Monika: Were there any specific milestones, physical, legal, or social, that gave you a deeper sense of alignment with your identity?
Melia: As my body transformed, I began to embrace my identity more fully. When my breasts became more prominent, I finally felt comfortable wearing low-cut dresses and tops that celebrated my new shape. The moment I officially changed my name and updated my documents was surreal. Holding a government-issued ID that reflected my true gender and identity filled me with confidence.
For the first time, I could go out without the fear of having to show an ID with my dead name. I had avoided social situations where that could happen because the embarrassment was overwhelming. I would often hide my face or skip events altogether to avoid that discomfort.
Now, I proudly whip out my ID without hesitation, and I love that it says Melia. That moment of confidence, when I stopped being afraid and embraced my journey, was when I truly felt like I had stepped into my most authentic self. It’s a beautiful feeling to own who I am and to celebrate my journey!
Monika: Many transgender women have a variety of experiences with hormone therapy. Looking back, how do you feel about the physical and emotional effects it’s had on you?
Melia: Looking back on my experience with hormone therapy, I can honestly say that I love it and am grateful for the profound changes it has brought to my life. However, no amount of research could have prepared me for the physical and emotional rollercoaster I would face.
Emotionally, the beginning of hormone therapy was tumultuous. My moods were all over the place; anxiety became a constant companion, and panic attacks were not uncommon. There were nights when sleep eluded me, and hot flashes became an unwelcome addition to my life. Imagine living in Aberdeen during the freezing winter, with windows wide open because I was sweating profusely. The emotional stress was intense, often leading to unexplained tears one night and unexpected happiness the next. My body was in flux, oestrogen was fighting for its place while testosterone resisted.
Monika: Did you ever reach a moment where it felt like things might spiral beyond your control?
Melia: During that first year, I reached a breaking point. For the first time in years, I found myself back at the same place yet again contemplating ending it all, overwhelmed by the weight of my struggles. I wrestled with deep questions: Where was God in all of this? Why did it feel like my life was so hard? Why couldn’t I catch a break?
A particularly low moment came just before Christmas. I found myself drinking, reaching out to my mum and sister in France, crying about everything. In a hazy state from just one glass of wine, I forgot a cake I was baking, leaving it in the oven while I stumbled off to bed. Fortunately, the oven had safety sensors to shut off after a while.
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| "Queen of Queens pageant in Trinidad and Tobago." |
Melia: The following morning, I was on the phone with a Samaritan helpline, emotionally distraught and contemplating self-harm. It was a painful realization that I had reached this point because I struggled to find help. My GP prescribed sleeping pills and recommended therapy, but immediate support felt insufficient.
After three weeks, I had my bloodwork done because I had been self-medicating without monitoring. Eventually, I was prescribed anxiety medication, which helped balance my hormones and alleviate the hot flashes. Years later, I am still on that medication, which has been crucial for my well-being. It's disheartening to think about the inadequate care many trans people receive in the UK; I could have easily become another statistic.
These days, my emotions are more stable, though I still face my struggles. I’ve learned to take each day as it comes, finding strength in the progress I’ve made.
Monika: And physically, how did those hormonal changes affect your relationship with your body and sense of self?
Melia: On the physical side, the changes in my body have been challenging. I've experienced fluctuations in weight and dress sizes, going from a size 6 to an 8 and now approaching a size 10. Some days, I buy clothes only to find they no longer fit a month later. I once had a six-pack and could eat almost anything without gaining weight, but now I’m navigating a different reality. I understand that fat distribution is part of the process, but I wish it would happen more quickly.
In summary, while hormone therapy has brought incredible positive changes to my life, the journey has been complex, filled with emotional highs and lows as well as significant physical changes.
Monika: The journey to being our true selves often comes with a heavy price, losing friends, family, and sometimes even our jobs. What was the hardest part of coming out for you, and how did you navigate it?
Melia: I’ve had to come out twice in my life, and the first time was especially tough. I wrestled with the agony of hiding who I was versus the hope of living openly and freely. Out of fear, I initially chose the safer path, coming out as gay, believing that was all I was allowed to be. That decision cost me dearly, I lost friends from church and became isolated from the faith community that once meant so much to me. As someone who taught Sunday school, led the youth group, and aspired to be a pastor, the rejection felt overwhelming and deeply shameful.
