Monika: In your book, you talk about emotional and personality self-diagnosis. What did your own path to self-recognition look like?
Emilia: It started back in the early years of elementary school. Sneaking clothes, having my own hiding places for feminine treasures. But in the 80s and 90s, I didn’t expect any transition, it was a myth to me, like flying cars, something that might exist one day in the distant future for wealthy people. So I lived in denial of myself. Only in 2013 did the need for something more begin to appear. But even then, it was more of a weekend escape than a life plan. I felt like myself, but only on the inside. It took me many years to allow myself to put my authentic self first.
Monika: Many transgender women have very different experiences with hormone therapy. Looking back at your journey, how do you evaluate the physical and emotional effects of hormones?
Emilia: Hormone therapy works. At least for me, it did. I got surprisingly shapely, large breasts without surgery, my skin improved, my hair got better, and strangely enough, I still have it! What I didn’t get, though, and what I was hoping for, were more feminine curves: hips, a smaller waist. That part brought no big changes. Emotionally, during the first six months, I cried as if I were in the middle of menopause, although that was also tied to my divorce. Now it’s great, very positive. The only pity is that HRT for trans women does nothing for the voice.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life and thought: “That’s me”?
Emilia: The very first time was, brace yourself, the movie Seksmisja! (It is a 1984 Polish comedy science fiction action film.) The male characters were suffering, and I… was daydreaming. As for more realistic examples, Eurovision singer Dana International and the TV program There’s Something About Miriam. I wanted to be like them, but for me, it all felt like wishful thinking.
Monika: Did you have any trans role models or inspiring people who helped you during your transition?
Emilia: The first trans women I corresponded with online back in the modem days were Edyta Baker and Anna Grodzka. We supported each other, but at that time, I wasn’t yet at the stage of transitioning, while they were. During my own transition, I had support from the author of Blog Ka, whom I’ve known for many years. I wasn’t really inspired by trans people. I wanted more to look like a few selected alternative models, you know, full of tattoos, with fiery hair. That phase passed, and now I prefer to look more like a shamaness.
Monika: You write that “to become a woman in Poland, you have to be Wonder Woman.” Do you think that’s changing?
Emilia: It’s definitely easier now, despite the hate and political attacks. Psychology has advanced, as has medicine and the accessibility of treatments. Today, within a 100 km radius, you can find clinical help, get laser hair removal, order an e-prescription for continued therapy, read many books, or watch countless YouTube channels and listen to podcasts. Some procedures are getting cheaper, others more expensive, but the most important thing is that there’s no longer that feeling of isolation or the impression that we’re the only ones in the whole country. I think nowadays, a “meet-up” could easily be organized at the National Stadium.
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| "We pay too much attention to how we look and too little to how we behave, think, move, and speak." |
Monika: When I visit my sister in Poland, who lives in a big city, I feel accepted. Her daughters love me as their favorite aunt, and at social gatherings I spark warm curiosity. But when I travel to smaller towns, I’m perceived completely differently. How can this be explained?
Emilia: It’s about being accustomed to diversity and having greater exposure to the outside world. Living in Wrocław or Warsaw, you encounter thousands of people every day on the streets, in shops, in cafés, plus hundreds of foreigners in every corner of the city. A simple walk through the market square shows it. A convertible in a village will draw stares, but in the capital nobody even turns their head. I think in five years the situation will look completely different, TV shows with an LGBTQ touch and TikTok will do their job, you’ll see.
Monika: Did you ever have a moment when you felt: “I’m already on the other side, my transition is complete”?
Emilia: I don’t think so. I tried to describe this in my book and created visualizations with charts. The feeling builds over time, like a gradient, but it can also dip and slide back. Some days you smile at the mirror thinking, “This is great,” and other days you think, “God, why did I even do this? Nothing has changed, I look like some farm boy pulled off a plow.” I’m oversimplifying now, because in truth it’s a very scientific chapter that, immodestly speaking, fascinates psychologists who study my book. Its purpose is to show that binary thinking can lead to detransition or depression. We must understand that it’s a process, like a child’s growth, you don’t notice it when you see them every day, but you do when comparing photos from two years ago. Sometimes you just need to let “time” do its work and not stress over temporary bad days.
