A Denver Police Department fleet mechanic with 27 years of service, Lynda Oudenhoven came to terms with an identity she had sensed since childhood only later in life, beginning her transition at the age of 49. Rather than stepping away from the working world, she transitioned on the job, where she was already known as a dedicated and experienced professional, navigating the fears surrounding her coming out while benefiting from the legal protections available in Colorado. Her daughter encouraged her to explore Lynda more fully, while Buddhism helped her confront the fear and anxiety that had kept her from taking that step for decades. She also found unexpected love and support in a childhood friend who re-entered her life after 30 years and became one of the people who helped guide her through transition. By the time of this interview, Lynda had completed her legal transition and was recovering from gender-affirming surgery, looking forward to returning to work, retirement, and eventually a warmer life in the South.
Lynda also approached her transition as an opportunity to help others. Through YouTube, she documented her experiences not only as a personal record for her daughter, but also as a source of reassurance for other transgender women facing the fears she herself had overcome. Her message is ultimately simple but powerful: transition requires preparation, compassion, dignity, and courage, but the life waiting on the other side can be far richer than fear allows us to imagine. In this interview, Lynda talks candidly about discovering her identity in childhood, transitioning in her fifties, coming out to colleagues and police officers she had worked with for decades, hormone therapy, surgery, fashion, love, and her hopes for the future. Most importantly, she reflects on what it means to finally feel that her mind, body, heart, and soul are at peace.
Monika: Today I have the pleasure of introducing Lynda Oudenhoven, an American mechanic and video blogger who documents her transition on YouTube. Hello Lynda!
Lynda: Hi Monika, thank you for inviting me to be part of your interview series. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Monika: Could you tell us a little more about yourself?
Lynda: Sure. I'm a 51-year-old Denver Police fleet mechanic. I have another three years and nine months until I retire, after 27 years of service, and then I plan to pursue other employment interests. I have a beautiful 29-year-old daughter, and I live with my two dogs and one cat near the foothills of Denver, Colorado.
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| At Muir Woods National Forest, CA. |
Monika: What made you decide to document your transition on YouTube?
Lynda: Probably for a couple of reasons. I wanted to have something for my daughter to remember this time by, something she can look at long after I'm gone. I also wanted to share it with other women in the community who might be contemplating transitioning or surgery, so as to provide some comfort for them. If I can overcome my fears and anxieties, anybody can.
Monika: Where are you at in your transition right now?
Lynda: I like to think that my transition is finished. I still have a ton to learn, don't get me wrong, but medically and legally (name and gender marker all updated), my transition is done.
If we put a timeline to it, I am four weeks post-op. I made sure all name and marker issues were dealt with before presenting full time, and I'm glad not to be dealing with that during this somewhat difficult recovery process.
Monika: Looking back, how satisfied are you with the results of your hormone therapy?
Lynda: Well, yes and no. Starting as late as I did, at 49 years old, testosterone had a huge head start on my physical development. I took pills the first year and was very diligent with my blood work so we could monitor the results. The numbers were okay but not great. My breast tissue was sore, along with some development. My skin was much softer, but fat redistribution was almost non-existent.
Monika: It sounds like the pills alone weren't quite enough. What happened when you switched things up?
Lynda: After a year, my numbers had actually reversed. More testosterone and less estrogen was not something I wanted to hear after a year, so we decided on injections, 0.8ml of Delestrogen once a week. Wow, you could see my numbers go off the charts! Testosterone was non-existent after three months, and my estrogen level was that of a woman trying to get pregnant, from what I've been told. It peaked at over 600 on one blood draw.
Monika: Did you notice the difference in yourself as clearly as the numbers suggested?
Lynda: The amazing thing was that in photos of me, I noticed huge changes in my face just three months post-injection. My face was finally losing its old masculine appearance, rounding out and getting much softer. My only regret is not starting the injections from the beginning.
Monika: Could you describe your childhood for us? When did you first sense that you weren't meant to be a boy or a man?
