Monika: Did you have any encounters or moments that made your journey feel more real or tangible?
Lois: For a time, my travels gave me a reason to walk past Renee Richards’ Park Avenue office regularly. Her office window with her nameplate faced the street. But even when the light was on, I wasn’t able to summon the courage to ring the bell and get buzzed in. I told myself, “She must be bothered by too many people already.”
Monika: How do you reflect on those moments of hesitation and fear?
Lois: Looking back, I wasn’t really ready, fearful of the risk to take a very lonely journey. And it probably wasn’t God’s timing yet. It was nearly 40 years of my adult life with many false starts and missed opportunities too numerous to detail.
Monika: So when did you finally realize it was time to confront your gender identity directly?
Lois: If the beginning of my transition is defined as age 58, when I realized I finally had to face my gender identity situation head-on once and for all, the evaluation becomes quite different. My epiphany came from a totally unexpected source. A female Christian friend asked me to download a video for a Christian women’s conference. She didn’t know I was beginning to struggle with and acknowledge that my masculinity was a fraudulent façade. The video helped me see that the type of relationship I wanted deep down with other women was to be girlfriends in the buddy sense, not to have romantic relationships. Of course, the only way that would be possible was to have the outside match the inside.
Monika: Did it make a difference to you that this insight came specifically from a Christian friend, rather than someone within the transgender community?
Lois: Yes, because this came from a Christian source totally separate from the secular transgender community, it was easier for me to accept that this might be from God, and other confirmations followed. I began to see how certain Bible verses reveal how God views gender and identifies people. It wasn’t that I used to believe that God was against transgender people and then reversed my opinion. I simply spent many years not knowing one way or the other. Ironically, my life verse as a Christian (many of us have one) was a clue all along and I just didn’t see it for years. It’s a portion of 1st Samuel 16:7: “...for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”
Monika: How did your relationship with God change once you accepted that transitioning might not be a disappointment to Him?
Lois: Once I was able to remain serious about transition and no longer feel guilty about how God saw me, it went relatively quickly and easily. It was so freeing to no longer carry the burden that wanting to transition would make me a disappointment to God. It was like I had spent all those years building up a critical mass, but once I achieved it, LOOK OUT!
Monika: What did those first steps in your transition journey look like?
Lois: I began taking herbal hormone substitutes in October 2011 to see how my body reacted to them. Meanwhile, I started to gather other resources. I found a transgender-friendly shop that helped me know my approximate sizes (in November). Of course, women’s clothing sizes are much less definite than men’s sizes because of manufacturing variation, but at least I had a starting point now, especially if I wanted to buy online. (It starts with baby steps.) And I bought my first bras and shapewear there.
Monika: Once you took those first steps, like trying herbal hormones and buying shapewear, how did the rest of your transition unfold?
Lois: Then I started to gather other resources: support groups (December), makeup (January 2012), people who could advise me on how and where to buy clothing and shoes while still presenting as a guy (February), hair removal (March), a gender counselor (May), and eventually, through my gender counselor, a referral (September) that allowed me to get prescription hormones and a personal physician who was transgender-friendly and knowledgeable (November).
Within a week of starting prescription hormones, I began living and presenting myself to the world full-time as Lois. (Note: I very quickly stopped using the term “therapist” to describe my gender counselor. “Therapist” implies something is wrong with me that needs to be cured. “Counselor” implies working together to find the appropriate solution to a situation, the appropriate goal to fit that solution, and the appropriate process to implement the solution and reach the goal.)
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| In May 2015 at a gala held by one of my support groups. |
Monika: What were some of the key emotional and practical preparations you made during that time?
Lois: Of course, there were other things involved along the way: practicing makeup, reconnecting with my female voice, practicing comportment, developing a budget, doing homework for my counseling sessions, and preparing to come out to clients and friends. I also informed my pastor and his wife in January and had regular sessions with him until I went full-time (we still keep in touch). I had to come out to the governing board of my co-op apartment (September) and decide on a new church to attend, not knowing that no one guessed I was transgender, even as a newbie.
