Interview with Melia VL Pillay - Part 3

 

Monika: What kind of relationship do you two share today? Has his influence continued to shape how you see beauty?

Melia: There was a time when I would video call Amit for advice before I went out, wanting his approval and expert tips. He’d remind me to go easy with the color, always tap off excess pigment, and, most importantly, never forget to clean my brushes! He was even the first person to introduce me to drag, making me his drag daughter.

So, to answer your makeup question, I genuinely love makeup and enjoy wearing it. My go-to foundation is the Fenty Beauty Pro Filt’r, and my favorite palettes are by Juvia’s Place, Morphe, and Anastasia Beverly Hills, the pigment payoff is just incredible. If I’m planning a night out, I'll add a bit of extra sparkle with pigments from Inglot. Makeup is definitely a big part of my life…and, if I’m honest, probably something I spend way too much money on!

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them? 

Melia: I genuinely enjoy receiving compliments about my appearance. They give my confidence a boost and make me feel appreciated, something I think everyone craves. That said, I sometimes question whether the compliments are sincere, especially because I don’t always view myself as beautiful. There’s a part of me that struggles with self-worth and thinks I’m not attractive enough.

Monika: Do you think that has anything to do with how beauty was defined around you growing up?

Melia: Growing up in the Caribbean during the 90s and early 2000s, I was conditioned to believe that lighter skin was considered more beautiful. So when someone calls me gorgeous, I often assume they’re referring to my outfit, not to me personally.

Reflecting on my childhood, I rarely received compliments about my looks because of my dark skin. I even went so far as to bleach my skin in an attempt to fit in and feel attractive. Unfortunately, I damaged my skin in the process, but it taught me a valuable lesson: my dark skin is beautiful. As Melia, I’m still learning to accept compliments at face value and believe that people genuinely mean what they say.

I do appreciate compliments, and I’m gradually learning to embrace them without overanalyzing their intent.

Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?

Melia: In some ways, yes, but not entirely. I think a part of me was conditioned to believe I needed to change everything about myself to fit in, and for a long while, I did try to do just that. Yet, throughout my journey as a trans woman, I’ve found my boundaries. These days, I see so many women fiercely competing with each other, often ending up chasing unrealistic standards through countless cosmetic procedures. Personally, I’ve never had any surgeries on my face or body to achieve a particular look. Maybe I simply couldn’t afford it, or maybe the idea of surgery was too intimidating, who can say for certain.

Monika: How do you feel about those societal standards and the impact they have on women’s self-image?

Melia: Does that mean I haven’t felt pressured to meet certain standards of femininity? I would be lying if I said that was the case. Just think about the ads we see on TV, rarely do they feature regular women like you or me. Instead, they showcase stunning models, and as viewers, it’s natural to internalize that and measure ourselves against them, often focusing on our own perceived flaws.

Despite all of this, I strive to stay true to myself. There was a time when I believed looking beautiful was the only way to be included or invited out by friends. But for me, society’s biggest pressure is simply fitting in unnoticed, not being singled out as trans. Fewer questions mean a more peaceful life.

 

"I strive to stay true to myself."

 

Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?

Melia: Reflecting on my transition, the most unexpected realization was how, despite all the progress we’ve made, there remains a small but persistent group of people determined to make our already challenging lives even more difficult. For example, looking at the current situation in the UK with the Supreme Court, it’s clear that this hostility doesn’t represent the majority. Of course, every community has its share of problematic individuals, and the trans community is no exception, but that’s true everywhere. We represent less than 1% of the population, and as a group, we have minimal impact on the economy or on society’s well-being, yet we remain disproportionately targeted. That fact has truly shocked me.

It’s also disheartening to see how little priority our mental and physical health receives from those in power, from endless waitlists for necessary care to the EHRC’s position on trans women’s access to bathrooms. At times, these obstacles feel so overwhelming that I just want to withdraw from the world and never come out. 

Monika: How has love shaped your life and your journey as a transgender woman? Could you share what role love plays in your personal growth and happiness?

Melia: Love is everything to me, I adore the feeling, the magic of being in love and how it soothes the heart.

There was a time when I loved an extraordinary man who, sadly, passed away many years ago. Losing him was devastating, yet the love I had for him has kept me going. He still lives on within my heart. Our relationship was far from flawless, tumultuous at times, but I would have done anything for him. In the end, I believe it was simply his time to join the angels.

Monika: After such a profound loss, how did you navigate opening your heart to love again?

Melia: After his passing, I fell in love again, several times, in fact, but those relationships never became what I hoped for. They were like frogs that didn’t turn into princes, or maybe I was always too willing to give more than I received. Most of the time, love felt one-sided. There was one man I cared for deeply who eventually married someone else, but years later we reconnected as friends online.

Looking back, it felt as though I was emotionally committed to these men long before any actual proposals came; I was ready to give everything, sometimes blindly.

Monika: What has your current relationship taught you about love and companionship?

Melia: Today, I've grown calmer and more discerning. A few years ago, I met my best friend, a wonderful man who truly changed my life. We don’t live together; we’re actually on opposite sides of the UK, but we make it work. We see each other whenever possible and spend hours talking every day, even late into the night. He’s the one who wakes me up each morning and encourages me to hit the gym. He’s there for me during my lowest moments, reminding me that life is still worth living. I’m his first trans girlfriend, and he treats me like a princess.

Monika: What’s your favorite part about the dynamic between you two?

Melia: We have this playful bond, I tease him to get a reaction, and he jokingly calls out my embarrassing moments. Somehow, this dynamic just works for us. He protects me, boosts my confidence in my transition, and genuinely enjoys watching me try on outfits for him (though I must admit, he’s a bit impatient!). He’s needy and can never get enough of me, but let’s keep that between us, or he’ll become insufferably smug.

For now, we’re happy with our arrangement, each living in our respective cities. It gives us both space to live our own lives, while still making time to visit each other and share meaningful moments. These past few years of my transition have been brighter and more joyful with him by my side, and I truly hope he’ll remain part of my life for the rest of my days.

 

"I remain deeply committed to advocating
for trans equality."

 

Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?

Melia: I've always had the desire to share my story and write a book about my experiences. However, I often find myself hesitating, partly because revisiting certain chapters of my life can be difficult, which is why I haven’t started yet.

If I were to write my memoir, its core message would center around resilience, learning to embrace self-love, and establishing healthy boundaries with family, friends, and loved ones. 

Monika: Finally, what’s next for Melia? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?

Melia: My path has been anything but simple. Right now, I’m focused on advancing my career and building a life that’s true to who I am.

Earning a PhD is something I’ve always dreamed of, though life and work commitments have made me reconsider it from time to time, it remains a milestone I hope to reach someday. Maybe I just want to hear the words “Dr. Pillay” before my journey ends!

Monika: That’s a beautiful ambition! Outside of academia, what other projects or passions are on your horizon?

Melia: I remain deeply committed to advocating for trans equality and creating safe spaces for everyone. I’m considering launching a podcast that highlights a range of topics from a trans perspective.

Additionally, I dream of establishing a center where those who are homeless or in need can find food and the support they deserve. There are so many dreams I hold close, though I sometimes question whether all of them are within reach. But one thing I know I can achieve is being present and supportive for those around me, and for myself, by living honestly and authentically every day.

Monika: Melia, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.

Melia: Monika thank you and it was a pleasure to speak with you.

END OF PART 3

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All photos: courtesy of Melia VL Pillay.

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