Monika: Your latest memoir, The Agony, The Ecstasy and The Buddha: One Woman's Month in Thailand Having a Sex Change, is a deeply personal account of your gender-affirming surgery. What motivated you to share such an intimate story with the world?
Rachel: I decided to write this book because I thought it might be helpful to other trans women, especially those considering surgery in Thailand. I did my best not to pull any punches about the experience, why and how I made the decision to go, the preparation before surgery, and the highs and lows of recovery. I included everything, from the emotional rollercoaster to the first time I dilated after surgery. Not every trans woman wants or needs surgery, but for those who do, there aren’t many detailed personal accounts available. I wanted to offer something real and honest to fill that gap. I’ve always believed that transparency can be a lifeline to someone who feels alone in their journey.
Monika: What were some of the challenges you faced in bringing this story to publication, and what impact do you hope the book will have?
Rachel: I didn’t write it thinking it would be a bestseller. In fact, I held onto the rough draft for over a year because I couldn’t justify paying for editing and production on something with such a narrow audience. But I finally realized that if the book helped even one person make an informed decision about surgery, or feel less alone during recovery, it would be worth it. Sometimes, one person’s truth can echo far more widely than expected. Even now, I receive messages from readers who say it helped them take their next step forward.
Monika: Looking back now, what finally led you to realize that transitioning was the right path for you, and how did you come to that decision?
Rachel: I transitioned in my mid-thirties, and I wish I had done it earlier. Of course, as I’ve already said, I didn’t know the word transgender growing up. I didn’t know that other people felt like me, or that there was anything that could be done about it. It wasn’t until after my divorce, in my mid-thirties, that I started to really deal with my own gender issues. I remember thinking, “I’ve done everything society says I should, got married, had a family, and it hasn’t changed how I feel.”
From that point on, I knew it was up to me to discover the path that would make me happy. I tried living as a gay man, but that didn’t make me any happier. Finally, I started to admit that what I wasn’t happy with was myself. I didn’t want to live as a man anymore. That’s when I began seeing a counselor to explore gender issues and begin my transition. Starting therapy was one of the bravest and most necessary steps I ever took.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you met someone who was openly trans, and how that encounter influenced your own journey?
Rachel: The first time I met a trans person was in my late twenties. She was gorgeous and so naturally feminine that, while the meeting has stayed with me all these years, I had trouble identifying with her. I remember thinking, “If I could be that beautiful, of course I would transition.” I clung to that excuse for a couple of years. Meanwhile, I met a woman, got married, and had a kid. It was like I kept trying to live everyone else’s idea of a good life, even though it wasn’t my truth. That moment of comparison delayed my transition, but it also planted the seed that would later grow.
|
| Available via Amazon. |
Rachel: I started reading about trans people as soon as I came out and discovered many role models and trailblazers out there. I stumbled upon Aleshia Brevard’s autobiography about being transgender back in the fifties and sixties. I was amazed at the strength it must have taken to be out in those times.
I also read Jennifer Boylan’s She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, along with Helen Boyd’s two books, My Husband Betty and She’s Not the Man I Married. (It’s an interesting side note about how far we’ve come, and how quickly, My Husband Betty is actually about cross-dressing more than transgender people. It seemed revelatory at the time, but now already feels a bit dated and inaccurate.) Those books offered comfort and a sense of recognition that I didn’t realize I was craving until I found them.
Monika: As your understanding of trans identity deepened, did your view of the community’s history change as well?
Rachel: As I started learning more about LGBT history in general, I discovered so many trans people who have been active since the beginning. I’m glad that the contributions of people like Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson are finally being recognized by the wider LGBT community. I also discovered Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, which had a huge impact on me. At the same time that I was reading, I joined a local support group. The group was incredibly helpful, and I met many personal role models. The trans community has such an incredible diversity of people, they helped me find my way through transition, and I am grateful to each and every one of them. Without them, I would have felt much more alone in those early, uncertain days.
Monika: In recent years, we’ve seen a surge of visible transgender figures in media, politics, and activism. Are there any public trans women today whom you find particularly inspiring?
Rachel: Wow. What can I say? The last ten years or so have seen such an explosion of trans people on the public scene. In 2007, you had to search the library for any reference to trans people. Media appearances were confined to interviews on shows that catered to “niche” interests. Now it seems trans people and narratives are everywhere. I’ve met Mara Keisling, and I admire the work that the NCTE (National Center for Transgender Equality) is doing. Actress Laverne Cox has become a gracious and powerful voice for transgender people. It’s amazing to see representation grow in both depth and diversity.
Monika: Beyond these public figures, are there any stories or individuals who’ve stayed with you on a more personal or emotional level?
