Monika: Today’s interview features Phoebe, a vibrant young American video blogger who documents her journey of transition on YouTube under the name Ask Phoebe, previously known as Sammy12534. Phoebe has become a voice of authenticity for many in the transgender community, sharing her experiences and thoughts on everything from fashion to family and relationships. Hello Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hi! It’s great to be here today.
Monika: Could you share a little bit about yourself and what drives you?
Phoebe: Well I’m very outgoing and some say that I’m very confident but all I see is a shy girl that speaks her mind. I enjoy pushing myself out of my comfort zone and connecting with people who understand me. Sometimes it’s hard, but the more I share, the more I realize I’m not alone. My journey has made me stronger and more passionate about living authentically.
Monika: What inspired you to share your transition journey on YouTube?
Phoebe: I was just tired of keeping it all to myself and I wanted more opinions from people from around the world. I also felt like there were so many people out there going through the same thing, and I wanted to connect with them. Sharing my experience helped me realize that I wasn’t alone in this journey. Plus, I wanted to be a voice for others who might not have the courage to speak up yet. It felt empowering to be open about it, and the feedback I’ve gotten has been incredible.
Monika: Could you share a little bit about yourself and what drives you?
Phoebe: Well I’m very outgoing and some say that I’m very confident but all I see is a shy girl that speaks her mind. I enjoy pushing myself out of my comfort zone and connecting with people who understand me. Sometimes it’s hard, but the more I share, the more I realize I’m not alone. My journey has made me stronger and more passionate about living authentically.
Monika: What inspired you to share your transition journey on YouTube?
Phoebe: I was just tired of keeping it all to myself and I wanted more opinions from people from around the world. I also felt like there were so many people out there going through the same thing, and I wanted to connect with them. Sharing my experience helped me realize that I wasn’t alone in this journey. Plus, I wanted to be a voice for others who might not have the courage to speak up yet. It felt empowering to be open about it, and the feedback I’ve gotten has been incredible.
|
| Phoebe and her nephew Rylan on Christmas. |
Monika: Can you tell us where you are in your transition journey at the moment?
Phoebe: Well right now I’m just living my life as a crossdresser but I am hoping to start hormones soon. I’ve been exploring my style and experimenting with how I present myself, which has been really liberating. I’m taking things one step at a time and trying to enjoy the process, rather than rush it. I’ve been doing a lot of research and preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the changes hormones might bring. Overall, I’m excited for what’s next but also trying to be patient with myself as I navigate this stage.
Monika: How do you feel about starting hormone therapy and the potential changes it might bring?
Phoebe: Well, I haven’t gone through hormones yet, so I can’t say for sure how I’ll feel about it. But I am definitely excited about the possibilities and what it might do for my body and mind. Hormone therapy feels like a big step, and I’m curious to see how it aligns with the changes I’ve always envisioned for myself. I know it’s not a magic fix and will take time, but I’m ready to embrace whatever comes my way. I’m mostly looking forward to the emotional and physical shifts that might help me feel more at peace with who I am.
Monika: Looking back on your childhood, when did you first feel that being a boy or man didn’t align with who you truly were?
Phoebe: Well, when I was a child, I always felt like a girl. I played with Barbies and Bratz, and I always dressed up in my mom’s clothes. I think I knew I was never a boy ever since I became friends with girls. I felt a strong connection with them and identified more with their interests and activities. While other boys were playing sports or engaging in rougher play, I found joy in doing things that felt more natural to me, like playing dress-up or talking about things that were more traditionally feminine. Even though I didn't have the language to express it at the time, I always knew deep inside that I wasn’t like the other boys around me.
Monika: Many transgender women find their school or college years to be some of the most challenging, facing discrimination and prejudice. How was your experience during that time?
Phoebe: For me, it wasn’t bad at all, but when I got into college and started going every day as myself, I did get looks and people saying things behind my back. I always tried to keep my head up and stay confident, but trust me, there were moments when I really wanted to tell them to shut up. It was hard hearing those comments, especially when I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. However, I’ve always believed in standing strong in the face of ignorance, so I tried not to let it bother me too much. As time went on, I realized that the more I lived my truth, the less it affected me.
