Monika: Many transgender women have a variety of experiences with hormone therapy. Looking back, how do you feel about the physical and emotional effects it’s had on you?
Stephanie: Well, I've certainly had (and am having) an interesting experience when it comes to hormone therapy. I was held to ransom by my endocrinologist in my first year on HRT because he wouldn't increase my oestrogen dosage until I legally changed my name. But I couldn't do that as I was going through a divorce and house move at the time and didn't want to jeopardize anything, so frustratingly I had to put up and shut up.
Monika: Aside from those initial hurdles, how would you describe the emotional impact of HRT on you?
Stephanie: I have to say that even after 15 months on (restricted) HRT I’m so pleased with the effects it’s having on me, probably more so physically than emotionally, though emotionally I think it’s so subtle. I do cry in movies and get teary and emotional if I’m talking about something close to my heart, but I did that before, only now I feel it more on the inside, and on the outside it’s a more complete, deeper sense of emotion, if that makes any sense?
Monika: And what about the physical changes? What aspects of your transformation have brought you the most joy?
Stephanie: On the physical side, I love the change to my skin, and I've been fortunate to have relatively good breast growth and I’m now a B cup. My friends say my face has softened, and I’ll take their word on that, again, it’s a very subtle change. What I am enjoying more than I thought I would is the fat redistribution. I can now see my hips filling out, along with my bottom and a little on my thighs, and this is giving me a more feminine curve. I love it.
Monika: The journey to being our true selves often comes with a heavy price, losing friends, family, and sometimes even our jobs. What was the hardest part of coming out for you, and how did you navigate it?
Stephanie: The hardest part for me was losing my best man, Martin. We had known each other since just after school, we knocked around doing the usual things like the pub, tinkering with our cars (Martin was a car mechanic), the pub, motorsports like rallying, the pub, etc. This was all during my complete denial phase where I thought doing macho things would prove my manliness and thus cure me (it didn’t work, obviously). Martin, as I said, was my best man at my wedding, and then years later he asked if I would be godfather to his son Christopher, which of course I accepted. Martin and I kept in touch over the years and we spent fifteen years on a regular road trip to France to see the Le Mans 24hr race.
Monika: When you were preparing to come out to Martin, what was going through your mind?
Stephanie: I had come out to pretty much everyone in early 2023, but I hadn’t told Martin. This was because I knew in my heart he might take it badly. The topic of telling Martin regularly came up in my counselling sessions and it was becoming a bit of an issue, so I resolved to tell him whilst we were in France in June. For various reasons this did not happen, though I can say that one evening at the campsite we were relaxing, and two older (70s) guys in a tent opposite were having a very loud conversation about women’s rights and the gender pay gap of all things! They were saying how we (men) had given women the right to vote and that they (women) should put up and shut up! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but before I said anything to Martin, one of these blokes went on to say, “Men in dresses, what’s that all about? As far as I’m concerned, if you’re born with a d**k you’re a bloke, and if not, you’re a woman!”
Monika: How did Martin react when you finally decided to tell him?
Stephanie: I turned to Martin and said, “Did you hear that?” to which Martin replied, “Well, he’s got a point.” Completely shocked, I held my tongue and said nothing more until a week after we had returned from France. I arranged to meet Martin at an old favourite local pub we used to frequent in our youth, and as we drank our first pint I casually said there was something I needed to tell him. He asked what it was and I just came out and told him I was a crossdresser and sometimes presented as Stephanie (this was before I decided to fully transition). He went quiet for a little while, then said, “OK mate, I get it, each to their own.” And that was it.
Monika: And when you later told him about your full transition, what happened then?
Stephanie: In the new year of 2024, after my decision to fully transition, I met Martin again (as Paul) at his home with his wife and told him I was going to fully transition. This time he went quiet and didn’t say anything at all. His wife suggested I leave them to think this through, and sadly that was the last time I saw or spoke to him. His wife messaged me a week later, saying Martin was upset but didn’t want to talk about it, especially to me. This hurt me immensely, but I agreed not to contact him and to wait for him to make the first move. I haven’t heard from him since. I did reach out in June this year, but he didn’t respond to my message. Sadly, I think our friendship is now over, but I’ll never give up waiting in the hope he changes his mind after all.
