Monika: Many transgender women face the harsh pressure of “passing” as cisgender women. As a beautiful woman yourself, what advice would you give to those who fear they might not “pass” as women in society?
Donna: I hate to be harsh, but I’m a firm believer that transition is the last thing people need to try, not the first. It’s incredibly difficult, and the reality of life after transition is often far different from the fantasy world we hope for.
Transition, and often beyond, is very difficult if you’re obsessed with who might know about your history. You’ve got to grow some thick skin before you can move forward.
Monika: How did you personally deal with the social challenges related to “passing,” like stares or judgments?
Donna: I could say some flowery things like, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” or “it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks,” but those things are of little comfort when confronted by someone challenging your gender. It took me quite a while to get past the stares and the snickers, but it was something I needed to do to be me.
So, when it comes to advice, I think the best thing I could say is that a key element in all of this is time. It’s easy to dwell on the difficulty of the moment, but time helps overcome discomfort. Be creative in finding support, be open to thinking about things in new ways, but most of all, be patient.
Remember, your worth is not defined by others’ perceptions, and confidence grows gradually with self-acceptance. Surround yourself with people who see you for who you truly are, and that support will make all the difference.
Monika: Have you ever been married? How has love shaped your life, especially during your transition?
Donna: At the time I came out in the late ’90s, I had been married to a woman I loved totally and completely for almost 20 years. We had built a wonderful life together, a home, a family, a shared vision of the future, and a bond stronger than death. I would have done anything to protect her from being hurt, and that effort kept me bottled up for a long time.
Monika: How did your family life change after coming out, especially your relationship with your son?
Donna: The most important role in my life at the time was as a “dad” to my son. He was 14 when I came out, so there was a real risk I’d lose him. He totally retreated away from me for almost a year afterwards, but I’m thrilled to say that our relationship is stronger and more fulfilling today than ever. It took patience and a lot of honest communication to rebuild that trust and connection. Family can be a source of incredible strength, even through difficult times.
As for the importance of love, that’s a complicated subject. I love to love. I love to be loved. I’m fortunate to have some very important people in my life that I love and who love me back. But at the center of it all is an element of self-love. Without that, well, nothing good can happen. Learning to love and accept myself fully was the foundation that allowed me to build healthy relationships afterward. It’s a lifelong journey, but one that’s absolutely worth taking.
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| In South Carolina. |
Monika: What motivated you to write your autobiography, Wrapped In Blue: A Journey of Discovery (2003), and what did you hope to achieve with it?
Donna: When I started writing, I never intended for it to become a book or anything I’d ever show to anyone else, for that matter. My transition was done, my marriage was done, I had moved away to start a new life in a brand-new city where nobody knew about my past, and it seemed to be everything I had asked for. But I gradually realized that something was missing. I needed closure. So, I started to collect various parts of my diaries and letters I had written to try to make sense of things.
As I did this, I realized that I was creating exactly the kind of thing I would have loved to have had in my own life, but there was nothing like it. Writing the book became a way to process my experience and to give voice to parts of my journey that often go unheard. I hoped that by sharing my story, others could find comfort and courage in their own paths.
Monika: Are you planning to publish a second volume of your memoir to continue sharing your journey?
Donna: I’d like to, but realistically, I don’t know. The missing element at the moment isn’t motivation, it’s time. It took me over two years to put everything together for Wrapped In Blue. I’ve got a very busy and full life, so making the commitment that it would take to do that would be difficult.
My main outlets for my ongoing story these days are my website and my blog. They don’t take nearly as much time or energy to maintain and share. Whether another book is forthcoming is something I’d like to do, but we’ll see... I want to ensure that if I do write it, it’s thoughtful and authentic rather than rushed. For now, I’m focused on living my life and connecting with others in real time.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who feel afraid of transitioning due to fear of discrimination and hatred?
Donna: I go back to that quotation about fear. The day any of us gives in to what others would have us be rather than who we dare to be is the day we surrender. My dad used to say, “For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, none will suffice.” The peace that comes with daring to rebirth yourself is partly a by-product of the difficulty of the journey. Those things you mention are real. They exist, and there’s no getting around that. Be smart. Be aware. Be careful. But don’t be afraid. It’s important to find supportive communities and allies who can help you navigate the challenges. Remember, your courage not only transforms your own life but also helps pave the way for others.
Monika: Would you say that you are a happy woman now?
Donna: Yes. I am very content. My family is closer than we’ve ever been before. I wake up in the morning next to someone I very much love. I’ve got more dear friends than I ever imagined. My career is still going strong. There are more things I want to do in a day than hours to do them in. And I am very much at peace. As far as I’m concerned. that’s what this journey was all about. Finding peace. Happiness is not a destination but a continuous process of growth and acceptance. Every day brings new challenges, but also new opportunities to embrace life fully.
Monika: Donna, thank you for the interview!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Donna Rose.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
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