Lynda: My childhood was that of middle-class, white America in the '60s and '70s. I was active, excelled in multiple sports, and did well in school without trying as hard as I probably could have. I always knew something was wrong, even from my earliest memories, around age three. I didn't have any understanding at the time of what I was feeling, and there was nobody to talk to.
I was far too afraid to share any of those thoughts with my parents, so I basically fought the feeling and fed it in secret. I spent most of my time in denial and far less time raiding my mom's closet, which I only got to do on rare occasions. I kept doing that for years, even after moving out on my own.
But I've found that, for my journey at least, it's been a kind of evolution. At a young age, the clothing alone was enough to satisfy the urge, then came the desire to get out and be seen, then to transition fully, and finally to have surgery. That's a very brief summary of the timeline, but I think you understand.
Monika: Many transgender women describe school, college, or university as the most painful chapter, full of discrimination. Did your experience follow that same pattern?
Lynda: I transitioned at my job of 23 years. I was already well known at my place of employment and known as a hard worker, which I think made it easier for me. But the truth is that Colorado has laws in place to protect individuals like myself, and I'm very, very fortunate for that.
On top of that, I work for a city entity, so all the protections were in place for a smooth and successful transition. I only had to overcome my own fears. That's not to say everybody welcomed me with open arms, though. My coworkers, fellow technicians, the parts department, and so on were all on board and supportive. The police officers we served were a different story, old-school cops living in old-school times. Probably 80 percent are supportive, and the rest are just quiet. Thankfully, they have no choice but to be.
Monika: Do you have any transgender role models you admire?
Lynda: Maybe Dr. Marci Bowers. Being transsexual herself, she understands as well as anyone, and she's dedicated her life to helping others who have gone through what she did. That's an amazing thing to me. I don't think I've ever really considered anyone a role model, but I have a lot of respect for her.
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| Hitting a bucket at the driving range. |
Monika: Looking back, what was the hardest part of coming out?
Lynda: Two things come to mind right away. First, facing my truth was the most difficult part, and then actually acting on it. My daughter encouraged me to explore "Lynda" more, and she introduced me to the principles of Buddhism, which in turn taught me about fear and other ways to face it besides anxiety. Without Buddhism, I probably would have never found the strength to do what I've done.
The second was the cops whose cars I'd been fixing for 23 years. Everyone I knew personally that I came out to, I did with a short letter. I'd deliver the note, wait while they finished reading it, then answer any questions. I didn't have that same opportunity with the police officers.
Monika: How would you describe the present situation of transgender women in American society?
Lynda: I think there are far more accepting people out there than the trans community realizes. I've been out for two years now, and I've had only one negative incident. Just one, and that's without frequenting so-called "gender friendly" establishments. I won't let the small part of society that wants to put me in that box keep me there.
I'm not saying everyone accepts it, but in the circles I travel in, there's been only one verbal incident in two years. A few factors play into that. My presentation has never been about sex. I don't dress provocatively, and I dress age-appropriately, which I think has been important to my success. Second, I stay away from places that can be trouble, bars, for example, are never a good idea.
Monika: More transgender women are coming out these days, and some, like Lana Wachowski in film directing, Jenna Talackova in modeling, Kate Bornstein in academic life, Laura Jane Grace in music, or Candis Cayne in acting, have become genuinely well known. Do you expect that trend to keep growing?
Lynda: I would think so, yes. As the overall number of people coming out increases, it makes sense to me that the number of high-profile individuals doing so will increase too. I guess it depends on their own balance, what, if anything, they'd stand to lose by coming out. Since I've stayed under the radar myself, it's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. The fame, the money, whatever it is that makes them high-profile, could be put at risk by coming out. That's not something I ever had to weigh.
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| Pizza in San Mateo, Ca. just after the first visit with Dr. Bowers. |
Monika: Are you involved in politics or lobbying in any way? Do you believe transgender women can make a real difference in that space?
Lynda: I'm not active myself, no. But trans women can absolutely make a difference, just like any woman can. I think it's unfortunate that we even attach the label of transgender or transsexual to a person. We're just what we are, women, all of us, cisgender or otherwise. And there I go, using another label. I really don't like them at all.
