Monika: You’ve said many times that being transgender and having mental health challenges are two completely separate things, yet the system kept blending them together. How did you learn to advocate for yourself when professionals wouldn’t listen?
Jodi: That was a really difficult period of my life. Advocating for myself was a foreign concept to me, and quite honestly, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. I had plenty of arguments with doctors, and I am sure some of those made no sense. There were times when it made perfect sense in my head and came out completely wrong. I was in such a dark place and had little energy for logical arguments.
Part of my self-advocating was to get out of the hospital as soon as I could to get away from the doctor. That led to more suicide attempts because I really needed the help I wasn’t getting, and it seemed like there was no help out there. I would tell a doctor that transition was the one bright spot in my life, but they would still hyperfocus on it. I finally met a doctor who accepted it when I told her, and we started looking at different aspects of my life.
I find it easier to advocate for others now that I am in a better mindset. I don’t mind speaking up for myself now, either. It would have really helped having an ally with me through all of that. My family doctor did a lot of advocating for me, which helped.
Monika: Creating safe housing for trans and gender diverse people has become such an important part of your work. Was there a moment when you realized this wasn’t just something you cared about, but something you were meant to lead?
Jodi: It has been a lot of work and a lot of heartache. Working in housing in this neighborhood means a high likelihood of overdoses, so tenants have to be checked each day to make sure they are still alive. People shouldn’t have to do that work; it is grim to stand outside someone’s door and not know what you will find on the other side, especially when you care about each and every one of the people.
There are days when I feel burned out and need a rest, but there has not been a day when I thought to myself I should look for different work. That tells me that I was meant to stumble into this work. I spent so much of my life trying to make rich people even richer; this is so much more fulfilling. Opportunities just seem to open up for me, I couldn’t walk away now. It is still difficult work, nothing is handed to me, but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I left the work undone.
Monika: You often say you’re just an ordinary person doing the work in front of her. When did you first realize that your lived experience wasn’t a weakness, but something powerful enough to create real change?
Jodi: When I was in the hospital, one of the times when I was receiving no help from the doctors, I was in the patient lounge talking to other patients. They helped me more than the doctor did during that particular stay. That is when I decided that if I survived, I wanted to become a peer in the mental health system.
After I moved to housing, the relationships I built with the tenants were so important. Each tenant was different, but several of them connected with me because of similar life experiences. I was able to support them more effectively because of the bond those experiences created.
When I speak at conferences, I think my lived experience gives me credibility that a PhD can’t give. I still think there should be letters beyond “lived experience expert” names so that academics will recognize our education. Jodi Gray, ELE (Expert in Lived Experience) has a pretty good ring to it.
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| "My lived experience gives me credibility that a PhD can’t give." |
Monika: Being the first transgender honouree in the history of the Courage To Come Back Awards was such a big moment. On a personal level, what did that recognition mean to you beyond the public milestone?
Jodi: Any honour or public recognition I get gives me a larger public platform as an advocate. That is one of the reasons behind The Evolution of Jodi. Recognizing the resilience and strength of transgender people in general was a big accomplishment, too. Many of us have to go through so much in life; we deserve recognition for our strengths. Something about receiving that award that I don’t talk much about was being treated like a real princess. It was the first time since I transitioned that I was totally pampered. They gave us money for a dress, and I had a shopping day with friends. We tried on dresses, had some treats, and shopped for jewelry to match my new dress. I am not much of a shopper, but that was such a great day.
On the day of the gala, they had a makeup artist to do our faces. It was such a luxury, and the artist was a really cool person who made it an even more fun experience. We waited in a special VIP room, and the BC Premier came to visit us. After everyone was seated, we paraded in with a bagpipe leading the way. I think there were over 1,000 people in the room watching us. It all felt so royal! Maybe it sounds frivolous, but I was delighted in being a princess, and no one even questioned my gender for a day. I didn’t get to play princess as a child, so that was my chance.
