Monika: Could you share a few individuals who have had a significant impact on your life or career?
Jennell: My wife, Rebecca Heineman, is at the top of that list. Dawn Ennis, who is currently the news editor for the Advocate, is another. Brynn Tannehill and Vandy Beth Glenn are trans advocates and activists whose opinions I respect and whose efforts have made a difference in my life. There are also more friends whose lives are lived just below the line of public visibility, so sharing their names would risk outing them or drawing unwanted attention, and I choose not to do that.
Monika: What was the most challenging part of coming out for you, both to yourself and to others?
Jennell: Coming out to myself was the hardest and the first thing I overcame. I had lived with denial about who I likely was since my teens. I was afraid to confront it for fear that doing so would bring an end to the life I knew. And I was right. It did, but what came after was wonderful. After that, coming out to my father was difficult, and I put it off until the very last minute, literally a week before I announced myself to the world.
Monika: How do you feel about the way transgender people are portrayed in news stories, films, and books so far?
Jennell: I keep hoping for the day when ANYONE coming out as transgender is not treated as a news story unless it is to celebrate their embracing an authentic life. For now, we are sensationalized in the news. Far-right politicians paint us as predators. Jealous or bitter transgender people commit acts of lateral violence against their more successful peers who appear in the news. Gay-focused news media cannot decide whether to be supportive of us or critical and transphobic.
Monika: What about representation in film and television?
Jennell: My feelings about the portrayal of trans people in film and television are mixed. I can understand wanting transgender actors to portray transgender characters, but I do not feel as strongly about it as some do. I want to see authentic, sensitive, and supportive portrayals of us. It matters less to me who plays the role, as long as it is done well. To that end, I think the Amazon TV series Transparent is one of the best representations of transgender people in media that I have seen.
Monika: The transgender movement is often represented as part of the larger LGBT community. Do you think transgender people are able to promote their own issues within this broader group?
Jennell: In the past year, starting with some lateral violence by other transgender individuals against a transgender rights organization I was involved with, and hearing of a similar situation directed toward the head of another organization just a few days ago, I have stopped believing in the idea of a cohesive “transgender community.”
Monika: Why do you think it is difficult for transgender people to act as a unified community?
Jennell: We are a populace with common needs and sometimes similar experiences, but outside of small groups of friends who support each other, we do not act like a community. If we cannot overcome the separatism and stratification that exists and seems to be intensifying along lines of perceived privilege within our population, how can we be a community or play an effective role in combined efforts with other gender and sexual orientation minorities?
Monika: How would you describe your personal approach to fashion, and do you enjoy following trends or prefer your own style?
Jennell: I like quality, well-made clothing, but I am definitely NOT a fashionista or someone who seeks out the latest trends in women’s fashion. If anything, I prefer shopping the sale and discount racks at some of my favorite retailers. I favor clothing that blends in with what other women around me are wearing.
Monika: What types of outfits do you usually wear, and are there any colors or accessories you particularly enjoy?
Jennell: In Seattle, that often means jeans and printed t-shirts, or leggings, usually black, with a nice top, a sweater, a scarf, and boots. I look younger than my age, so I often dress “younger” as well. I am sensitive to what colors and styles look good on me; I would rather be several years out of style than wear something that does not suit my body type or skin tone. I have a personal weak spot for wearable art in the form of colorful or multi-metal artisan-made jewelry.
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| With her wife, Rebecca Heineman. |
Monika: How did your early experiences with dating shape your understanding of love?
Jennell: I never figured out dating when I was young, so I entered adulthood as a classic nerdy virgin. To the best of my self-awareness and memories, I was always attracted to women. There was a lot of pressure in my society to marry young, in the early twenties, and create traditional families. I was one of the last in my immediate peer group who did get married, but I did manage to find someone who loved me, marry her, and create that traditional family. Eventually, that marriage ended in divorce, and I married again.
Monika: How have your past relationships influenced your perspective on love and romantic connections?
Jennell: Love and romantic relationships are very important to me. The problem with both of my previous marriages, and essentially all my dating relationships, was that in my head, I was a woman who wanted to love, be loved, and be recognized as a woman. That did not work out very well in my allegedly heterosexual relationships.
Monika: How did your understanding of your own sexuality evolve during your early transition?
Jennell: Part of my early transition involved being open to the idea that I might not be only attracted to women, or that my attraction might change. I still found I was attracted to women, and as I later became involved in a same-sex relationship, I realized that from my point of view, all my previous relationships were same-sex, but with heterosexual women. This understanding helped explain why my earlier relationships had not worked out.
Monika: How did you approach dating and relationships after beginning your transition?
Jennell: I went into transition comfortable with the idea that I might spend the rest of my life alone. Being at peace with that made things better. My second marriage was ending, and I did not want to rush into relationships any time soon. I disliked the dating process and was not looking forward to exploring it in a new gender. I had been terrible at it as a man and was unsure how to navigate it as a woman.
Monika: How did you eventually meet someone who became your partner, and how did that relationship develop?
Jennell: I met Rebecca Heineman, a peer in the game industry whose career had intertwined with mine since the earliest days. I had even worked as a contractor for her game company, Interplay, in the late 1980s, yet we had never met. During my transition, I accepted her offer of a girls' night out weekend in San Francisco for my birthday. That weekend grew into an online friendship, then long-distance dating, and finally both of us moving to Seattle and living together. It took time, but we found something in each other that made the relationship work. We give truth to the idea that opposites attract.
Monika: Many transgender women write memoirs. Have you ever considered documenting your own life story in a book?
Jennell: It has been suggested that I should write a memoir, but those who ask are often more interested in my memories of the early years of the role-playing and game industries, and less in the transgender part, though that aspect really permeates my whole journey. I have shared much of my story in bits and pieces over time.
Monika: How have you shared your experiences publicly, and what aspects of your story do you focus on?
Jennell: I have done many interviews over the years, mostly about my career before and after my transition, often focusing on my time at Coleco, my work as a Dungeons & Dragons artist and designer, and especially my time at id Software. As I came out, I shared some of my transgender perspectives where they were relevant. Many people consider my career, with its constant reinventions, to be remarkable or interesting, but to me it was always just my normal, so I do not see it as any more memorable, and perhaps even less so, than others’ stories.
Monika: Are you currently working on any new projects, and can you tell us a bit about them?
Jennell: Always! About three years ago, three other veteran game developers and I formed a game development company called Olde Sküül, pronounced “old school.” Between the four of us, all women, we have over 130 years of game development experience in a variety of roles, from artists and designers to producers, programmers, and corporate executives. We are still small, but we have been slowly growing as we work on projects for ourselves and other companies. Our website was recently remade and updated. We are currently preparing material for a computer role-playing game called Shredded Worlds: Dragons of the Rip.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls who are struggling with gender dysphoria?
Jennell: I do not think there is any single thing I can recommend, except to understand what triggers your dysphoria. You may not be able to avoid that trigger, but it may be possible to not pick at it and make the pain worse. I have had to do that with things I know bother me. If something about your life or your body triggers dysphoria, find ways to distract yourself from it rather than dwell on it or make it worse.
Monika: Jennell, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story.
Jennell: Thank you for asking, Monika.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Jennell Jaquays.
© 2015 - Monika Kowalska
Jennell Jaquays has passed on. May she find the same happiness and love she so generously shared with others. Thank you for all you have given to the world. Rest in peace.
10 Jan 2024
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