every feminist who reads this just said, “YES!!!” So I began in earnest to use my skills and even renovated and decorated my kitchen, for example, all by myself. Not because the skills were essentially masculine or feminine, but because they were mine. Reconnecting with my abilities gave me a new sense of purpose and reminded me that self-reliance has no gender.
Monika: How did that shift affect your view of womanhood and your identity?
Shandi: Through this, I learned my feminist qualities and strengths. I won’t allow myself to be labeled. I do what I need to, what I am capable of, and am proud that I am capable, the way every person should be! Living authentically means embracing every part of yourself, even the ones that don’t fit society’s outdated boxes.
Monika: Shandi, thank you for the interview!
Shandi: Thank you, Monika! I am happy and honored to participate!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Shandi Strong.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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