Monika: Today I have invited Dana Day, an American transgender woman that documents her transition on social media. Hello Dana!
Dana: Hi Monika! And thank you for your interest in my journey!
Monika: Could you say a few words about yourself?
Dana: I'm 42 years old and rebuilding my life. Essentially starting life over but this time, as myself. It's taken me a long time to find self-acceptance, but when I did, the decision to transition was an obvious one. The real me has always been creative and imaginative, but somewhere along my many lost years, I sold my soul for security and financial gain.
I buried my identity because of my desperation for acceptance from others. So in a broad sense, my journey to transition involves much more than just medically transitioning. It is a long walk down a path where I eagerly relinquish my past burdens and expectations and take my newfound energy to grow, to blossom, to finally... buy my soul back.
Monika: What inspired you to share your intimate life moments on social media?
Dana: In my opinion, the most powerful tool for any transgender person, to bring to bear, is simply being visible for others to see. It is a statement so moving, that the foundations of society crumble at the edges. Just the acknowledgment of our existence pushes civilization to grow up.
There have been many transwomen, before me, who've trailblazed through the great unknown and cut through the wilderness to create a path. And many of these women have shared, which allowed me to see their journeys, and for the first time, see the path. Their openness and vulnerability bared truth... the truth... my truth.
What these women gave me was so much more than just hope and inspiration, they gifted me with a roadmap. So in turn, I also share my social media, because it makes that path feel a little bit more real for the weary hearts, for lost trans people searching for themselves, trying to find their way.
Monika: Why did you choose Dana for your name?
Dana: Prior to legally changing my name to Dana, it was originally my middle name given to me at birth. It always felt like the real me. The rest of my original name (first and last name) I have chiseled away, so it feels as though my middle name, 'Dana', has risen from within because it has always been there.
Monika: Do you get many questions from your social media followers? What do they ask for?
Dana: Most messages I receive aren't questions but I do get quite a bit! Many questions ask for information about transitioning. My hair has been of interest before. I've been growing my hair out but in the interim, I use wigs frequently. I can go from blonde curls to a black bob. Far too many people asked me how I could change my hair so drastically. It's funny because it had always seemed obvious to me but I guess the wigs are really convincing!
I never feel obligated to have to answer questions but when I do, my conversations have usually been straightforward and pleasant. I also exchange questions with people about fashion and clothes as well. If there are sales going on somewhere, or if I have something unique, that's always nice to share.
I started dating at the beginning of the year using dating apps to which I had linked my Instagram account. I did that so potential matches could at least see that I was real. However, there was an unintended consequence of people, I didn't match with, messaging me on Instagram, after the fact. These are almost always awkward questions, so I just leave them alone.
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| "The most powerful tool for any transgender person, to bring to bear, is simply being visible for others to see." |
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Dana: I did. I lost pretty much everything, at least for the time being. I was married with children. Gone. Most family... gone. My friends have stayed. I used to live in a picturesque neighborhood where there are kids that actually trick or treat and sing Christmas carols. I had a big beautiful home with a pool and a front courtyard with a fountain. I now live in a tiny apartment, alone. My saving grace is that I am solid, professionally, and have much support at work. I gave up my life, so I could live. Understanding what privilege is, becomes instantly understandable once you lose it.
I've almost come out several other times in my life. In 2000, 2009, and 2013. 2020 was the actual year. I guess I always knew that there was a steep price to pay for being different... for being myself. The potential consequences made me fearful. My need for acceptance kept me obedient. The hardest thing about coming out was sharing with that first person, my, now, ex-wife. It was saying the words, out loud to someone, for the first time. I had repressed those feelings for decades. And now, they slowly rose from the depths, cracking through a wall of secrecy and denial. I cried and cried.
I tried to say the words but kept losing my breath. I shook and trembled. After a good 10-15 minutes, nearly 40 years of repression ended instantly. Part one of my life ended on an explosive note. A supernova of truth and light that destroyed all that had come before, but also reset the building blocks of creation, which offered me space to build a new future.
Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition?
Dana: Not really. Or at least I didn't see it. What I got from them was a tidal wave of doubt and horror stories of all of the bad things that can happen to transwomen. They just pushed to keep me conforming to the norm. They were more upset than surprised. I was more surprised by them! It was like they had a big family meeting behind my back, to keep consistent with talking points. From all of their 'research', they were certain that I would fall into drugs, prostitution, and would be dead in a year. So certain were they, that they made me give back family heirlooms handed down to me over the years. They said that they couldn't have me pawning off family valuables. So I gave everything back... and walked away.