Monika: Your book doesn’t shy away from how exhausting advocacy can be. When the world feels especially hostile to trans people and the news gets heavy, how do you take care of yourself?
Jodi: I have a few close friends. Most are queer, and some are trans. Several of my friends are or were sex workers. It helps to be around other marginalized people. We can talk about the serious stuff and laugh at the silliest things, too. Seeing joy in the community helps, and they always remind me why I do this work. I also have a volunteer position working as a mentor to university students. Their eagerness to learn and pass on the learning gives me hope and energizes me.
Monika: You’ve spoken on TEDx stages, at conferences, and as a keynote speaker, yet the book feels so intimate and quiet. How was writing this different from speaking for you emotionally?
Jodi: I am not exactly sure how to explain it, but when I am on stage, I sort of go into autopilot. I am not the most comfortable with public speaking; I do it because it is a necessary part of my advocacy. There have been times that I have had to ask a friend who was in the audience what I said.
Writing the book was so different. I thought about every part of it. I thought about how I felt during the experiences I write about. I wanted that feeling to come across in the writing. I basically relived the emotions from those times in my life. For the most part, it was a very uncomfortable process, but it did help me to think about and work through some of the feelings I still hold.
Monika: Living in Vancouver now, with two cats who mostly ignore you, what does the idea of home mean to you these days compared to what it meant earlier in your life?
Jodi: Home has been a funny concept throughout my life. I have been so transient, it is hard to think of a particular dwelling or city as home. For so much of my life, the word home simply meant a place to sleep and keep my stuff. I never made places my own; I just lived in them however they were when I moved in. The last place I really felt like I was surrounded by what I wanted and what I brought in was with my first wife. That would have been around 1995 or so. Just recently, in a session with my therapist, we talked about this.
I am so happy in Vancouver and plan to stay here, but I have never really made my home mine. Now I am working on that. Home is starting to mean not just a place to rest but my little haven, I guess. I can look around and smile at the items I have and the memories they invoke. I am not afraid to walk around and claim the space anymore. Home is a place where I am comfortable, and my friends are too. There is laughter and sadness experienced at home, and both are okay. I can feel my feelings there, and it is safe. Home is also a place where talking to cats is encouraged, lol. Home is finally mine again.
Monika: If someone reads your book while they’re at the very beginning of their journey, feeling broken or invisible, what do you hope they carry with them after they turn the last page?
Jodi: Everyone’s journey is different, but you aren’t alone. People have felt the way you are feeling, and the people you need in your life will find you. It’s okay to be invisible until it’s safe to not be. Whatever you do on the outside, transition or not, wear different clothes or not, surgeries or not, no matter what you decide, you are still you. Your feelings are real and valid, and finding happiness with yourself will change your entire life for the better. It’s not an easy road all the time, but it is worth it. Just do you.
Monika: Looking back at everything you’ve lived through, survived, and built, what feels like the truest evolution of Jodi, the part that even you didn’t see coming?
Jodi: When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher or in some other type of profession where I could help people. Well, when I was really young, I wanted to be a tugboat captain, but then a teacher. It seems like I am catching up to my childhood dreams. I am a woman in a profession where I have the privilege of helping others; I didn’t expect that to happen. I never expected to be a person who was living how I want to instead of how I think I was expected to live. Being authentic is a huge surprise and a great feeling.
Monika: And finally, what’s one thing you still wish people understood about you that even this book couldn’t fully capture?
Jodi: I have a very active inner life. I can’t count how many times I have lived my life in my head. I am not as anxious now as I used to be, but it still scares me to not be in control of a situation. In my head, I go over every scenario I can imagine, but then there are times when something I haven’t rehearsed comes up. That really scares me. I have a lot of self-doubt and imposter syndrome, but now that I can usually recognize it for what it is, I can move forward in spite of my fears. Things don’t come easy for me, even though it may appear that way at times. I guess it makes all my gains more valuable if I have to work for them, though.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Jodi Gray.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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