Monika: Many transgender women face the harsh pressure of “passing” as cisgender women. As a beautiful woman yourself, what advice would you give to those who fear they might not “pass” as women in society?
Donna: I hate to be harsh, but I’m a firm believer that transition is the last thing people need to try, not the first. It’s incredibly difficult, and the reality of life after transition is often far different from the fantasy world we hope for.
Transition, and often beyond, is very difficult if you’re obsessed with who might know about your history. You’ve got to grow some thick skin before you can move forward.
Monika: How did you personally deal with the social challenges related to “passing,” like stares or judgments?
Donna: I could say some flowery things like, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” or “it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks,” but those things are of little comfort when confronted by someone challenging your gender. It took me quite a while to get past the stares and the snickers, but it was something I needed to do to be me.
So, when it comes to advice, I think the best thing I could say is that a key element in all of this is time. It’s easy to dwell on the difficulty of the moment, but time helps overcome discomfort. Be creative in finding support, be open to thinking about things in new ways, but most of all, be patient.
Remember, your worth is not defined by others’ perceptions, and confidence grows gradually with self-acceptance. Surround yourself with people who see you for who you truly are, and that support will make all the difference.
Monika: Have you ever been married? How has love shaped your life, especially during your transition?
Donna: At the time I came out in the late ’90s, I had been married to a woman I loved totally and completely for almost 20 years. We had built a wonderful life together, a home, a family, a shared vision of the future, and a bond stronger than death. I would have done anything to protect her from being hurt, and that effort kept me bottled up for a long time.
Monika: How did your family life change after coming out, especially your relationship with your son?
Donna: The most important role in my life at the time was as a “dad” to my son. He was 14 when I came out, so there was a real risk I’d lose him. He totally retreated away from me for almost a year afterwards, but I’m thrilled to say that our relationship is stronger and more fulfilling today than ever. It took patience and a lot of honest communication to rebuild that trust and connection. Family can be a source of incredible strength, even through difficult times.
As for the importance of love, that’s a complicated subject. I love to love. I love to be loved. I’m fortunate to have some very important people in my life that I love and who love me back. But at the center of it all is an element of self-love. Without that, well, nothing good can happen. Learning to love and accept myself fully was the foundation that allowed me to build healthy relationships afterward. It’s a lifelong journey, but one that’s absolutely worth taking.
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| In South Carolina. |
Monika: What motivated you to write your autobiography, Wrapped In Blue: A Journey of Discovery (2003), and what did you hope to achieve with it?
Donna: When I started writing, I never intended for it to become a book or anything I’d ever show to anyone else, for that matter. My transition was done, my marriage was done, I had moved away to start a new life in a brand-new city where nobody knew about my past, and it seemed to be everything I had asked for. But I gradually realized that something was missing. I needed closure. So, I started to collect various parts of my diaries and letters I had written to try to make sense of things.
As I did this, I realized that I was creating exactly the kind of thing I would have loved to have had in my own life, but there was nothing like it. Writing the book became a way to process my experience and to give voice to parts of my journey that often go unheard. I hoped that by sharing my story, others could find comfort and courage in their own paths.
Monika: Are you planning to publish a second volume of your memoir to continue sharing your journey?
Donna: I’d like to, but realistically, I don’t know. The missing element at the moment isn’t motivation, it’s time. It took me over two years to put everything together for Wrapped In Blue. I’ve got a very busy and full life, so making the commitment that it would take to do that would be difficult.
My main outlets for my ongoing story these days are my website and my blog. They don’t take nearly as much time or energy to maintain and share. Whether another book is forthcoming is something I’d like to do, but we’ll see... I want to ensure that if I do write it, it’s thoughtful and authentic rather than rushed. For now, I’m focused on living my life and connecting with others in real time.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who feel afraid of transitioning due to fear of discrimination and hatred?
