Monika: Was there one particular figure whose story resonated with you on a deeply personal level?
Kirsty: If there is one girl who truly demonstrated the art of what is possible, then it has to be Caroline Cossey. I read her autobiography My Story several times over and was always impressed by her sheer class and fortitude in the face of so much adversity. I have read countless transgender autobiographies but have frequently been disappointed by the lack of emotion in the prose. Yes, but what were you thinking about at the time? How did this make you feel? I would find myself demanding. Caroline had the ability to tell her story and to let you into her mindset, and I admired her for that. There was also a bond in that she had lost her father to a condition that my own father suffered, although thankfully with Dad it was detected before it became fatal.
Monika: Beyond well-known figures, were there women in your personal circle who influenced or supported you during your transition?
Kirsty: Undoubtedly the people who had the biggest influence on me, however, were the fellow sufferers that I met on the Manchester scene. I regularly attended the Wednesday night Northern Concord meetings (later reconstituted as Manchester Concord), and although it was predominantly the preserve of transvestites and cross-dressers, at that time there were also a number of transsexual girls in the group.
Monika: Did you form any particularly meaningful connections with the women you met there?
Kirsty: Almost the first that I met was a striking-looking girl named Maya. She had already commenced hormone treatment and was on the treadmill of bi-annual visits to the Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic. Maya was blighted by severe OCD that unfortunately controlled much of her life, but she could be great company and I learned a great deal from her. I’ve sadly lost touch with her, but despite her enduring some difficult times, I really miss her.
Monika: Today, do you still look up to or draw inspiration from any transgender women?
Kirsty: Having undergone GRS ten years ago and having lived and worked as Kirsty for so long, I’m less inclined to seek out role models than I once was. Whilst I continue to follow happenings in the media and am full of admiration for everyone who follows our difficult path, it takes someone extra special to really capture my attention.
Monika: Can you share someone who has managed to capture that attention?
Kirsty: Just such a person is Adele Anderson, one-third of the riotously funny Fascinating Aida. Our lives are never going to be easy, and there are times when the only way to get through the day is to find something that really makes you laugh. Fascinating Aida satisfies this requirement in spades, and much of their success is due in no small part to Adele. A gifted lyricist, talented actress, great singer, and every bit a woman, she is a perfect role model for anyone.
Monika: What impact has Adele’s personal story had on you?
Kirsty: In 2015 came the devastating news that Fascinating Aida had had to cancel their appearance at the Edinburgh Fringe because Adele had been diagnosed with cancer. Mercifully, she beat the dreadful disease and it was perhaps no surprise when Fascinating Aida added the new song “Big C” to their repertoire. I long to get a job back home and, should I succeed in this quest, I will make it a top priority to see Adele with Fascinating Aida in one of their shows.
Monika: Looking back, what was the most difficult part of revealing your true self?
Kirsty: Without doubt, the hardest thing was having to confess everything to my beautiful wife Julia. After two disastrous marriages, I had finally found solace with a woman who truly loved me. She had given me a wonderful daughter, and I had enjoyed the happiest period of my life.
Monika: How did your inner struggle affect the way you approached that moment?
Kirsty: Yet despite this, the nagging doubts about my gender identity, which had persisted since childhood, refused to go away. Never brave enough to discuss my anxieties with a doctor, I finally stumbled upon the truth via the internet. As I read the outpourings of various transsexuals online, I realized that I was actually reading about myself. The truth was both a relief and a body blow, relief that maybe I wasn’t so strange and that there were other girls out there just like me, and a body blow as I understood all too clearly the devastating toll such revelations were likely to have on a family I loved above all else.
Monika: In the early stages of your journey, did you find yourself leading a double life?
Kirsty: Yes, indeed. Working opposite shifts to Julia, I started to live a double life, accumulating a clandestine feminine wardrobe and venturing out on shopping trips as Kirsty. I hated the subterfuge, and the situation weighed heavily on my mind. More than once I consigned my feminine attire to the bin and resolved to “mend my ways,” but it was no use. I was in too deep, and it became inevitable that I would have to confide in Julia or else risk a complete emotional breakdown. Feeling increasingly isolated, I resolved to join a TV/TS support group.
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| At school in 2016. |
Monika: How did you first reach out to others in the transgender community?
