Monika: Today I am meeting Lisa Myyah, an American woman who chronicles her transition on social media. Hello Lisa! Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Lisa: Hi Monika, thank you so much for the platform to share my story and for what you do. It’s pretty inspiring that you choose to chronicle so many transwomen and their stories.
Monika: Could you say a few words about yourself?
Lisa: Of course. My path to transition was not quite a linear path, and it was one filled with a lot of doubt. I had crossdressed on and off in secret and for years before I even thought to transition. I think my earliest memory of wearing women’s clothing was when I was 12. I didn’t even really know why I did it, but I remember going into my mom’s bedroom and sneaking her clothes, going into the bathroom so that I wouldn’t be caught if she came home from work. I was definitely filled with a lot of shame.
In my 20s I continued crossdressing, but very much on a part-time basis. It wasn’t until my mid-30s that ‘Lisa’ really started to take shape. But even then, ‘she’ was dressing mostly in secret. I was out to only one person at work. My family certainly didn’t know. I was too afraid of taking further steps and I certainly didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, nor did I feel comfortable addressing it within myself.
It really wasn’t until 2021 that I started to question the idea of ‘transitioning’. I started dating someone who really started to probe at the question ‘What if you could push a button and become a woman?’ That hit hard for me. I had noticed a great deal of inner turmoil whenever I would dress, take photos, and then remove my wig and clothing Truthfully, I felt pretty gross about it. I was dressing as a woman for social media and for streams, yet I would go to the grocery store as a guy, and live my daily life as a guy? I hated that feeling.
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| "My path to transition was not quite a linear path." |
After much debate internally and with my partner at the time, I eventually worked up the nerve to meet with an endocrinologist to start hormones in May of 2022. I told myself I would see how the changes progressed. I knew full well that I could even start to develop breasts (irreversible without surgery), but I wanted to stall coming out as long as possible. It wasn’t until December of 2022 that I felt compelled to come out, and it was with the full support of my manager at the time. I owe that person a lot for helping me find the courage to have that conversation with my co-workers at the time.
By January 2023, I was fully out to everyone, both in my professional and in my personal life. Unfortunately, I was let go a week after coming out. That was *not* an easy time. It definitely influenced my attitude for a while there. In a way, it was positive as I could turn the page and have other people ‘see’ me in a different light. They wouldn’t have the comparison of what I used to be and how I used to look like.
Monika: What inspired you to share your intimate life moments on social media?
Lisa: I started out on Instagram in late 2020 during my crossdressing days. I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time and didn’t put much thought into it. I liked the attention that I could get by showing off my ‘other’ side. Later, as I transitioned, my page turned into a way for me to keep myself honest. I wanted to keep putting myself out there in a public way as if to show that I was not afraid of others’ judgments. I felt that I was no longer going to hide from the world.
Monika: Do you get many questions from your social media followers? What do they ask for?
Lisa: I get messages every now and then, usually from someone complimenting my appearance, or how they are looking to start hormones. Sometimes I’ll get people asking how to restore their hairlines or grow their hair out (I had male pattern baldness before that thankfully has since improved!).
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| "I felt that I was no longer going to hide from the world." |
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Lisa: Oh, yes. As I mentioned earlier, I lost my job after I transitioned. I can’t go into specifics, but it was extremely difficult. I went into a deep depression. But it was too late for me to go back into the closet. I needed to keep pushing forward. Truthfully, I’m amazed at the strength I had to continue pushing forward. I didn’t realize until much later that I DID have that strength and determination.
The other hard part was adapting to living in society as a transgender woman. Previously, I dressed very much for social media or out in the real world for a few occasions. I didn’t dress or necessarily ‘act’ as what it would be like to be living as a woman on a daily basis. That was a massive adjustment. Crossdressing and going out to a bar or to dinner every once in a while is such a different experience from full-on transitioning.
Monika: Why did you choose Lisa for your name?
Lisa: I wish I could remember! It’s strange. I really have no recollection of how, when, or why I chose this name. I do remember a co-worker joking that I picked the name of someone across the hall of another co-worker with the same name.
‘Myyah’ is not my actual last name, though, that’s a pseudonym I took on for social media!
Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition?
Lisa: Oh, yes. I don’t have much in the way of family, but I would say that my ex was very surprised as well as my one surviving parent. I don’t know that anyone really saw this coming.
Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?
Lisa: Absolutely, yes. Despite being conflicted in 2022, I remember it feeling ‘right’ at the time. It still feels right. I really can’t argue with the results. Sure, there are aspects I’d love to have improved, but overall, it’s been great for me.
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Lisa: This is a difficult one for me to answer. Every person is different. I will say I had felt similarly trapped by the ‘passing’ syndrome when I first came out.
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| "Be patient with yourself but also with others." |
I realize that it might be easy for me to say all of this now, at the present time. I was dealing with a bit of darkness in my first year of transition. I was wearing a lot of platform boots and heels (I’m already tall at 6’0”!). I *wanted* to be noticed. I wanted people to know I was transgender. It probably was not the healthiest way to approach my transition, but I will say that pretty much everyone I encountered responded to me in a positive way.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Lisa: I didn’t have much exposure to transgender women, or to LGBTQ individuals and topics growing up. I grew up in a more conservative area. I only knew what I knew at the time.
I’ve heard other people reference that the first time they saw a transgender person was on the Jerry Springer show. That was also my experience. Of course, they were portrayed as ‘freaks’, and naturally being someone who didn’t think much otherwise, I joined in on that chorus internally. A lot of the media I grew up with was either overtly, or worse, lowkey anti-LGBTQ. Gay people were treated as stereotypes. Transgender people were portrayed as freaks.