Donna: I go back to that quotation about fear. The day any of us gives in to what others would have us be rather than who we dare to be is the day we surrender. My dad used to say, “For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, none will suffice.” The peace that comes with daring to rebirth yourself is partly a by-product of the difficulty of the journey. Those things you mention are real. They exist, and there’s no getting around that. Be smart. Be aware. Be careful. But don’t be afraid. It’s important to find supportive communities and allies who can help you navigate the challenges. Remember, your courage not only transforms your own life but also helps pave the way for others.
Monika: Would you say that you are a happy woman now?
Donna: Yes. I am very content. My family is closer than we’ve ever been before. I wake up in the morning next to someone I very much love. I’ve got more dear friends than I ever imagined. My career is still going strong. There are more things I want to do in a day than hours to do them in. And I am very much at peace. As far as I’m concerned. that’s what this journey was all about. Finding peace. Happiness is not a destination but a continuous process of growth and acceptance. Every day brings new challenges, but also new opportunities to embrace life fully.
Monika: Donna, thank you for the interview!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Donna Rose.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
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Published in 2003 by Living Legacy Press, Donna Rose’s Wrapped in Blue: A Journey of Discovery is a personal
memoir about gender, identity, marriage, family, fear and self-discovery. Rose recounts the experience of living
for decades with a gender identity she could not fully express and the difficult decision to confront it. The book
was selected as a featured selection of the 2003 Texas Book Festival and became one of the notable early memoirs
by a transgender woman.
What makes Rose’s story especially compelling is that her transition takes place within an already established
adult life. By the time she came out in the late 1990s, she had been married to a woman she loved for almost
twenty years, had a teenage son, built a career and created a family life. Transition therefore meant much more
than changing how she presented herself. It meant confronting the possibility of losing relationships that
mattered deeply to her.
That conflict shapes much of Wrapped in Blue. Rose had spent years trying to reconcile the person others expected
her to be with the person she understood herself to be. Her account includes love, guilt, fear, excitement, loss
and uncertainty, without reducing the experience to a simple story of liberation. Before transitioning, Rose was a highly accomplished athlete with a background in college wrestling and had
established a successful professional life. Living for decades as a man before transitioning gave her an unusual
perspective on the expectations attached to masculinity and femininity. Rather than treating transition simply
as a movement from one gender category to another, Rose examines what she learned about gender itself. She
considers the different expectations placed on men and women and the extent to which those expectations are
socially constructed. The memoir consequently becomes an examination of more than her own identity. It explores the assumptions
surrounding masculinity, femininity, relationships and the roles people are expected to occupy. The terminology
surrounding transgender identity has changed considerably since 2003, and some of the language in the book
reflects its period. The central questions, however, remain recognizable. Who am I? How much of my life have I
lived for other people? What happens when telling the truth threatens everything I have built? Can I become
happier without hurting the people I love? These questions give the memoir relevance beyond the specifics of
Rose’s experience.
Rose’s decision to transition had significant personal consequences. Her marriage was nearly twenty years old,
and her wife was someone with whom she had shared a substantial part of her life. Rose has described her fear of
hurting her wife as one reason she kept her feelings hidden for so long. Her son was fourteen when she came out. He withdrew from her for nearly a year before their relationship
gradually began to heal. Rose later described their relationship as stronger and more fulfilling. This part of
the story prevents the memoir from becoming a straightforward narrative of personal liberation. Authenticity
brought possibilities, but it also brought uncertainty and loss. Rose had to make decisions knowing that she
could not control how the people closest to her would respond. The emotional complexity of those relationships is among the most affecting elements of the book. Transition
involved not only discovering something about herself but also confronting the consequences that discovery
could have for the people she loved. Rose did not initially plan to publish a memoir. After her transition and the end of her marriage, she moved to
a new city where people did not know her history. She had the opportunity to begin again and live without
continually explaining her past. Yet starting over did not resolve everything she was carrying. Rose began gathering diaries and letters from the
period surrounding her transition, initially as a way of understanding and documenting what had happened. Those
private writings eventually became the foundation for Wrapped in Blue.
