Monika: Today, I’m thrilled to be speaking with Erica Vogel, a courageous and insightful transgender woman who has navigated both personal and professional challenges with resilience and authenticity. Erica has over twenty years of experience in design and product management, spanning startups to Fortune 25 companies. She holds a master’s in Business Leadership and Management, as well as a DEI certification. Beyond her career, Erica is a queer wife, parent, and a strong advocate for the LGBTQIA+ community. She has served on national leadership teams for corporate LGBTQIA employee resource groups and as a board member for a transgender-focused tech nonprofit. A passionate public speaker, Erica regularly addresses transgender issues in workplaces across the U.S. and she is the author of Advice from Your Trans Aunty (2024), a book that is full of heartfelt advice for those navigating the transgender and nonbinary experience. Hello Erica!
Monika: What inspired you to write Advice from Your Trans Aunty? How did the idea for a Q&A format come about?
Erica: While struggling with wanting to write a book but not having a clue what to write about, my friend Shikka told me to stick to my strengths and write about the advice I’m asked to give so often. She commented on the fact that people often approach me with a variety of questions and that I do such a good job of meeting people where they are with thoughtful responses. Hence, Advice From Your Trans Aunty was born.
Monika: The book covers a wide range of topics - everything from evaluating one’s gender to managing relationships during and after transition. Was there a particular question or theme that was especially meaningful to you when writing?
Erica: The book covers 47 of the most common questions I am asked. As to themes, it is far more about what happens in the transition process than the actions we need to take to transition. I focus far more on the challenges life as a trans person presents us than I do on the specifics of transition honestly.
Monika: In your book, you emphasize that there’s no singular path for transitioning. Can you talk a bit more about how this philosophy shaped the advice you gave in the book?
Erica: There is no one way to be transgender when the term covers trans and non-binary people. Furthermore, the choices we make are personal more than they are universal. Certainly, there are similar steps that trans men or trans women might take, but even within those two areas, there are many paths. With nonbinary people, there are a wide variety of paths to choose from. When we limit our transness to the "right way to be," we wind up restricting people's authenticity and validity, in the same way, trying to be cisgender was limiting and ill-fitting.
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| Available via Amazon. |
Erica: What I have found in my research are a lot of memoirs and a few how-to guides. I have not found many books that focus on the "now what" aspect of being transgender. I hope that this book will enable people to sort out the life difficulties that come with being transgender and that they will understand that their singular experience is part of a broad mural that represents the community. I want trans women to realize that they are part of the community of women but that they also share a community with trans men, non-binary people, and 100 other dimensions of diversity. This is not a book that is much about how to embrace your womanhood, but it is a book about how to embrace yourself and others.
Monika: Your book is written with a compassionate and empowering voice. How did you balance sharing personal anecdotes with providing advice that could apply to readers at all stages of their journey?
Erica: I have always been a storyteller. In everything I do, I typically have an anecdote to help make my point because I find that giving real-life examples helps people understand what I am saying. I truly believe in each person and that we all deserve to thrive. That's where my compassion comes from. Because of this, I have always dispensed wisdom from a place of personal experience and compassion for the person in front of me. The difficulty for me was articulating my advice in words on a page instead of my voice, presence, and emotional expression. I spent a lot of time working on my writing style so that it sounded like something I would say.
Monika: You emphasize the importance of not letting the past hinder one's present. How did you come to this realization, and why is it important for trans individuals to embrace this mindset?
Erica: I've experienced a lot of disruption, bad situations, and traumatic events in my life, many of which I cover in my book. To move forward and make the necessary changes, I first had to learn to do the work to put the past in perspective. Particularly from the point of view that I did the best thing I knew to do at the time, even if later I wished I'd made a different choice. The past is immutable, but how we operate right now is not. As trans people, we often look back at our previous lives with regret that we didn't start to transition sooner. But when we live in that regret and not in the moment where we live our truth, we give up our agency. The past holds important lessons for us but should not be an anchor that drowns us. Do the work to let it go.
Monika: As someone who has lived both as a closeted and an out transgender woman, how has your personal journey influenced the way you approach conversations around gender and identity?