Monika: Are you into fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear, and are there any particular colors or trends you gravitate toward?
Lynda: I love fashion and putting outfits together. I'm not glamorous by any means, but I am put together. I have to be in my position, but I also enjoy the process of creating a nice presentation.
My wardrobe is mostly cute cargo capris, white, purple, fuchsia, pink. I wear flats with my capris and tennis shoes with my blue jeans. My tops are mostly pullovers, from three-quarter sleeve to full length. Part of my style came from a desire to blend in, to be "stealth," if you will. I notice that at all the places I frequent, women are wearing basically the same things I am, just not as well coordinated, wink wink.
Monika: What's your take on transgender beauty pageants?
Lynda: I don't attend them because it's just not something I'm into. They serve a purpose, and people get something out of the shows and pageants, both the performers and the audience. What I don't like is the assumption that many in the audience make when they connect a performer in the drag community with what I've done. Shows and pageants can be somewhat sexual in nature, in my opinion, and what I've done has nothing to do with sex. It's about my identity, not what identity I'm attracted to.
Monika: How involved are you in your local LGBT community?
Lynda: I was, at first, volunteering at the local LGBT resource center, but I've since distanced myself from the LGBT community to some extent. My daughter, my brother, and several cousins are gay, and they have my full support in whatever cause they take up. Again, it comes back to the box society wants to put me in, and I won't conform to that. I'm just living my life as a woman now.
Monika: Do you see marriage and family in your future? What role does love play in your life these days?
Lynda: I do plan to get married one day, in Paris. I have a very special partner in my life, and that's our plan for now. No more children for me, though. It's funny, when I came out two years ago, I had resigned myself to the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, for reasons that turned out to be completely wrong. I've reconnected with a childhood friend who had a crush on me way back when, and 30 years later, she still loves me just as much. Without her, my journey would have been far more difficult. She gently pushed me through doors I didn't think I was ready for. She's been by my side every step of the way, and I love her dearly.
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| Visiting her Dad in Arizona. |
Monika: What would you say to transgender women who are afraid to begin their transition because of discrimination and hatred?
Lynda: The best advice I could offer would be this. First, approach your transition with compassion, for yourself and for those around you. Not everybody is going to accept it, and that's okay. It's not about them, it's about you.
Monika: Beyond compassion, what else would you tell someone just starting out?
Lynda: Have a plan, for all the possibilities that may arise. That means possibilities with family, friends, and your employment. You have to be prepared for all three kinds of reactions, the positive, the neutral, and the negative. It's when a person doesn't have a plan that something going wrong or unexpected can derail or damage the transition process so badly.
Monika: And what about the practical realities, the financial and everyday side of it all?
Lynda: Transitioning isn't cheap, so save your money. You'll need it for all sorts of fees you never thought existed, and your new wardrobe will be costly to build at first, along with your new surroundings. You'll probably be trading that monster truck poster for a nice framed piece of art, haha. And lastly, maybe most importantly, present yourself with class, respect, and dignity. It will take you far on your path to success. Learn female mannerisms, be open to studying women and what they do, and you'll naturally incorporate what you observe along with your own instincts.
Monika: What's your next step right now, and where do you picture yourself in five to seven years?
Lynda: My next step is to heal up from the recent surgery. That's it, and then get back to repairing cars for the Denver Police Department, retire in three-plus years, and move south to a warmer climate. Arizona, maybe.
Monika: Would you say you're a happy woman today?
Lynda: Yes, but more importantly, I'm a happy human being. I was always a happy woman, I just never had the chance to realize it until now. My genitalia originally grew outward instead of inward, something that was fairly easily repaired with surgery, but now that my mind and body are congruent, my heart and my soul are at peace. Thank you for interviewing me, it was a pleasure.
Monika: Lynda, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's truly been a pleasure.
All the photos: courtesy of Lynda Oudenhoven.
© 2013 - Monika Kowalska
