Monika: Today, I have the privilege of speaking with the inspiring Emilia Marina Rüttinger, a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Specialist at MEAG, the asset manager for Münchener Rück. Emilia's career has been shaped by her unwavering dedication to fostering inclusive environments.
Before joining MEAG in 2007 as the Head of the Credit Team, she worked at Union Investment, where she led the Non-Financial Credit Team. In 2022, she transitioned into her current role as a DEI specialist at MEAG, bringing her expertise and passion for equity and inclusion to the forefront. But Emilia’s journey is more than just professional, it is deeply personal. She has navigated the complexities of gender identity with resilience and grace, shaping not only her career but also her life.
As a fellow transgender woman, I’m especially excited to hear about her personal journey to womanhood, the challenges she has overcome, and the freedom she now enjoys by living as her true self. Emilia, thank you so much for being here today!
Monika: You've had an incredible professional career! I’m not sure if I’ve captured all of your achievements in the introduction, what else should I mention?
Emilia: I believe it's important to mention that my transition played a significant role in motivating and shaping my move into this new position. Until my coming out in 2022, no one publicly knew about my trans identity or the deep struggle I faced as a woman born in the wrong body. My conflict was largely internal, driven by intense pain from gender dysphoria. Outwardly, the world accepted me because they saw a man who looked and behaved like one.
However, everything changed when I began my transition. Especially in the early stages, when my passing was poor, when I changed my clothing, and when hormone therapy started to take effect, I encountered discrimination. People laughed at me, stepped away, and, at times, even subjected me to violence. That period was incredibly challenging.
That said, I must emphasize that 99.5% of people responded positively and supportively, which is a reassuring testament to human kindness. But the 0.5% who harmed me left a deep impact. Yet through this experience, I also came to understand just how powerful and life-changing support can be. My family, friends, employer, and self-help groups in Munich, as well as my doctors and psychiatrists, provided invaluable, life-saving support during moments when I felt like giving up.
These experiences gave me profound insight into what it means to face discrimination and exclusion. They also reinforced how critical it is to provide the right support to people, no matter their diversity dimension. So when my current boss offered me the opportunity to take on this role in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, I felt like the luckiest girl on earth. It aligned perfectly with everything I had learned about life and work.
Today, I can confidently say that this role is more than just a job, and it feels like the reason I had to go through this journey. Perhaps, it is even my life’s purpose.
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| "I grew up in a time when discussing trans identity was almost impossible." |
Emilia: No, it was far from smooth sailing. As an older woman, I grew up in a time when discussing trans identity was almost impossible. This was partly due to the deeply negative perception of trans people and the many prejudices surrounding us. But beyond that, there simply were no resources, no internet, no self-help groups, and little to no medical or psychiatric support. Until just a few years ago, coming out could have severe social consequences, including the loss of one’s job.
Decades of suppressing my true self and pretending to be someone I wasn’t took a heavy toll. Eventually, the weight of it all became unbearable, my body and mind could no longer sustain the facade. That internal struggle left its mark, especially during the early stages of my transition. When hormone therapy began and my body and mind started changing, I often battled depression and had to confront the past I had been forced to repress for so long.
However, I was fortunate to have incredible support from my doctors and psychotherapists, who stood by me every step of the way. Despite the challenges, I never once considered going back, nor did I ever doubt my gender identity. And with every small step forward in my transition, my dysphoria lessened, and the feeling of finally being in the right body grew stronger.
Monika: Many of us live as wives, mothers, and daughters, trying to leave our past behind. You’ve chosen to be an advocate for transgender rights and speak out about our positive image in society. Have you ever felt the temptation to stay in the closet, to live simply as a woman rather than a transgender woman?
Emilia: Sure, there were times when I wanted to withdraw because being openly trans isn’t always easy. Society still holds negative biases against trans people, often fueled by ignorance about what trans identity truly means and cultural attitudes that discourage an open, unbiased discussion on the topic. On top of that, the media frequently perpetuates a distorted image of trans identity.
The recent rise of the anti-woke movement across many parts of the world is a stark reminder that, despite progress, prejudice and exclusion are once again gaining strength. This affects every aspect of life, from the workplace to social settings to sports. There are always obstacles, challenges, and moments of discomfort.
But that’s precisely why I believe it’s so important to stand up for equal opportunities and the inclusion of trans people. By doing so, I hope to encourage others to embrace their authentic selves without fear. After all, suppressing or hiding one’s true identity for a lifetime is simply not sustainable. And this doesn’t just apply to trans identity, as it applies to all forms of diversity, whether it be gender, age, sexual orientation, ethnicity, religion, or disability.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life that helped you realize, “That’s me!”?
Emilia: When I first saw a trans woman in real life, it stirred up uncomfortable feelings. In the '80s, the public image of trans people was steeped in contempt and negativity. From an early age, I knew I was different, though I didn't fully understand what being trans meant at the time. I never identified as a boy, but I also didn't want to embrace a trans identity given the harmful stereotypes of that era. So, I tried to hide parts of myself where I could and played up an exaggerated male role to avoid being recognized.
