Monika: Today I have invited Kay. She is an American whitewater kayaker, urbanist, dad, and pizza lover that shares her transition story on social media. Hello Kay! Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Kay: Thank you, Monika, for inviting me to chat with you.
Monika: Could you say a few words about yourself?
Kay: of course, I’m a 47-year-old trans woman, who started transitioning in 2021. I live in a rural part of New York State though I grew up in NYC and spent about 10 years in Washington DC.
Monika: Whitewater kayaking sounds like a challenging hobby.
Kay: It really isn’t. I’ve been kayaking since 1990. Like many things it takes practice - nobody starts off being comfortable upside down, underwater encased in a kayak. But learning to kayak is a process of confronting fears, planning outcomes, and figuring out what went wrong so that we do better next time. We start with easy water and build skill and confidence as we work up to more and more challenging whitewater. The point is that it should be fun at every stage.
For me, hard whitewater is my safe emotional space. Being able to clear my mind and focus on the flow of the water has gotten me through many dark times in my life. Telling my paddling crew I was trans was terrifying because being rejected by them would mean losing that essential space. I shouldn’t have worried, In a sport dominated by bro culture our crew has a masc/non-binary paddler and many women. Yeah, we are a pretty amazing and rare group of expert paddlers. Far from being rejected, I’ve been embraced by the larger community, I’m one of the organizers of the biggest whitewater festival in New York, and I’ve been teaching advanced whitewater clinics for paddlers from across the nation on my home rivers.
Monika: What inspired you to share your intimate life moments on social media?
Kay: I needed an outlet for my feminine side before I ever came out publicly. Social media allowed me to be me before I was able to come out. When I began my medical transition it gave me an outlet to share my thoughts about transition alongside my photos.
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| "Social media allowed me to be me before I was able to come out." |
Kay: I actually don’t get a lot of questions. I think followers are a bit intimidated by my very personal essays and confident photos. Of course, if you’ve read my posts you know I struggle with elements of my transition like any other girl.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Kay: Before I came out I had already lost professional jobs in large part due to depression from not being myself. The pressure to come out came from recognizing that my emotional trajectory would lead to death unless I changed. For me, the single hardest thing about that process was knowing the solution was to call the gender clinic and being afraid to start that process.
There are a lot of unknowns I faced at the beginning of my transition journey. Chief among them was if it would be worth potentially losing all friends and family and would I end up looking like a caricature of a man in a dress. These are extreme fears I held in my head that I knew I would have to confront once I made the call to the gender clinic.
In many ways though this isn’t much different than the way we prepare for a really hard rapid when kayaking. We know what the goal is, we know that there is a path we want to follow and we know that there are nasty consequences if we make a mistake. Sitting at the top of the rapid we know all this stuff but we can’t know the outcome until we push off and run the rapid. It’s water in a chaotic environment so we also have to be prepared to flow with the situation, shift to plan b, or even c and rely on our friends to provide safety should something go really wrong.
I’ve relied on those same skills and friends to be there in my transition. And they have been. I think I’m lucky in that none of my friends abandoned me when I came out, if anything it’s strengthened bonds. This doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard, scary, emotional work learning to be me, but that I’ve been incredibly lucky as well.
Monika: Why did you choose Kay for your name?
Kay: Back in the late 80s or early 90s I created a short screen name out of a portmanteau of my deadname and middle names, 5 characters long, and genderless. It started with Kay. This screen name was my handle in games, e-mail, chat clients etc. When I started developing my female persona it made sense to continue with Kay. To this day I still use that handle almost everywhere and it somehow feels like a connection to my past that continues to resonate. I never disliked my deadname but that name no longer fits me. This variation, which is nowhere close to my deadname, maintains that connection, if only in my head.
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| "I used to be really focused on “passing” before I started my journey." |
Kay: Yes. I kept all my feelings bottled up inside. In my 20s and 30s, I presented as a basic cis hetero guy. My family were literally the last people who I would talk to about this stuff with. In my 40s I moved back into the family home, divorced, broke, and struggling emotionally. My family knew something was up, but never really expected me to come out as trans. My parents had an inkling it was gender related after living with me but even they were surprised. Though surprised, they have all been super supportive with the exception of my sister. She is the only person who has vocally rejected my transition and it has caused a lot of issues within the extended family and heartaches for my parents.
Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?
Kay: OMG yes! Right off the bat, the emotional change in the first weeks confirmed for me it was the right decision. Everything I had read said your mileage will vary, temper expectations. Well I set expectations low, I am older, but I’ve been so so happy with the effects and changes I’ve experienced over the last 19 months. Hormones are magic.