Rachel: I’ve watched Janet Mock, author of Redefining Realness, on several news shows talking about trans issues, and I’m so glad we have people like her on the national stage. And I absolutely adored Michelle Hendley in Boy Meets Girl. One of the greatest joys, though, is watching the next generation. They are coming out so young these days and making their marks early. I remember reading an article about Jazz Jennings when she was a child, and now she has several books out. I wish I could have had that kind of visibility and success in coming out at her age. Seeing them thrive gives me a deep sense of hope for the future.
Monika: Many transgender women face significant losses when they choose to live authentically, whether it's relationships, careers, or personal safety. What was your own experience like when you came out and began your transition?
Monika: Many transgender women face significant losses when they choose to live authentically, whether it's relationships, careers, or personal safety. What was your own experience like when you came out and began your transition?
Rachel: I have been really blessed, I have to say. I’ve had my personal struggles, and I carried a lot of fear before I began my transition, but most of those fears never came to pass. I have to acknowledge my privilege in this. I am a trans woman, but I’m also a middle-class white woman. So many trans women have it so much worse than I do. I had to pay for the bulk of my medical transition costs out of pocket, but I had the money to do that. I’ve had people say hurtful things, but I live in a neighborhood where violent crime is rare and I’ve never been attacked. I recognize how rare and fortunate that kind of stability is for a trans person.
Monika: That’s an encouraging experience to hear. Were there any systems of support, legal, social, or professional, that helped ease your transition?
Rachel: I also have to give some props to my state. Iowa is in the Midwest and, to outsiders, it may seem deeply conservative. But it also has a long history of civil rights. Transgender people are included in the state’s nondiscrimination laws. My workplace accepted my transition without batting an eye. I know that’s not the norm everywhere, and I’m deeply grateful. So, yeah, for me the hardest part was simply deciding to do it in the first place. That inner hurdle, overcoming doubt and fear, was tougher than anything the outside world threw at me.
Monika: In recent years, transgender visibility has surged, with trans women finding success as models, artists, authors, politicians, and entrepreneurs. From your perspective, how would you describe the current state of transgender women in today’s society?
Rachel: We’ve definitely exploded into the public eye in the last few years. That’s the good news. The bad news is that these people are still the exception. Many trans people live in areas where there is little social acceptance and a lot of overt discrimination. Visibility doesn’t always translate into safety or opportunity. Still, it’s encouraging to see more trans people stepping into the spotlight and opening doors for others.
Monika: Do you see any similarities between the progress of the transgender rights movement and earlier movements, such as the fight for gay and lesbian rights?
Rachel: Absolutely. I’ve lived through the evolution of gay and lesbian rights, especially around marriage equality, and there are definitely parallels. In the early eighties, almost nobody talked about gay people at all. Then came the AIDS epidemic, and there was a lot of talk, but most of it was negative. But gay and lesbian people started to be more open about their lives. They started showing up on TV and in mainstream media, and that visibility started to shift perceptions. I remember watching that shift happen slowly but steadily across the years.
Monika: Do you believe this same transformation is underway for the transgender community?
Rachel: I think the same kind of thing can happen for trans people. When this generation grows up having seen trans people on TV their entire lives, hearing about schoolmates who transitioned, and knowing trans people who are living their lives openly, they won’t even understand why it’s an issue for some people. And that’s when real change will begin. We’re planting seeds now that will grow into a more accepting society for the next generation.
Monika: While transgender visibility is rising, we’re still facing serious challenges, from ongoing political battles over restroom access to the heartbreaking violence targeting trans women. What are your thoughts on the so-called "restroom debate"?
Rachel: The restroom war is such a crock. It's entirely made up to get conservative voters outraged and to the polls, nothing more. Iowa passed a law in 2007 stating that everyone had the right to public accommodation according to their gender identity. For ten years, trans women in Iowa have been using women’s restrooms without any noticeable issue. I mean, you go in, you pee, you wash your hands, and leave. Right? It’s frustrating that something so mundane has been twisted into a political scare tactic.
Monika: So this controversy wasn’t really an issue in Iowa until it was politicized nationally?
Rachel: Exactly. In ten years, there was no rush by perverted men to use this law to sneak into women’s restrooms. There was no huge outcry by conservatives over the law. It wasn’t until some national politicians decided to use it as a talking point that it even became an issue. It’s just another example of how misinformation can shape public perception and policy.
Monika: Let’s shift to something even more devastating, violence against trans women. What are your thoughts on why we continue to see such horrific acts?