Monika: Are there any transgender role models who have inspired you or whose journey you admire?
Phoebe: I don’t know that many, but I really admire Carmen Carrera. She’s so strong and unapologetically herself, which is something I strive for. I love how she’s carved out a successful career for herself in modeling while staying true to her identity. Honestly, I look up to anyone who doesn’t let society’s opinions stop them from being who they are. It’s incredibly empowering to see people living their authentic selves, and it helps me remember that I don’t need to conform to anyone else’s idea of who I should be.
Phoebe: Well right now I’m just living my life as a crossdresser but I am hoping to start hormones soon. I’ve been exploring my style and experimenting with how I present myself, which has been really liberating. I’m taking things one step at a time and trying to enjoy the process, rather than rush it. I’ve been doing a lot of research and preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the changes hormones might bring. Overall, I’m excited for what’s next but also trying to be patient with myself as I navigate this stage.
Monika: How do you feel about starting hormone therapy and the potential changes it might bring?
Phoebe: Well, I haven’t gone through hormones yet, so I can’t say for sure how I’ll feel about it. But I am definitely excited about the possibilities and what it might do for my body and mind. Hormone therapy feels like a big step, and I’m curious to see how it aligns with the changes I’ve always envisioned for myself. I know it’s not a magic fix and will take time, but I’m ready to embrace whatever comes my way. I’m mostly looking forward to the emotional and physical shifts that might help me feel more at peace with who I am.
Monika: Looking back on your childhood, when did you first feel that being a boy or man didn’t align with who you truly were?
Phoebe: Well, when I was a child, I always felt like a girl. I played with Barbies and Bratz, and I always dressed up in my mom’s clothes. I think I knew I was never a boy ever since I became friends with girls. I felt a strong connection with them and identified more with their interests and activities. While other boys were playing sports or engaging in rougher play, I found joy in doing things that felt more natural to me, like playing dress-up or talking about things that were more traditionally feminine. Even though I didn't have the language to express it at the time, I always knew deep inside that I wasn’t like the other boys around me.
Monika: Many transgender women find their school or college years to be some of the most challenging, facing discrimination and prejudice. How was your experience during that time?
Phoebe: For me, it wasn’t bad at all, but when I got into college and started going every day as myself, I did get looks and people saying things behind my back. I always tried to keep my head up and stay confident, but trust me, there were moments when I really wanted to tell them to shut up. It was hard hearing those comments, especially when I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. However, I’ve always believed in standing strong in the face of ignorance, so I tried not to let it bother me too much. As time went on, I realized that the more I lived my truth, the less it affected me.
Monika: Are there any transgender role models who have inspired you or whose journey you admire?
Phoebe: I don’t know that many, but I really admire Carmen Carrera. She’s so strong and unapologetically herself, which is something I strive for. I love how she’s carved out a successful career for herself in modeling while staying true to her identity. Honestly, I look up to anyone who doesn’t let society’s opinions stop them from being who they are. It’s incredibly empowering to see people living their authentic selves, and it helps me remember that I don’t need to conform to anyone else’s idea of who I should be.
|
| She is so happy with her life so far. |
Monika: What were the biggest challenges you faced during your coming out process?
Phoebe: The hardest thing is for my family to keep calling me a boy or by my male name. It’s just really annoying. I know they love me, but it still hurts every time it happens. I feel like I’m constantly having to remind them of who I really am, and sometimes it feels like they don’t really understand. It’s tough because I want their acceptance and support, but it takes time for them to adjust, and I have to be patient with that. Despite the challenges, I know that my transition is ultimately for me, and I keep pushing forward, hoping they’ll catch up.
Monika: How do you feel about the current challenges transgender women face in American society?
Phoebe: Well I don’t know that much but I do think it’s really hard for us to fit in because some have really low voices and it makes it so much harder to fit in and make us believable women. People often judge us based on appearances or voices before they get to know us, which can be discouraging. There are definitely moments when it feels like society isn’t ready to fully accept us, no matter how much progress has been made. But I do think that the visibility of transgender women, especially those who are outspoken, is helping to change people's perspectives. As more of us share our stories, it gives others the courage to live authentically too. It’s still a struggle, but we’re slowly making strides.
