Monika: Hey everyone, welcome to today’s interview! I’m so excited to be joined by an amazing guest, Rachel Peacock. Rachel is a gamer, YouTuber, veteran, and anime enthusiast, and she’s also a fellow transgender woman who’s been on an incredible journey. Today, we’re having a laid-back chat where Rachel will be sharing her story, talking about her passions, her experiences, and what it’s been like navigating life as a trans woman. Rachel, I’m so glad you’re here with me today!
Rachel: Thank you for having me! I’m happy to speak with you.
Monika: So Rachel, let’s start by hearing a bit about your journey. You’ve got such a fascinating background with gaming, your military experience, and being involved in so many cool things. Gaming has such a huge following, and for many people, it’s a form of self-expression. How did you first get into gaming?
Rachel: That’s a fair observation, I can definitely see it as a form of self-expression for some! Personally I’ve always been into gaming for about as long as I can remember, starting with a dusty old NES when I was 3 or so. My family would sometimes play with me and I enjoyed the puzzles, music, and stories. It’s a safe hobby that keeps you out of trouble. Also with the invention of online gaming, all your closest friends are a button push away! I moved a lot through my life but was able to keep close. Some people look down on gaming like you have no social life, but I could argue the opposite.
Monika: It’s interesting that so many transgender women, including yourself… and myself, are drawn to gaming. Do you think it’s a bit of an escape, a way to temporarily step away from the challenges we face in the real world? Or do you think gaming offers something more, like a chance to be anyone you want to be?
Rachel: That’s an interesting question! I think you could say that for some people it certainly offers a sort of escape from reality! For me personally, my love of the hobby never started as an ‘escape’. I think I would love it the same, trans or not, and I have always loved gaming as a medium for telling a good story. You and I can watch the same movie or read the same book; but if you and I played the same game, we may have different experiences entirely! Different paths, feelings, or endings altogether!
I think the way games put you into the story firsthand is the most unique and fascinating thing about gaming. I also think there is something to be said that it brings people from all walks of life together. I have friends with missing limbs that I play with. I have friends in other countries. I’ve had the pleasure of working with ‘extra life’, a charity organization for sick kids! Now some of these kids can’t go outside and play ball with you, but they can play a game. I think that’s really special. I think gaming not only offers a unique medium for storytelling but also is a hobby that is equally available to everyone.
|
| "My love of the hobby never started as an ‘escape’." |
Rachel: Well first off, I was in the Air Force actually- not the army haha; But if I can do it, anyone can; and trust me, I cried A LOT. As far as why I took that path, I would say it was a bit of a roundabout way. I had family that served, and I was always aware of the benefits and had people preaching it in my ear... but it was not my first choice by any means.
I originally went to college and got a degree, and then became certified in architecture and blueprinting with a program called AUTOCAD. Life went on and I to this day never touched my degree. I worked for a tech company doing a tier 2 tech support for corporations, and it was horrible. By the time someone ever got to talk to me, they talked to someone else for 30 minutes and then were transferred to me and they were… not very happy. With the anonymity of the phone, people took out their rage on me from noon to midnight every day and it got very depressing.
So then comes the military. I suppose I had an idealistic, and perhaps unrealistic view of the military from movies and games showing bands of brothers die for one another, and I wanted that. Rather than have people tell me I’m worthless and to end my life, I wanted to be supported and valued. I ended up enlisting because I wanted to have some sort of respect and value in others' eyes.
Monika: I’m curious - during your time in the Air Force, did you meet any other transgender women, or were you mostly navigating things on your own? I imagine that could’ve been pretty isolating at times.
Rachel: It was very isolating! But funny enough, I DID actually meet one other in a strange way. Long story short, I went to therapy and talked to doctors for a long time when one day my therapist asked my permission to give my info to another of her patients on base in the hopes we could connect and somewhat help each other navigate through things. I agreed and contacted them through text making small talk.
After a bit of time and asking where each of us lived on base, question after question we found out…. WE WERE ROOMATES! I NEVER would have guessed and we had both been hiding it from each other extremely well. We both very much presented male at the time and were overcompensating HARD!