Monika: In one of your interviews, you said that you had not been really ‘prepared’ for your transition. Was there a specific moment when you thought, 'Well, here we go!' and jumped in, or was it more like a slow-motion?
Emilia: Exactly, I was completely unprepared because my goal was to hide my trans identity for as long as possible. I didn’t want to cause my family pain, I feared losing my job, and honestly, I was probably just too afraid to come out on my own. But the constant hiding and pretending, living as someone I wasn’t, weighed on me more and more with each passing year. Eventually, it was my body and mind that could no longer keep up with the strain, leading to a complete breakdown. Faced with the responsibility to my family, staying alive and transitioning became the only path I could justify to myself. When I began that journey, I had no idea what it truly meant.
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| "When I began that journey, I had no idea what it truly meant." |
Emilia: It was more the grief of realizing I had missed 50 years of my true life, living like a zombie. But eventually, I had to accept that mourning the past served no purpose. What mattered more was making the most of the time I had left, embracing life as a woman with meaning and joy. Medically, transitioning at 52 is undeniably challenging, as testosterone has influenced my body for decades, making it much harder to achieve a good pass. And passing is important, it significantly affects how others perceive and treat you. Fortunately, a friend gave me the contact information for the Kamol Clinic in Bangkok, where I was able to undergo all the essential surgeries. The results have transformed my life, but the costs were steep, and I had to bear most of them myself. I’m acutely aware that many women around the world don’t have the same opportunity, which fills me with deep sadness.
Monika: I remember that you mentioned how you were always busy working to avoid confronting your true self. Was there a time when you tried to ‘outwork’ your dysphoria, and if so, what was the weirdest way you thought you were successfully avoiding it?
Emilia: My way of coping was to suppress everything. So, I filled every minute of my day, working excessively and throwing myself into extreme sports. The goal was simple: to collapse into bed each night, exhausted, with no room left to think. Vacations, when I had time to myself and wasn’t under the pressure I created, were actually uncomfortable for me. That’s when all the repressed emotions surfaced, and I felt completely helpless, thinking I could never truly live my life as a woman.
Monika: I finally felt free after my transition. How about you? Is there a specific moment that made you feel like you could truly take a deep breath and say, ‘This is the real me now’?"
Emilia: Besides the birth of my daughter, the most profound moment of my life was waking up after my Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) in Bangkok. The first thing I felt was a sense of relief, as if my brain had stopped sending the constant signals that my body was wrong and needed to be rejected. It was a deeply intense sensation, like my mind was finally telling me, 'Now everything is right, now you are home.' That moment moved me profoundly and filled me with immense happiness. In many ways, that place became my true birthplace, because it was where my real life began. After this experience, I fell asleep again, though I don’t know for how long.
Monika: The idea of ‘rebirth’ really resonated with me when you said you were ‘born’ in Bangkok after your surgeries. So, what was your first ‘birthday’ like - maybe a day of sunbathing in a bikini with your favorite drink?
Emilia: It’s funny that you mention the bikini, because that was exactly the dream image I always had in mind. During the tough times leading up to my surgery, my wife would always say, 'Emilia, remember, you’ll swim in a swimsuit one day, it will become a reality.' Those words lifted me up time and time again, and the dream eventually came true.
The first time I swam in a swimsuit in Lake Starnberg, it held such deep significance for me. I think only someone who is transgender can truly understand those emotions. Since my rebirth, I’ve returned to Bangkok every year to celebrate this day. I spend my entire vacation there and dream of living in the city one day. I adore Thailand, the people, the culture, and the friends I have there. And, of course, since Muay Thai is my absolute passion, I train every day in local boxing gyms, constantly learning something new.
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| "I adore Thailand, the people, the culture, and the friends I have there." |
Emilia: Yes, I had exactly the same experience. I was deeply moved by how these women support and stand by each other. I’ve learned so much from them and have come to realize that many women in their countries face far more challenges than I do in Germany. Through the Kamol Clinic, I’ve met incredible women and men over the years, forming lasting friendships that have endured despite the distance. It’s truly something special and beautiful, and I’m incredibly grateful for it.
Monika: We often have to ‘relearn life’ and embrace your authentic self. What's one thing that completely threw you for a loop during that process?'
Emilia: I would highlight the changes happening in my mind, which began as hormone therapy took effect. With testosterone no longer controlling my emotions and thoughts, I shed all the masks I had been wearing. In the beginning, it was overwhelming because my emotional perceptions became far more intense than I had ever experienced, and it wasn’t easy to navigate them. My brain could finally begin to think more femininely, not just because of estrogen, but also without the constraints of self-imposed role-playing. However, since the brain doesn’t simply rethink every action but relies on stored experiences, after 50 years of male socialization, a female brain had to adapt to these old patterns, which no longer made sense. This meant my behavior was probably confusing for others at first.
