Monika: The transgender cause is usually manifested together with the other LGBTQ communities. Being the penultimate letter in this abbreviation, is the transgender community able to promote its own cause within the LGBTQ group?
Lois: I stopped using "community" to describe LGBTQ. I use the term "coalition". "Q" can stand for a variety of things (and many older gays, lesbians, and allies struggle with the term because of how it was previously used). But there are significant differences between what identifies someone as L, G, or B and what identifies someone as T. What gives us a common purpose is that many who are hostile to LGB are hostile to T.
There are organizations and open and affirming churches that I have been told are very LGB oriented and pay lip service to helping or welcoming anyone who is T. Then there are some lesbians who also identify as Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERF’s), keeping us out of women’s only events with a fervor that matches those on the right wing, and accuse trans women of such things as being arrogant males who think we can be better women than someone born with a vagina. I have yet to read how they explain trans men, whether they apply the same logic and explanation to them.
Often LGB have been wonderful allies to T. But there are times when the T gets kicked to the curb or thrown under the bus when push comes to shove in terms of legislation. There have been slights and omissions in the historical narrative of the part played by transgender people in terms of the struggle for equal rights. At times the alliance has worked well and at times it has been uneasy.
At the end of the day, I welcome the support of any ally whose other positions would not be a total embarrassment to our cause. But we need to be prepared that there may be times when we will have to go it alone, as difficult as that may be for a tiny minority. If we can build bridges to new allies, it will be wise.
Monika: What do you think in general about transgender news or characters which have been featured in films, newspapers, or books so far?
Lois: As far as the news, the number of stories has exploded in recent years. Twenty years ago in my locale, it would be unusual to have a story on the topic more than once a month unless someone famous like Renee Richards was in the news. Ten years ago, it had increased to as much as once a week. Now there are multiple stories every day. It’s a slow day when I don’t see something about transgender-related legislation or health issues or a human interest story on a transgender person or an update on one of the more famous transgender people. It’s reached the point where I can’t even read them all.
As long as the news stories are objective and even-handed, it helps normalize us within society. And I have seen very even-handed stories in newspapers in areas where there is still a lot of hostility towards transgender people (e.g. Charlotte and Dallas). So those are good things. Still, it can be disheartening if one scrolls down and reads the negative comments, some of which can be quite vile. And the amount of misinformation, misgendering, deadnaming, and misrepresentations of transgender people in some online publications is difficult to take.
I haven’t watched too many films with significant transgender characters or themes, primarily since I am not much of a film buff. I did enjoy “A Danish Girl” on the whole with some parts I thought could have been done better. And as difficult as it was to watch the ending (even when you know what’s coming), I thought that “Soldier’s Girl” was an excellent film. When I was younger and was looking for every scrap of information I could find in those pre-Internet days, I watched movies like “Outrageous” and “I Want What I Want”. They were sensationalized in some aspects and have to be taken as a product of their times.
I prefer documentaries to films and for the most part when it comes to books, I will read biographies when I have time to read anything at all. I came across “Trans-Sister Radio” by Chris Bohjalian about a year ago. It was a cute and clever premise (I like puns and can be an incorrigible punster). But it was clearly wanting in spots. It would take an extraordinarily insightful and empathetic cisgender person to write accurately about a transgender person’s life experience.
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| "As long as the news stories are objective and even-handed, it helps normalize us within society." |
Monika: Do you participate in any lobbying campaigns? Do you think transgender women can make a difference in politics?
Lois: Occasionally. I recently wrote a letter to House Speaker Joe Straus in Texas on behalf of the transgender people I know in Texas, encouraging him to continue to sit on the anti-transgender bill in that state. But it is often difficult for me to actively engage in a lobbying campaign with an organization that supports the same policies I do in relation to transgender issues but is very anti-Christian in other things they advocate. And I have been so busy lately that I have been finding it difficult to contribute to my own blog. I am looking to do more, and it would be easier if I had someone in my household who could share the burdens: taking care of the car, household chores, shopping, etc. But that person doesn’t exist.