Monika: Many of us feel pressure to “look” like women and be perceived as women by others. Even after surgeries and hormone therapy, society keeps judging us. How do you cope with the expectations and external pressure around how a trans woman should look and be perceived?
Emilia: We pay too much attention to how we look and too little to how we behave, think, move, and speak. There’s an old fairy tale about a princess who was afraid her crown would fall off. One day she set it aside and went to work in the fields. Then the wind and birds wove her a crown from her hair, and she looked stunning. Appearance isn’t a great achievement. Look at drag queens or cosplayers, from a bearded guy you can make Marilyn Monroe with layers of foundation and liters of makeup. But that’s not really the point, is it?
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| "Sometimes living apart is better than living in the shadow of constant quarrels at home." |
Monika: Did you have the chance to meet hijras in India? In their case, is the lack of feminizing procedures or hormone therapy a choice, or rather a trap they’ve fallen into due to insufficient funds?
Emilia: Yes, I met three such people, but I didn’t have the time or space to build a longer relationship. I recommend Martyna Wojciechowska’s program Woman at the Edge of the World, which portrayed these girls and their lives absolutely flawlessly.
Monika: What does everyday life in India look like in this context?
Emilia: India is a country of contrasts, and also of dualism when it comes to finances. There are beautiful luxury apartments, yachts, and million-dollar cars, and right next to them slums and people sleeping on the sidewalk. With hijras, it’s similar. Everything depends on how old they are, which region of the country they’re from, and what financial resources they have. Unfortunately, most live very modestly, with very little money, and of course, an enormous problem finding well-paid work.
Monika: What do they usually do in their daily lives?
Emilia: Their occupation often consists of begging near temples, blessing people, or celebrating the birth of children with blessings. Sadly, many of them were physically mutilated, abused, or even castrated in childhood in what you could call, delicately, a non-surgical way. I dare to assume that many of them were deprived of their genitals, but that has nothing to do with SRS surgery, which so many transgender women dream of.
Monika: And what about hormones?
Emilia: Looking back 15 years, I wouldn’t expect HRT to be common among hijras, but younger people today may be reaching for it more often. The two girls I met were clearly not on HRT, but the third one I met at the airport was absolutely stunning, basically indistinguishable from cis if not for my tall height and small Adam’s apple. I think only we knew about each other, speaking in the language of the soul, while the rest of the plane’s passengers had no idea they were flying with two trans women from opposite sides of the planet.
Monika: Was the woman you met at the airport also a hijra?
Emilia: I wouldn’t call her a hijra. She was a beautiful woman, dressed in a stylish and lovely oriental salwar kameez, with white leggings and a turquoise dupatta (scarf).
Monika: How exactly are hijras perceived in India?
Emilia: Hijras are somewhat treated as the so-called third gender, with an emphasis on femininity, but above all with a religious connotation. It’s a bit like the Brahmin class, hijras can give blessings or even cast curses. Sometimes they are treated like demi-god-like beings, and at other times, well, like here, beaten, bullied, and chased away.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I bought literally by the kilo back then. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same?
Emilia: A little bit, yes. My wife used to laugh that I had the style and needs of a teenager. I wanted to make up for everything, my closet was bursting with things waiting for their big occasion, and some of them still haven’t had it. Now I’ve slimmed down my wardrobe a little, because my body measurements have changed.
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| "My wife used to laugh that I had the style and needs of a teenager." |
Emilia: From men in person, rarely. I don’t really have those kinds of interactions, unless it’s some guys trying to flirt on social media, but I’m not interested in that. I enjoy compliments the most from my friends in the yoga circle, especially when I manage to surprise them with a new sari or hairstyle.
Monika: How do people who are only beginning to consider transition react to your book? What do they usually write or say to you?