Some of my relatives and friends distanced themselves, and others mocked me. The weight of it all hit me hard, so much so that I struggled with thoughts of self-harm and even attempted suicide. I’m only here today because a good friend, Michel de Groulard from the Trinidad and Tobago United Nations, unexpectedly showed up at my home that day and became a lifeline for me.
Monika: When you came out the second time, as trans, what was different? Did it feel like starting over or picking up from where you left off?
Melia: The second time I came out, this time as trans, things went a bit more smoothly. I was living in Scotland then, and the environment was much more accepting than in Trinidad and Tobago during my first coming out. I was finally able to share my truth with people I cared about, often in heartfelt, one-on-one conversations.
Even so, coming out as trans brought its own set of fears and mental challenges. I worried constantly: What would people think? Would I be accepted, or rejected, or even in danger? Was I making the right choice? Would I lose everything, should I choose my own happiness, or keep hiding just to avoid rejection? These are questions only I could answer, and I had to accept the risk for myself. Every trans person goes through these struggles before stepping into the light, it’s never easy.
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| Represented her company at the Houston gateway for energy sector. |
Monika: That internal risk, choosing happiness over acceptance, can be terrifying. What’s been the most painful consequence of that choice?
Melia: At the time, I thought nothing could be harder than coming out during my transition. But while each experience taught me something, one pain remains: seeing people treat my happiness as something shameful or deviant. Having friends and even family turn away from me because I chose to live my truth hurts more deeply than I expected. People who used to share my home, my table, and my life suddenly closed their doors to me, not because I changed, but because I finally allowed myself to be happy. The hurt isn’t limited to friends; many family members, some of whom I was once very close to, have turned away too. The pain is real. It makes me question, did I do the right thing, or should I have kept living for other people?
Despite it all, I’ve learned to stand tall, shoulders back and head held high. This is my truth, and I choose happiness.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life that helped you realize, “That’s me!”?
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life that helped you realize, “That’s me!”?
Melia: The first time I saw a trans woman, I was still living in Trinidad and Tobago and actively involved in church. I watched RuPaul’s Drag Race and witnessed Monica Beverly Hillz come out during Season 5. Her vulnerability and pain deeply resonated with me, I understood her struggle because it was my own.
Later that same year, I spotted a stunning trans woman at an underground drag pageant in Trinidad and Tobago; she captivated me with her beauty. When my friends told me she was trans, I was astonished and immediately wanted to learn more. She felt like a reflection of myself, she was beautiful, she was passable, and I aspired to be just like her. I found myself wanting to ask about her journey, her process, what steps she took, but fear kept me silent, so I admired her from afar, occasionally browsing her Facebook profile.
Eventually, she moved to Amsterdam, and not long after, another inspiration emerged: Carmen Carrera from RuPaul’s Drag Race, whose beauty and elegance reminded me of a supermodel. Later, I saw Indya Moore grace my television screen, and her radiance left me in awe. I only wished I could be half as beautiful as her.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Melia: As an openly proud trans woman, I wish I could say I don’t care about others’ opinions, but that’s simply not the reality we live in. Society is quick to judge, whether it’s because of your skin color, your place in the community, or, on top of it all, your gender. This mix creates a storm of difficulties.
When I’m at home, I feel comfortable. If I’m just running out to the supermarket, I’ll throw on whatever’s easy and go about my business, not stopping to talk to anyone. But you can be sure my head stays down, avoiding eye contact on those casual days.
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| Out in Crail enjoying a bit of the sunshine. |
Monika: When I venture outside my neighborhood, though, it’s a different story. I won’t leave the house without a touch of makeup, some lipstick, and clothes that make me feel put together.
My constant worry is that if something were to happen while I’m out, I don’t want to be instantly identified as trans. There’s immense societal pressure, and because we’re so often met with scrutiny, I always feel I need to be as “passable” as possible. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being obsessive, when I catch someone staring in a store or on the street, maybe they’re admiring me, but I can’t shake the fear they’re seeing me as trans. All I really want is to blend in and just be another person in the crowd. But then, what even is “normal”? Maybe people see something in me they genuinely appreciate, and I do find comfort in knowing I can be seen that way.
So yes, I do feel the pressure to be passable, I even prefer it for myself, but it’s never about diminishing anyone else’s experience. For me, it simply means fewer hassles when I go out and less explaining to do.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Melia: The reality for transgender women in the Caribbean is deeply troubling. Transgender individuals here endure widespread stigma, discrimination, and violence, alongside a severe lack of legal protection and pervasive social ostracism.
