Monika: Today I am going to talk to Philippa Ryder, an Irish civil servant, LGBTQ+ activist, author, and feminist. Over recent years, she has been a board member and chair of Transgender Equality Network Ireland (TENI) and part of the Steering Committee of Transgender Europe (TGEU). She was a founding committee member of Sporting Pride, Ireland’s LGBTQ+ sports organization. In 2019 she was one of the founders of Under the Rainbow where she is now Chief Operating Officer. She is also the chairwoman and director of Dublin Pride. Her memoir, My Name is Philippa, was published in 2020. Hello Philippa! Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Philippa: Thank you for the invitation, Monika. I’m delighted to take part.
Monika: You are a very busy lady. How do you manage to combine your professional work with activism?
Philippa: I retired from the Civil Service last year so that gave me more time to devote to activism which, in a few different fields, has always been part of my life. I seem to be drawn to committees unfortunately, I find it hard to say no when I see that something needs to be done.
Monika: You must be very proud of your activism. What is your greatest achievement in this regard?
Philippa: That’s a difficult question, there have been so many memorable occasions and events. I might consider that being elected Chair of Dublin Pride would be a highlight, a very visible post that has allowed me to really promote my trans identity and work with groups and organisations that I might not otherwise have had access to. But I’m also very proud of my work with the Marriage Equality movement in 2015 which successfully changed the Irish Constitution to include same-sex couples in the definition of marriage. We went door-to-door around the suburbs of Dublin for months, explaining and encouraging voters to support us. An amazing time.
Monika: Were you born in Dublin? How do you recall your childhood?
Philippa: Yes, I was born in Dublin, living in a middle-class area south of the city. I can’t say it was unhappy, I was born into a loving family. Yet from an early age I knew two things: that I was different to other boys and that I simply couldn’t discuss my feelings with anyone. Ireland in the 1970s, when I was a teenager, was strongly influenced by the Catholic Church and difference, diversity was simply not acceptable. There was no option but to try to fit in, no information available for anyone questioning their gender or their sexuality. So I threw myself into hobbies and activities to take my mind off my desire and need to be my true self. It worked for a short time but eventually the pressure to explore my gender identity became too strong and I began to experiment.
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| "I was born in Dublin, living in a middle-class area south of the city." |
Monika: Given my own experience as well as that of many girls and women that I interviewed, I wonder whether we should be called ‘runners’ instead of transwomen. We run, run, and run away from our feminine self until it catches up with us. The only difference is how long we can run away. Was it the same in your case?
Philippa: Yes, it was. I tried everything to deny my feminine self but simply found that no matter what I did I found myself exploring my identity more and more. This caused friction within any relationships I might have had, as I felt that surely no woman would be interested in someone like me, it was a very difficult and upsetting time. Luckily however I found one of the few women who could accept me and we have been married for 37 years!
Monika: What inspired you to publish your memoir? Which aspects of your story could be useful for other trans ladies?
Philippa: I definitely felt that I had a story to tell, and one that could help others. I had GRS in 2011 and after I recovered from the operation an old school friend and I went to dinner. He persuaded me to start putting words down and once I started I found I enjoyed it. It was cathartic, a way to comprehend and come to terms with what I had undergone. I had no structure in mind short of putting the story down chronologically and initially wrote 250,000 words. I was lucky to get an independent publisher to take the book but they were limited in the size of the book they could publish so we cut the manuscript down to 87,000 words. If the original manuscript was ever to be published I think I’d end up having to fight libel cases in court!
As for the aspects of the book that might help others I think there are some dark passages in it but it also shows that if you believe in yourself you can achieve your desire. I don’t hold back on certain aspects and regularly refer to arguments that my wife and I had over my transition, some of which could have led to divorce. One of the most difficult areas was my emerging bisexuality and the passages around that could help other trans women. But the overriding message in the book is that of love, which I was grateful to get from my wife, daughter, some family and friends. Not everyone supported or even attempted to understand what I was going through but my story shows that you might lose people on your journey but you will gain more, and more importantly you can be your true self. My book is available from Mercier Press and is 50% off for Pride month.
Monika: You grew up in a time when the word transgender hadn’t entered the vernacular. What was it like to be an Irish transwoman at that time?
