Monika: Today I am chatting with Riley, an American woman who chronicles her transition on social media. Hello Riley! Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Riley: Of course, thank you for the invitation.
Monika: Could you please introduce yourself and your background?
Riley: I am not sure where to begin, but I will try to keep it brief. I am a 25-year-old wife and mother. I was a lifelong member of the Mormon church and even voluntarily worked for them full-time for two years across Southern Japan in my early adulthood. However, from as young as I can remember, I have had gender dysphoria. This caused internal hatred, pain, and confusion because Mormons aren’t allowed to transition and are told that God doesn’t make mistakes with gender. I felt completely alone and broken. As an adult, after much study of the religion’s historical inaccuracies, I was able to deconstruct my belief in the Mormon church. Once I left the religion, I realized transition was now an option, but felt like it was too late since my wife was expecting and I was worried that transition would cause a divorce and complicate my son’s life. After my son was born, the dysphoria-induced depression reached its peak.
My lifeline was my wife, who knew something was wrong even when I didn’t speak it out loud to her. Eventually I did open up to her about wanting to transition, and she told me that she would be there to support me since she knew it would be best for me. She had a similar background to mine in the Mormon church, but grew up struggling with feelings of attraction to women which had never been resolved. Now we are both free to be ourselves and have never been happier together.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about coming out?
Riley: Growing up, my parents would often say that they do not care what I do in life so long as I don’t leave the Mormon church and am not gay. Because my family are all church members, their beliefs prevent them from being supportive. This has caused a lot of heartache and pain since I barely speak to any of my family of origin after transition. This has definitely been the hardest part of coming out.
Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition?
Riley: My wife was not because she could tell I was struggling, but my immediate family were all very shocked. As a child, I disguised any signs that I felt feminine, so they were caught off guard. I was probably the only trans person they’d ever met in real life since I grew up in conservative, rural Idaho.
Monika: What inspired you to share your intimate life moments on social media?
Riley: I used to go back and forth on how I wanted to approach online interactions post-transition. I think it would have been easier for me to live my life under the radar and not interact with the online community. However, so many people who have chosen to share about their lives online have been inspirations to me and I wanted to do the same for others. Right now I mainly share on a platform devoid of any identifying information which allows me to share about my experiences without compromising my safety, but I have had several posts spread to other sites where people I know saw the content. I have received some transphobic comments towards me and my family from my online presence, but the vast majority of feedback has been positive, which makes me proud to unapologetically be myself.
Monika: Do you get many questions from your social media followers? What do they ask for?
Riley: People online ask me a lot of questions on a wide variety of topics. Many other trans women are curious about specifics of my hormone regimen. The questions that impact me the most are when people are looking for guidance on how to come out to their spouse, since that’s such a unique and difficult situation to navigate. I am always happy to help in these situations because I know firsthand how difficult of a circumstance it is.
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| "People online ask me a lot of questions on a wide variety of topics." |
Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?
Riley: I am very satisfied. My second puberty hit me hard and fast. It might sound odd, but I hadn't planned on coming out nearly as soon as I did due to the quick changes I experienced. I lived in Texas when I started transitioning where it definitely would not have been safe for me to fully present as a woman until I could pass. Between losing weight and taking HRT, I was getting comments from neighbors about how different I looked about two months after beginning treatment, so I decided to come out.
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Riley: We are oftentimes our greatest motivator and worst critic. In my everyday life, I am fortunate to live stealth, but even so I have a bad habit of dwelling on the features that I feel were affected by my first puberty. No matter what your starting point is, I think the best thing you can do is set healthy goals and expectations for yourself, plus of course being kind to yourself.
That being said, for some people, depending on where they live, passing can be a matter of life or death. So if someone early in transition asked me for general passibility advice, I would say that a huge part that is often overlooked is voice training. In my experience, it is a somewhat similar concept to language learning. You will most likely sound absolutely ridiculous at first, but the more you practice, the right habits will become muscle memory and eventually second nature.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Riley: I remember it vividly. Growing up, I had a rough time with gender dysphoria. From the time I was four, I regularly dressed in girls' clothes in private and had a great desire to live life as a girl – to the point that it caused me huge distress. As I got a bit older, I would routinely pray that I would wake up the next morning as a girl, and if that weren’t possible, I would at least ask God to let me be one in my dream. As a young teen I thought I was broken and a disgusting person for my feelings. I was too afraid to confess my dysphoric thoughts and actions to the pastor (which is required in Mormonism to be forgiven by God), so I was convinced I was going to hell.