Many victories I have achieved have been quiet. I recently won two appeals with my health care provider. In one case, a trans-hostile person who negotiated contracts with service providers is no longer working there. In another case, my general practitioner credited me with not only winning my own appeal and helping her win an appeal for some of her other transgender patients, it armed her with the information she needed to talk with the Chief Medical Officer and get them to change some of their policies to be more trans-friendly.
I am also slowly helping some people in my church and who knows how many who read my blog see transgender people in a better light (and hopefully for transgender people to see Christians that way, too). Although I am a Christian, certain Zen and Taoist philosophies resonate with me and are not incompatible with Christianity. And so rather than being a hammer, I am water. It may take longer. The path may meander. But it will eventually reach its destination and other people are less likely to be broken in the process.
Any person can make a difference in politics. It’s a matter of talent, access, and persistence.
That said, we are a tiny minority, even within the LGBTQ coalition, let alone the U.S. at large. So it would take someone of extraordinary talent and a combination of circumstances to make a major impact. However, that should never discourage someone from doing their part. As the old proverb goes, for want of a nail, eventually the entire kingdom was lost. Or as Mordecai said to Esther, “… who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for a time such as this?”
Monika: Do you think that in our lifetime we could live to see the day when a transgender lady could become the President of the USA? Or the First Lady at least?:)
Lois: It isn’t likely, considering both the small size of the population and the fact that there would be a lot of opposition from certain areas of the U.S. towards any candidate who was transgender or even married to someone transgender. We have just been through a presidential election with two very polarizing candidates. A candidate closely identified with being or being married to someone transgender would be far more polarizing. It would be difficult for someone like that to get nominated by one of the major parties in my lifetime, let alone elected. It would take quite unusual circumstances. It would even be difficult if it was the Vice Presidential candidate who was associated that closely with transgender. It would even be quite a political risk for an unmarried President to marry someone transgender.
It’s only been 33 years since a woman was nominated for Vice President on a major party ticket and 1 year since Hillary Clinton was nominated for President as the first female candidate at the top of a major party ticket. It’s only been nine years since a black man was nominated for President on a major party ticket. We have never had an openly gay or lesbian major party candidate for one of the top two spots. It’s even been difficult for anyone Catholic or Jewish to get nominated. In that context, it is easy to see how difficult it would be for a trans woman to attain any of those positions. It would probably be less difficult for a trans man to be nominated, but only slightly.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion brands, colors, or trends?
Lois: One of my strong suits is my eye for women’s fashion. (Most men’s fashion bores me, even while I enjoy looking at a well-tailored man in traditional men’s dress clothes.)
About 30 years ago one Christmas, I was invited at the last minute to the home of a female co-worker’s family. I knew I didn’t have time or the money to buy presents for everyone, nor did I think I was expected to. But what to buy for my friend? I decided on an outfit for her of separates. I decided on earth tones: a knit sweater in various shades of brown, a simple black skirt, and a costume jewelry necklace of chunky polished stones with similar shades as in the sweater, but a bolder pattern. And I decided to put them in three separate boxes. As the youngest daughter was handing out the presents, she called my friend’s name and gave her the first box (I scattered them around the tree). It was the sweater, which she held up to oohs and aahs, and a bit of a surprise that (as far as they knew) it was from a guy. More presents were handed out to everyone and then the second box: the skirt. More oohs and aahs; more surprise at who gave it.
Finally, as the evening wore on, the necklace was unwrapped. Not only was there more praise, my friend simply couldn’t resist any further. She had to go and try everything on. If they were only being polite, she never would have gone to that length. A few minutes later, she came out and everyone else is very complimentary. First of all, the sweater and skirt fit perfectly, amazing by itself since I was a neophyte at women’s sizes and played it safe by sticking with letters rather than numbered sizes. But everyone marveled at how well everything went together, especially from a “guy” and a stockbroker at that.
Monika: Men would never be able to do this.
