Monika: What a pity! Could you tell me more about that other time you went shopping with a female friend?
Lois: There was the time I went clothes shopping with another female friend. She had a weight problem, but I had an idea of what could help her look better. The problem was that I didn’t see my idea in any of the stores and had no words to describe it. This was many years ago, and if the term was invented, it wasn’t commonly known then. It is common now: color-blocking.
Monika: What kind of styles do you personally prefer when it comes to clothing?
Lois: For myself, I like separates to stretch the budget (even if it adds time to the decision on what to wear), bright colors for a good portion of my clothes, often paired with something more neutral (rarely dark brown, however), and simple classic styles and patterns rather than trendy. Just because orange and purple were in a couple of years ago, I was not about to go out and buy or wear orange and purple. Often, I want something with a bit of stretch that comfortably hugs my upper body to show off what modest figure I have. I don’t like things tight around the neck or under the arms, but body-hugging looks and feels nice. And I think I have a figure that shows off women’s clothes well. But I will let others judge that based on the pictures I shared.
Monika: I’ve read that cisgender women gained liberation through the development of contraceptive pills, whereas transgender women’s freedom now comes from advances in cosmetic surgery, so they’re no longer prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. What’s your take on that?
Lois: Transgender surgery and safer hormones have made what was generally impossible now more possible, if not perfect, depending upon the age at which a person transitions. But it is still relatively new, and the consequences have to be weighed carefully. And we have to be cautious about what we wish for because sometimes we do get it. I just saw a promo trailer for the upcoming season of I Am Jazz. In one part, a surgeon tells her that while going on hormones early did wonders for her bust line, the effect they had on her genitals will make bottom surgery much more difficult in terms of achieving a satisfactory result.
Monika: So, what are the limitations of these medical advances when it comes to fully transforming or “passing”?
Lois: In general, advances in medicine and surgery have made things much better than they were 75 years ago or more. But they can only do so much. For most of us who were fully affected by testosterone, they will only reverse so much. Hands can’t be made smaller, shoulders can’t be made narrower, and they don’t change the voice. For those carrying a lot of “male baggage,” it can take a long time to shed it, and some never do completely. These treatments aren’t a magic bullet that changes public opinion. So I think it’s an exaggeration to say these developments have freed us. But they do help.
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| "Transgender surgery and safer hormones have made what was generally impossible now more possible." |
Monika: What are your thoughts on transgender beauty pageants?
Lois: If they are staged in a way that honors the entrants and that’s what a trans woman wants to do, go for it! However, if they objectify the entrants, or worse, conduct the pageant like a freak show, I have a problem with that.
Monika: Many transgender women write memoirs. Have you ever considered writing your own?
Lois: I’ve thought about it, have an outline and a hook in mind, and even a working title. Now I just need a patron! :) It is difficult to find the time when a person doesn’t have a lot of money, has to work a lot to pay the bills, and is also called upon by many people for moral and emotional support.
Monika: How has love played a role in your life, especially romantic love?
Lois: In general, I have not been lucky in romance. Maybe that will change now, but so far there’s been little evidence of that. About 35 years ago, I met a wonderful lady, and we fell in love and married. Unfortunately for her, she went through childhood trauma that resulted in untreated PTSD and major abandonment issues. That led her to sabotage every close relationship she was ever in that I am aware of, even close friendships. Our marriage was over in less than a year.
Monika: Did you ever reconnect after that relationship ended?
Lois: Ten years ago, we reconnected and at first, it appeared that we could make a go of it this time. But she hadn’t been healed. God didn’t reunite us so we would remarry. For me, He did it to give me closure. The bottom line is that it would have been very difficult for her to deal with me telling her that I am transgender. It would be nice if I had someone to share the rest of my life with, but I try to be realistic about the chances considering my circumstances and beliefs.
Monika: How do you experience love outside of romantic relationships?
Lois: Of course, good friends can love each other in a non-romantic way. My friendships are very important. And knowing the love of Christ and letting others see that love is also very important to me.
Monika: Are you currently working on any new projects or goals?
