Some life stories refuse to fit neatly into one chapter. They span oceans, wars, heartbreak, reinvention, and the relentless pursuit of authenticity. The story of Paula Coffer is one of those. She is a retired U.S. Army Finance Officer, a Navy veteran, a world traveler, a public servant, and an author. She served in Vietnam, Germany, Korea, Afghanistan, and across the United States, carrying the weight of responsibility in places where history itself was being written. But beneath the uniform, beneath the duty and discipline, Paula was also carrying another battle, one far more personal, hidden, and dangerous to reveal in her time: the struggle to live openly as herself. At only 17, Paula enlisted in the U.S. Navy, stepping onto ships that would take her to Vietnam for three tours of duty. Later, she accepted a commission as an Army Finance Officer, serving 24 years in uniform. Yet all through those decades of service, the military was not ready to accept someone like her. There was no “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to hide behind, only the knowledge that if anyone asked, she would have to answer truthfully, and that truth could end her career and brand her “unfit.” Paula carried her secret as she carried out her missions, balancing duty to country, duty to family, and duty to a self she was not yet free to live. When she finally retired in 1994, Paula made the most courageous decision of her life: to pursue gender reassignment surgery, even though it cost her family relationships. It was a devastating price to pay, but it was also the beginning of her true freedom.
Her autobiography, A Walk in Confidence (2017), is not just the story of a soldier or a veteran, it is the story of a woman who chose authenticity over fear, peace of mind over conformity, and self-respect over silence. And Paula’s life didn’t stop there. She went on to serve in Afghanistan with the Department of Defense and the Department of State, proving once again that courage doesn’t retire. She also turned to writing, blending sharp reflections with creative imagination. Her travel stories feature Ralf, her magical miniature Dachshund, a whimsical companion who joins her in exploring the natural wonders of the United States. It’s a reminder that Paula, after all the battles she has fought, still carries within her a spirit of playfulness, creativity, and wonder. Paula’s voice is striking because it does not shy away from the difficult truths. She talks openly about mistakes, about self-medication and survival, about the risks and resilience of trans lives, and about the dangers of society’s misunderstanding. Some of her views will challenge, some will inspire, but all of them are rooted in a life lived bravely and without retreat. This interview is more than a conversation. It is an invitation to step into the shoes of a woman who has walked through war zones and personal storms, who has lost and gained in equal measure, and who continues to stand tall, walking, as she puts it, in confidence.
Monika: Today, I have the pleasure and honor of speaking with Paula Coffer, a retired U.S. Army Finance Officer whose distinguished career included service in Vietnam, Germany, Korea, and across the United States. After her military retirement, she continued her dedication to public service by working with both the Department of Defense and the Department of State in Afghanistan. Paula is also the author of the powerful autobiography A Walk in Confidence (2017). Paula, welcome to the interview!
Paula: Hello Monika, and thank you for taking the time for this interview. It is an honor to be part of the illustrious group you have interviewed in the past.
Monika: Your military career is truly remarkable, spanning both the Navy and the Army, with years of service at home and abroad. Could you share some highlights of your journey in uniform?
Paula: I enlisted in the U.S. Navy at 17 years of age, and during my four-year enlistment I spent three years and two months on sea duty, making three WesPac (Western Pacific) tours, two of which were to Vietnam. I later joined Army ROTC while in college and accepted a commission as a Finance Officer.
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| Kabul, Afghanistan. |
Monika: What was it like balancing such a demanding career with the personal challenges you were facing at the time?
Paula: During those 24 years, I struggled with living a dual identity: meeting my military responsibilities and family obligations while also confronting the gender identity I held so closely within. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” did not exist during my career; if asked, I would have had to tell, and I would have been released from the military as unfit, probably with an “other than honorable” discharge.
I retired from the U.S. Army in 1994 to pursue Gender Reassignment Surgery. This decision also cost me my family relationship. Over the past 23 years, I have lived without those family ties, but I am at peace within myself. I have accomplished much simply by being me and always pushing forward with the idea that I’m making a difference, whether by showing up for work or by striving to do the “right thing.”
Monika: Your autobiography A Walk in Confidence (2017) has received much attention. Could you tell us whether it is connected to your earlier book, Sandbox to Sandbox: A Walk in Confidence (2016)?
Paula: Monika, A Walk in Confidence is a re-edition of Sandbox to Sandbox. I added a table of contents, larger pictures, and a new section at the end called Letters to Joyce. These letters are my candid answers to my dear friend Joyce concerning the current environment, as I see it, of the transgender community. Many within the community may find these letters offensive, but they reflect how I feel and how I expressed myself to Joyce.
