Monika: My mother was quite overprotective, especially when it came to dating. Every one of my partners had to undergo her scrutiny, and she always kept a close eye on me. Was it the same for you?
Veronique: Absolutely. My mother was so overprotective that I sometimes would get angry. Not so much about my boyfriends (I always dated doctors, lawyers, athletes, intellectuals, even noblemen). She didn't want me to get hurt by men. All mothers are like that, I guess. She could always tell when I had had sex the previous night, haha. I always introduced my boyfriends to my parents. Mother would always ask me if they knew about me. I never told anyone. I lived in stealth until 2007. Not telling your sex partners that you are trans is something that is no longer legal in some countries and is punishable as rape! It is some governments that are now controlling our sex life. If I have sex with a man in London, I need to tell him I am trans or face jail time for rape.
My men learned about my being trans when I published Pholomolo in 2007. Only my lover Bjorn, a fellow rowing club mate, knew I was trans, but I didn’t know he knew. We started dating in 1994. I never told him, but there were rumours at the rowing club that I wasn't aware of. He told his friends that he didn't mind my being transgender and nine years his senior. We remained special friends for many years, until he got married and became a father about ten years ago. I love men who are confident enough not to care about people's opinions about them dating a trans girl. They are great men.
Monika: You know how mothers can be, they often have these expectations, like wanting us to have a happy family and be good mothers, all so they can eventually have grandchildren. Did your mom encourage you to follow that path?
Veronique: Quite the opposite. She always told me to be independent, that it was not necessary to get married. She told me I could always enjoy the company of men without the need to cook and clean for them or wash their clothes. Have your own house, your own car, your own money, your own life, and just enjoy men for the extras. “Men are for fun,” she said. I think she wasn't completely happy in her own marriage to my father and dreamt about being a more independent, fabulous woman and adventurer. I guess I did exactly what she hoped for and dreamt about.
My parents were very proud of me, being who I am and creating the life I have. My parents never hoped I would get married or adopt children. I don't even like children. I love dogs. They were okay with that.
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| "For 11 years I was a competition rower in the lightweight category, up to 59 kg." |
Monika: With so much of your energy devoted to the gardens, do you still keep up with what’s happening in Europe and the USA, particularly when it comes to policies affecting the trans community?
Véronique: I am very much aware of what is going on in the world. I listen to news podcasts, I read international newspapers. I am very concerned about the recent dehumanisation of trans people in the West, not only in the USA, but also in the UK and other countries in Europe. I am scared and shocked to see a growing resentment against transgender women, most likely instigated by just a few events, a few photos of transgender athletes competing in some low-level sports. It generated worldwide outrage among many people, such as Martina Navratilova and J.K. Rowling, to name a few, and it became a global discussion that is totally out of proportion. How many transgender athletes won the Olympics last time? I can't name any.
Monika: What impact has this backlash had on you emotionally?
Véronique: I am sad and shocked by the comments people leave on social media on any subject regarding trans people. We are humiliated, called mentally ill, and so on. Post-op trans women are suddenly referred to as men. Suddenly parents are concerned that their children are forced by teachers to examine their gender and perhaps correct it? Really? I can't begin to describe how ridiculous this public discussion about transgender people is. We are a very small minority, trying to stay alive and to fix a medical problem. After that, most of us want to live a quiet life and live in peace. Being transgender is a serious and costly medical condition, and it is not a fashion trend like some want us to believe.
Monika: Have you noticed this shift in how you're treated personally?
Véronique: Yes. Why are we suddenly considered one of the most dangerous problems in the world and on top of governments' agendas worldwide? Mothers and women want to ban us from ladies' toilets because we pose a threat to their daughters! Women have the right to feel safe and should not be threatened by being in the presence of transgender women? Really? Is that how people think of me, of us? I have no idea why this is happening, but it scares me. Why do people think we are male rapists in drag pretending to be women and posing a threat to girls in toilets? The only threat to women are straight men! I repeat: STRAIGHT MEN. Are we a scapegoat?
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| "I feel safe in Cambodia and Thailand." |
I am trying to wrap my head around this anti-LGBT movement in the West. We are losing our basic human rights. The trend is a downward spiral. It doesn't look good. The public opinion, even in the Netherlands, has shifted from acceptance and tolerance to plain discrimination and hate within a few years. When I lived in the Netherlands I could already feel it. People would Google my name and suddenly they would stop talking to me when they learned I was transgender. I am concerned about the political trend towards ultra-right politics, populism, and fascism. I keep myself informed daily about the situation in Europe and the USA and the rest of the world, because there is a lot going on that is not good. I am not optimistic.
Monika: Do you feel safer living in Southeast Asia?
Véronique: I feel safe in Cambodia and Thailand. Buddhist countries are tolerant, and in this part of the world there is such a thing as a third sex. Gender is fluid in this part of the world. But I fear for the well-being of LGBTQ+ people in the West, especially transgender women, as they are the main focus of this hate movement.
I also want to remind you that I was an athlete myself. For 11 years I was a competition rower in the lightweight category, up to 59 kg. I was very sensible about competing in a girls' team against other girls. I discussed the matter with the Amsterdam Gender Team. They thought I had no advantage due to my fragile physique, early transition, and lack of testosterone. Neither have I won any race as a single sculls rower. I was not as strong as other women my age and of the same weight. It taught me a lot about transgender athletes. But I agree that weight categories would help, and I hope that my fellow transgender people do some self-study on fairness and equality before they compete against other women. If I had felt that somehow I had an unfair advantage, I would have refrained from competing against other women in sports and just enjoyed my sport recreationally.