Monika: So, how did you go from military life to being a social media star? Was it like one day you were just playing a game, and suddenly the internet was like, ‘Hey, you’re famous now!’? Or was there some master plan behind it all?
Rachel: Oh wow haha I don’t know if I’d consider myself a ‘star’! But no I can definitely say there was no ‘master plan’ or anything like that. It all boiled down to luck for me. I was incredibly depressed at the time, and almost nobody knew my dark secret except one or two of my closest friends and my therapist. I hurt so much, and so deeply, I just couldn't stand it anymore!
One day, I realized that I couldn't feel any ‘worse’, and that I didn’t even want to live. I didn't care if I lost my family, my friends, my job… I was so low I felt I had nothing to lose... and in a dark sort of way when you lose all fear, it’s a frightening amount of freedom. What did I have to lose? Nobody could make me feel worse! I made a Facebook announcement of my feelings and my secret, publicly, and threw my phone after hitting ‘post’, crying into my pillow for hours.
To my pleasant surprise, though I did lose some friends and family, a vast majority of people showed me kindness and acceptance. Some people I never even expected in my wildest dreams stayed! Buff macho marine dudes, and men I had heard make derogatory jokes in the bar, all expressed their support. I cried happy tears and started transitioning. The initial video I posted that blew up was a sort of video diary I made. It was for me to document my emotions and changes.
I watched another woman who also transitioned ‘Sona Avedian’ and cried and cried seeing someone who felt like I did. Her journey through the Marines and transformation into a gorgeous woman. I posted my video diary in a sort of homage to her, thinking that if even one person felt like me and saw it and could benefit, it would be worth it.
Monika: You’re one of the lucky ones who got the support for your surgery thanks to social media. Was it like a crowdfunding miracle, or did you have an army of internet angels behind you?
Rachel: I was incredibly blessed yes! I never imagined I would have been able to get my surgery, but I am blessed and so very thankful. I recognized many of the donations, some friends and family pitching $5 here or there... and as time went on, people I did not know added as well. I was actually very short on funds even months later and then some true angels took it into their own hands.
|
| "Growing up as a ‘trophy son’ I never really stepped outside of that act." |
Monika: Not all transgender women choose to have gender reassignment surgery, but for you, it was clearly important. What made it the right choice for you?
Rachel: It was a combination of things. On the one hand, you could say I didn’t have a choice! Though I was not enlisted in the military anymore, I did still work as a civilian contractor and held a high-security clearance for the work I did. Part of holding that involved having my documentation match, and some things, like my birth certificate did not match. My state of Arizona required surgery to change it. It boiled down to having surgery, or losing my livelihood; and because I was born here, there was nothing I could do about it.
Now, luckily for me I didn’t feel forced because of my job, I did actually want the procedure regardless. For those that don’t care about the surgery, I think that’s lucky and certainly a lot cheaper and easier! For me, I have always hated the parts I was born with for as long as I could remember. It was uncomfortable in clothing, and I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I wanted the freedom to go to the gym in leggings, or the water park without a bulge and just experience life like the overwhelming majority of other women in the world. Now I have that and I am so very grateful it was possible.
Monika: I gained a few extra kilograms post-surgery, and you’re staying slim like it's no big deal. What’s your secret? Do you have a secret workout routine, or are you just running away from snacks?
Rachel: Hey I’ll take those extra kilos - I could stand to gain weight haha! Honestly, I’m pretty out of shape these days, I need to start jogging again. I do light yoga and an exercise bike every so often. Otherwise, overall I think it’s just lucky genetics.
I do try to balance my diet with vitamins and all the food groups; but other than that, my diet is chaos! One day is a nice Caesar salad and water, and the next is a double bacon cheeseburger and Mountain Dew, I’m not picky at all! Everyone’s body is different so I would say to try and contact a Dr to form up a plan that works for you with your body and goals! Different foods and exercise affect people in various ways!
Monika: Let’s talk fashion! What’s your usual go-to look? Any styles or trends you’re really into these days?
