Monika: Transgender beauty pageants tend to spark strong opinions, admiration from some and criticism from others. How do you personally feel about them, especially in a culture so focused on youth and appearance?
Antonia: We live in a society that is deeply obsessed with youth and beauty, so if this is something people want to compete in, by all means, they should. I don’t really see a need for trans-specific pageants, as I think people should compete alongside everyone else if that’s what they want to do. Personally, I don’t think I would ever sign up for one of these pageants, but to each their own. What matters most to me is that people are free to choose what feels empowering to them.
Monika: Love often carries both beauty and vulnerability. What role does love play in your life, and how has your understanding of it evolved over time?
Antonia: Love is the most beautiful thing in the world, but it can also cause more sadness than anything else. I’ve only been in love once in my life, but I think love is one of those things that the harder people look for it, and the more they fall in love with the idea of being in love, the less likely they are to find it. I hope to love again in my life, but for now I’ll just keep doing my own thing, because I believe that when you enjoy your life and have fun, you naturally increase the chances of meeting someone you truly connect with. Learning to be content on my own has been an important part of that realization.
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| Xpressions Christmas Gala with my friends Luna Maria (right) & Arden (left). |
Monika: Many transgender women choose to document their journeys through memoirs, both as personal reflection and as guidance for others. Is that something you have ever seriously considered for yourself?
Antonia: I’ve thought about it briefly, and my family has encouraged me, but I sometimes feel that so many people have already told their stories that mine might seem redundant. Perhaps one day I will write something, and if I do, my friends and I have already come up with a title: “The Journey from Mars to Venus”. I suppose it would be less about novelty and more about honesty.
Monika: You strike me as someone who is always building, learning, or experimenting. What projects are currently keeping your mind and hands busy?
Antonia: Tons of things, as usual, but nothing trans-specific at the moment. I keep working on my open-source designs for ergonomic keyboards and the software that supports them. I also designed a new keyboard layout that allows me to type in any language with a Latin-based character set, because I got fed up with constantly switching layouts when writing in multiple languages. Beyond that, it’s mostly open-source software, the kind of work that quietly gets incorporated into everyday tools people use without ever noticing. I dabble in a bit of everything, but most of my current projects can be found on my GitHub account. One day I’ll get back to my boat, but for now the most important project is myself, being happy and truly enjoying life. Learning when to slow down has become just as important as creating something new.
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| What happens when you get the idea to build a sailboat and sail around the world, you build one and the tools to make it. |
Monika: Many transgender girls struggle quietly with gender dysphoria and uncertainty about their future. From your own experience, what would you most want them to hear right now?
Antonia: I think the most important thing is to accept yourself. Once you have explored your real feelings and emotions and moved past the masks and lies we often tell ourselves, you can begin to ask what you truly want. Once you know what you want, you can decide how to get there or whether the cost feels too high. There is no silver bullet, we are all different, and gender is not black and white, from my perspective it is mostly grey. For some of us the path is transitioning, for others it is GRS, while some choose to live in their assigned gender, and others identify as non-binary or experience a fluctuating gender. Find your own path to happiness. Being gentle with yourself along the way can make all the difference.
Monika: Antonia, thank you so much for sharing your story, your insights, and your time with us.
Antonia: Thank you for having me, it truly means a lot to be part of this conversation.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Antonia Stevens.
© 2015 - Monika Kowalska
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