A year of transition has made a huge difference. Some family members have begrudgingly acknowledged that I actually look better than they imagined and are impressed with how well I'm doing. Other family simply stalk my Instagram account. Under the surface, there is a war between us. There is me, determined to survive, determined to thrive, determined to live on my own terms. And then there is them, determined that they know enough, determined that they are right, and if not right - determined not to be wrong. They don't want to completely cut ties with me but also have no interest in offering any real support. Sometimes I have hoped for at least some kind words, but even that comes off as asking too much.
Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?
Dana: Hormone treatment was the best thing that happened in my life. It's not only life-changing but life-saving. I spent quite a few years researching the various hormones and options. I felt like I had reasonable expectations going into it.
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Dana: Sadly, how we look does greatly affect how we are treated. Transwomen do suffer as a result of non-passing. We, in our community, and allies should make every effort to advocate for trans acceptance. I pray that one day, our differences won't be perceived so differently by the public at large.
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| "Hormone treatment was the best thing that happened in my life." |
So firstly, does a transwoman even need to care about passing? I never assume that every woman does. I have lots of friends who take hormones, have no interest in any surgeries, and will be visibly trans (not passing) for the rest of their lives.
I think they understand that misgendering and misunderstandings will happen more often than not. I love them, never judge them for their choices, and make myself available to talk on hard days.
How do we cope? Community. No matter how much one woman passes while another does not, we will always have common ground. This kinship isn't superficial either. It transcends wealth, race, and culture. It goes down to the very bedrock of existence. When my insecurities about passing get the best of me, I know there are other transwomen with whom I can cry with, and who understand.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person?
Dana: I guess it's time for an - almost love story! This was a long time ago but I'll do my best to recollect. And there I was... minding my own business on one of the dating sites. This was early in the year 2000. I was 21 in August and this was before that, so not even 21 yet. Back then, the website was full of actual, real, people and the Internet had almost no information about transitioning. So, I'm going through profiles and then I see her. My jaw drops. Krystal. Transsexual. 6'2. Blonde. 31 years old. She was stunning. Striking. Literally all of the things. Her photos were classy, nonnude, and she looked happy. Yes, I wanted to get laid with her, but more importantly, I wanted to be her. I had a million questions! And I was convinced she had the answers. I believed she had everything. She could be my everything. We could be lovers and she could show me how to become a woman. Totally perfect! Right?
Monika: Did you contact her?
Dana: I messaged her and she got back fairly quickly. This was meant to be! We both agreed to meet at a local Starbucks. I got there first and was mortified. The place was packed, save for a table in the dead center of the cafe. I thought the time I picked would have been more empty and we could have sat in a corner. Nope. So I got my drink and waited. And waited. The door finally opened and there she was. I needed time to process. My first thought - she's better than her pictures. She had her heels on which made her a bit taller than me. I stood up and she smiled, strutting straight in my direction. All eyes were on her. Not only did she own it, she commanded it.
I went there to secure a hookup and for help on transitioning. Instead, I received a funny, intuitive, warm soul desiring nothing more than to connect with someone. One of the most real people I've ever met. Real like a textbook. And I wasted no time studying her. Shamelessly. Despite me acting like a dopey kid, she was gentle and kind to me. I made some lame jokes and she went with it, her comments displaying a sharp wit I had never seen before. I felt I was in over my head, with my pores sweating intimidation.
Monika: Did she notice your reaction?
Dana: She sensed my unease and calmly reeled me back in with an almost maternal assurance. No one deserved someone like her. We may have found each other on an adult website, but we really didn't talk about making love. We simply confirmed that we were both interested. She provided me with a qualifier that she didn't have a place for us to go. I offered my place in desperate chivalry. We talked some more and it was wonderful. I found my footing and we had a real moment of connection.
She was the person I was destined to meet. She was the woman I was destined to be. She made me forget about everyone else in the coffee shop. I was on the cusp of coming out! I was ready to take that leap of faith and she seemed ready to be there to hold my hand. Then... Then. Then she asked a question that would change my life forever.
She asked: "After we do 'stuff', maybe we can hang out after?"
I said: "What?"
She replied ", A little bit? Watch some TV or something? It could be nice. I could make you something. What do you like to eat?"
I paused before bumbling every syllable. "I... uh.... have... uh... roommates... uh... don't know. I don't know. What would I say if they... uh... saw us together?" She sighed, leaning over and cupping my hands. Her hazel eyes drooped into a sorrowful gaze and she feigned a weak smile: "It's OK. Don't worry about it."
END OF PART 1
All photos: courtesy of Dana Day.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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