Rachel: I wish I knew more to be honest! I was never really around fashion or makeup or anything like that so even now I am still learning! I’m not sure how I’d describe what I wear… gamer chic? Usually, comfortable things that I like to match colors with. YouTube is a godsend with tons of tutorials for beginners, and I think for me, I honestly just pick stuff I am attracted to. If I see a girl I think is pretty in person or a show or ad, I just make a mental note and give it a try myself. I would say to take a day out at a public place like a mall, and just look.
People watch and see how other women carry themselves. How do they act or dress? Copy others and if it sticks, great, if not, you aren't married to a style. Try everything! I highly recommend thrift stores! I had a Goodwill and a Savers near me at one point and they would sell tons of cute things for nickels! Take advantage of cheap stuff, I got a full closet of things for the price of maybe 2 shirts at a mall or online store! Not only can you find some crazy deals on name-brand stuff, but you can try out more styles.
As trans women, we didn’t get to grow up with it, go through what was popular, or have those embarrassing fad phases. Up the quantity and don’t be afraid to just try things! Lately, I am liking edgy goth girl-type stuff.
Monika: Are you all about experimenting with makeup, or do you prefer a more simple ‘just enough’ vibe to get out the door?
Rachel: I find that for me I don’t wear a ton of makeup! I prefer a fairly natural look and when I do wear it, it’s subtle enough to compliment the color of my eyes and skin. I tend to go for a classy and neutral look I can match with just about any outfit! I save my brighter colors and lipsticks and the like for special occasions or holidays and events. I am interested in trying more styles and colors, however!
|
| "I was never really around fashion or makeup or anything like that." |
Rachel: I can’t say I relate to that, but I do find it understandable why you would do that! For me, I hid my feelings incredibly well, and would aggressively avoid anything that would get me made fun of. Growing up as a ‘trophy son’ I never really stepped outside of that act. I would sometimes imagine in my mind, but wouldn't dare in reality. I would daydream of being some of the girls in shows I loved like ‘Lizzie McGuire” or ‘Caitlin's Way’! Most often, however, I would just live vicariously through women I dated. It was easy to turn the thought of “Wow that is adorable I wish I could wear that” into, “Wow that looks wonderful on you, you’re beautiful!”. I was always jealous but honest in my compliments of other women.
Monika: Do you enjoy the compliments on your looks, or do you ever think, ‘Okay, I get it, I’m fabulous!’?
Rachel: I think everyone enjoys being complimented! Humans are social creatures and I think it’s healthy- I try to go out of my way to compliment everyone I see in day-to-day life, especially men who hardly get them. You would be surprised how much a “ Hey I like your hat “ or “ I love your nails” can really brighten someone’s day. Even now I am not completely happy with my looks, but I try to remain positive, and I think compliments to anyone is always a sweet gesture. It makes me feel really good when someone takes the time to say something kind to me or another person.
Monika: There’s this whole “passing” or “non-passing” thing we all face, and even with surgeries, society still judges us. How do you deal with that pressure?
Rachel: That’s a hard question with no easy answer. I think overall I am fortunate enough to “pass” in most social settings, or at least most people don’t say anything, but there are days I look in the mirror and still just see a man. I still struggle with dysphoria and passing too but I think it’s important to break it down.
First, realize that even cis people get misgendered. You can see the most passable trans person, and people will still go out of their way to misgender them simply to be hurtful! Also as trans people, we should be honest with ourselves. If you have a full beard and a deep voice, but walk into a store in a dress and hear “sir”, you shouldn’t be oblivious to social gender norms. Try not to take things to heart that everything is an attack and politely correct them.
With that said, also remember that you could be cis and still misgendered. It’s like when we were kids and accidentally called the teacher “mom/dad”. It happens to EVERYONE. Maybe the person was tired. I struggle with how I see myself too, but there are so many others who have it worse and are happy. I have friends who are burn victims and get looks because of circumstances but still love themselves. It’s not easy, but the most important opinion of you, is your own.
END OF PART 1
All photos: courtesy of Rachel Peacock.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
No comments:
Post a Comment