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Kay: I used to be really focused on “passing” before I started my journey. For me, this came from the crossdressing community which seemingly is even more obsessed with passing. But as I went on hormones and came to like me in my skin the focus on passing diminished. That doesn’t mean I don’t strive for my idea of feminine beauty, it just means I’m not as worried about being seen as trans instead of cis as I thought I would be.
I am hoping to get top surgery later this year, and I’m thinking long and hard about how important bottom surgery is to me. And yes there are days I need affirmations that I am beautiful, sexy, and feminine, i.e. passing, but it doesn’t hold the same importance it once did. I chalk the change in mindset from actually living as me vs worrying about what others will think.
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Kay: No, yes, not really, and of course. I have a coworker who transitioned at work about 2 years before me. She is a friend, of course, but we really only interact at work. She gave me a lot of confidence to know that when I did finally come out at work it wouldn’t be a big deal. But generally, I’ve gone through my transition alone. I live in a rural part of upstate New York. This means that I don’t have any local sisters or even much of an LGBTQIA+ community to plug into.
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| "Before I came out I had already lost professional jobs in large part due to depression from not being myself." |
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Kay: What more could I say that we haven’t all felt already? It’s deplorable that trans folk and kids are being disingenuously used for political points in the most mean-spirited ways with the intention to cause physical harm. Meanwhile, as a class, these are some of the most centered self-aware people I’ve met, whose only overarching goal is to feel like they belong.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Kay: I love fashion. I love to wear clothes that show off my body. Color, shape, texture are all so much fun. I tend towards a hyper-femme style, I think I generally pull it off well, but I seem to always be slightly overdressed for the occasion. On the other hand, I spent decades wearing boring clothes so I'm not interested in compromise. That said, I have no problem getting dirty, camping for days next to the river, or doing unladylike things in the dress I’m wearing. I have learned though to always bring a pair of flats with me in case the path really isn’t conducive to heels.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Kay: Not really, eye liner is my kryptonite, and my whole look seems to have settled on a natural fresh look with a bold lip. It’s definitely a skill I continue to hone.
Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Kay: My cis friends are all super active professionals mostly in their 30s and 40s. I think a lot of them live vicariously through my outfits and antics. In many ways, I’m still acting like that 20-year-old wearing bold outfits, connecting with many different groups, and unafraid to be outspoken. For me, this is part of learning who I am. I am figuring out who I am, those gentle barbs remind me that people are uncomfortable when confronted with authentic self-awareness. That’s a good thing in my mind.
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| "I love to wear clothes that show off my body." |
Kay: Absolutely. I mean it’s creepy when it comes from a cis dude who lingers. But yes, for me a big part of my transition and identity as a woman is about finding ways to see myself as sexy, beautiful, and desirable. Being validated with compliments is something I’ve struggled to accept and take at face value, but I do like them.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Kay: Strangely I’ve seen almost zero change in how folks approach me at work. If anything the younger employees and the queer employees are more inclined to seek me out when dealing with issues. It was a surprise when I realized that I was seen as a role model for other trans folk. Certainly, I was so caught up in my own transition issue I didn't realize that other queer folk, generally new to their positions, saw me as an internal advocate. Of course, that’s just another one of the many responsibilities that trans folk have to those that follow us. We seem like experts who have it all figured out to those just starting or early in their own journeys.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Kay: Be you. Don’t compromise who you are for the job. Also be reasonable, separate who you are socially from who you are at work.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Kay: Not at all, there isn’t much of a formal community. Of course, I have local LGBTQ friends but there isn’t really a community to plug into. The nearest gay bar is an hour drive away for instance.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Kay: If you think you are trans, reach out to a gender clinic or a therapist who is trans-supportive. Life is better with affirming healthcare. HRT was life-altering for me emotionally long before any physical changes happened. Working with your dr you can tailor your support to your specific needs. There is no right way to be trans. You set the timeline, you set the goals, you even get to change the goals as you progress on your journey. But unequivocally it gets better.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Kay: Absolutely agree! One major reason trans people scare the bejesus out of the religious right in America is because in transitioning to be ourselves authentically we’ve tapped into amazing power not beholden to their ministry and hatred. We are self-actualized and that makes life so much fun.
Monika: Kay, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Kay: Thank you, Monika, for the chance to share with you.
All the photos: courtesy of Kay.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
That’s a very thoughtful interview. I am proud to call Kay a friend.
ReplyDeleteThough we have not ever met in person (yet!), she’s just lovely.