Kirsty: At that time, I was living in Essex and, not wanting to risk anything too close to home, I chose the Northern Concord, who met regularly every Wednesday in the Manchester Village. Attending those meetings was out of the question, but once a year they held the “Le Big Un” weekend, a three-day extravaganza in a hotel in Bollington. Seeing this as an opportunity to finally meet some like-minded girls, I duly booked my place. But I also resolved that there could be no more deceit. If I was to disappear for three days, I would have to come clean and tell Julia what was going on.
Monika: When the time came to share your truth with Julia, how did you go about it?
Kirsty: Unfortunately, I did not choose the best way to tell her. Rather than saying that I was transgender and believed myself to have been born in the wrong body, I lied and stated that I was a cross-dresser who enjoyed dressing up in female attire. I now know that if I had been honest with her from the beginning, things would have been so much better, and we could have talked through the situation as we had always done with our problems.
Monika: How did this first conversation affect your relationship in the years that followed?
Kirsty: The issue became the elephant in the room, and almost seven years elapsed before we finally had a proper conversation on the subject. I withdrew into myself and became even more clandestine on my path to transition. Having questioned myself as to why I wasn’t more upfront, I can only say that at that time even I was struggling to cope with the truth.
Monika: Within the LGBTQ umbrella, do you feel the transgender community is truly able to promote its own cause?
Kirsty: I have to admit that lumping everything together as LGBTQ does make me wince and can be fodder to some of our more extreme opponents. I remember being at a Pride event when a less than sympathetic member of the audience yelled out, “LGBT, all the fucking weirdos together!” I understand the reason for the bond, as it does provide strength in numbers, but it can also have the effect of diluting the unique problems of each individual group. There is nothing more galling than when you listen to some “concerned politician” on the radio glibly belting out the phrase LGBT every other sentence, in a bid to show that “they’re down with the kids,” while clearly having absolutely no concept of the issues they’re discussing.
Monika: Have you noticed any improvements in how society views the different groups within the LGBTQ community?
Kirsty: Thankfully, there have been vast improvements in the way our communities are now perceived, but there is still a long way to go. Being cynical, if you look at the acronym LGBTQ, the transgender community is probably only fourth in terms of the level of acceptance we have seen.
Monika: What do you think makes the transgender experience distinct from that of other LGBTQ identities?
Kirsty: As a transgender person, there is nowhere to hide. Unless you are one of the few who blends seamlessly, you are open to being identified and chastised. That is probably more unique to our group than any of the others. People generally do not understand what it is to be transgender, and this can only be addressed if we are prepared to individually speak up for our own unique concerns. This was one of the key factors in persuading me to write my memoir. If only a few ill-informed people read it, then it will have served some purpose.
Monika: How do you feel about the way transgender people have been portrayed in media, whether in films, books, or newspapers, over the years?
Kirsty: My earliest memory of a transgender girl in the media was when the BBC screened the ground-breaking trilogy A Change of Sex in 1980. The story told of George’s bid to become Julia and featured the infamous scene where Julia was given a brutal reception by John Randell at the Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic. The screening coincided with my diagnosis as a Type One Diabetic, and thus my mind was already heavily occupied. Had I been able to approach it with a clear head, I am certain the program would have greatly enhanced my understanding of my own condition.
Monika: Did you ever meet or interact with any of the transgender figures featured in these media stories?
Kirsty: I’ve yet to meet Julia Grant, but our paths have frequently crossed, as for a number of years she ran The Hollywood Showbar, which was for a long time the Wednesday night venue for The Northern Concord.
Monika: Are there any other media stories or characters that have personally influenced your understanding of transgender issues?
Kirsty: A succession of characters, both real and fictional, has helped to enhance the public’s understanding of transgender issues. In 1998, the BBC began screening Paddington Green, which explored the lives of the residents of Paddington, London. Among those featured was Jackie McAuliffe, a young transgender girl who was forced to work as a prostitute to finance breast augmentation surgery. Jackie, a sympathetic character, was also a gifted pianist and went on to record a successful album with Decca. Her story had a profound impact on me at a time when my own issues were very much coming to a head.
Monika: One of the most talked-about transgender characters on British TV was Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street. How did you feel about her portrayal?
