Ellen Jean Krug is a lawyer, author, and transgender activist whose life story is one of resilience, honesty, and transformation. Born in Newark, New Jersey in 1956, she grew up in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where she graduated from Coe College in 1979 before earning her Juris Doctor from Boston College Law School. After building a successful career in civil trial law, Ellen made history in 2009 when she became the first attorney in Iowa to conduct jury trials in separate genders following her transition. Two years later, she began serving as the first executive director of Call for Justice, LLC, a Minneapolis nonprofit that helps low-income individuals connect with legal resources, making her the only transgender person at the time to lead a nonprofit in the city not specifically focused on LGBT issues. In addition to her legal and nonprofit work, Ellen has shared her personal journey with remarkable candor in her memoir Getting to Ellen: A Memoir about Love, Honesty and Gender Change, published in 2013.
She also became a columnist for Lavender Magazine, where her award-winning series Skirting the Issues reached a wide audience and offered a thoughtful voice on gender, identity, and inclusion. By 2013, Ellen had established herself as a sought-after speaker, appearing at universities, community events, and national platforms, including Iowa State University’s Transgender Day of Remembrance. Ellen’s visibility has also extended to national and local media, where she has been featured in the Huffington Post, the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Lion’s Roar, and on Iowa Public Radio. She has spoken openly about the challenges and rewards of her transition, offering a deeply personal perspective that resonates far beyond the transgender community. Her journey highlights the power of authenticity and the importance of creating space for compassion and understanding in society. Through her work and her words, Ellen has become not only an advocate for transgender rights but also a voice for human connection and dignity.
Monika: Hello Ellen! It is such a pleasure and honor to finally meet you and have the opportunity to talk with you today. I have been looking forward to this conversation for quite some time, and I am excited to hear your thoughts and reflections on your journey, your work, and your life.
Ellen: Hello Monika! Thank you so much for inviting me. I’m truly honored to be here and grateful for the chance to share my story with your readers. Conversations like this give me hope that together we can create more understanding and kindness in the world.
Monika: Looking back, how would you describe the path your professional career has taken?
Ellen: Oh, it’s been a career that literally spans two lives. When I was a boy (I like to use the phrases “boy” and “girl” because they seem more innocent), I had always wanted to be a lawyer. At first, that career goal was driven by altruism. I wanted to change the world, just like Bobby Kennedy wanted. Bobby Kennedy, President Kennedy’s younger brother, had been a lawyer. He too wanted to effect much positive change, and he did that by talking about the plight of the poor and people of color.
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| "Getting to Ellen". |
Monika: What drew you toward trial law once you entered law school?
Ellen: After I started law school, my goals shifted. I still wanted to be a lawyer, but then I became more interested in being a trial attorney. Eventually, I did just that. However, by then I was somewhat jaundiced about the world since Reagan had been elected president, and my attention turned to making money. That continued for a couple of decades.
Monika: How did your personal struggles begin to affect your professional life?
Ellen: I was good at both trial work and making money. When my gender issues started to surface with great ferocity, I spent more and more time at the office as a way to occupy my mind and avoid dealing with those issues. Of course, that didn’t work very well.
Monika: And what turning points did you experience afterward?
Ellen: In 2009, I began to transition from boy to girl. By then, I had a law firm that represented many big and powerful companies. Most of my clients were afraid to use a transgender lawyer, so my law firm ended.
Monika: How did you redirect your energy and purpose after such a major change in your life and career?
Ellen: After I surgically transitioned, I went back to Goal No. 1, seeking to change the world. I am now doing that by working as the executive director of a small nonprofit that helps low-income people connect with legal resources in the Twin Cities in the United States. For example, we helped a program that served 80 women and 50 children connect with two large law firms, and now those women and children have regular access to attorneys. That, in my view, is far more rewarding than when I earned much more money, at least until I have to pay my bills.
Monika: What motivated you to write your autobiography, Getting to Ellen: A Memoir about Love, Honesty and Gender Change?
Ellen: There were a couple of reasons. First, I wanted my children, two daughters now in their early twenties, and my ex-wife, Lydia, to understand that I really had no “choice” about transitioning. I wanted them to see that gender isn’t something one simply chooses.
Monika: How did your family relationships influence your decision to write the book?
Ellen: There has been so much loss in what was once the most loving and close family. I just had to explain why I hurt three people I love so very, very much. I am still in love with Lydia, but she has since remarried, and I am happy for her that she found someone else to love.
Monika: Did you have other reasons for sharing your story beyond your family?
Ellen: I wrote Getting to Ellen because transgender people need to hear about transgender success stories. I wanted others like me to understand that with much luck and hard work, which includes self-honesty and resiliency, it is possible to live as your true self and survive. Many trans people don’t believe they can get to the other side. Yes, there is likely much loss and loneliness through that process, but I found it quite worth it. There is so much value in living as your true authentic self.
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| Back cover of "Getting to Ellen". |
Monika: How did you hope your book would resonate with readers outside the transgender community?
Ellen: I wrote my book because I wanted to connect with the larger community of humans. I hoped that everyone who read Getting to Ellen, whether they are LGBT or not, would understand that we all share common hopes, desires, burdens, and demons.
Monika: Have you found that your message reached the broader audience you hoped for?
Ellen: As it turns out, most people who read Getting to Ellen are not trans or LGBT. Instead, they are straight, and they identify with the struggle to be true to oneself. This is a universal message, and in my view, it is incredibly powerful.
