Monika: Did she leave?
Dana: She leaned back with her eyes piercing into mine. I felt like I had just broken something. Maybe her. Maybe me. Probably both of us. The fantasy washed away, leaving me to see her -really see her- and to reveal a deep pain that she seemed too comfortable in wearing. Krystal looked away at some Eiffel Tower print on the wall. Despair and loneliness ran down her face, an expressionlessly numb-looking face. I didn't know what to do. She was bleeding out of the darkness from a wound that I had just given her.
I had prayed for Krystal to be my everything... a lover, friend, teacher, companion, confidante... but she was also something else, more importantly. She was a mirror. My mirror. And this darkness... I didn't just see it. I didn't just feel it. I absorbed it. And it terrified me into submission. My transness, my very being, now belonged in a nuclear waste dump, buried deep within, under layer after layer of reinforced concrete. And so I ran away. For decades. What was so bad you might ask? What was my worst fear? Well... that this darkness would come for me someday. I still think of Krystal from time to time. I hope she is still out there, somewhere. I hope that she is alright.
Monika: Are there any transgender role models that you follow or followed?
Dana: First, let me just say that all trans people living their truth, will be role models for me, in some form or another. I learn so much, especially from the transwomen who are prolific on Instagram. However, there is a woman who I've watched for a long time and her visibility influenced me deeply. Meghan Chavalier. She was best known as an adult film actress in the 90s and 2000s.
I wish there had been other practical ways to have seen trans women back when I was growing up, but there weren't. Back in the 80s and 90s, trans women generally didn't advertise their identities. From what poor information the early Internet provided, my first assumption of trans people was that they solely existed in nightclubs mixed in with drag queens, crossdressers, and elements of the LGBT community. Like some underground vampire society level of secrecy.
To find more info about trans, I thought that I might have to venture into Los Angeles and have myself a good old-fashioned Ann Rice vampire adventure. And then.... here came Meghan. She was in adult content but there were also rumors of regular photos of her floating around the internet. I started scavenger-hunting for her personal photos. And that's where a big switch flipped inside of me. I found photos of her going to what seemed like music festivals and road trips in 1990-92. She was a young woman in the world, just doing her thing. In broad daylight. In public. Living her life. With friends... She had friends!
I wanted to be like her and have friends too! That was a fantasy that eclipsed all others in my life. It was a dream that transcended my various relationships, a mist that flowed through my life's peaks and valleys. It would fade away but always come back, stronger and more vivid. Meghan living her life on that fantasy road trip to a music festival was enough to be a role model for me. She was trans and she was doing it. Living it. Making it happen. It wasn't just inspirational, it changed me. A year later, when I gave myself permission to be myself and started transitioning, that fantasy road trip was right there. Meghan was right there.
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| "I love fashion! My social calendar is framed around what I'm going to wear." |
Dana:
There has been a resurgence and pushback on progress and achievements made by LGBTQ+ communities, and it deeply affects trans folks. I think that in addition to political activism, members of LGBTQ+ communities need to advocate for ourselves better with the public at large. Our lives, problems, and struggles need to be better humanized with average people, most of whom are not well-versed in LGBTQ+ and trans issues.
The information is out there so it's not about education. It's about giving a shit. And well, many people don't care because they don't know any trans people or know anything about it. It's usually out of sight, out of mind. Then one day, a young transwoman wins in a competitive sport and someone calls it unfair. It makes the news and that's all the average person knows about trans people.
This will always go bad for us because all it takes is a couple of hateful people to create fear, by taking advantage of the public's ignorance. The more the public gets to know more and more trans people, which takes some courage for us to come out of our little bubbles or safe spaces, the more we will be understood, cared for, and receive the empathy that is so desperately needed.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Dana:
I love fashion! My social calendar is framed around what I'm going to wear. First, I love red! It really pops on me and it is a way to push myself to be seen, to be visible. When you're a 6'3 woman in red, you will be seen. On a daily basis, I'm fairly casual with cuffed jeans, ballet flats, and hoodies. If I'm going out socially but still casual, I usually have a lipstick tomboy look going on. Think a backwards baseball cap, a jersey top, daisy dukes, and some red sketcher sneakers - with lots of make-up, lots of leg. I usually do my best to keep attention away from my shoulders. So, I'm a fan of off-the-shoulder T-shirts, cold shoulder tops, and low V necklines.