It wasn’t until I joined a queer online speedrunning group in late 2020 that I really started having exposure to other LGBTQ people. I very much had lived in the dark.
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Lisa: My partner at the time was my biggest supporter. Other people in the speedrunning community respected my pronouns and presentation. People in my streams were also very supportive. I didn’t feel I had any transgender sisters at the time to lean on for support. I was also very new and didn’t want to be more of a burden. I felt I had to do the legwork myself.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Lisa: I think we’re in a much better place than it was during the 90s and 2000s. There are so many more transwomen out in the world now and they are more accepted. The ones I talk to generally have more support, too. I think that’s fantastic. I felt at the time I had to transition alone as I knew no one in person to lean on for support, and sometimes I resented it. Honestly though, I am glad that people today seem to have more support. And the more exposure there is, the more others may feel empowered to come out.
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| "Love for yourself is the most important." |
Lisa: In the summer I wear a lot of crop tops and dresses. I feel I wear a lot of black. I love high heels. I’m kind of basic that way lol. At work, I may wear dresses, blouses, or sometimes suit jackets and dress pants. I would say I’m fashionable, but I don’t know that I follow any noticeable trends! I dress for what makes me feel comfortable and confident in myself.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Lisa: I certainly obsessed over it at the beginning of my transition. I feel I’m in a much better place with it, both in how I choose to wear it and in my skill level. It is less ‘needing’ to wear it to ‘pass’, and more that I enjoy wearing it nowadays.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Lisa: I loved it during my first year. I felt I strongly needed it. It was the encouragement I needed to continue with my transition. I needed others’ approval as I didn’t have many people in my life to boost me. As time went on, I found I needed it less and less. But it is still nice to receive compliments. You want to be received warmly by the world, right?
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Lisa: Yes. It was nerve-wracking. I definitely displayed a lot of ‘fake it til you make it’ confidence at the time. I will never name names, but this was before my hair extensions and hair highlights. I was wearing a blouse with a skirt and heels. I believe it was March 2023, two months after coming out. One of the interviewers had misgendered me multiple times during the interview. Determining intent is oftentimes a losing battle (and not one worth having with yourself or with people imo), so I can’t say if they did it on purpose or if it was by accident. It still stung at the time though.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Lisa: I really don’t put a lot of stock into that for myself. As I mentioned above, I personally feel that judging intent is difficult. Is someone avoiding eye contact with me because I am transgender? Or is there another reason? I don’t read too much into it most of the time.
I definitely felt as a transgender woman during my first year that I needed to compete extra hard. That was just what I had set for myself, though. I don’t know that anyone else around me really put that pressure on me except for myself.
I actually feel that I get treated with more respect now. I believe that’s likely due to how I carry myself nowadays - I carry myself with a lot of confidence and self-respect.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Lisa: Be confident in yourself. Present confidence to others. Don’t make your transgender identity a focal point in interviews. People will be interested in you if you can do the job. Yes, if you are newly out, it can feel difficult to put forth a presentable appearance without feeling like you are either overdoing it (such as with makeup) or that your presentation feels ‘sloppy’ (ill-fitting clothes, etc.). It matters more that you have a good ‘vibe’ and that you can do the job expected of you. You can ask about LGBTQ initiatives during an interview, I feel, but I would say try not to make it about yourself.
The phrase ‘act as if you’ve been there before’ comes to mind. Even if it is a new experience to *you*, the more you pretend as if you’ve done it before, the more confident you will come across.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Lisa: Love of others is wonderful. Love for yourself is the most important. People may come and go throughout your life. That might sound melancholic. But if you can rely on your self-love, that will help carry you during difficult times. Again, this is another thing that is easier to say than to explain. I lacked self-love for many years. Even during my transition, I lacked it at various points. But it is always there.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Lisa: For the first year up until the beginning of the last year, I felt very defensive. I felt I was surviving. I think I projected more of a happy face than I was necessarily feeling at times, only I didn’t quite realize it until this year.
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| "I feel pretty good about where I’m presently at." |
It will also be interesting to go back and read my answers here in 5-7 years!
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women who are afraid of transition?
Lisa: It’s cliche, but if I can do it, you can do it. I felt I had the deck stacked against me (both in ‘passing’ and in what I felt was a lack of support at the time). I found the strength within me to transition, because I could not go one more year without living as ‘me’. You could also approach it the way I did - baby steps. The sooner you get started in A direction, though, the sooner you will be on a path. I transitioned when I did, but of course, I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I had started sooner.
It also may feel a bit rough at first, depending on your own internal and external support system. If you were crossdressing like I was, nothing can quite prepare you for what it’s like living as a transgender woman on a daily basis.
Eventually, though, you will likely hit a stage where you feel more comfortable. It will just take time and continued exposure.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Lisa: I can agree with the sentiment. Other transgender women have provided an inspiration for me and shown me the kind of life I want and need to live for myself. But I feel you have to be careful not to ‘idolize’ them in a way that is damaging to your core self.
I do agree that we should not limit our potential by how we were born. And we should let our dreams flourish, however they may seem out of reach at first. I never thought I would start hormones, I never thought I would transition, and I never thought I would reach this level of ‘success’ in my transition. Who knows what else is possible?
Monika: Lisa, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Lisa: Of course!
All the photos: courtesy of Lisa Myyah.
© 2024 - Monika Kowalska
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