Holly’s story is one of quiet strength, profound resilience, and heartfelt courage. Born in 1962 in Connecticut, she has navigated a lifelong journey of self-discovery and transformation with grace and determination. From a very young age, Holly knew her truth, that she was a woman, despite the world around her insisting otherwise. Enduring early years shadowed by misunderstanding, bullying, and the struggle to conceal her authentic self, Holly’s journey is a testament to the power of inner light shining through adversity. A devoted writer and storyteller, Holly chose to share her transition journey on Reddit under the name mikah_rowan, offering honest insights and support to countless others navigating similar paths.
Her story is marked not only by her physical transformation through multiple surgeries and hormone therapy, but also by a deep emotional and spiritual awakening that continues every day. Holly embraces her femininity with pride, expressing herself through vibrant fashion and a rekindled love for life. Her dreams extend beyond her own transition, she hopes to inspire others to blossom into their true selves, to pursue their passions boldly, and to find peace in their own skin. As she prepares to step further into the world with newfound confidence, Holly’s story reminds us all that the journey to authenticity is never just about outward change, but about embracing the radiant soul within.
Monika: Today’s interview is with Holly, a transgender woman who documents her transition on Reddit.com under the username mikah_rowan. Hello, Holly!
Holly: Hello, Monika, and thank you for this opportunity to share a bit about myself and my experiences.
Monika: Could you please tell us a little about yourself?
Holly: Okay, so I was born in 1962 in Connecticut, USA, not too far from New York City. My father died when I was only six months old, and my mother remarried before I could even remember. I had a brother six years older than me and a sister three years older. I realized that I was transgender at a very early age, even though, to me, it had no name yet.
Monika: When did you first become aware of your gender identity, and how did your family react?
Holly: As soon as I was aware of being a human being and noticing the differences between boys and girls, men and women, I knew that I was a girl and that I would grow up to be a woman. But something was wrong. My mom kept dressing me in little boys' clothes and giving me boys' toys to play with. I would take off my boys' clothing and go to my sister's dresser to put on her clothes. At first, everyone was amused by this, but when I kept persisting, my mother started “correcting” my behavior. It got to the point where I was being spanked by my step-dad, and his kids started to tease me and even beat me up.
Monika: That sounds very difficult. How did these experiences affect you growing up?
Holly: At an early age, I started to learn that I had to keep my true self secret from everybody. I tried hard to be a boy, but it was like a war inside me, the girl inside fighting against the boy that everyone wanted and expected me to be. This had a lasting and negative effect on my whole life. One of my step-brothers leaked my dressing up to the neighborhood boys. I lived in a tough neighborhood, so I became a target of bullies in school, on the playground, and anywhere I was seen. I started to live constantly in fear, and I hated school, not because I hated learning, which I love, but because it was a very scary place for me to be.
Monika: Did you continue to feel the same way about your gender identity as you grew older?
Holly: As I got older, I decided not to go to college because of my school issues and started working in restaurants, and to this day, I still work in that business. I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be, and since I am attracted to girls, I got married twice, both miserable failures. I know this sounds strange, but sex became an issue with every girl I was ever with. When I would get involved with a girl, falling in love would push the gender disorder from my mind, and for a few months, everything seemed fine.
Monika: What happened after that initial period? How did your gender dysphoria affect your relationships?
Holly: After that initial glow wore off, the gender identity disorder would come raging back stronger than before, and sex was awkward and difficult for me. I wanted to be the other person, not me. In the end, after my second divorce, I gave up and decided not to get involved anymore. In summary, the untreated gender dysphoria made every day of my life a living hell, and I could not escape even in my dreams.
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| Left, 2009. Right, 2017. Hormones and surgery, amazing! |
Monika: What made you decide to share the details of your transition on Reddit?
Holly: I am a writer at heart, and Reddit was an anonymous outlet where I could share anything I wanted without fear. It gave me a safe space to express my thoughts openly, without worrying about judgment. Over time, sharing my journey there became a way to connect with others going through similar experiences and to offer support where I could.