If I'm going out on a more formal date or something, I've been wearing wigs with cloth headbands. The headbands are great because they accessorize nicely and can easily hide seams on cheap wigs. A headband can let you get away with a $10-20 dollar wig in public. For formal wear, I've been enjoying long tunic tops that almost look like dresses, and then leggings underneath. I sometimes wear heels in public, if so, always 2" kitten heels. I do love my jean jackets as well!. The one thing I haven't really had the courage to do thus far is wear an actual dress or skirt in public. It's a level of attention that I'm not quite ready for, at the moment.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Dana:
Honestly, not really. Not at first. Timewise, I've only been doing make-up for less than a couple of years, and really only nailed a look that I liked within the past year. I've spent most of my time repping out that the same look. Over and over, and over. Many times a week over a long period of time. My initial priority was just to have proficiency with the basics. I'm confident that I have that at this point and I am venturing out and trying new things. So in the future, maybe I will be more 'experimental!' However, I have no illusions about having make-up artist levels skills. If I happen to be in the company of some amazingly done-up women, I just want to be able to hold my own, and not look like a complete trash cat.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Dana:
What girl doesn't like that? Ha! I think we all want to feel pretty, and let me tell you, compliments really hit the spot. But, I do have some issues that make me uncomfortable with some forms of compliments. First is a common thing I get from other transwomen in my Instagram messages, which often is framed by drawing a physical comparison between me and them. That can quickly get awkward.
Second, and more serious, is when I date men and they go overboard with compliments about my looks. It feels as though they aren't really 'seeing' me and I am being objectified. As if they are seeing the fantasy they want to see and have no other curiosity about me (my likes, my interests, desires, etc.). It's enough of a problem that I'll stop dating guys for a while, and just stick to women.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Dana:
I haven't had that come up yet. I have worked for the same company before and after my transition. My job had furloughed me during the Covid shutdown and then brought me and the same people back. When they did, I immediately came out to my manager, who was extremely supportive. I explained that transitioning is permanent for me and the sooner that my department and team knew my circumstances, the better.
My current employer isn't a company that you just jump ship and job search whenever. They have a strong LGBT culture so I felt relatively safe coming out. It's fairly special so I am expecting to stay there long-term and be working with all of the same people for a long time. I wanted to make that switch as soon as possible because I knew that it would take my team time to adjust to their new perception of me. I am generally a pretty open person. I worked it out with my boss that I would do a Zoom call to announce the change.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Dana:
I am of the opinion that 'being out' and transparent is generally the best policy when looking for employment. Honesty might cost some opportunities but will usually ensure that you'll eventually find the right fit with an employer. But there are a lot of nuances here too. If you haven't begun transitioning, do you disclose that? I wouldn't. Or what about if you have been long transitioned, and are not visibly transgender? I wouldn't necessarily disclose here, either. Transparency should be limited to the employer interacting with you, which requires some basic sensitivities to transgender issues during the course of you doing your job.
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| "What I can say is that living my life as a woman has been the best thing for me." |
Dana:
Getting involved later in life, during mid-career, has been challenging. It's usually just work, work, work for me! However, I am involved in a couple of support groups and do go out with other trans friends around West Hollywood. There are also opportunities to get involved at work so I am looking forward to doing much more participating. I am usually open to more involvement when time and opportunity permit.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Dana: We all need love! I don't believe that there's a substitute. Love is critical and you quickly learn how important it is when you lose it. Sure, family might disappear, but the idea of a chosen family is real and can shore up a lot of the innate love that was lost. I meet more and more good people every day and can see that maybe I can celebrate future holidays- not by myself.
When it comes to love and intimacy, the dabbling in dating has shown me that I am in demand. I think it's important for us all to know that we are wanted...that someone out there desires us. Love is a spice of life that makes us all feel a little more alive. Love doesn't always fall into our laps, causing us to think that maybe it doesn't exist. However, I think that constantly putting oneself out there, socially, will eventually land something special for everybody.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Dana: That sounds like fun! Maybe someday. Life will need to slow down a bit.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Dana:
Life is quite hectic at the present. I have a novel that I'm about through editing and hoping that I can get it published. In addition, I have a life to rebuild. New family to discover. My kids. There is still time to have a dream or two come true.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Dana: I can understand anyone who is afraid. I was afraid too and it kept me a prisoner for decades. However, giving in to this fear was a mistake because living inauthentically ate away at me. Trying to be someone else, for the sake of others, damaged me in so many ways. What I can say is that living my life as a woman has been the best thing for me. I'm happier, healthier, and more capable as a human being than I ever was living as a man.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Dana: I agree to an extent. Our lives are much more than seeking out surgeries. Medical procedures can help a lot but they are just tools for our journeys. Our journey is to live our lives as ourselves, to the best ability we can. If surgery helps with that, great! But I understand that it's not for everyone and that's ok too. These are deeply personal, deeply intimate, journeys. What we choose to do isn't just a choice, it is to complete a missing part of us.
Monika: Dana, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Dana: Thank you so much, Monika! It's been a pleasure chatting with you. I hope that your interview blog stays around for a long time, to be discovered by anyone who is lost or curious, in hopes that it helps them find their way.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Dana Day.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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