Monika: Your book isn't only about transition. You also write about friendships, dating, beauty, fashion,
self-care and emotional resilience. Why was it important to you to talk about all those ordinary parts of life
rather than concentrating only on gender?
Zia: Trans people are so much more than just our identities. We are complex, filled with a long list of attributes
that often get neglected. I believe it’s important for us to know a little bit about a lot of things, so we can be
well-rounded and well-equipped for whatever life throws at us.
Monika: Dating and relationships can be particularly complicated for trans women. What lessons have you learned
about love, attraction and choosing people who genuinely respect you?
Zia: This is such an important topic! In my first year of transition, I was convinced that I would die alone. It
felt like there would be no one who would love me for me. But as time went on, I experienced people who were
attracted to me for various reasons, and it was difficult trying to identify what is healthy versus what is not. It
took a lot of practice! Some people are very sly with how they hide their intentions.
Healthy role models are hard to find when it comes to transamory, but they are out there. I learned that I don’t
have to accept scraps from someone when there are people who will prepare a feast for me. Eventually, I was lucky
enough to find my partner.
Four years together and he has never centered my transness, made me feel dehumanized or like an object of desire. He
has educated himself and not relied on me to teach him about the community or the struggles we face. I am so
grateful I was able to find someone who truly loves me for me.
Monika: Did loneliness ever become part of your journey? I think many trans women experience it at some point,
even when they are surrounded by people. What helped you when you felt alone?
Zia: Loneliness is exactly why I wrote my book. Life can be so isolating, especially for trans people, and all we
want is to feel seen and loved.
Love, Your Trans Big Sister
is meant to be a companion; a voice that reassures you and lets you know that you are not as alone as you may feel.
For me, music was my outlet. I would learn songs and sing them with full emotion, no matter how ugly or wonderful a
sound that came out. Another outlet for me was to pour into the relationships that wanted to be there for me.
Sometimes it’s easy to fall into the idea that you have no one, but there is always someone. Allow others the
opportunity to support you.
Monika: What would you say to a trans woman who constantly second-guesses herself, worries about whether she's
“trans enough,” and feels that everyone else somehow knows what they're doing except her?
Zia: Trans women are not a monolith. Everyone’s process is different, just like everyone’s goals are different. Like
I said earlier, however you show up is valid. We all have feelings of being lost or behind in life, but what’s
important to remember is that we are all just doing our best to get by. Fake it ‘til you make it! That’s what I’m
doing.
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| "Allow others the opportunity to support you." |
Monika: Your book also includes reflective journal spaces. I really like that idea because transition isn't just
something that happens to our bodies, it's also an opportunity to understand ourselves. Did writing your own
thoughts down help you during your transition?
Zia: I didn’t keep a journal, per say, but I wrote down memories. My writing goal was to share my story, provide
prompts that helped me get through or understand a topic, and then allow the reader to take account of how their
situation could be applied.
Monika: What do you think allies sometimes misunderstand about trans women? Your book is also intended for people
who love and support trans women, so what do you wish our friends and families understood better?
Zia: I wish they understood how f*cking hard it is. We are swimming against the current in life, and it takes so
much of our energy just to reach the bare minimum. The world was not created to make trans peoples’ lives easy or
attainable.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in the United States? Do you find
yourself worried about the direction society is taking, hopeful about the future, or perhaps a mixture of both?
Zia: It’s such a mixture of emotions. On one hand, this past year had the largest number of anti-trans legislation
introduced, and it feels like the U.S. is trying to erase us from the earth. We are used as political pawns by both
parties, and it’s exhausting.
On the other hand, trans people have always been here, and we will always be here. That aspect gives me hope. The
fact that, as a community, we have survived worse. And, we will come back from this even stronger.
Monika: You describe your book as “the book I needed when I was starting my transition.” That sentence really
stayed with me. What did you need most at that time, reassurance, practical information, somebody to tell you that
you were going to be okay, or simply somebody who understood?
Zia: Reassurance is the major thing I needed. Every step you take feels like you’re walking on a planet no one’s
ever walked before. There’s no map and very minimal signage. It would have calmed my heart and head to have had
someone tell me it was all going to be okay… in time.
Monika: Was writing the book therapeutic for you? Did putting your experiences into words change the way you
understood your own journey?
Zia: Honestly, it made me impressed with myself. Not in the way of, “wow, look at me,” but in the way of, “I’ve come
so much farther than I thought.” Putting it all down on paper provided me with my own roadmap, and I think that
could help others as a point of reference.
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|
"I embrace the unknown, fully prepared
for whatever the future holds." |
Monika: You are also a creative person outside your writing. What role does creativity play in your life? Is it
simply something you enjoy, or do you think creating things is part of how you understand yourself?
Zia: Creating art, whatever the medium, is cathartic. We can release what words simply cannot express. It’s vital to
life. As a singer, I feel as if there’s something stuck inside me that I have to get out. And until that sound is
released, I am restless.
Monika: After publishing your first book, do you feel different? There must be something quite strange about
putting such a personal story into the world and then knowing that strangers are reading it, recognising
themselves in it and perhaps even taking your advice.
Zia: To be candid, it’s such a mindf*ck. Never in my life would I have expected that I could/would write and publish
a book. Life has led me down this path, and I am grateful that I have some wisdom to impart. By all means, I don’t
know it all! I know just enough to help others, and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Monika: And finally, Zia, your book tells other women that they should never lose their light. What keeps your own
light burning these days? What are you looking forward to, and what dreams are still waiting for you?
Zia: You and these questions! They have really made me think, so thank you for that.
What keeps my light burning is my book and my message. I am striving to share it with as many people as possible
because I truly believe it can be a genuine source of hope. I am so excited for the doors of opportunity that
Love, Your Trans Big Sister
will open and the incredible people it will bring into my life. I am completely leaning into the positive energy
I’ve been receiving!
As for my dreams? I want to keep creating, keep finding work opportunities, keep building deep friendships, keep
finding joy, and honestly, keep the haters hating. I embrace the unknown, fully prepared for whatever the future
holds.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Zia Varajon.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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