Monika: How would you describe your style, and do you have any fashion preferences or trends that you love to follow?
Phoebe: I do, but I don’t have enough money to buy that many name brands. I mainly just wear clothes that seem really cute and show my curves. lol. I like experimenting with different looks, mixing casual with a touch of glam. I’m all about finding affordable pieces that still make me feel confident. Dresses are my go-to because they’re so versatile and feminine, but I also love cute skirts and fitted tops. It’s all about comfort and feeling good in what I wear, regardless of the price tag!
Monika: What are your thoughts on transgender beauty pageants, and do you think they contribute to changing societal perceptions of transgender women?
Phoebe: I love them; it just shows that we aren’t any more different from a real natural-born woman. It’s really empowering to see transgender women being recognized for their beauty and talent, and it helps challenge stereotypes. These pageants not only celebrate physical beauty but also promote confidence and resilience in the face of adversity. I think they offer a great platform for visibility and acceptance, especially in a world where transgender people are often marginalized. Ultimately, it’s about showcasing the diverse experiences and journeys that make us who we are.
Monika: How involved are you in the local LGBT community, and do you feel a connection to it?
Phoebe: Not really, because I don’t have much time to help out but if I had time available I would. I would love to meet more people like me. It would be great to find a supportive group where I could share experiences and learn from others. I think being part of a community like that can really help with the sense of belonging, especially when you feel like you're navigating everything on your own. I’m sure it would also open doors to new friendships and connections that would be important as I continue my transition. Hopefully, in the future, I’ll be able to dedicate more time to it and give back to the community.
Phoebe: The hardest thing is for my family to keep calling me a boy or by my male name. It’s just really annoying. I know they love me, but it still hurts every time it happens. I feel like I’m constantly having to remind them of who I really am, and sometimes it feels like they don’t really understand. It’s tough because I want their acceptance and support, but it takes time for them to adjust, and I have to be patient with that. Despite the challenges, I know that my transition is ultimately for me, and I keep pushing forward, hoping they’ll catch up.
Monika: How do you feel about the current challenges transgender women face in American society?
Phoebe: Well I don’t know that much but I do think it’s really hard for us to fit in because some have really low voices and it makes it so much harder to fit in and make us believable women. People often judge us based on appearances or voices before they get to know us, which can be discouraging. There are definitely moments when it feels like society isn’t ready to fully accept us, no matter how much progress has been made. But I do think that the visibility of transgender women, especially those who are outspoken, is helping to change people's perspectives. As more of us share our stories, it gives others the courage to live authentically too. It’s still a struggle, but we’re slowly making strides.
Monika: How would you describe your style, and do you have any fashion preferences or trends that you love to follow?
Phoebe: I do, but I don’t have enough money to buy that many name brands. I mainly just wear clothes that seem really cute and show my curves. lol. I like experimenting with different looks, mixing casual with a touch of glam. I’m all about finding affordable pieces that still make me feel confident. Dresses are my go-to because they’re so versatile and feminine, but I also love cute skirts and fitted tops. It’s all about comfort and feeling good in what I wear, regardless of the price tag!
Monika: What are your thoughts on transgender beauty pageants, and do you think they contribute to changing societal perceptions of transgender women?
Phoebe: I love them; it just shows that we aren’t any more different from a real natural-born woman. It’s really empowering to see transgender women being recognized for their beauty and talent, and it helps challenge stereotypes. These pageants not only celebrate physical beauty but also promote confidence and resilience in the face of adversity. I think they offer a great platform for visibility and acceptance, especially in a world where transgender people are often marginalized. Ultimately, it’s about showcasing the diverse experiences and journeys that make us who we are.
Monika: How involved are you in the local LGBT community, and do you feel a connection to it?
