Monika: What was the most difficult part of coming out for you?
Joy: The hardest thing about coming out was the fear of losing my children’s and my mother’s love. I’m happy to say that didn’t happen. But there were many hard things about coming out. I did lose relationships with people I loved, and it was hard to be myself, to be visible, to be exposed, after years of hiding behind a male persona. Even now, there are times when it’s hard, but there is never a moment, not one, when I have considered going back to the living death of living as a man.
Monika: How did you react to Sex Changes: A Memoir of Marriage, Gender and Moving On (2012), written by your wife Christine Benvenuto, in which she recounts your transition and the end of your twenty-year marriage?
Monika: How did you react to Sex Changes: A Memoir of Marriage, Gender and Moving On (2012), written by your wife Christine Benvenuto, in which she recounts your transition and the end of your twenty-year marriage?
Joy: Chris’s book is an honest portrayal of her feelings of rage, betrayal, and disgust at my transition and transgender identity; however, it is not an honest portrayal of me or how I handled my transition or responded to her feelings. She omits many facts of our relationship , such as the fact that I came out to her when we were sophomores in college and talked with her many times about my struggles with my gender identity before we were married, many years before we had children, and decades before the moment she marks as the beginning of my transition.
|
|
Joy Ladin on Transgender Judaism - part II (YouTube) |
Monika: What important details about your relationship and transition does Christine’s book leave out?
Joy: She leaves out the fact that I impoverished myself throughout the transition to support her and my children, and that I was always a present and loving parent. Some things she writes are simply not true. I never threatened to throw my family out in the street, and, as I think my memoir makes abundantly clear, I thought all the time about her and our children’s feelings and pain.
Monika: How do you feel about the public’s reception of Christine’s portrayal of you?
Joy: The husband in Sex Changes not only has a different name; the character isn’t me, but a transphobic stereotype that people are all too ready to believe: the trans woman who cares about nothing but her transition and no one but herself. There may be trans women who fit that stereotype, but I’m not one of them. Most people know that an embittered ex-spouse is not an objective source of information about an ex. It’s disturbing that so many people, including transgender women, believe my ex’s description of me without question, and attest to the book’s “honesty” without any attempt at verification.
Monika: Do you still stay in touch with your former wife?
Joy: I have never stopped seeing my children, and since they live with her, she and I are regularly in touch regarding scheduling and handoffs. We have little contact beyond that.
Monika: How would you describe your relationship with fashion? What kinds of clothes do you feel most comfortable in? Are there any styles, colors, or trends you particularly enjoy?
Joy: I don't have much money for fashion. Even now, much of my money, almost $600 per week, goes to support my ex and children. I teach in New York, but my children live 300 miles away, in western Massachusetts, so I live there too and commute to teaching. In terms of what I wear, I've never felt comfortable in pants since my transition, and I rarely wear dresses, so most days I wear a longish skirt and some kind of top.
|
|
Jewish Organization Equality Index (YouTube) |
Monika: As someone who has gone through transition, what advice would you offer to transgender women currently struggling with gender dysphoria?
Joy: We need to keep reminding ourselves that we have a right to exist, we have a right to be true to ourselves, we have a right to become whole human beings, and that those whose lives touch ours have the same rights that we do. Our feelings are neither more important nor less important than those of any other human being. When we live that way, our journey toward wholeness can enrich the lives of those around us.
Monika: Would you say you’ve found happiness in your life today?
Joy: I am so happy and so grateful that I am finally living as my true self.
Monika: Joy, thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
Joy: Thank you so much, Monika!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Joy Ladin.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
Other related sources:
No comments:
Post a Comment