Monika: You must receive many questions from your Reddit audience. What kinds of things do they usually ask about?
Holly: I get a lot of questions about how to deal with religious parents or how to tell a girlfriend. Since I started having surgery, I get many questions related to specific surgeries, the cost, the pain, the recovery time, and so on. It feels good to provide honest answers and to help demystify the process for others who might be scared or confused. Sometimes, people just want reassurance that their feelings and experiences are valid.
Monika: What is the strangest question you have ever been asked?
Holly: Someone once asked me if I could freeze some sperm and get myself pregnant after my gender reassignment. I responded by saying, “That’s not how this works , that’s not how any of this works…” It made me realize how little some people know about transgender healthcare and biology. It also showed me that education is a big part of what I’m doing by sharing my story.
Monika: What stage of your transition are you at right now?
Holly: I have had two facial surgeries which have changed my life. The first was a rhinoplasty. My surgeon does facial feminization in steps to see how each stage heals and to determine how to proceed with the next one.
In my second surgery, I had several things done: forehead contouring, an eyebrow lift, fat grafting into my cheeks, contouring of the chin bone, a tracheal shave, liposuction of the neck and under the jaw, an upper lip lift, and fat grafting in the lips.
Monika: Are you satisfied with the results of your hormone therapy?
Holly: I started at a later age than is recommended, so I wasn’t happy with my breast growth, but it did wonders for my complexion and body hair growth. I hardly have to shave my legs anymore, and I used to shave almost every day.
But the mental and emotional effects of estrogen were dramatic. Getting the testosterone out of my blood was the best thing I ever did for my mental health. My brain and my chemistry were now in agreement, and peace broke out. I started thinking more clearly now that the fog of internal war lifted.
Monika: Are there any transgender role models you follow?
Holly: Laverne Cox maybe, because I am an aspiring actress, but instead of looking for inspiration, I try to live my life in a way that can be an inspiration to others.
A lot of people who first learn that I am trans bring up Caitlyn Jenner. To be nice, I will only say that I am not a fan of hers at all. I don’t think that she did anything to shed light on the trials of the average transgender person and turned the issue into reality TV fodder.
Monika: What was the hardest part of your coming out?
Holly: Getting over a lifetime of being labeled a tranny, a queen, a crossdresser, of being morally deficient. These things were so ingrained in me that I projected this attitude onto those around me. Two days ago, I finally came out to my boss at work, and he was like, “We got your back. Behind you 100%,” and that was like a giant stone lifted off my shoulders.
Monika: How do you see the current situation for transgender women in the U.S. today?
Holly: It depends. Racism is a big problem on its own in the U.S., never mind being a transgender minority. Black trans women are forced into sex work and are regularly the victims of violence and even murdered, and the killers often get sympathy because somehow the uneducated public thinks that trans women are trying to “trick” straight men into having gay sex. If you are a person of means or have good insurance, then it is a lot easier. But in a society that judges people on looks, many trans women who can’t afford hair removal or cosmetic surgery are shunned or made objects of ridicule.
Monika: What has your personal experience been like as a transgender woman navigating this environment?
Holly: In my own case, I decided to transition in a slow, steady manner, and I have had a generally good experience. My medical team is at Yale Hospital in New Haven, one of the best hospitals in the world. I have been treated with compassion and respect there.
Monika: What is your opinion of how transgender stories and characters have been portrayed in films, newspapers, or books so far?
Holly: Most get it wrong. Trans characters are portrayed as one-dimensional, overly concerned with sex, and cartoonish. Laverne Cox’s character is good, but she is in a prison situation, not out and about in society. It’s a different world, and I am waiting for an honest and sensitive portrayal that is not a comedy or sex thriller.
Monika: Are you active in politics or involved in any lobbying campaigns? Do you believe transgender women can make a difference in politics?
Holly: I am not active yet, but I plan to be once my surgeries are done. I would even consider running for office because God knows we need some sanity in U.S. politics these days.