Phoebe: Not really, because I don’t have much time to help out but if I had time available I would. I would love to meet more people like me. It would be great to find a supportive group where I could share experiences and learn from others. I think being part of a community like that can really help with the sense of belonging, especially when you feel like you're navigating everything on your own. I’m sure it would also open doors to new friendships and connections that would be important as I continue my transition. Hopefully, in the future, I’ll be able to dedicate more time to it and give back to the community.
|
| Phoebe and her two closest friends. |
Monika: Do you see yourself getting married and starting a family in the future? And how would you describe the role of love in your life?
Phoebe: I do, but not anytime soon. I’ve never had a good time in love. Most guys I meet only want sex and no men want a relationship anymore. It’s frustrating because I long for a real connection and someone who will value me for who I am, not just for how I look. I know there are people out there who feel the same way, but it’s hard to find them in today’s world, especially with the focus on casual dating. When I do find that person, I want to be ready to open up and build something meaningful together. Until then, I’m focused on my own growth and being happy on my own.
Phoebe: I do, but not anytime soon. I’ve never had a good time in love. Most guys I meet only want sex and no men want a relationship anymore. It’s frustrating because I long for a real connection and someone who will value me for who I am, not just for how I look. I know there are people out there who feel the same way, but it’s hard to find them in today’s world, especially with the focus on casual dating. When I do find that person, I want to be ready to open up and build something meaningful together. Until then, I’m focused on my own growth and being happy on my own.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who are feeling fearful about transitioning early due to potential discrimination or hatred?
Phoebe: I would say if you are afraid just wait and in the meantime dress up and have fun at night time; no one will know. But if you are even too afraid to do that just do it in your room and just express yourself. Create a YouTube channel and get out there. Trust me, it gets better. Don’t let the fear control you; take small steps, even if it's just privately expressing who you are. Start with what feels safe, and slowly build your confidence over time. Surround yourself with supportive people who will lift you up instead of tearing you down. Always remember, you are not alone, there are communities out there waiting for you. Don’t rush your journey, but never forget that you are worth living authentically.
Monika: What are your immediate next steps in your transition, and where do you envision yourself in the next 5-7 years?
Phoebe: In the present, my next step is to get on hormones. In 5-7 years I see myself in a relationship, hopefully engaged or married, and fully transitioned. I also hope to have built a stronger presence on YouTube, helping others who are on a similar journey. I imagine myself more confident in my own skin and living the life I’ve always dreamed of. My ultimate goal is to continue advocating for transgender rights and visibility, while also focusing on my personal happiness and growth. I want to feel truly free to express myself in every aspect of my life, both in relationships and in my career.
Phoebe: I would say if you are afraid just wait and in the meantime dress up and have fun at night time; no one will know. But if you are even too afraid to do that just do it in your room and just express yourself. Create a YouTube channel and get out there. Trust me, it gets better. Don’t let the fear control you; take small steps, even if it's just privately expressing who you are. Start with what feels safe, and slowly build your confidence over time. Surround yourself with supportive people who will lift you up instead of tearing you down. Always remember, you are not alone, there are communities out there waiting for you. Don’t rush your journey, but never forget that you are worth living authentically.
Monika: What are your immediate next steps in your transition, and where do you envision yourself in the next 5-7 years?
Phoebe: In the present, my next step is to get on hormones. In 5-7 years I see myself in a relationship, hopefully engaged or married, and fully transitioned. I also hope to have built a stronger presence on YouTube, helping others who are on a similar journey. I imagine myself more confident in my own skin and living the life I’ve always dreamed of. My ultimate goal is to continue advocating for transgender rights and visibility, while also focusing on my personal happiness and growth. I want to feel truly free to express myself in every aspect of my life, both in relationships and in my career.
Monika: Looking at where you are today, would you say that you’re truly happy with who you are now?
Phoebe: Yes, I would, even though there are days that I just hate life, but I always pull through it with the help of my YouTube family and my friends. There’s still so much to figure out, but overall, I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Every day I feel like I’m getting closer to being the person I’ve always wanted to be. Even though the road hasn’t been easy, it’s been worth it, and I’m starting to embrace who I really am. I think the key to happiness for me has been learning how to find strength within myself, but also knowing when to lean on others.
Monika: Sammy, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
All the photos: courtesy of Phoebe (Sammy12534).
© 2013 - Monika Kowalska