Emilia: I was afraid of hate, of negative opinions from so-called activists, the old-timers, because I no longer follow the current trends, language nuances, or neologisms. But I’ve received wonderful feedback, and I’m happy that I can pass on years of my mistakes and experiences to protect someone else from stepping into a world of problems. Sometimes it’s worth looking into an instruction manual or a guide, maps aren’t so bad after all. What makes me really happy is also the positive reception among psychologists, which has led to my book being recommended to their clients.
Monika: You mention that your book is also meant for doctors and psychologists. Have you already seen any reactions from them?
Emilia: I’ve heard that in two clinics, my book is displayed in a cabinet as a recommended title.
Monika: Do you think Polish psychological education is ready to work with trans people?
Emilia: Whoever felt the need has already sought out the knowledge. There is growth, there is progress. But I know there are still specialists who simply want to broaden their offer but don’t have the right intuition in this area. I don’t think every psychologist should be involved in diagnosis. Just as I don’t teach every computer program, just as a cardiologist doesn’t set broken bones, a business-coaching psychologist shouldn’t necessarily take on other subjects. We don’t need to profit from absolutely every client. Let’s be specialists in the fields where we’ve truly “earned our doctorate.”
Monika: You have a passion for photography, film, and mysticism. How do these elements influence your vision of femininity and identity?
Emilia: I’m an aesthete, which sometimes makes me set the bar too high when it comes to ideals. I’d love to create interesting content on social media, but I still feel insecure about my appearance. I probably carry a false belief that if I were cis, with my knowledge and charisma I would’ve built a big career, but instead I’m afraid to step out from under the rock. But I’m not giving up, I’m slowly trying to set sail into wider waters.
Monika: You’ve described the loss of family and friends. Did you ever have a moment of forgiveness, for them, for yourself, for the world?
Emilia: I have nothing against the world. As for myself… hmm, I see it as an obviously inborn condition, so it’s hard to blame yourself for what you’re born with, unless we start looking for karmic reasons. As for friends, well, I guess I didn’t have very loyal ones, so it’s not worth grieving. What matters most to me are my children, and I try to be the best version of myself for them, the best parent they could have. I regret the divorce, because I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken family, but that’s a problem thousands, even millions of children face, regardless of anyone’s transition.
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| "I moved to the countryside outside Wrocław, where we often felt lonely and isolated." |
Sometimes living apart is better than living in the shadow of constant quarrels at home. Another truth is that when it comes to friends or acquaintances, sometimes they need to leave in order to make space for someone new. That’s exactly what happened, because in their place came incredibly interesting and valuable people, whose acquaintance I consider a great honor. Writers, artists, musicians, mystics, Brahmins, travelers, wonderful, inspiring individuals who welcomed me into their world. It’s also a sign that I’ve made progress, because I believe that the version of me from fifteen years ago wouldn’t have been an interesting companion for them.
Monika: Among your friends, do you have many men? Have you managed to build a deeper relationship? I’m asking because a large part of my trans friends, myself included, are single. Of course, outwardly we say we’re independent, that it suits us, and that we have other goals. But when I see other trans women who have managed to settle down as wives and mothers, I get a little jealous, and not even a whole tub of ice cream helps at those times.
Emilia: In my life, I’ve had only a few male friends, there was Grzesiek, Dominik, and later, during my studies, two different men named Tomasz.
Monika: And what about later, in your adult life?
Emilia: Later, everything revolved more around family life in a very intimate circle. I moved to the countryside outside Wrocław, where we often felt lonely and isolated. Sometimes I even posted in online groups asking if anyone wanted to meet up for coffee or so the kids could play together. But eventually I gave that up, because I didn’t have time for a social life.
Monika: And what about men at work or in professional collaborations?
Emilia: I had three business partners in my life, all very strong-willed men.
Monika: And today, what kind of people make up your closest circle?
Emilia: These days, my beloved and I prefer female company, but in reality, our circle of friends is made up of people connected with our spiritual path. It’s hard for us to maintain close relationships with people who live by different rules than we do. For years we haven’t eaten meat, we don’t drink alcohol, we don’t use intoxicants, we’re not into nightclubs or, as some would say, “getting wasted.” In Poland, that pretty much rules out the recipe for a successful evening out with friends.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Emilia Japonka.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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