Monika: It sounds like once things were in motion, they moved quickly. Did your confidence grow as the transition progressed?
Lois: So once I shed my guilt, gathered resources, and gained confidence, it went remarkably quickly. I was still timid about leaving my apartment for a while, but a very successful makeover and photo shoot nine days after going full-time was a huge boost to my confidence.
Monika: How did you feel being out in the world as Lois?
Lois: I gain confidence daily. I have been blessed that I have never had a negative incident in public after 4½ years.
Monika: During the early stages of your transition, did you have any role models who helped guide or inspire you, particularly women you could genuinely relate to?
Lois: When I found Lynn Conway’s website, she was a huge inspiration to me. We both have STEM backgrounds. We both attended Ivy League universities. I could relate to her in a way that I couldn’t relate to the showgirls I found in those magazines and later on websites. Her gallery of trans women's successes was extremely encouraging. For the first time, I found others, non-celebrities, whom I could relate to better: scientists, engineers, professionals (attorneys, doctors, financial services), and clergy, for example.
Monika: Did anyone else featured on Lynn’s site make a particular impression on you?
Lois: Gina Grahame is someone relatable you mention whom I found there. It made me happy to see some who had found long-term relationships and even marriage. (I love a good love story with a happy ending.) It was encouraging to see so many who looked very feminine without the glam, exotic, or sexually provocative looks that I used to see in magazines and on websites. But other than Lynn, no one in particular stands out to me from those galleries. It was the totality of all those relatable and successful trans women on one site that helped me go forward.
Monika: Are there are any transgender ladies that you admire and respect now?
Lois: In addition to Lynn, I have added a number of them in the last few years. They tend to be success stories that, like Lynn, have been positive role models for the trans feminine community. In no particular order, I think of Calpernia Addams, Andrea James, Dana Beyer, Marci Bowers, Christine McGinn, Phyllis Frye, Jennifer Boylan, Janet Mock, Michaela Mendelsohn, Joy Ladin (who encouraged me to write my blog), and two others who I have met in person besides Joy: Grace Stevens who does such a wonderful job at First Event and in many ways it is like we were separated at birth and Abby Stein who has had to overcome so much more than most of us to transition. And if I have left anyone out, I apologize.
Monika: Coming out as transgender often involves navigating deep personal risk, financially, professionally, and socially. For you, what was the most difficult part of that process?
Lois: Wondering that first year what would happen to my tax practice was by far the hardest. If I lost my source of income, I would probably lose my home, too.
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| "Most of the transgender people I know have to transition with one employer. I had to transition with about 80 clients." |
Monika: That sounds incredibly stressful. How did you approach coming out to your clients while managing all the legal and bureaucratic steps?
Lois: First of all, I had a very tight window between when extensions were due in mid-October (filed under my old name) and sending coming-out letters with pictures to my clients by mid-December. Plus, legally changing my name and registering it with the IRS and New York State had to be accomplished by the time the new tax season started in the second half of January. Having told my clients my new name, I didn’t want the old one to appear on the tax returns. There were some bureaucratic delays, but the office of a local congresswoman helped straighten that out.
Monika: How did your clients respond after receiving the news?
Lois: The main concern was the reaction of my clients. Most of the transgender people I know have to transition with one employer. I had to transition with about 80 clients. I contacted some of my key clients in person or via phone conference in late October and received a positive response. But I couldn’t contact everyone that way. I sent out letters with a photo card of three pictures from my photoshoot. I received an immediate response of support from about a dozen clients by New Year’s Day, and support continued to trickle in for a couple of weeks.
Then, after the first week of January, I got emails and letters from a handful of people who were dropping me. One was very polite. One client contacted me and then must have changed his mind. Another client simply didn’t respond. Unfortunately, three clients were quite nasty when they told me, and they were all people I had known as friends before they became clients. They were all from one of my support groups. Christian, although I had many Christians who stayed with me. And then there were the clients I sweated out because they took their time to contact me, but they stayed.