Erica: My father came out as a gay man when I was three. When I was at his house, not only did I get to see men in loving relationships with each other, but I was also exposed to drag culture as I got older. This was also during the AIDS crisis of the 80s & 90s, so I watched how society rationalized the sacrifice of a group of people because of who they loved. At the same time, I saw my mother in loving relationships with men. I always knew that I was queer, but I also knew I was not a boy despite what everyone else thought. As a result, I've understood that gender and identity were not as fixed as many would like to believe. Today, when I talk about gender, it is rooted in my experience, but also in the deep learning I've spent time giving myself by reading experts. I tend to focus on how all gendered expression, from cis to trans people, exists on a spectrum. Frankly, the hate that comes to trans people, primarily trans women, is rooted in unresolved oppositional sexism, misogyny, and in how All women are fetishized. And in that unresolved fetishization, people quite easily switch to derision and hate instead of seeking to understand their own unresolved prejudice.
Monika: You’ve had the chance to connect with thousands of transgender people. How has this influenced your views on the diversity of transgender experiences, and how did you incorporate this understanding into the book?
Erica: I've been fortunate to meet and talk to so many people. That has brought me two gratifying things. The first is that I saw myself in so many others, which truly gave me an understanding of how we are all similar. I used to think I was the only one, but today, I know I am just one person in an incredibly vibrant community. The second thing it brought me was our community's vastly different lived experiences. Truly, there are trans people in every walk of life and community that exists. This has helped me develop a guiding purpose that our community should be inclusive and not exclusive. Further, I have genuinely gained perspective in how I, as a white trans woman, have an entirely different lived experience than a black trans woman, and in particular, that I have more privilege that I need to lend to all of my family.
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| "Today when I talk about gender, it is rooted in my experience." |
Erica: I've held leadership roles in tech since 2009, and that experience has helped shape my views on what it means for people to thrive in the workplace. In the 16 years since, I interviewed hundreds of people, managed them, and had to let a few go. I always focus on what people want from their jobs, what's important to them, and what drives meaning. Considering the human in front of me intersects nicely with my DEI work because that is always focused on individual experiences, even at scale. As such, my advocacy is rooted in individual needs and a deeply held principle that not all people are alike or need the same thing. Because of this, my points of view are always inclusive, not exclusive.
Monika: You’ve been involved in leadership roles for corporate LGBTQIA+ employee resource groups. What role do these groups play in creating inclusive work environments, and what can other companies learn from your experience?
Erica: These groups enable employees to feel that they belong and, more importantly, provide a feedback loop to company leadership on how to ensure their LGBTQIA+ employees' needs are being taken care of. Further, we also typically create programming that might honor all the important days of the year in the LGBTQIA+ calendar, bring in people to speak on various topics, plan events such as pride, and hopefully create community.
Monika: As a frequent public speaker on trans issues, what has been one of the most rewarding experiences or conversations you've had during your speaking engagements?
Erica: It's when people tell me they feel seen and that their experiences have been validated by work that I have participated in that I derive the most reward. My goal has always been for people to know that they are not alone but a part of a vibrant tapestry of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for fulfilling our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Erica: The hardest thing for me was talking to so many friends and family one-on-one or in small groups and the emotional toll that took on me. I spent 3 months coming out to my social group and was anxious the whole time. I was so glad when it was all complete. I didn't lose anyone close; I did have some distant friends slowly fade away. But I'm also the type of person who does not hang on to people who don't really want to spend time with me. I was pretty sure that the people I spoke to were going to stick around because the people in my life have already stuck with me through difficult things. However, some people created problems that needed to be managed, and the people in this group were family members. But today, I only have one person in my life who is occasionally difficult, and as such, they get little of my time. I lost little, but I was working at a progressive company, living in one of the most trans-friendly cities in the world, and had already done the hard work to remove people from my life who were not going to support who I am. My message to your readers here is do not let people stay in your life who are not there for who you are. I know that can be hard with family, but please consider how much of your time they should get.
Monika: Why did you choose Erica for your name?
Erica: Here is an excerpt from my book on this topic: Choosing a name can be quite a debilitating exercise. I made this easier for myself by setting some boundaries for guidance. As someone who has difficulty deciding, I made three rules that helped me narrow the list: (1) it couldn’t be a name shared with someone I knew well and still interacted with because I worried that might look like I was taking their name, (2) my name should be age appropriate; as a child of the 1970s, I wanted a common name at the time of my birth and to try to land on something my mom might have chosen, and (3) I would find a way to honor a family member with my name because I knew that was a choice my mom would make. The end goal I focused on was landing on the name I might have received had all involved known I was a girl.