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| In Brighton for her GRS consultation in July. |
Stephanie: I remember the 1970s with the likes of Danny La Rue, etc., but these were entertainers, just as the drag queens of today. I did meet a fellow crossdresser called Andrea for the first time in 2022, who I’d “met” on an online forum. We met at a Travelodge for dinner in a nearby restaurant, and it was a fabulous experience. It was the first time I’d met another crossdresser, the first time I’d been in a restaurant, etc., so many firsts were ticked off that weekend.
Monika: So if that wasn’t the “That’s me!” moment, when did it actually happen?
Stephanie: That happened later, in October of that year. I had booked my first ever bra fitting at our local Marks & Spencer store and had a brilliant experience with a lovely assistant called Suzie. She was kind, understanding, considerate, and professional. She made me (Paul) feel very at ease, and after being measured she found a few bras for me to try on.
Monika: So who gave you that true moment of recognition?
Stephanie: When we were finished, Suzie said she wanted to introduce me to one of her colleagues. I was a little confused. However, as we walked towards the menswear department, Suzie said for me to wait while she went to find this colleague of hers. Shortly after, she returned with a lady who she introduced as Vicki. Vicki, it turned out, was a trans woman who had fully transitioned whilst working at the store, with the full support of everyone at M&S.
Suzie introduced us, and after a few minutes chatting, Vicki said she needed to return to work, so we hastily exchanged phone numbers. Vicki was my “That’s me!” moment, and we’ve been good friends ever since. Vicki will be taking me down to Brighton for my GRS in two weeks and bringing me home the following Tuesday.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Stephanie: I think I touched on this earlier, but at 6’ tall with large feet it's difficult to try to pass, and I learnt quite early on that trying to pass and failing is worse than just being the best version of yourself you can be. I dress appropriately for the surroundings, hold my head high, and just get on with my life. The outside world's expectations are a fabrication and an amalgamation of many different expectations, so you'll never meet them. The only true expectation is the one I have: to be treated like anyone else, equally, fairly, and without judgment.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Stephanie: It's awful. I was so depressed when that ruling was read out after the court hearing, and then seeing the celebrations from Women for Scotland really hit the pit of my stomach. Then, with the ridiculous interim guidance from the EHRC, it’s farcical yet dangerously serious. The repercussions are potentially disastrous for our community, but we have to fight this. When you look logically, the proposals are so biased and discriminatory that any right-minded person can see this, however, they are ploughing on regardless.
One thing that I’ve changed as a direct result of this is to realign my charitable giving from the local Air Ambulance and the RNLI, which I have now stopped, and I’m now donating the equivalent regularly to the Good Law Project, who will fight for our rights. We are a small minority, so we need to give as much as we can. The charities I no longer support are, of course, very worthy, however, they have by far a greater support base.
Monika: In the face of so much hostility, what keeps you motivated to stay and fight?
Stephanie: It's very easy to get bogged down with what's going on here right now, and I see many people in our community talking about leaving the country for a more tolerant nation. I, for one, will not bow down or give in to the anti-trans rhetoric. I will continue to be trans and proud of who I am. Above all, there are so many in our community who don't have the ability to leave, and we need to be there for them, to support them in any way we can.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Stephanie: I guess I do feel the same way. I remember the feeling when my then wife suggested that instead of hiding my clothes in bags in the garage loft (I'd fessed up a couple of weeks earlier), I move them into my wardrobe so they could hang properly. I was elated, and after her suggestion I think I'd moved everything within an hour or so. I didn't actually have much then, as storage was limited, and up until a couple of months earlier I still hadn't come out to my wife, so there was always that dread and fear of being discovered.
Monika: What did it mean to you, on an emotional level, to finally see your clothes hanging in the wardrobe instead of being hidden away?
Stephanie: Once I’d sorted out my wardrobe, I remember every time I was in the bedroom I would look at the wardrobe, thinking and knowing that behind the doors were my special clothes. Of course, as time went on, things changed. My wife and I started sleeping in separate rooms, and as a consequence, I gained a second wardrobe! What is a girl to do? Fill it, of course, which I did in a very short spell of time. It was a glorious time and pretty much the beginning of my transition.
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| With her fabulous children Richard and Eleanor. |
Stephanie: Oo, good question, Monika. I dress for the occasion, whether it's dinner out, coffee with friends, a special occasion, or even going to the dump. I wouldn't say I follow a specific fashion per se, but whatever the occasion, I need to feel comfortable. I do pay attention to current trends and love to people-watch.
This summer has been glorious, and my go-to’s have been summer midi dresses around calf length with sandals. I love my knitwear in the colder months, these being skirts or dresses and a rather large number of jumpers, and I love my jeans, my favorite style being high-rise boot-cut, probably because they help camouflage my large feet.