Monika: What is life like for transgender women in Cambodia? Would you say it’s comparable to the situation in Thailand?
Véronique: I met only a few Khmer transgenders in Kampot. They worked in the hotels that I like to visit when I want to swim and have a drink or dinner. They were out to their colleagues and even to their customers. I was able to identify them as transgender, and I told them I was also a TG. They were in their mid-twenties; one girl was post-op. I am not familiar with LGBT acceptance in Cambodia. It is not prohibited, but it is not as open and accepted here as it is in Thailand. Thailand is very special and perhaps unique.
I love Cambodia, but I am not open about my being a transgender to my contacts here. I have always felt that my being transgender was a personal matter that I wouldn’t need to share with others. Only a few people know. I don’t think it would cause any major problems because being a Westerner with money is a really good thing here. I always feel like a movie star. People I don’t know wave and smile at me, just because I am a foreigner. How great is that?
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| "Transgender people are ridiculed, dehumanised by civilised Western governments, and even denied medical care." |
Monika: With your experience in both Europe and Asia, do you think the journey for transgender women is different depending on the region? How do you see the global trans movement evolving?
Véronique: I recently learned that transgenders in the UK can no longer use public toilets assigned to the gender they identify with. Does that mean that I cannot go to the ladies’ toilet at the Royal Opera Covent Garden when I want to powder my nose and chat with my girlfriends? These days there is a question on a USA tourist visa application that asks you to truthfully mention the gender you were assigned at birth. Really? It says female in my passport but the US authorities want to know whether I am transgender. What if I lie? Do they Google my name? Do I get arrested and detained? What is next? Do I need to wear a pink triangle on my clothes so people can see instantly that I am LGBT?
My American friends strongly advised me not to travel to the USA for safety reasons. This is all very scary stuff. Transgender people are ridiculed, dehumanised by civilised Western governments, and even denied medical care. I have been warned by political experts not to compare this situation with late 1930s Nazi Germany, but it certainly feels that way. I see a lot of similarities with what happened to Jews, Sinti, Roma, homosexuals, and other unwanted people. Let’s talk again in five years and see if things got better for LGBTs or not. My advice to my sisters is: leave while you can. Actually, I receive messages from LGBT people in the USA who are immigrating to Europe, and I have European friends who are fleeing to Thailand.
Monika: Have you had the opportunity to connect with other transgender women in Cambodia?
Véronique: Not really. Just the girls I mentioned before, but they now live in Phnom Penh to earn some extra money for their surgeries.
Monika: It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 20 years since you published Pantau in India and my personal favorite, Pholomolo: No Man No Woman. Have you ever thought about writing a follow-up, or perhaps starting a brand-new book project?
Véronique: I am no longer in contact with my Dutch publisher who published Pantau in India. Pholomolo still sells POD in the USA. It is also used for educational purposes by the Aspen Institute. Every year they ask me for permission to have it included in their educational material. I no longer write books, but I do like to come up with very long answers when being interviewed, haha.
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| “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” |
I signed a contract in 2009 with an American publisher, but they went bankrupt a year later and never published my follow-up memoir. I ceased writing that year and focused on my YouTube channel. I would be open to a podcast. I am totally into podcasts these days. I have a YouTube channel, but I never considered using that channel for transgender purposes. I do have many years of experience living as a transgender woman in various cultures, but I never really felt I needed to talk about it in the media. Maybe there is still a bit of fear of facing negative consequences. I feel safe in Cambodia and Thailand, but these days I need to check if certain countries, even western countries such as the UK and USA, are safe for me to travel to.
Monika: If you were to revisit Pholomolo: No Man No Woman with the perspective and wisdom you’ve gained since, which parts of Véronique’s journey would you highlight or perhaps reinterpret?
Véronique: I would perhaps tone down the more graphic details of my sex life. I wrote about it for educational purposes. Also, I always thought it was truly special to have had sex as a boy with a man, as a pre-op girl with a man, as a post-op girl with a man. I would also emphasize the positive aspects of a life as a transgender person. We are truly special to experience life this way. I even did so in various foreign cultures. It was not a boring journey.
But I always bear in mind that I am privileged to have been born in a rich family. I do get opportunities others do not. I was able to retire at 34 and travel abroad, live abroad, knowing in the back of my mind that my parents would support me financially and leave me a very nice fortune after their passing. Keeping that in mind, I will do my best to help others, nature, and animals. I still live a very modest lifestyle without many luxuries. Kikiyaya might be grand, but it is void of excessive luxuries.
Monika: Véronique, thank you for sharing your story with such honesty, elegance, and courage. Listening to you feels like flipping through the pages of a truly extraordinary life, fierce, fearless, and undeniably fabulous. I’d like to end with the words of someone you once called a friend, His Holiness the Dalai Lama: “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” And clearly, Veronique, you’ve done just that, starting with your own.
END OF PART 3
All photos: courtesy of Véronique Françoise Caroline Renard.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
Other publications about Veronique Renard:
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