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| "Choosing a name ca be quite a debilitating excercise." |
Still wanting to honor family members somehow, I pivoted to my grandmother, whom I never met. My grandmother Mary was an army nurse in WWII, serving in a MASH unit, and was supposedly the first woman in the US Army to be injured in the line of duty. I can’t find any info to confirm that, but I have an excellent photo of her on a hospital flight with many soldiers that was used in Life magazine during the war. She met my grandfather, a naval lieutenant serving alongside John F. Kennedy, while she was caring for him in the hospital after his injury. Sadly, she died of breast cancer when my mom was thirteen. Grandma Mary is my mom’s hero. Mom also went into nursing to follow in her mother’s footsteps, despite my grandfather insisting she become a literature professor like he was. My mom was a damn good nurse and worked alongside some of the best surgeons for years. I know she made Grandma Mary proud. Ultimately, after being raised on my grandmother’s legend, I chose a play on her name as my middle name, which made my mom very happy. Finally, I used my partner’s last name in the process because I never felt connected to my father’s name. My wife is my person, and I knew her last name would do very well for me. She didn’t take mine because she’s a feminist badass with a PhD and a published author who proudly chose to keep her last name. My name fits me so well; I adore it.
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Erica: Passing or not, is both a choice and ability. Though some want to blend in for safety or other reasons, we will not truly reach liberation until trans women no longer have to choose to look a certain way based on safety. Further moving beyond society's enforced notions of acceptable gender performance will also help all women, particularly those who are black and brown. That said, accept yourself because you already are a woman. Looks are a terrible metric by which to convince yourself that this is already a true fact. Yes, we all want to be pretty; yes, we all want to be gendered correctly; and yes, we want to move through society without the extra attention. But please, for your sake, the only person that needs to love and approve of you is yourself. Make thar your priority above all others.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Erica: It would have to be when Mackenzie Phillips played a trans woman in 1982 on Season 5, Episode 15 of The Love Boat. Granted, she was not trans, but this was the first thing I saw that clued me into who I might be. I already knew who drag queens were, but I did not see myself in them. Anecdotally, I met Ru Paul once when I still lived in Atlanta, Georgia, before they became nationally known. The first trans woman I met was Pat, who I met at a community event in North Carolina. We spoke briefly, and I did not out myself to her. I remember being in awe that she was living her truth out in the world. It would take me 15 years to do the same.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition that you didn’t expect, either positively or negatively?
Erica: Honestly, it was the loss of privacy in public. Everywhere I go, I am noticed and recalled if someone has seen me before. At work, EVERYONE knows who I am, even if we've never spoken. The same is true at restaurants and stores I frequent. I once went into a new coffee shop and ordered a latte. I did not return for 4 weeks due to circumstances, and when I returned to the store, I was recognized and greeted by name. I write about that more fully in my book. I once spoke at a conference in Las Vegas and was stopped by people who wanted to chat on the strip, in restaurants, and even in the airport. I've gotten used to people taking a look, and it no longer bothers me. Frankly, I barely even notice it anymore. It has served me well on a few occasions, though. Particularly when I attended the Human Rights Campaign National Dinner and had Charlotte Clymer, previous National Press Secretary of HRC, stop by to say hello, give me a hug, take a selfie, and tell me she adores my work.
Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Erica: I didn't have sisters, but I take a little after my mom's style; at least we both love purple. I've always followed fashion, so I was more focused on finding the style that worked on my frame and felt like an expression of myself. At first, I worried I was not feminine enough, but then I realized as I settled in that my mannerism and style of speech were already just as fem as other women's. I never thought that was true until it was pointed out to me. That's when I relaxed and let my natural mannerisms take over. I haven't worried about it much since.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Erica: Oh yes, I experienced this. I went from being respected by my peers to having my knowledge questioned in a few months. I was barely able to get my thoughts out in meetings without being talked over or my ideas being credited to other individuals. Truly, women deal with some awful treatment in the workplace because of misogyny, and the same is true for trans women.
Monika: Looking back, is there anything you wish you had known or done differently during your transition?
Erica: Trust myself more. I spent a lot of time looking outside of myself for validation. Eventually, I learned that being myself, believing in myself, and loving myself was more important than what anyone else thought about me.
Monika: Erica, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Erica: Thank you so much for taking some time to chat with me. I really enjoyed myself!
You can find Erica's book in the following online bookstores: Amazon US, Amazon UK, Barnes & Noble, and bookshop.org.
All the photos: courtesy of Erica Vogel.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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