Lois: Thirteen years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who had horribly dated and poor fashion sense. I shudder to remember the dress she wore on our first date when she’s trying to make a good impression. It wasn’t so bad that it was a vintage-style dress. It was the fact that it was shiny material the color of pink bubble gum that was horrendous. A very nice person but it was like having a date with a bottle of Pepto Bismol!
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| "One of my strong suits is my eye for women’s fashion." |
Anyway, we hit it off despite her outfit. One day, we went to the local mall. As we were walking through the women’s clothing area, on one of the racks I spotted it: THE DRESS. I stopped her and suggested she find her size and try it on. She came out and she looked fabulous. She liked it, too, and she also liked the attention. A woman shopping nearby saw her and told her she looked great in it. That attracted another woman and soon there were a half dozen women with us making positive comments. (I love it when an informal meeting of the “women’s club” is spontaneously called.) And when she told them that I picked it out, hoo boy! They were telling her what a keeper I was. Not only was I willing to go clothes shopping with her, making me a rare enough male at the time, but to have great taste, too!
That relationship died long before I transitioned but we stayed in touch for a while. She gained weight and no longer could fit that dress. I wish I had it. I am almost certain it would fit me!
Monika: What a pity!
Lois: Then there was the time I went clothes shopping with another female friend. She had a weight problem, but I had an idea of what could help her look better. The problem was that I didn’t see my idea in any of the stores and had no words to describe it. This was many years ago and if the term was invented, it wasn’t commonly known then. It is common now: color-blocking.
For myself, I like separates to stretch the budget (even if it adds time to the decision on what to wear), bright colors for a good portion of my clothes, often paired with something more neutral (rarely dark brown, however), and simple classic styles and patterns rather than trendy. Just because orange and purple were in a couple of years ago, I was not about to go out and buy or wear orange and purple. Often, I want something with a bit of stretch that comfortably hugs my upper body to show off what modest figure I have. I don’t like things tight around the neck or under the arms, but body-hugging looks and feels nice. And I think I have a figure that shows off women’s clothes well. But I will let others judge that based on the pictures I shared.
Monika: I have read somewhere that cisgender women were liberated thanks to the development of contraceptive pills whereas transgender women are free now thanks to the development of cosmetic surgery, so they are no longer prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome …
Lois: Transgender surgery and safer hormones have made what was generally impossible now more possible, if not perfect, depending upon what age the person transitions. But it is still relatively new and consequences have to be weighed. And we have to be careful what we wish for because we may get it. I just saw a promo trailer for the upcoming season of “I am Jazz”. In one part, a surgeon is telling her that while going on hormones early did wonders for her bust line, the effect they had on her genitals will make bottom surgery much more difficult as far as achieving a satisfactory result.
In general, advances in medicine and surgery have made things much better than they were 75 years ago or more. But they can only do so much. For most of us who were fully affected by testosterone, they will only reverse so much. Hands can’t be made smaller, shoulders can’t be made narrower, and it doesn’t change the voice. And for those with a lot of male baggage, that can take a long time to shed and some never do it completely. And they aren’t a magic bullet that changes public opinion. So I think it’s an exaggeration to say that these developments freed us. But they do help.
Monika: What do you think about transgender beauty pageants?
Lois: If they are staged in a way that honors the entrants and that’s what a trans woman wants to do, go for it! However, if they objectify the entrants, or worse, conduct the pageant like a freak show, I have a problem with that.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Lois: I’ve thought about it, have an outline and a hook in mind, and even a working title. Now I just need a patron! :)
It is difficult to find the time when a person doesn’t have a lot of money, has to work a lot to pay the bills, and is also called upon by many people for moral and emotional support.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Lois: In general, I have not been lucky in romance. Maybe that will change now, but so far there’s been little evidence of that. About 35 years ago, I met a wonderful lady and we fell in love and married. Unfortunately for her, she went through a childhood trauma that resulted in untreated PTSD and major abandonment issues. That led to her sabotaging every close relationship she was ever in that I am aware of, even close friendships. Our marriage was over in less than a year.