Monika: How involved are you in your local LGBTQ community?
Holly: I never considered myself part of a community. It seems to me that the T is an almost unwelcome letter at the end of LGB. Most gay and lesbian people don’t identify with trans persons, and vice versa. While I do feel compelled to help trans sisters and brothers in need, for myself, I just want to be able to blend in, and that’s what my transition is about.
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| 19 May 2017 - The day my bandages came off and my new life began. |
Monika: While the transgender community is often grouped under the broader LGBTQ+ umbrella, do you feel that transgender people are truly able to advance their own unique cause within that alliance?
Holly: I do not think so. The issues are much too different. Trans persons are at a place where gays and lesbians were about 40 years ago, making ourselves visible and standing up for ourselves in the face of overwhelming prejudice. Even gays and lesbians never had to go to court to fight for the right to use a bathroom!
Monika: Let’s talk about style for a moment, has fashion played a role in your transition? What kinds of outfits do you enjoy wearing, and do you follow any particular trends or colors?
Holly: I used to think that I would be a tomboy when my outward appearance started changing, but I was wrong. I love fashion now and have a lot of catching up to do. I love wearing short dresses and skirts because I have always taken care of my legs, and they are in great shape, and I love to show them off. I like blues and bright reds, anything to attract attention now. I am tall, so I wear low heels, pumps, and wedges, or flats.
Monika: What are your thoughts on transgender beauty pageants, especially in the broader context of how pageants are viewed today?
Holly: I have always felt ambiguous about them for women in general, but I can see the allure for attractive women to participate. They will anger any feminist, especially the swimsuit competition, which is all about visual sexiness. As a trans feminist, I have mixed feelings.
Monika: And yet, have you ever considered participating in one yourself?
Holly: Absolutely! I have spent years reforming my body from a 260 lb couch potato of a guy to a sleek 155 lb feminine appearance, and I’m dying to get into a pageant because, in the back of my mind, it has always been a fantasy of mine. I remember watching pageants as a child, wishing so hard that I was one of the eye candy girls up there. Even at my age, I look really good. People always take me for being in my early 30s now, and when my surgeries are done, I will actively seek out modeling and pageants.
Monika: How has love, or the search for it, shaped your life and journey so far?
Holly: Relationships have always been problematic for me. I have built an icy cold iron enclosure around my heart, and once my transition is complete and I feel completely comfortable in my new skin and new role, I will seek out relationships again.
Monika: Many transgender women choose to write memoirs to share their stories. Have you ever considered turning your own journey into a book?
Holly: Yes, I keep a journal and will turn this into a book soon.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who are afraid to transition because of potential discrimination or hatred?
Holly: Think about how you will feel on your deathbed, looking back upon years of regret that you never did anything to make the situation better. In my own case, I am a cancer survivor. When you are face to face with death and beat it, every other scary situation becomes easier to deal with. But just think to yourself that life is very short, and ask yourself if you want to be miserable during your time here because of the fear of a thought in another person's mind. And because those thoughts can sometimes be dangerous and even deadly, when you do make the choice to transition, keep yourself out of situations that can be dangerous.
Monika: What goals are you focused on right now, and where do you hope to see yourself in the next five to seven years?
Holly: My next step is to keep marching on with my surgeries. When that is finished, then the real transition begins. The spiritual, mental, and emotional journey is never quite completed. Every day when we wake up, we are a bit different than the person that we were when we went to sleep. I plan to make some kind of splash now that I am unhindered by the burdens of dysphoria.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame once told me that our dreams shouldn’t end on the operating table, that’s where they begin. Do you share that perspective?
Holly: I think I answered some of this in my previous answer. When you are done with surgery, that is the real beginning. Blossom! Be yourself! Let your true beauty shine through! You have an opportunity afforded to you by modern medical procedures that the preceding generations of trans persons dreamed about, so don’t waste this opportunity.
Monika: Holly, it was a pleasure to speak with you. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Holly: Thank you for the opportunity to share!
All the photos: courtesy of Holly.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
