Monika: I finally felt free after my transition. How about you? Was there a single moment, or maybe a series of moments, where you truly felt like you had stepped into your most authentic self?
Valentina: I feel that I am still in transition and that it will always be this way. Right now, for example, I’m at a fairly stable point. It is true that when I began to understand myself as trans and started sharing it with my girlfriend at the time, who also accompanied me with a lot of emotion, I felt something quite pleasant, like an internal ‘click,’ even before changing anything about my body, my name, or anything else. But that quickly took a backseat because of the onslaught of online and offline violences that tried to punish me for taking that ‘deviant’ path, and that’s when I began to experience the transition more as a mix of an act of freedom and a painful act of resistance and negotiation with my surroundings, because some changes, from the very beginning, I was aware I made to avoid violence, not because I wanted to. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy with the decisions I made; I don’t regret them. But the reality is that transitioning isn’t always a path toward what you desire: sometimes it’s a path toward what allows you to stay alive.
Monika: Many transgender women have a variety of experiences with hormone therapy. Looking back, how do you feel about the physical and emotional effects it’s had on you?
Valentina: It has been a love-hate relationship, mine with hormones. I started and stopped treatment many times because it didn’t quite sit well with me, but at the same time, there were changes that made me feel great about myself, so it was complicated both to take them and to stop. Now, for example, I’m in the most stable period I’ve had regarding hormone treatments since I began: I haven’t taken hormones since December 2023. And that stability has to do with the fact that the decision was euphoric, not dysphoric. That is, when I decided to take hormones, it was because I felt bad about my body and needed to change it, and when I decided to stop, it was because, although I liked more how my body looked, it felt physically uncomfortable.
Monika: What role have the stories of other people, such as intersex lives, played in how you make decisions about your own body?
Valentina: However, this time I decided to stop taking hormones because I wanted to see my body without them, even though some changes remain a bit, which I also like. What motivated me was a story in a book called The Rebellion of the Hyenas by Mer Gómez, in which an intersex girl explains how she decided to take hormones despite not wanting to undergo any gender transition, simply to rebel against the destiny imposed on her, because as a child she had been surgically intervened so that her body wouldn’t produce so much testosterone. In other words, she was assigned ‘female’ at birth, but because she produced more testosterone than other girls, they ‘corrected’ her, literally, as if her body were a mistake. I found it very inspiring. The stories of intersex lives are a powerful window for all of us to feel freer and more connected to our bodies and how we wish to inhabit them.
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| Valentina Berr at Diari Ara. Photo by RMM. |
Monika: The journey to being our true selves often comes with a heavy price, losing friends, family, and sometimes even our jobs. What was the hardest part of coming out for you, and how did you navigate it?
Valentina: People tend to think that living openly as trans allows you to find your authentic self. The reality is that, for me, the path was somewhat the opposite. To connect with that part of me, my trans part, I had to give up many other parts of myself; I’m not just talking about people or things, but even other parts of my identity that were buried under that past. Because transitioning is like becoming a mother: once you have a child, you stop being a ‘woman’ and become a ‘mother,’ and it seems like your entire existence revolves around that. Everyone asks you about your child, talks to you about motherhood, gives you advice on what you should or shouldn’t do… and I experienced something similar in relation to being trans. Now I am trying to go back and recover those parts of myself that were left ‘lost in transition.’
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Valentina: As I was saying before, by surrounding myself with people who go beyond the norm, who embrace queerness and are generous in sharing their struggles with gender. That’s the key, because you get used to no one expecting anything from you in relation to gender; your body isn’t subjected to constant scrutiny, but rather, if anything, it is celebrated, and that gradually sticks to your skin to the point that later, when you’re in spaces where you are the only queer person, your body is full of marks of dissident euphoria, marks of queer strength. You get used to the idea that your body and your gender owe nothing to anyone. It’s not 100% foolproof, but it’s the most effective formula I’ve found to feel better, along with listening to my body and trying out the changes it asks for at the moments they’re needed.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Valentina: In Spain, in 2023, the Trans and LGBTI+ Law was approved, which is a step forward in safeguarding the autonomy of our bodies and identities, because it stops requiring trans people over 16 to undergo medicalization in order to legally transition, as long as they have documentation here. This leads me to ask whether, to understand the situation regarding transmisogyny, I should start by talking about the Trans Law or the Immigration Law. Which has a greater impact on the lives of people affected by that violence? With so many undocumented trans migrant women forced into sex work, while on the other hand governments pass laws that amount to a savage persecution that suffocates them, especially the most vulnerable workers living on the streets, and with a housing crisis that prevents them from having a decent roof over their heads… I believe trans lives, particularly trans migrant lives, deserve much more humane treatment in this country that calls itself the Kingdom of Spain. We are working on it.
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| Valentina on her podcast @larespuestaatodo at Carita Bonita bar |
Monika: The sexuality of transgender women is often a taboo subject. I’m always surprised by how many people believe we don’t have the same desires and needs as our cisgender female peers. Is it important for you to challenge these misconceptions about transgender women's sexuality?