Philippa: It really was like the dark ages in relation to anything LGBTQ+. There was simply nothing short of sensationalist stories in the media and I certainly didn’t want to feature in any of those as I was growing up. One of the interests I had as a teenager was science fiction and I used to go to meetings in a city centre pub in the late 1970s. Little did I know that on a different floor of that pub, on the same night, there were trans people socialising. If I had found out about those meetings my life could have been quite, quite different! But I had to survive by gleaning a little information from the newspapers and I tried to avoid talking or even thinking about my identity.
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| "I cycle a lot so my legs are attractive. :)" |
Philippa: I didn’t actually start transitioning until 2000 but from what I have heard the 1970s and 1980s had a small community of trans people, focused on the club scene or gay bars. Homosexuality was only decriminalised in Ireland in 1993 and so there was a lot of fear that the police could raid the clubs and bars. After decriminalisation society began to change but it was a long process. I found a club and some good friends in 2000 where I could be Philippa and that gave me the impetus to start my transition.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Philippa: There were two moments that almost define my transition. The first was when I had to tell my 11-year-old daughter, Jenny, who had mostly guessed the situation. I had been to a trans meeting when I got a call from my wife to say that I needed to come home and have ‘the discussion’ with Jenny. The trip home was very difficult and walking into the lounge to see the two sitting on the couch, looking worried, brought tears to my eyes. But we discussed the topic as a family, there were tears and hugs and Jenny said as she went to bed ‘You have to be true to yourself. I love you.’ When I think of the maturity and the acceptance of an 11-year-old I do wish that others could be so understanding.
The second event, a few weeks later, was when my mother challenged me about wearing make-up and how she wanted me to stop. So another conversation was had, in a typical Irish kitchen which is usually where most important discussions take place! She didn’t accept me at all, saying that if I had been dressing since the age of 8 then she would have known, a sentiment repeated by my sister who took a long time to even tolerate me. Both of those losses did hurt but for me it was the love and acceptance of my wife and daughter that really mattered.
I did lose others, the friendships changed but it was obvious who my true friends were and the LGBTQ+ community provided so many other friends and acquaintances. I don’t feel that anybody can transition with 100% success, bringing every family member and friend along on the journey, but I do consider that I was lucky in that regard.
Monika: Why did you choose Philippa for your name?
Philippa: I think it was late 1999 when I started to discover chat rooms on the internet and a whole world was opened to me. Up until that point I had been starved of information but when we got our first desktop computer and could go online I found others in the same situation as me. So my first time in a chat room required that I use a name and after chatting to my wife we picked the rather feminine name Philippa which is a modification of my third ‘dead name’ Phillip! It’s amusing to hear people pronounce it, usually making it quite exotic!
Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition?
Philippa: As I mentioned above they denied that I could have been trans as early as 8. They didn’t really accept me for years and didn’t tell the wider family. It was only when my aunts, uncles and cousins were visiting my mother in hospital before she died that I came out to them, receiving a pretty positive reaction.
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| "For me it was the love and acceptance of my wife and daughter that really mattered." |
Philippa: Yes. I started in 2005 and noticed changes very quickly in my skin, breasts and mood. Helen was happy too as the frustration I felt before I started hormone treatment would boil over into arguments. She was glad to be saved from them!
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Philippa: Originally passing was very important to me as I was very nervous going out in public and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I used to walk awkwardly, with my head down and of course that drew the attention I didn’t want. But as I went out more I discovered that just acting confidently causes people to accept me as a woman. I tend to be quite humorous and light in my interactions with people and this perhaps defuses any awkwardness.
So my advice would be to take small steps, be comfortable in who you are, and in time confidence will come to you and you will wonder what all the fuss was about. One very good piece of advice was given to me by a trans sister and that is to look at what other women are wearing and get similar outfits so you can more easily blend in. If you’re unsure about what to wear perhaps talk to a stylist as I did. They will give you advice as to colours and styles that will suit you, no matter your body shape!
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Philippa: I only saw drag queens on TV and I knew they were an act and that I couldn’t identify with them. I only began seeing trans women on the internet around 2000. But the defining moment in my journey of becoming myself was going to a dressing service/club in Dublin and meeting other trans people. Some became very close friends and indeed the very first night I went to the club I ended up going to a gay bar and then a restaurant as Philippa, not at all what I expected. But I loved the experience and vowed to continue.
