Monika: You once had a career in politics. Do you still engage in political or lobbying work today, and in your view, can transgender women make a real difference in shaping politics?
Hannah: I left political activism behind me. “He” was a city councilor for 10 years, and that was enough for two lives. I take part in developing a program promoting diversity and LGBTIQ acceptance in my state, though. Which taught me that even there, making trans voices heard and accepted is never guaranteed. But I take part in online campaigns. My main focus is local grassroots activism, giving lectures at universities, schools, or church parishes.
Monika: How about locally, are you involved in your town’s LGBTQ community?
Hannah: We still don’t have a trans support group in my town of almost 100,000 inhabitants, but we are now in the process of starting one, and the first meeting was promising so far. However, of the probably 600 trans people who should live here, I only know a few handfuls.
Monika: Within the broader LGBTQ movement, do you feel transgender people are able to fully promote their own causes, or do their voices sometimes get overshadowed?
Hannah: I can only speak from my experience. I frequented a support group in a town about 80 miles from where I live, and there, lesbians, gays, and trans people got along with each other very well. We have our meetings that are trans-only for an hour or so but are open to anyone after.
On the other hand, I noticed that, especially in activism, when folks who almost professionally come into play, G and L tend to be less sensitive to trans issues. Another reason I don’t like to take part in any activism beyond the local level. I simply am not able to spread my elbows, you know.
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| At her college in a class of English. |
Monika: Let’s switch to something lighter, fashion! Do you enjoy it, and what styles or outfits do you usually go for?
Hannah: Oh, fashion. Yes, yes, yes. I have two-and-a-half cupboards full of feminine attire. I like dresses, even in winter, because I like them, because I can, because they give me a feminine silhouette, and because you simply look elegant in a good dress. That is why I always try to combine great feminine outfits with good quality. I dress a little younger than my age, but not 15, rather 30+. Elegant dresses or a sporty chic: skinny trousers with cute tops, jumpers, or blouses. Shoes are a problem, size 44 (European size), which translates into size 11.5 in the States. I like boots, especially ankle boots. I had ballet classes as a youth, so walking in heels up to 4” isn’t a problem, though I limit them to a max of 3”.
Monika: Some countries host transgender beauty pageants. What’s your take on them?
Hannah: There aren’t any in Germany and, well, I am divided. On one hand, such pageants cater to the expectation that trans women must meet cisgender beauty standards (or better, surpass them and be ultra-feminine), which is narrowing, objectifying, and disrespectful of the many other walks of trans women’s lives and participants as well. On the other hand, after all the many efforts I have taken and still am taking, I wouldn’t say no if I were invited.
Monika: How has love shaped your journey and your life as a whole?
Hannah: It was love that saved me. My brother and I did not really experience love at home. My father was an alcoholic and abused me. My mother was rather cold. So, after a failed suicide attempt as a young university student, I begged the Lord to save me and that love should “heal” me.
Monika: You mentioned being saved by love. Could you share how that love entered your life?
Hannah: My request was granted in the form of a beautiful woman who chose me. She taught me what love means. She is my first and only love. Had she not chosen me, I would certainly have put an end to my miserable earthly life. She couldn’t “cure” me, but in this case, the Lord was wise enough not to grant that part of my request. Now that I live authentically, not a single day goes by without me being grateful for her being my partner and my love. And my children, I love them, of course.
Monika: Many transgender women choose to write memoirs about their journeys. Have you ever considered writing one yourself?
Hannah: As I mentioned before, there are only a few memoirs in German. So I would lie if I said I haven’t thought about a memoir. But, time. My job, sports, and, first of all, spending time with my wife. However, I may start writing a book one day.
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| Winter walking with her wife in Davos, Switzerland. (Feb 2017) |
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who are afraid of transition, discrimination, and hatred?
Hannah: To think hard and decide whether you will slowly die in the closet or go out into the world and live authentically. If you prepare well, your chances are good. Add the fact that open discrimination or even violence is much less rampant in Germany, I would like any trans person who has reached this “critical threshold” to ask themselves this very question.
Monika: What goals or plans do you have for the near future, and where do you see yourself in the next 5 to 7 years?
Hannah: Well, being my true self and living true to it has become natural to me. 24/7, and it is my normal. Not new normal, just normal. So I think I will be a boringly normal woman in her early 60s whose only strange aspect is that she jumps out of perfectly good airplanes. I will still have to live with the fact that I will keep being outed by colleagues and students to new colleagues and students, but this shall be the only place where I will be seen as a trans woman. Anywhere else, just a tall woman people hopefully take for early 50ish.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame once told me that we should never limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. She said our dreams should not end on an operating table, but begin there. Do you agree with her?
Hannah: Oh, this is so true. I am so annoyed when I read comments by cis or even trans women that they finally, through the scalpel, have reached womanhood. You simply don’t “become” a woman on the operating table. The journey starts with this moment of epiphany in yourself, way ahead of the operating theatre, and it never ends. There are waymarks, of course, but there is so much I am still dreaming of. And I don’t postpone this “for later.” I have left behind what has restrained me and now I am free to explore what this life holds for me.
Monika: Hannah, it has been a true pleasure speaking with you. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Hannah: You are very welcome, and thank you. Answering your questions gave me the opportunity to reflect upon my past, present, and future life. I wish you all the best, and please keep working on your website that holds so many interviews I still need to read.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Hannah Abigail.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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