When I was around 13 or 14, I stumbled across a documentary about transgender kids. I heard their stories and was taken aback because every single thing they felt aligned with my experience. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel so disgusting, alone, or broken. Despite the fact that I thought transition would not be possible for me (because it was strictly forbidden in my religion), the documentary helped me know that there are people like me and that it was okay.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Riley: I think right now is rather bleak. 2023 marked a record number of bills introduced in the United States specifically targeted at transgender individuals. It breaks my heart to think that if people would listen to transgender individuals, many legal issues could be avoided. Many of the loudest voices in American politics on trans issues are people who’ve most likely never known, noticed, or interacted with a transgender individual. They are trying to write laws that are either intentionally malicious or woefully ignorant to attack the strawman concept of what “transgenderism” is in their mind. I hope that we will soon turn a corner and that the worst is over. My generation and the rising one give me hope for the future, but it is hard to have hope when presently there are so many hostile attitudes.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Riley: I really enjoy having a much larger variety of clothing open to me now than before transition, but I wouldn’t necessarily say I am into fashion as a hobby. I typically try to dress my age and also account for the fact that I am a mom.
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| "I do not know where I would be without my wife." |
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Riley: I wish I could say I was exciting in this way, but I honestly don’t experiment much. I don’t attend many events I get dressed up for, so I have settled into my everyday style. At most, my look varies based on what color eyeshadow I wear or whether I feel like doing full eye makeup or just mascara that day.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Riley: That is an interesting question. I work in biotech and I feel like I have found myself in more situations where people talk down to me or assume I don’t know something since I am a woman, whereas before I more frequently had the impression that people overestimated my knowledge. I don’t experience this in relation to people knowing I am transgender, but rather just as a gender issue.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Riley: I would strongly suggest making sure you are in an environment that you know will be comfortable with transition before you start. I have heard horror stories from people who lost their jobs due to transition. When I started HRT, I worked at a small company in Texas. I did not feel it was a comfortable environment for transition, so before transitioning I left the company and started a remote job based out of San Francisco. With this new position, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience in how they handled my coming out. Those who know have been highly supportive and accepting for which I am grateful.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Riley: I do not know where I would be without my wife. We have been just about as inseparable as people can be since we started dating when I was 17 years old. The most heartbreaking moment of my life was when I had to leave her to go to Japan, during which I was only allowed to contact her via email for an hour each week. Our joint LGBT experience and life journey are a perfect fit and I could not dream of a better partner to spend my life with. To me, the purpose of life centers around joy and fulfillment, and I cannot think of any source of greater joy than when I am with her and my son.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Riley: I’m an idea-oriented person, so it’s definitely something I’ve considered, but I’ve also considered so many things! Right now my life is fairly busy taking care of my toddler son, but perhaps later in life when things are less busy I might.
Monika: What would you tell transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Riley: We only get one life to live and our bodies are the vehicle from which we experience life. Because of the brevity of our lives on Earth, I believe we should live for ourselves and not the expectations of others. At the end of the day, it’s better to be hated for being who you are than to be loved for who you are not.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Riley: I agree wholeheartedly. I am currently living a life I could have only dreamt of when I was younger and I truly feel that my life began within the past few years. Before any physical changes, the first effects I noticed on HRT were all mental – I felt like a brain fog dispersed and I could think clearly. I noticed that it was as if my brain had been running off the wrong fuel my whole life. I thought to myself, “Is this how people are supposed to feel?” For the first time in my life I actually looked forward to the future. Things have only gotten better from that moment, and I expect that to continue. Transition was the beginning of my life, and I wake up grateful every morning for another day that I get to live as myself.
Monika: Riley, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Riley: It is my pleasure, thank you again for the invitation.
All the photos: courtesy of Riley.
© 2024 - Monika Kowalska
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