The transformation of those personal records into a published memoir is significant. Rose had spent years
keeping an important part of herself hidden, only to turn those private experiences into a book that would be
read by strangers. At the time, there were far fewer first-person accounts of transgender women’s experiences
readily available. The internet was still developing, social media did not yet exist in its present form, and
someone questioning their gender could have difficulty finding a story that resembled their own. Wrapped in Blue
helped provide that perspective. One of the memoir’s strengths is Rose’s willingness to acknowledge mistakes and difficult decisions. She does not
present herself simply as a victim or a triumphant heroine. That honesty gives the narrative credibility.
Transition involves other people, and Rose’s story recognizes that her decisions affected her family as well as
herself. Readers have responded to this openness. Some have described returning to the book at different stages of their
own transitions and finding new meaning in it. That is perhaps one of the memoir’s most lasting qualities: it
does not prescribe a single way of being transgender. Rose’s experience is hers, while its value for readers lies
partly in showing that uncertainty, fear and self-questioning are not signs that someone is alone. Wrapped in Blue is also concerned with what happens after the initial decision to transition. Physical changes are
only one part of the process. Rose writes and speaks about relationships, social expectations, being judged by
strangers and the pressure to be perceived as convincingly female.
Her observations about “passing” are particularly relevant. She acknowledges that being stared at or judged can
be painful, while also recognizing that self-confidence does not appear overnight. Her approach emphasizes
patience, support and gradually developing a stronger sense of self. Transition can change someone’s body and
social circumstances, but it cannot instantly remove years of insecurity or fear. Those feelings may require a
much longer process of adjustment. The title Wrapped in Blue evokes the expectations imposed on children before they are capable of understanding
them. Blue has traditionally been associated with boys and pink with girls. From the beginning of life, people
are often surrounded by assumptions about how they should look, behave and eventually identify. Rose’s story challenges what happens when those expectations do not correspond with the person underneath them.
The idea of being “wrapped” suggests layers: family expectations, social roles, fear and the identity Rose had
constructed in order to function in the world. Her transition involved gradually confronting those layers and
determining which belonged to her and which had been imposed upon her. Rose did not initially set out to become an activist or public figure. She wanted to transition and move forward
with her life. Publishing her memoir, however, brought a new level of visibility. She eventually became a
nationally recognized speaker and advocate and later became the first openly transgender person to serve on the
Human Rights Campaign’s board of directors.
There is an interesting contradiction in that trajectory. Rose had moved to a new city hoping to live without her
history defining her. By writing a book about that history, she made it available to a much larger audience. That
decision allowed her experience to become a resource for others. Janae Marie Kroc, for example, has spoken about reading Wrapped in Blue while looking for transgender stories of
people with athletic backgrounds. Rose’s experience as a wrestler gave Kroc a point of connection that was
difficult to find elsewhere. The memoir therefore became more than a record of one person’s life. It became part
of the limited body of first-person transgender literature available to readers at the beginning of the
twenty-first century. More than two decades after publication, Wrapped in Blue provides a snapshot of a period when transgender voices
were considerably less visible in mainstream publishing. Today, readers have access to a much wider range of
transgender memoirs, personal accounts, online communities and other resources. In 2003, those options were far
more limited. Rose’s memoir is therefore historically significant, but its value is not confined to its place in transgender
history. Its most enduring subject is the relationship between identity and the life we construct around it.
When I interviewed Donna for The Heroines of My Life, she described transition in terms of quality of life and
inner peace rather than simply physical changes. She spoke of being content with her life, her relationships, her
family and her career. That perspective provides a useful way of reading Wrapped in Blue. The book is less about reaching a particular
physical destination than about confronting the gap between an outward life and an inner identity, and then
deciding what to do about that gap. Rose’s story is ultimately about the difficult choices involved in living more honestly. It recognizes that those
choices can affect marriages, children, friendships and careers, while also showing what can become possible when
a person no longer has to divide herself between who she is and who she is expected to be.
2 April 2019
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