Monika: Many transgender women describe their school and college years as particularly challenging due to discrimination and social pressures. Was that also the case for you?
Ellen: Not really. While my gender issues began to surface when I was a young boy, I didn’t understand them fully. It wasn’t until I was in my early forties, and I am now 56, that I even called myself “transgender.” In the 1970s and ’80s, it simply wasn’t possible for me to imagine actually becoming the female person who roamed through my spirit.
Monika: Could you tell me at what point you first recognized that you might be something other than male, and how that led to your transition?
Ellen: I was 36 years old the first time I ever talked to anyone about thinking that maybe I might be something other than male. Those discussions were with a therapist who, while very committed to me, had never treated a transgender person.
Monika: How did you explore your gender identity in the years that followed?
Ellen: When I was 45, I went to a support group named the “Gender Puzzle” at the University of Iowa. I learned that not only are there male-to-female trans people but female-to-male as well. I spent the next several years trying to leave Lydia and trying to figure out if I was a gay man or if, instead, I really was female. Needless to say, it was a time of great confusion, isolation, and emotional suffering. I suffered, and those around me, particularly Lydia and my then-teenage daughters, suffered. I’m glad all of that is over.
Monika: Who were the people who supported you most during this challenging time?
Ellen: Yes, I had wonderful support from several people. One person was my younger brother, Mark, who started calling me “Sis” long before anyone else ever acknowledged me as female. Mark has been incredible.
Monika: Did you have friends who were there for you during your transition?
Ellen: Another key supporter was my best friend, Dennis Tharp, whom I nicknamed “Thap” long ago. Thap and I have been friends for 43 years. We were on the same high school football team. Thap was such a good friend that he traveled with me to interview surgeons when I was investigating sex reassignment surgery. Now that’s a heck of a best friend.
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| With her friends Joe Jennison and Joe Clark. |
Monika: How did Thap support you emotionally during the hardest times?
Ellen: Thap helped me through many very difficult emotional times. Often, when I felt unloved, alone, and lost, I called Thap and asked him to simply say, “I love you, Ellie.” He would do that. We have a platonic relationship in case anyone wonders. Thap is married with four children, to whom I am “Aunt Ellen.”
Monika: Did your family also help you?
Ellen: Yes, the third person who supported me was my youngest daughter, Lily, who is now 21 and a college senior. Early on, she told me that she “understood” my need to express the real me. She came to live with me for the last three years of high school because she felt comfortable in my house.
As I was transitioning, she championed me. She complained to Lydia when Lydia continued to use my male name. She made Lydia promise to use only my female name when referring to me, and for a 17-year-old to stand up to her mother like that was quite remarkable. Lily now lives in the Twin Cities not far from my condo.
Monika: Did you have professional support as well during this time?
Ellen: I was lucky to find the right therapist. Samantha, whom I nicknamed “Sam the Hammer,” pushed me at the right times and hugged me at others. I wouldn’t have made it without her. All in all, I have been very, very lucky to have so many people support me. I have great gratitude for that.
Monika: During your transition, did you have any transgender role models to look up to, and how familiar were you with transgender experiences at that time?
Ellen: Yes. I thought that Chaz Bono was a wonderful role model. He had much to lose but lived his life genuinely anyway. I also read Jennifer Finney Boylan’s book, She’s Not There, which helped me focus on the need to transition. Although I must say, I thought that Jennifer seemed to gloss over the hurt and difficulty associated with transitioning while married.
Monika: Many transgender women face pressure to “pass” as female. As someone who has navigated this experience, what advice would you give to those who fear they might not pass?
Ellen: Well, I’ve learned that not everyone actually cares about passing. Many trans people do care, but some do not. I try to be careful about making generalizations. I am particularly sensitive to that since I’m a writer, and many people seem to think that I speak for all trans people. I do not.
Monika: How has your own experience with passing affected you personally?
Ellen: I also appreciate the compliment, Monika, but while I seem to pass physically, and that was with the help of much facial feminization, my voice is still far too masculine. It always gives me away. I have spent much time trying to feminize my voice, but it hasn’t helped very much. As a result, many times people give me what I call “the look,” a pained pause when they realize that my appearance doesn’t match my voice. Even after three years post-transition, it is still very hard for me to take, and I am a pretty strong person.
Monika: Looking back, what was the most difficult part of coming out as your true self?
Ellen: Leaving Lydia, my soul mate. I miss her every day. I also hurt my oldest daughter, Emily. However, she seems to be more accepting of me as she grows older. I am thankful for that.
Monika: How do you see the current situation for transgender women in American society, both in terms of acceptance and challenges?
Ellen: It’s a mixed landscape. I believe that many in society genuinely want to get it right with trans people, and they desire to be open and accepting. From my speaking events, I’ve found that people are simply thirsty for information about what it means to be trans. They want to know how to be respectful and understanding.
Monika: Are there still significant societal obstacles or prejudices that transgender women face?
Ellen: There is a reactionary segment of society, including religious, conservative, and macho groups, that views trans women in particular as “freaks” or something to abhor. I fear that Bradley Manning’s recent coming out as a transwoman will feed into this segment’s fears and prejudices. While I certainly support Manning’s desire to be true to herself, her coming out will likely be seized by the ultra-right as a reason to argue that trans people, and transwomen in particular, should not have a place at the table.
END OF PART 1
All the photos: courtesy of Ellen Krug.
© 2013 - Monika Kowalska
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