Monika: What inspired you to write your autobiography in the first place?
Paula: I penned the autobiography to help others within the transgender community understand the path that I’ve taken and perhaps help them navigate their own path. While much of my journey is unique, it really isn’t very different from others who have accepted this “uninvited dilemma” and tried to blend their role in society with the hope of happiness in the end.
Monika: Looking back at your journey, which lessons or experiences do you believe could be most valuable for other transgender women?
Paula: The stupid mistakes! Self-surgery and self-medication are not the way to go. Mostly though, the most useful is the employment aspect. It does a trans person no good to transition and then not be able to support themselves and fulfill their obligations to their children or family. If I had near unlimited funds, I would create a transition center where employment and life skills are taught to help the person transitioning better cope with their new life. Perhaps I’ll win the lottery one day.
Monika: In recent years, the role and rights of transgender service members in the U.S. military have been widely debated. Do you follow these discussions, and what are your thoughts on them?
Paula: I have not followed these discussions and actions closely at all. I retired 22 years ago, and the military has changed. I was in Afghanistan when “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed. It was a non-event there. I do have serious reservations, however, for those who transition within the military versus those who have already transitioned, completed their surgery, and then entered the military.
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| 1973 – US Navy. |
Monika: One of the most widely discussed figures connected to transgender issues in the military is Chelsea Manning. What is your perspective on her case?
Paula: A traitor that should remain in prison.
Monika: Shifting to your own journey, at what age did you transition, and what challenges did you face during that time?
Paula: I transitioned at the age of 41. The first couple of years were a difficult challenge. The difficulty was in me accepting myself in my new role and learning to ignore what others were saying or doing. Family pressure to not transition was compounded by all that happens during the transition: electrolysis, hormone adjustments, clothing adaptation.
Monika: During those early years of transition, did you have any transgender role models you looked up to or followed?
Paula: I didn’t have any role models. I had a sheltered existence as a military officer, and my world was my family and the U.S. Army. I’m not sure who I would choose in today’s world as a role model.
Monika: Beyond career and identity, love is often one of the most important aspects of life. How significant has love been for you?
Paula: Love and passion are very important. I’ve not had the love of another person after the transition. I would have loved to have a companion or lover over the past couple of decades, as what is life if not to share? I don’t think we as humans are designed to be total loners.
Monika: And what about your creative side, are you currently working on any new projects?
Paula: I am working on a series of travel novelettes with Ralf as my companion. Ralf is an imaginary, magical miniature wire-haired Dachshund. We travel all over the United States and meet people while taking photos of the natural wonders we encounter. Some of these are also being converted into children’s books.
Monika: Many transgender women struggle with gender dysphoria and the weight of other people’s opinions. What guidance would you offer them?
Paula: Take on an attitude of “Don’t Care.” Don’t care what other people say. Prior to the transition, I had to care what people thought of me. I was an Army officer, father, and husband living a dual life.
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| 1993 – US Army. |
Paula: After I transitioned and struggled through the physical and environmental changes, I finally realized that it didn’t matter what others thought of me. The only thing that mattered was how I felt about myself, and I adopted an attitude of “I don’t care.” Don’t care that you are not where you want to be yet, and you may be disappointed with your progress. Don’t care also means that everything is not about you.
When you notice that someone is laughing or pointing in your general direction, this doesn’t mean it is about you. You truly are not that important to others, and the joke told or item pointed out is probably not you, just your dysphoria or paranoia. This is a journey, and the destination is only a short-term goal, because you will continue to set new goals and have new aspirations as you travel down this path. Life is a journey!
Monika: A dear friend of mine, Gina Grahame, once told me that we should never limit our potential based on how we were born or by comparing ourselves to what other transgender people are doing. She said that our dreams should not end on the operating table, that’s actually where they begin. Do you share this perspective?
Paula: Absolutely! For me, the operating table was only a means to bring my body into congruence with my heart and mind. When I recovered from the operating table, I was still the same ambitious, generous, caring, loving person I was before. The only difference was that now I could truly “walk in confidence” in a new body to pursue even greater dreams.
Monika: Discussions about transgender inclusion in schools and universities have become very prominent today. How do you personally view these developments?
Paula: Monika, I think an excerpt from the book Walk in Confidence is appropriate to answer this question, as I answered Joyce with this letter: "In my last letter, I identified my definition of what trans people are to me. I find though that I am not with the times. Even in 1998, I found myself at odds with the university students who identified as trans. They were not accepting the definitions I would give so that I could have a common basis from which to discuss gender issues in the classroom. Today’s young persons are even further away from me as they identify as non-binary and don’t wish to be referred to as either male or female."