Valentina: Of course. In fact, it was funny because the chapter of my book that required the most research was the one about sex and trans women. I realized that I myself didn’t know a lot of things! Also, as a lesbian, I’m used to having experiences questioned outside the cisheteronorm, hearing questions or comments about how lesbian sex isn’t “real sex,” and that has pushed me to be even more curious about the possibilities we’re missing out on because of sexist, binary, and cishetero gender roles.
Monika: Many detransitioners share stories of regret, often feeling that they rushed into transition or were influenced by external pressures, sometimes blaming the medical system for not guiding them more carefully. While their experiences are valid and deserve compassion, it’s also frustrating when their narratives are weaponized against transgender people who are happy with their transition. How do you feel about the way detransitioners are portrayed in public discourse, and do you think their experiences should influence how gender-affirming care is approached?
Valentina: Several things to comment on here. First, every trans experience is valid, including theirs. Second, no trans experience should be used to fuel anti-trans hate speech, because the problem isn’t being trans, the problem is gender binarism and the cisheteropatriarchy, which forces us to undergo bodily or social modifications that we may not actually want.
Monika: Do you think transfeminism offers a broader framework to also understand the experiences of detransitioners?
Valentina: From a transfeminist perspective, we defend that no one is born in the wrong body, while also pointing out how cis people have spent decades modifying their bodies to fit their genders, through hair removal, hormone treatments to become stronger, breast or facial surgeries, even penis lengthening or “vulva rejuvenation.” Trans people are just one piece of that equation, and until very recently, we were legally forced to undergo these surgeries, until 2007, and hormone treatments, until 2023, to be able to change our gender and name on official documents. Saying that “trans regret” is our fault is absurd; our project is precisely about freeing ourselves from these impositions. So I encourage anyone experiencing regret in their transition to join transfeminist movements and, from their experiences, help build a society where our material conditions of life don’t change depending on whether we take hormones, undergo surgery, or change our sex.
Monika: How do you interpret the role of the media in constructing anti-trans panic out of these narratives?
Valentina: There is a powerful media machinery eagerly exploiting these experiences to keep fueling anti-trans panic, using their voices to harm the most vulnerable lives. I myself could be considered a “detransitioner”: there are many steps I took in my transition that I wouldn’t have taken, but I would never think that trans movements forced me to do them; it’s absurd to think that way. A detransitioner’s best friend will always be the antifascist, anticapitalist, and queer struggle.
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| Photo by Celeste Bruno. |
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Valentina: I never had a great passion for the world of fashion or for how I dressed, and honestly, starting my transition didn’t bring much excitement in terms of changing my wardrobe; I experienced it more as a responsibility than as euphoria, because my physical safety literally depended on how I dressed. Even today, I still have a somewhat conflicted relationship with clothing; there are few outfits that make me feel good while also feeling physically comfortable. Let’s say I don’t feel that clothing is a part of my identity; my wardrobe choices don’t define me.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Valentina: Of course I like them! I never felt extraordinarily beautiful in my childhood or youth; I saw people around me who were much more beautiful than I was, and over the past few years I’ve been feeling that this is changing, that I’m much more at peace with myself, which makes me feel much more beautiful. So, when someone compliments me, it rather reaffirms something I already believe, and I appreciate and celebrate it. Also, with what I told you about my ups and downs with hormone treatments, I’ve gotten used to seeing how my body constantly changes, and I’ve reached the point where I can see myself as quite beautiful regardless of my appearance. Every version of me can be incredibly beautiful if I feel good. So, if someone looks at me a lot on the street, I never assume it’s for something bad; I think they’re trying to process so much beauty, haha. It’s also a good self-defense strategy against transfobic stares.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Valentina: That it was so contagious! I experienced the first steps not with shame, but with the sense that what I was doing was going to be too strange for anyone to understand, and I felt a strong need not to share myself. Now, over time, I’ve realized that, as Susy Shock said in an interview, being trans, or travesti, as she calls it, is like a mirror; it provokes in other people many questions about me that can quickly turn into questions about themselves. I’ve been able to see with my own eyes how the people around me have experienced my transition as an opportunity to question their own gender and to be a little less “cis” than they thought, embracing those life experiences that made them uncomfortable in relation to gender.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Valentina? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Valentina: My goal right now is to make it to the end of the month as a writer and communicator, which at the moment is proving to be complicated. But here I am, giving it a try! Professionally, I’m working on a very bold novel that I don’t know if it will ever see the light of day, and next year a collaborative book will be published, which I worked on this year along with several authors I selected together with the publishing house. It’s about a subject I’m passionate about: the figure of the ex-girlfriend in the lesbian/bi universe. I can’t share anything more for now, but I can assure you it will be beautiful.
Monika: Valentina, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
Valentina: Thank you for this conversation, it’s been so interesting, tender, and fun.
All the photos: courtesy of Valentina Berr.
Main photo by Gabo Caruso.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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