Ten years ago we reconnected and at first, it appeared that we could make a go of it this time. But she hadn’t been healed. God didn’t reunite us so we would remarry. For me, He did it to give me closure. And the bottom line is that it would have been very difficult for her to deal with me telling her that I am transgender.
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| Glamour photoshoot. |
It would be nice if I had someone to share the rest of my life with. But I try to be realistic about the chances considering my circumstances and beliefs.
Of course, good friends can love each other in a non-romantic way. My friendships are very important. And knowing the love of Christ and letting others see that love is also very important to me.
Monika: Are you working on any new projects now?
Lois: I have a huge backlog of tax work at the moment, attention on my upcoming surgery, and some other health issues that are not major but still important. If anything, I need to finally get serious about getting rid of the clutter in my apartment from a downsized office, my old life, personal items saved from my parents’ lifetime, and general accumulation.
If I do well there, maybe I can get back to the gym. Maybe I can get back to writing my memoirs.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Lois: If they are reading this, it probably means they have access to the Internet. I would have loved to be able to do Internet research when I was a teen and young adult. So my first advice is to use the Internet to search for age-appropriate support groups near them; to search for other trans women; to search for other resources such as doctors and mental health professionals who are knowledgeable in the area of transgender; to search for transgender friendly hair removal technicians. And when you find the first two items on the list, they will often help you with recommendations for the other resources.
The point is, do not continue to go it alone. This is going to be one of the most important journeys and lead to one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. Ultimately all the final decisions are yours, but you will be facing many steps along the way. There are many different people to come out to, for example, immediate family, distant family, job or clients or perhaps your school, friends which may include someone you are dating, in some cases neighbors or a house of worship. Some of those are more difficult than others and none go perfectly, but decisions have to be made as to both when and how. Where are the best places to shop for clothes? Where can you store your clothes until you are out at home? What about establishing credit in your new name (and yes, start thinking about your new name, both first and last, if you haven’t chosen one already)? What are the procedures for changing your name where you live? What are the procedures for changing your birth certificate where you were born?
Monika: All these questions are quite common.
Lois: Because it can be complicated, some local support groups hold clinics just on the topic of name, birth certificate, and gender marker change. Or you might need to find out a trans-friendly lawyer or law firm for any number of other issues that will develop.
For most of us, any significant journey includes dealing with fear and facing the unknown. There are the unknowns that we know exist but that we fear because we don’t know how to deal with them. And then there are the unknowns that we hadn’t even thought about that we will encounter along the way. Perhaps you will be at a group meeting and someone a few steps ahead of you will mention something she has to do that you hadn’t even realized you will need to do as well. It is easier to deal with fear and unknowns when you are not alone. And there is more safety in numbers.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexuals and transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Lois: This is very well said. First of all, remember that while our stories will have many things in common, they are still our stories and they are unique to us. We are shaped by our inner nature, by our attributes, and by our circumstances. So as someone unique, be hesitant to use other stories as a measuring stick and quick to use the success stories as encouragement and inspiration.
In a similar manner, while we might do foolish things (hopefully avoiding most) on the transition journey, there is no one right way to be trans and no one right way to transition. And that includes if we will even end up on an operating table. Of all the possible surgeries, there might be some you don’t need, some you don’t want, some you can’t afford, some that are medically contraindicated, and some you will choose to have. And the same goes for whether or not you will take hormones. Not everyone transitions with them at all, some use herbals, and some use medicinals.
If you think about it, life is a series of transitions: childhood to adulthood to old age; from student to worker to retirement; from single to married; from childless to parenting; from married to widowed or divorced. With each one, doors close, and new doors open. Gender transition is one that the vast majority of the world doesn’t experience, but the same general principle is still true. Surgery and other key steps in transition may have been lifelong goals for you and it is fitting to take time to savor and celebrate them. But don’t neglect the new doors that open as a result and don’t neglect to prepare in anticipation of their opening. Most of all, enjoy the journey, the journey of life!
Monika: Lois, thank you for the interview!
Lois: You are very welcome. Thank you for asking me to participate in the wonderful blog you developed and the interview project you are doing.
All the photos: courtesy of Lois Simmons.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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