In many Caribbean countries, transgender identities are not legally acknowledged, which restricts access to fundamental rights such as healthcare, education, and employment. As a result, this community faces disproportionately high rates of unemployment, mental health challenges like depression and anxiety, as well as increased vulnerability to HIV.
Monika: What does this mean specifically for transgender people living in Trinidad and Tobago?
Melia: In Trinidad and Tobago specifically, transgender people confront numerous legal and societal barriers. There is no official recognition of transgender identities, and anti-discrimination protections are absent. Although attitudes toward LGBTQ+ individuals are gradually shifting, negative perceptions prevail, often leading to outright hostility and exclusion.
Recently, the High Court overturned a 2018 ruling that had decriminalized the outdated "buggery act," a law regarded by many as cruel and obsolete. Under this law, those convicted of same-sex acts can face sentences as harsh as 25 years in prison.
The “buggery law” in Trinidad and Tobago criminalizes same-sex sexual activity, mainly anal sex, between consenting adults. Despite a prior High Court decision deeming these laws unconstitutional, the ruling has been appealed, and the matter is now being considered by the UK’s Privy Council.
Monika: How has this hostile environment impacted your personal safety and sense of freedom?
Melia: Currently, Trinidad and Tobago is far from a safe environment for LGBTQ+ individuals. For someone like me, living openly there simply isn’t an option; basic safety and freedom are not guaranteed.
Over the last decade, countless trans women have been murdered, often in their own homes or while working, particularly for those engaged in sex work. I have personally lost friends in the LGBTQ+ community to murder and kidnapping.
Ultimately, the plight of transgender people in Trinidad and Tobago remains rooted in a legal and societal system that fails to recognize our existence or grant us equal rights. This fundamental lack of acceptance is why we continue our struggle for the basic right to live without fear.
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| "I have a genuine love for fashion." |
Melia: Girllll!!!!! Absolutely, I can relate completely! I experienced such a rush of happiness, I was buying dresses and shoes by the dozen, making up for all those years I felt I’d missed out on. My closet is still overflowing with outfits, and I swear I must have tried on hundreds just to savor the feeling.
Honestly, that’s still so much a part of who I am. I often joke that I spend half my paycheck every month on shoes, clothes, bags, if you can name it, I probably own it.
Sometimes I shop for events I don’t even know exist yet, just in case, and I’ll buy the same piece in different colors too, because why not? I even have evening gowns that have never been worn and shoes that haven’t even left the box. One of these days, I really should get some girlfriends together to help me sort through everything, maybe take some things home for themselves! I guess it’s just a girl thing.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Melia: When it comes to my personal style, I don’t really pay attention to current trends. Instead, I focus on what flatters my body and suits my complexion, outfits that are sure to turn heads. I let the clothes speak for themselves, but I also dress according to my mood on any given day. That’s probably why my wardrobe is so varied; sometimes, I’ll buy something for an event, only to change my mind on the day because I’m feeling differently than when I picked it out.
I absolutely dislike running into someone wearing the same outfit as me, that happened at a party when I was younger, and I’ve never forgotten it.
Monika: Do you have any fashion rules or personal preferences you always stick to when choosing what to wear?
Melia: I avoid repeating looks from past occasions. If I had to describe my style, I’d say it’s classy, never trashy. Designer labels don’t interest me, as they’re just out of reach anyway. And as for color, I prefer vibrant or neutral tones over dark shades. Of course, in a professional setting, I’ll opt for darker hues, but I make sure my outfits still look striking and elegant.
I have a genuine love for fashion, but skimpy, barely-there pieces just aren’t for me. And while I might not spend on luxury clothes, I do invest in beautiful fragrances. Miller Harris is my go-to, after all, what’s the point of looking great if you don’t smell just as good?
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?
Melia: When it comes to makeup, I absolutely love it. I used to spend hours perfecting every detail before heading out, okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but back in the early days it definitely took me that long! These days, I can achieve a beautiful look in under an hour.
My passion for makeup was inspired by a close friend from Trinidad and Tobago, Amit Lall. He introduced me to the world of makeup when he first started out, and I was one of his original models. We’d have late nights by the pool where he’d try out new looks on me. I was always such a fan of his talent that I couldn’t wait to show his work off around town. Looking back, some of those looks weren’t the most flattering, but the memories are priceless. Now, Amit is a top makeup artist in the twin islands, working with local celebrities and major business figures.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Melia VL Pillay.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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