Kirsty: Yes, undoubtedly the highest-profile transgender character to feature on British TV was Hayley Cropper, who appeared in Coronation Street between 1998 and 2014. Probably no single character has done more to bring transgender issues to the attention of the British public than the kind-hearted Hayley, who was cleverly portrayed by actress Julie Hesmondhalgh. I initially had reservations about the choice of actor, as being cisgender she at first came across as less than convincing. But there is no doubt that Julie grew into the role and was able to address many of the issues faced by our community with grace and dignity. The character got people talking and did much to highlight and enhance our cause.
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| Teacher Kirsty, 2016. |
Monika: Are there any films that you feel have had a similar impact in promoting understanding of transgender experiences?
Kirsty: Probably the film that has done most to promote an understanding of transgender issues in recent times has been The Danish Girl, with the character of Lili Elbe so beautifully portrayed by Eddie Redmayne. My daughter went to an early screening and cried profusely, feeling she was watching her own life on the screen. There were also moments in the film that had a similar effect on me, and I found myself crying, “Yes, that is how it is.” Realizing that the film was likely to have an emotional impact on me, I took the precaution of watching it in my own home.
Monika: How has the written media treated transgender people historically, in your experience?
Kirsty: Sadly, the written media has frequently been less kind to our cause. Many will be aware of the appalling way The News of the World cruelly outed Caroline Cossey for no more reason than a grubby headline. Many newspaper features in the 1980s and 1990s that tackled transgender stories were all too frequently dressed up with “Little Britain” type language and imagery, which only served to increase the misunderstanding and hatred of our community.
Monika: Do you feel the media landscape has improved in recent years regarding transgender coverage?
Kirsty: I like to think that this situation has finally improved, and that lazy journalists are now less inclined to go for cheap headlines by poking fun at a group of which they have no understanding.
Monika: Are you actively involved in any transgender lobbying campaigns, and how do you engage with political issues affecting your community?
Kirsty: Living in Thailand currently puts me a bit out of the loop when it comes to being involved in lobbying campaigns. Obviously, I follow the media with interest and have signed many petitions over the years. I also frequently comment on news stories presented in the British media, the most recent being the appalling attack on a young transgender girl in a Manchester school, who was shot by another student with an air rifle. I have also taken part in several phone-ins, the most notable being the Your Call program with Nicky Campbell.
Monika: Do you think transgender women can make a meaningful difference in politics?
Kirsty: Yes, they can make a difference, but it must be for what they believe in and not solely because they are transgender.
Monika: How did your sense of fashion evolve during and after your transition, and what are your favorite styles to wear today?
Kirsty: When I first transitioned, I assembled a huge wardrobe and committed some dreadful fashion faux-pas. Thankfully, my daughter took me under her wing and convinced me of the merits of dressing appropriately for someone of my age. It was wise advice, and it is a mantra that I have followed religiously ever since, with positive results. I am now more than content to let my daughter pick my wardrobe, and she has never let me down.
Monika: Does your fashion style change depending on where you live or the climate?
Kirsty: Here in Thailand, the weather is baking hot most of the year, so one is forced to wear lightweight clothing appropriate to the conditions. Skirt lengths are dictated by a strict school dress code, which reasonably expects teachers to be appropriately dressed. Back at home, I do like to dress classily and have always favored the smart business look, with a nice black skirt suit, white blouse, heels, and barely black tights.
Monika: What are your thoughts on transgender beauty pageants and their role in the community?
Kirsty: I did attend several of these when I was a member of Transliving and found them to be quite good fun. It was at one of these that I actually met Russell Reid, who was to play such a significant role in my transition, so from that point of view, I am quite grateful to them. Provided they are conducted with some grace and don’t throw up too many comparisons to “Little Britain,” I see no harm in them, but it is not something I would go in for myself. Quite frankly, I’m a bit long in the tooth for all that now, leave it to the young girls.
Monika: How has love influenced your journey, both before and after your transition?
Kirsty: Love is very important to me, and before transition, I was always in a relationship. My last strong bond was with my third wife, Julia, and I will love her until my dying day, but now in a different way, as true friends. I am a heterosexual woman and am certain that there is a man out there who can love me for who I truly am. I have had one steady relationship since my transition, but unfortunately, the guy turned out to be a bit of a shit. You live and learn.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Kirsty Jayne Crow.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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