Monika: If you had to pick just one outfit that always makes you feel like your most confident self, what would it be?
Stephanie: As for a confidence-boosting go-to outfit, I would say a long pleated full skirt with a black lace round-neck top with either my suede kitten heel boots or 3” heel courts.
In the past, I have had to be mindful of what I wear, particularly dresses or skirts. I love bodycon dresses and tighter-fitting skirts, however, these have been off the radar somewhat. With my operation in a couple of weeks’ time, I’m planning a bit of a splurge in the winter, where these clothes will be back on the agenda. I already have a gorgeous NEXT oatmeal-colored knitted skirt and jumper combination hanging in my wardrobe.
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?
Stephanie: Who doesn't? I do enjoy trying out different colours, new products, or alternative techniques, however, it's very rare that I make the time to do so. I can throw on the basics in good time, which I guess is around 15 minutes, and do a half-decent job in 20 minutes if it's lunch out. When I’m going out in the evening, for say a party, meeting up with the girls for drinks, or for dinner, I’ll take a lot more care with everything and have a greater focus on my eyes.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Stephanie: I did struggle at first to believe that people were being genuine and honest with their comments. I was convinced they were saying it out of duty or didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But over time, as I’ve grown in confidence during my transition, I’m now much happier being complimented.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Stephanie: Not really. I think I’ve always had a good sense of fashion and what suits me, and armed with that and a keen eye for what the average woman on the street is wearing, I just get on with it. When I think back to my crossdressing days, I squirm at some of the outfits I wore, because then my ideal of femininity was the typical mini dress, stockings, 5” heels, oversized boobs, too much makeup, and big hair.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Stephanie: The most surprising part of my transition has to be the confidence I now have and how proud I am in my own skin. Also (am I allowed two?) friendships. Until I started my transition, I hadn’t realised what it was like to have a best friend and how deep that friendship goes. Yes, I had friends and people I thought were “best friends,” but that was nothing compared to what I have now. I also have so many more friends now, some old but mostly new, and they are all lovely, caring, and supportive people.
Monika: How has love shaped your life and your journey as a transgender woman? Could you share what role love plays in your personal growth and happiness?
Stephanie: I had forty years of marriage with a lovely wife, and we had two amazingly fantastic children. Then, when I came out to them, I had their acceptance and support. When I knew I would transition, we decided that divorce was the best way forward for both of us to live our lives. It was all very amicable. After the divorce, we are still friends and always will be, because our children are our family glue. That is how love has shaped my life.
Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?
Stephanie: No, not at first, that would be too scary. But over the past few years, I’ve written a number of articles for a couple of organisations. The first was an American online forum for trans and crossdressers called Crossdresser Haven, and the second was the UK’s oldest transgender organisation, the Beaumont Society members’ magazine. These articles were all about my personal experiences as I began to emerge from my lifelong chrysalis, and then realised that being trans was not a curse after all but a blessing.
Monika: What did you hope readers would take away from those early articles?
Stephanie: My intention in writing and sharing these articles was partly about recalling and recording these significant moments on my journey. But more importantly, I wanted anyone reading them to gain an insight into my experiences and an idea of the challenges I faced and how I overcame them. I’d like to think that they could be inspired by what I’ve achieved and that it gives them the strength and belief to have a go themselves.
It was my best friend, Tara, who first suggested that I could and should write a book charting my journey from my earliest memories of being “different” to the present and my full transition. Doing such a thing as writing a book just terrified me. There was no way I could ever think of enough interesting things to fill a book! However, Tara assured me that it would make a good book and would be very interesting to anyone reading it. Who am I to question her judgment?
Monika: That’s wonderful encouragement. So, how is the book project going now?
Stephanie: Since January this year, I have been scribbling away in my Filofax everything that I can remember from my past relating to my journey, while simultaneously writing notes on the here-and-now part of the same journey. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been transposing the writing into text, and I’m now the proud owner of a document holding 90,000 words, and I’ve still got my operation and recovery to write about. Yes, there will be a book.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Stephanie? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Stephanie: Wow, what’s next? To have my operation and be strong in my recovery, then begin to live a life that for 50 years was merely an unachievable dream, a fantasy, but now a fantastic reality.
Monika: Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
Stephanie: It’s been an honour and a pleasure, Monika. Thank you so much for inviting me.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Stephanie Dunn.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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