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Philippa: Thankfully yes, two in particular that had been dressing for many years when I met them. One went for surgery but the other, unfortunately, couldn’t progress due to family and work commitments.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Philippa: The Gender Recognition Act in 2015 allows someone to transition by self-declaration and is a very progressive piece of legislation. Since then however there has been a lot of controversy and pushback from the far right saying that the legislation was rushed through (it wasn’t, it went through Parliament in the usual way with plenty of time for discussion and objections). So the mainstream media and social media picked up on this perhaps three years ago and have run very negative one-sided stories ever since, trying to whip up opposition to trans women (who they say are a danger to women and children).
In general though the negative voices are far outweighed by trans people, the wider LGBTQ+ community and our allies. On the streets there is usually no problem but there have been some instances of violence and discrimination. Hate Crime legislation is due to be introduced this year and it is badly needed, especially with regard to social media.
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| "So my advice would be to take small steps, be comfortable in who you are." |
Philippa: There is a huge waiting list and to get an initial appointment and hormones can take up to 7 years. The medical system is very conservative compared to other countries, causing frustration and mental health issues in. In my own case, starting hormones in 2005, I went for surgery in 2011. I could have gone sooner but wanted to get all my family, friends and work in line before I did.
Trans people have to go abroad for surgery as the facilities aren’t available in Ireland but the health service does pay for your treatment. There is only one gender clinic in Ireland, just outside Dublin though the national trans organisation TENI is trying to get more and better services. The situation is far worse though than when I transitioned, as I outlined above, and I really sympathise with anyone trying to navigate the system.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Philippa: I do like fashion but I don’t really follow trends. I wear a lot of white, black, blue and pink and if I’m going somewhere for an occasion I would almost always wear a dress. Considering my age I probably shouldn’t wear anything above the knee but I do sometimes! I cycle a lot so my legs are attractive. :)
Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Philippa: I do attempt to be feminine to a degree. When I started going out in public at the beginning of my transition I used to spend up to an hour and a half getting ready and was never happy with the results. Now, because I have the confidence and good make-up techniques it takes me far less time. I do look at cis-women and long for their figures at times (I’m on a diet at the moment!) but I rarely feel upset by my appearance. I think it’s important to realise that there are some people who are innately attractive, with the minimum of effort, and although I can aspire to be them I am realistic and settle with what I have.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Philippa: Well, yes! In the early stages of my transition I had a male friend online who was a true gentleman and who was endlessly complimentary. He gave me a lot of confidence, especially when I felt down because an outfit didn’t work. He is one of the reasons I’m here and (reasonably) successful!
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Philippa: I had been in my civil service job some 25 years before I started to transition. When an opportunity arose to go for a senior post I applied and was interviewed. I was quite confident and felt I had done a good interview but I didn’t get the post. The interview board treated me with respect though but perhaps they felt I had bigger things on my mind than the job!
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| Available via Mercier Press. |
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Philippa: I feel it’s a little of both. After I transitioned I did notice some of my male colleagues were almost afraid to talk to me in case they made a mistake with name or pronouns. A few mistakes did occur but, possibly with the exception of one or two, I was fully accepted, especially by management.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Philippa: Be true to yourself and go into interviews with confidence. Learn from the process and be determined to do better next time. Before you apply for a job look at the company – do they celebrate Pride, make donations to LGBTQ+ groups, do they have policies in place around LGBTQ+ issues, specifically trans? And be aware of your rights and watch for discrimination in the interview process.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Philippa: It is a very important part of my life and, especially since we retired last year, being with my wife almost 24/7 has been a joy. Rates of divorce in the trans community are extremely high and I feel very fortunate to have support, understanding and love. The bond between my daughter and I could not be stronger and I feel love every time we’re together (unfortunately she works in Los Angeles so we only get Zoom calls and visit her twice a year).
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Philippa: Everybody is different and transition looks differently depending on your family and job situation. So don’t follow anyone else’s timeline, do it at your own pace. Not everyone wants or needs to transition fully. But don’t be afraid, take small steps and when you feel comfortable take another step until you reach your destination, whatever that is.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Philippa: I absolutely do! I was so looking forward to surgery and when one of my doctors asked me why I wanted to transition I simply said I saw it as the final piece in my journey and I couldn’t wait for the future. That went down well with the doctor!
Monika: Philippa, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Philippa: Thank you very much Monika for the invitation and the excellent questions!
All the photos: courtesy of Philippa Ryder.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
I have just read Philipa’s wonderful book. I have read many biographies written by trans women. Although I may be biased because I am also Irish, it is I think, the most honest and moving account of what it is like to transition. Philipa is a truly inspirational woman!
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