Monika: Coming out to clients must have brought unexpected reactions. Did any surprising or even funny moments stand out during that time?
Lois: There was a humorous side to this. I changed both my first and last name. And I looked quite different from the old me in the photos I sent. A handful of people confessed that they didn’t recognize me at all before they read the letter, and the stories were usually very funny. I also had a few people who contacted me by phone or email using my old name. They weren’t being impolite. They swore they never got the letter. There were too many to chalk up to post office error.
Monika: What do you think caused those letters to be overlooked?
Lois: What I think happened was this: the letters came during the height of the Christmas card season. They opened my envelope, and the photo card fell out first. They saw the picture of someone they didn’t recognize and whose name they didn’t know. It mentioned that I was a tax professional. They assumed it was someone looking for new clients, but they were satisfied with their tax preparer (me!). So they tossed it aside without bothering to read the letter. I’ve gotten more than enough new clients since then to replace the ones who left. I even have a few clients who were more determined to recommend me to their friends and family after they found out that some had dropped me.
Monika: Many trans people face deep personal losses when they transition, whether it's family, community, or careers. In your case, did you experience significant loss, or did some relationships manage to survive the shift?
Lois: I lost some friends, and others are still slowly coming around. One very dear young woman who saw me as the dad she never had has really struggled with this as another loss. I left one church and found another with new possibilities. I resigned from a Christian ministry and found a way to become involved in a different capacity.
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| "I lost some friends and others are still slowly coming around. " |
Monika: How did your family respond to your transition, especially given your background?
Lois: My parents had passed away before I transitioned. The cousins I had stayed in contact with over the years have all been wonderfully accepting, amazing to me because they are all older than I am and were raised at a time when being transgender was not accepted in most circles. And our family would have been described as fairly conservative. My brother is still in mourning for a lost brother. Our contact is basically limited to birthday and Christmas cards (never to “sister”). But because of a trans person in his high school class, I know he does not have a moral objection. So I am hopeful.
Monika: Did your relationship status at the time play a role in how smoothly your transition went?
Lois: When I transitioned, I was unmarried, not in a relationship, and had no children (and therefore no connection to an ex because of the children). In comparison with trans women who had some of those things in place, this made my transition much simpler and with less drama. What had been a disappointment to me for much of my life became a blessing.
Monika: In recent years, we've seen more visibility for transgender women, on television, in politics, in science, and even in fashion runways. From Laverne Cox declaring "Trans is beautiful" to the rise of openly trans professionals in nearly every field, it seems like progress is happening. But is this newfound visibility translating into real change for most trans women, or is it still just a surface-level shift?
Lois: It’s a complex situation because in the U.S. it varies by region and community, and in the world, it varies from country to country. It even varies from family to family, and it is generally very difficult for marriages to stay together. I’m fortunate to live in a state that has been increasingly proactive in legal protection and health care for the transgender community.
Monika: That sounds like a stark contrast. Have you noticed similar disparities within the U.S., particularly for women in more conservative or underserved areas?
Lois: I have trans women friends in the South who are under attack and have lost a lot in terms of family, friends, resources, and career. And I know others in that region who are fearful of transitioning or going full-time because of the likely consequences.
Monika: What about globally? Are there places where the experience of being a trans woman is markedly better, or worse?
Lois: Internationally, it is much easier being transgender in Japan than in Indonesia; in Western Europe than in most of Africa. In Israel, it’s easier to be trans in Tel Aviv than in Jerusalem, and in Brazil, it’s easier in Rio than in São Paulo. There are parts of the culture of Brazil that are very positive toward the transgender community. And yet the number of reports of transgender people, usually women, being murdered every year is downright scary, and their diligence in reporting only accounts for a small percentage of the difference.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Lois Simmons.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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