Lois: I have a huge backlog of tax work at the moment, plus my attention is on my upcoming surgery and some other health issues that are not major but still important. If anything, I need to finally get serious about clearing out the clutter in my apartment, from a downsized office, my old life, personal items saved from my parents’ lifetime, and general accumulation. If I do well there, maybe I can get back to the gym. Maybe I can get back to writing my memoirs.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls who are struggling with gender dysphoria?
Lois: If you’re reading this, it probably means you have access to the Internet. I would have loved to be able to do Internet research when I was a teen and young adult. So my first piece of advice is to use the Internet to search for age-appropriate support groups near you, to find other trans women, to look for resources such as doctors and mental health professionals knowledgeable in transgender issues, and to find transgender-friendly hair removal technicians. When you find the first two items on the list, they will often help you with recommendations for the other resources.
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| "My friendships are very important." |
Monika: How important is it not to face this journey alone?
Lois: The point is, do not continue to go it alone. This will be one of the most important journeys and will lead to one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. Ultimately, all the final decisions are yours, but you will face many steps along the way. There are many different people to come out to, such as immediate family, distant family, your job or clients, perhaps your school, friends including someone you might be dating, and in some cases neighbors or a house of worship. Some of those are more difficult than others, and none go perfectly, but decisions have to be made about both when and how.
Monika: What practical matters should transgender girls start thinking about early on?
Lois: Consider questions like: Where are the best places to shop for clothes? Where can you store your clothes until you are out at home? What about establishing credit in your new name (and yes, start thinking about your new name, both first and last, if you haven’t chosen one already)? What are the procedures for changing your name where you live? What are the procedures for changing your birth certificate where you were born?
Monika: Those are all quite common questions among transgender people, aren’t they?
Lois: Because it can be complicated, some local support groups hold clinics specifically on topics like name changes, birth certificate amendments, and gender marker updates. You might also need to find a trans-friendly lawyer or law firm to help with other issues that may arise.
Monika: How do you suggest dealing with the fear and uncertainty that come with such a significant journey?
Lois: For most of us, any significant journey includes dealing with fear and facing the unknown. There are the unknowns that we know exist but fear because we don’t know how to handle them. Then there are the unknowns we hadn’t even thought about but will encounter along the way. Perhaps you’ll be at a group meeting and someone a few steps ahead will mention something she has to do that you hadn’t even realized you would need to do as well. It is easier to face fear and the unknown when you are not alone. There is more safety in numbers.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame once wrote that we should never limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexual and transgender people doing. She said our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Lois: This is very well said. First of all, remember that while our stories have many things in common, they are still our own stories and unique to us. We are shaped by our inner nature, our attributes, and our circumstances. So, as someone unique, be hesitant to use other stories as a measuring stick and quick to use the success stories as encouragement and inspiration.
Monika: Is there a “right way” to transition, or is it different for everyone?
Lois: In a similar manner, while we might do foolish things (hopefully avoiding most) on the transition journey, there is no one right way to be trans and no one right way to transition. That includes whether or not we end up on an operating table. Of all the possible surgeries, there might be some you don’t need, some you don’t want, some you can’t afford, some that are medically contraindicated, and some you will choose to have. The same goes for hormones, not everyone transitions with them; some use herbals, some use medicinals.
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| "Life is a series of transitions." |
Monika: How can we view transition in the context of life’s many changes?
Lois: If you think about it, life is a series of transitions: childhood to adulthood to old age; student to worker to retirement; single to married; childless to parenting; married to widowed or divorced. With each transition, doors close and new doors open. Gender transition is one that most of the world doesn’t experience, but the same principle holds true. Surgery and other key steps may have been lifelong goals and it’s fitting to take time to savor and celebrate them. But don’t neglect the new doors that open as a result, and don’t forget to prepare for their opening. Most of all, enjoy the journey, the journey of life!
Monika: Lois, thank you for the interview!
Lois: You are very welcome. Thank you for asking me to participate in the wonderful blog you developed and the interview project you are doing.
END OF PART 4
All photos: courtesy of Lois Simmons.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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