Treva Angelina Askey is a British Army veteran whose life story became the subject of Too Deep: My Journey as My Husband Becomes My Beautiful Wife, a book written by her wife, Victoria Askey, and published in 2013. Before her story reached a wider audience, Treva served in the British Army, completing tours in Kenya and the Falkland Islands, as well as operational tours in Bosnia. Her military background forms an important part of her personal history, preceding the profound changes that would later reshape her life and marriage. In Too Deep, Victoria shares her experience of her husband’s journey toward living as a woman and the impact this transformation had on their relationship.
The book offers a personal perspective on the challenges that can arise when one partner begins to embrace her gender identity, while the couple must also reconsider their understanding of marriage, love and their future together. Its title reflects the emotional depth of this journey, which required both partners to confront change and discover what their relationship meant to them. Published in 2013, the book brought Treva and Victoria’s story to readers interested in transgender experiences and the realities faced by couples navigating gender transition. Their story highlights the importance of understanding, honesty and emotional connection when a person begins to live more authentically. Through Victoria’s account, Treva’s journey became not only a story of personal transformation but also an exploration of how love and commitment can be tested and redefined during periods of profound change.
Monika: Treva, welcome, and thank you for joining me today.
Treva: Hello Monika, a pleasure and a privilege to complete this interview for you.
Monika: Please tell us a little about yourself.
Treva: I am a retired British Army veteran going through the transition. I am very shy and quiet; I also keep myself to myself outside of the family home. I have taken on the role of housewife since marrying my wife Victoria in September 2011, allowing her to achieve her goal of becoming an author.
Monika: And when the housework is done, what fills your free time?
Treva: I enjoy experimenting in the kitchen, trying out new foods for the family to enjoy or hate, depending on how many chillies I use, lol. I am also trying to become a gardener so I can grow my own vegetables, but I am failing at that one, lol. I have a couple of old Lambretta scooters that I enjoy fixing and riding as my hobby.
Monika: Victoria wrote a book about your transition. What inspired her to do it?
Treva: I will let my wife answer this one.
Victoria: After researching the transition road, I found it was all negative. I wanted to show people that it’s not all bad, that love can overcome any obstacle that’s put in your way. I was also amazed at the number of partners who run when they are told that their other half is transgender, and it doesn’t have to be like that. I was also inspired by Treva’s courage and how she could have lived her life not telling anyone until she told me.
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| Available via Amazon. |
Monika: Your partnership with Victoria is such a romantic story. How did it begin?
Treva: Our partnership goes back to the mid-’80s, when we first met at school. We lived on the same street and dated for a couple of weeks before I joined the forces in 1988. We have kept in contact throughout the years and would meet up once every 3–5 years for a catch-up coffee. We eventually got together as a partnership in 2010, then married in September 2011.
Monika: Love seems to be at the heart of your story. What role does it play in your life?
Treva: Victoria is my rock! Without her support, I wouldn’t have had the courage to tell people who the real me is. Being able to live with your best friend and soul mate has got to be the best feeling ever.
Monika: You spent years in the forces. Did you enjoy being in the army?
Treva: In one word, “No”. I joined the Army as a way out; where I lived as a child didn’t have the best job opportunities. It was either land work (farming) or a factory. So I followed in my brother’s footsteps and went into the Army. Looking back on Army life, it was enjoyable in parts, but it wasn’t the job for me. I joined at the young age of 16, not sure of who I was or what I was feeling, and it wasn’t until my early twenties that I discovered I was transgender. The Army was a man’s job and I just didn’t fit in.
Monika: Turning to your own transition: at what age did you begin it, and was it a difficult process?
Treva: I started my transition at 40; I decided to wait until I had left the forces before starting. Both Victoria and I decided that small steps would work best so it didn’t scare the two stepchildren; they are fully understanding and regularly correct people if they use incorrect pronouns.
Monika: You are still on that road today. How has the process been so far?
Treva: As I am still going through the “process”, I can honestly say that it is very difficult. Before I started, both Vic and I did a lot of research, so we knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park.
Monika: Did any transgender role models guide you at the time of your transition?
Treva: I haven’t had any transgender role models. My role model has to be my wife; she supports, understands, gives help and advice, fashion tips, and cheats. Why would I need any other role model, lol?
Monika: Coming out is rarely easy. What was the hardest part for you?
Treva: Having my blood taken every couple of months; I have a big phobia of needles, lol. Telling friends and family was done all at once, with a long informative letter sent out to individuals on Facebook so everyone got it at the same time. That way we didn’t have the “well, you told him first” scenario.
Monika: How did your parents react, and what about the other parents you met in the playground?
Treva: We told my parents face to face and I think I’ve heard from them once since, oh well, their loss. The playground parents thought I was in a rock band before being told I was transgender, because I kept dyeing my hair different colors and painting my nails. When we told the playground gossip (knowing that was the best person to tell because it would be around the playground in minutes), she said that was “way better than the rock band”.
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| With Victoria. |
Monika: How would you describe the present situation of transgender women in British society?
Treva: I think it has a lot to do with the area you live in. Myself, I have had no problems or hassles since coming out, whereas other people I know get tremendous amounts of problems just for being different.
Monika: Some say transgenderism could be the new frontier for human rights. Do you agree?
Treva: Please don’t get me started on the “Human Rights” thing. Everybody is born human, just nobody is the same. We need to grow up as people and learn to live with each other with our differences.
Monika: A few weeks ago, Jared Leto received his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for playing the transgender Rayon in “Dallas Buyers Club”. What do you think about the transgender stories and characters featured so far in British films, newspapers, and books?
Treva: I like to read other people’s stories in the newspapers; it shows me that there is a light at the end of the transition tunnel, even though it’s a long, dark tunnel. I tend not to judge transgender characters in films; I prefer just to sit and enjoy them with a big bar of chocolate :).
Monika: The transgender cause is usually presented together with the other LGBT communities. As the last letter in the abbreviation, is the transgender community able to promote its own cause within the group?
Treva: I struggle to understand why the “T” is in the “LGBT”. Being transgender has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. But on saying that, once I have come to the end of my transitional road I will come under the “L” part of LGBT, lol.
Monika: Harvey Milk worked for gay activism in the USA in the 60s and 70s. Is there anyone in the British transgender society whose actions could be compared to his?
Treva: There isn’t anybody of note that springs to mind.
Monika: Tell me about politics in your life. Are you involved in any lobbying campaigns, and can transgender women make a difference in that field?
Treva: My activity in politics is to go down to the local polling station to cast my vote. Can transgender women make a difference? Of course they can, as long as they have the right attitude and policies, and can get the public to get behind them.
Monika: Fashion is a favorite topic for many women. What kind of outfits do you usually wear, and are there any designers, colors, or trends you favor?
Treva: I enjoy my shopping trips with my wife; I wouldn’t say that I follow fashion. I buy clothes that I like. I have a varied wardrobe, but jeans and a top would be my usual daily wear.
Monika: What is your next step at present, and where do you see yourself within the next 5 to 7 years?
Treva: I am waiting to be referred for my lower surgery. Hopefully, I will get that out of the way within the next year, then I can see where my life takes me. Maybe come out of retirement and look for a new job… then again, maybe not, lol.
Monika: What would you recommend to transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Treva: I would recommend talking to somebody; find a nice GP who is willing to help and start the process as early in your life as possible. That way testosterone won’t have enough time to cause too much damage to your body.
Monika: Treva, thank you so much for this interview!
All the photos: courtesy of Treva Angelina Askey.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
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