Monika: You mention definitions being crucial for meaningful dialogue. Could you expand on how you personally distinguish between these terms?
Paula: I have to say that male or female is a gender identity, whereas man or woman is a physical identity. I can understand androgynous, but I don’t understand non-binary. A set of definitions is still important so that an intelligent conversation can be had. I have great concerns for our trans community. Many people don’t transition until later in life. I belong to a couple of Facebook groups for those 40+ in age. Several of these trans women are in their 60s and are just now accepting themselves and going through a transition to be the woman they identify as.
Monika: Many young people today are actively challenging societal norms around gender. How do you see this movement in relation to the social changes your generation experienced?
Paula: The young people are pushing societal envelopes, so to speak. I guess my generation did too, with the hippie movement and challenges to the government over the Vietnam War. We pushed for civil rights, and I guess that could be said of the trans movement today. When we pushed for Black and women’s acceptance in the workplace and in social areas such as housing, we sometimes made it uncomfortable for everyone. Some people bent over backwards to avoid insulting a Black person, a woman, or any minority for that matter. We ‘tiptoed’ around subjects because a few very vocal individuals could cause us (White, Caucasian, and non-Hispanic) to be fired, chastised, jailed, etc.
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| The book is available via createspace. |
Monika: How do you feel these societal reactions compare to the current environment regarding transgender individuals, particularly in schools?
Paula: Many citizens today are afraid of trans people for the same reason. If a trans person or someone identifying as trans feels offended, they can have the offender reported to the school principal, the EEO officer in an organization, or, if severe enough, the local police. As you stated, your children are uncomfortable talking about gender to suspected trans students in school for fear they may be reported.
The pendulum has swung too far. Now, “trans” is the “flavor of the month,” and if a person wakes up one day feeling they want to wear a dress and enter the female bathroom or locker room at school, there is no measure the school can use to prevent it. Is this a momentary urge for a young teenager to fulfill a fantasy and enter the girls’ locker room or bathroom? Or is this a case of gender identity, where the young teenager is genuinely uncomfortable being in the boys’ locker room and is being harassed?
Monika: That raises an important point. How do you see the risks and challenges faced by transsexual individuals in today’s society?
Paula: Sadly, the real transsexual is in danger. The person who has accepted this uninvited dilemma and begun the process of changing their gender is now at risk. I realize that the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care have been relaxed regarding time constraints, but a person still has to have a psychologist authorize hormone treatment, wait for surgery, and be approved by a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a medical surgeon prior to surgery to correct this “birth defect.” During this time, a transsexual person is vulnerable to laws governing bathroom usage, employment discrimination, and, in essence, has no rights, as transsexual persons have never been a protected class.
Monika: How did these risks personally affect you during your own transition, particularly regarding something as basic as using public restrooms?
Paula: My personal feelings on the bathroom issue are complicated. When I was transitioning in the mid-1990s, I was scared to death to enter the women’s room. In those days, I would have been arrested as a pervert and jailed overnight. I couldn’t go into the men’s room dressed as a woman, so I had to get in and get out of the women’s room as quickly as possible. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine spending any more time than was necessary there. It was all business! I even feel somewhat uncomfortable today when I go into a ladies’ restroom. My only saving grace is that if I am subjected to a body search, I have the body of a woman.
Monika: Can you explain what makes the bathroom issue so complex for trans women?
Paula: Here is where it gets complicated for me. What if the person doesn’t have the body of a woman? A trans woman presents as a woman but retains the sexual organs of a male. She is, by my definition, a transgender woman who lives her life as a woman but has not had surgery. Even on hormones, her male parts will function. What will happen if she is discovered in the ladies’ restroom? Will she be subjected to arrest or humiliation? How does her circumstance differ from a weekend crossdresser? Both are physically men in a ladies’ restroom. While these two classes of trans people may be harmless to the women in the restroom, what about a man dressed as a woman with malicious intent, such as a female child molester or rapist?
Monika: How does this concern extend to post-operative trans women, who have physically transitioned?
Paula: Unfortunately, not all post-op transsexual women are 5’6” with petite bodies. Many of us are 6’ with wide shoulders, big hands, big feet, strong facial features, and a voice that would never be described as feminine. But we changed our physical gender and presentation based on what our minds and hearts told us to do. When challenged in a bathroom, we can “pass the test.” I’ve read about a few cases where women were wrongfully accused of being men sneaking into restrooms. I doubt the veracity of those stories and feel sensationalism is at play, but who knows what some bigoted individual might do?
Monika: Paula, thank you for the interview!
For more information about Paula J Coffer, visit her Author Page on Amazon.
All the photos: courtesy of Paula Coffer.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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