Rachel: Violence against trans women is another issue altogether. It’s gut-wrenching to hear about, to see on the news. And it’s so prevalent. We hear stories far too often, and behind every headline is a real person whose life was stolen. Transphobia is certainly a big part, but there are so many overlapping issues that it’s hard to separate them all out.
Monika: Why are trans women of color especially at risk?
Rachel: Trans women of color are at a much higher risk of violence. Clearly, racism plays a huge part. I am heartened to see Black Lives Matter champion the deaths of trans women, and many in the trans community being willing to acknowledge the BLM movement. Together we can do far more than we can alone. It's essential that our fight for equality is intersectional and inclusive of all our experiences.
|
| Available via goodreads. |
Rachel: In many cases, trans women are killed by their own partners. Domestic violence is something that affects many cisgender women as well. The difference is that too many women’s shelters use discriminatory definitions of what it means to be a woman, leaving trans women with few options to escape a violent partner.
Finally, so many LGBT youths, especially transgender youth, end up on the streets, homeless, and in harm’s way, thanks mostly to unaccepting families. But instead of giving up hope, the mass of interlocking issues should give us determination. They mean that there are lots of ways to attack the problem. Even small changes, like educating shelters or training staff, can protect trans people. And if we can manage to build a trans community that is truly open and diverse, dealing with racism, sexism, and multiple other issues along with our own LGBT issues, we can do a huge amount of good for this world.
Monika: LGBTQ+ people often unite under one banner, but each letter represents a distinct identity with its own struggles. As the “T” in that acronym, do you feel the transgender community has enough space and support to advance its specific needs within the broader LGBTQ+ movement?
Rachel: That’s a loaded question. ;-) I know there has been a long, divisive history of conflicts within the LGBTQ community. But ultimately, I think we are all in this together, and we have to find ways to work together. The largest issues, those of broad social acceptance, are ones we share in common. We need each other, especially when our rights are under coordinated attack.
Monika: What core values should unite the LGBTQ+ community, despite our differences?
Rachel: We all should be able to identify in ways that make us feel comfortable. We should all have the right to live our lives in peace, and pursue happiness on our own terms. Politically, this covers a huge amount of ground, from fighting for tougher anti-bullying programs in schools to ENDA (Employee Non-Discrimination Act). These are basic rights that apply across our identities, and they form the foundation of our shared advocacy.
Monika: Still, there are certain issues unique to trans people. How do you view those distinctions?
Rachel: That said, there are issues that trans people face that LGB people don’t. There are medical aspects for those needing to transition, things like getting insurance companies to pay. There’s also the bathroom issue, though one has to point out that conservatives seem incredibly bad at identifying actual trans people. At least as many butch lesbians and even butch-looking straight women have been caught up in that as trans women. It would be funny if it weren’t so hurtful to everyone. These differences are real and deserve serious attention, not just as side notes.
Monika: What should our LGB allies do to better support trans people, and what should we do in return?
Rachel: On these issues, we need to hold the LGB community’s feet to the fire. These things might not affect them personally, but they’re definitely part of their values. You can’t argue that you should have the right to pursue happiness in your own way and then deny the next person the same rights. We just need to keep reminding them, as often as necessary, that the fight isn’t over. And we need to keep educating them on trans issues. There is, sadly, transphobia in the LGB community. We need to keep pushing and educating them.
We need to remind our LGB allies that acceptance is one of their values, something they fought for, they just need to broaden it to include trans people. And trans people need to remember that when the next person comes along and wants to address racism in the trans community or ask us to be more inclusive of some other minority, we have to do the same. Hopefully, we can listen with an open mind and remember how hard it was for us to find acceptance for who we were. This kind of mutual accountability is the only way we all move forward together.
Monika: Transgender people are increasingly portrayed in media, from films and books to news stories. But how would you evaluate the quality and depth of this representation so far?
Rachel: I definitely have some thoughts on this, and it’s a big part of why I write what I write. I think in many ways, we are still at the very tip of the iceberg when it comes to trans representation in media, especially in two important ways. The first is how so many books portray being transgender. They're still largely confined to “issue pieces” about being transgender, rather than being books about transgender characters. Too often, the stories revolve around a character sitting in their room, feeling bad about being trans, and struggling with their feelings.
The books tend to focus heavily on how their gender identity affects the people around them: Will their family accept them or not? Will they be “allowed” to be transgender? (What a terrible question to even ask. You are transgender. You don’t need anyone’s permission. The only real question is whether you’ll be allowed to live in peace.) These portrayals, while sometimes well-intentioned, rarely show trans people as fully developed characters with ambition, joy, and agency.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Rachel Eliason.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
No comments:
Post a Comment