On top of that, my self-confidence was completely shattered. I struggled to do even the simplest things that I used to do without a second thought, constantly questioning myself and losing the ability to speak in front of groups. Regaining my footing was a long learning process. What really helped me were my supportive employer and my amazing Muay Thai trainer, Yasi, in Munich. I owe much of my mental and physical strength to Yasi.
Monika: The journey to womanhood can be challenging, but it’s also a gift that transforms our relationships - particularly with those who support us through the transition. Have you experienced this shift?
Emilia: I think this situation has two sides. On one hand, it is undeniably liberating to finally embrace and express your true, authentic self. When you can freely show your identity, you naturally become a more positive and fulfilled person, which in turn makes it easier to build good relationships with others. On the other hand, this process can be incredibly challenging for loved ones, especially if they weren’t aware of your trans identity. For instance, a spouse is suddenly faced with the reality of having a same-sex partner, and a child loses the father figure they once knew, someone who played a central role in their life. Relationships have to be completely redefined, and not everyone can handle that shift. In my case, I was very fortunate with my family, and we’re still together, though our relationship is now entirely different.
Monika: We all know the journey to being our true selves comes with a heavy price. Like, losing friends, family, jobs, and all that. I must say I am one of them. Did you have to pay a heavy price for being you? What was the toughest part of your coming out?
Emilia: On one hand, this was an experience where I was subjected to violence by others, which deeply traumatized me. On the other hand, it also marked a shift in my relationship with my partner, as she is not a lesbian like me.
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| "I just want to live a normal life as a woman." |
Emilia: Dr. Kamol did an outstanding job, and I consider my passing to be very successful. That said, I am still a tall woman at 1.90 meters, and I have muscles from the sport I practice. Occasionally, I still get questions. To be honest, it can still sting a little because I don’t want to attract attention, I just want to live a normal life as a woman. But one thing I can say is that dating has never been an issue, and as my self-confidence grew, it became easier. I believe resilience is something we must constantly work on, especially in an environment that is becoming less inclusive again. I once heard a great comeback when a man said, 'You look like a man.' The response was, 'If you trained as much as I do, you could look like one too.'
Monika: How did you choose the names Emilia and Marina? Is there a story behind it?
Emilia: Emilia means 'the eager, the hard-working,' and I’ve always identified with that. It reflects my ambition and drive. But I also chose the name because I’ve always found its sound beautiful. Marina means 'coming from the sea, belonging to the sea,' and I’ve always felt a special connection to water. I love swimming, diving, and sailing, and the sea has always been a place of peace and inspiration for me.
Monika: I remember trying to copy my mom and sister’s style when I was younger, and my friends used to joke that I was trying to be this perfect woman who didn’t even exist. Did you go through something similar?
Emilia: My journey was different. Before my transition, I didn’t wear women’s clothes, partly because I didn’t want to be recognized. But once my transition began, that changed. I experimented with different styles to figure out what suited me. Often, it was a bit Barbie-esque, lots of pinks, bright colors, and glitter. Some might think it’s a bit youthful, but I believe I have the right to make up for what I missed out on in my youth. Besides, I love colors, beautiful dresses, sparkling jewelry, and bold makeup, that’s just who I am.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition that you didn’t expect, either positively or negatively?
Emilia: Something no one sees is the shift in the mind, the way perceptions, thoughts, and emotions change when the brain is no longer controlled by testosterone, and all the masks have fallen, allowing the authentic self to emerge. I completely underestimated the intensity of this change, and it’s truly remarkable how different these two worlds are. It’s been an overwhelmingly positive experience, but getting here was a difficult journey.
Monika: A lot of trans women are writing their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing your own book?
Emilia: No, I’m aware that my time as a happy woman will be limited, during which I’m still in good health, fit, and capable of doing the things I’ve always dreamed of. This includes contributing to positive change for diversity, equal opportunities, and inclusion, perhaps even finally competing in Muay Thai, experiencing love, and building meaningful relationships. There simply isn’t enough time to write books. Interviews like this one with you are a much more efficient way for me to share my experiences with others.
Monika: Before we wrap up, what’s one piece of advice you’d give to any trans women out there who are still navigating their journey, whether it’s about confidence, love, or just living their truth?
Emilia: As a boxer, I always say: 'Never give up, never.' No matter how tough the journey is, or how many obstacles and setbacks it holds, the path is worth it. And one more thing: 'You are not alone.' There are countless support groups, transgender communities on social media, LGBTQIA+ networks in companies, and allies around the world who stand by your side.
Monika: Emilia, it’s been such a privilege to hear your story today. Your courage and authenticity are truly inspiring, and your journey is one that many will find both empowering and uplifting. Thank you for being so open and for sharing your experiences with such honesty. Wishing you continued strength and success in everything you do.
Emilia: Thank you so much, dear Monika. I am truly honored to have had the opportunity to share my experiences on your fantastic blog. I also want to thank you personally for creating this blog and conducting interviews with so many incredible trans women. It undoubtedly helps and encourages others on their journey toward their authentic selves and a richer, more fulfilling life.
All the photos: courtesy of Emilia Marina Rüttinger.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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