For nearly 55 years, music was Nikita Carter’s language. As an avant-garde improvising saxophonist and composer, she thrived in a world of sound, vibration, and connection, creating bold, unconventional music that spoke directly to the soul. In August of this year, she added a new title to her creative résumé: published author. Her debut book, a project nine years in the making, grew out of a period of solitude when she had no one to confide in and was trying to make sense of her life. Much of it reflects on her gender transition in her 60s, placing her among the relatively small number of people who transition later in life. She describes that experience as carrying both the advantages and the scars of living for decades in a privileged role, and then stepping into an identity with profoundly different societal power dynamics. The transition brought significant losses. Many former friends, collaborators, and professional contacts disappeared from her life, and her career in music suffered as a result. She also faced risks that had not been part of her life before, including ridicule, social invisibility, and even the threat of physical violence. Among the most frightening episodes she recalls was being wrongfully arrested and imprisoned in Mexico.
Her decision to transition was shaped by a series of personal traumas, most notably a serious car accident. She views this incident as a breaking point that dismantled the walls she had built around herself, allowing her authentic identity to finally emerge. Creatively, Nikita’s philosophy is rooted in the principles of Black avant-garde improvisational music, which prizes the cultivation of a distinct personal voice that exists in harmony with others. She believes that human beings are interconnected through a shared web of life, and that her own role is to be one authentic voice within that larger symphony.Now in her later years, she sees her life as a testament to the value of living authentically, despite the personal costs. She wants her story to resonate not only with LGBTQ+ readers but with anyone searching for the courage to be themselves. Aging has heightened her awareness of time and strengthened her resolve to create and connect with purpose. Just as she once pushed the boundaries of sound, she continues to push the boundaries of self-expression, offering her story as both inspiration and proof that reinvention is always possible.
Monika: Hello Nikita! Welcome to The Heroines of My Life!
Nikita: Hello Monika. Thanks for having me!
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| "The saxophone truly allows me to express myself as a being." |
Nikita: The saxophone, like all instruments, carries history and symbolism beyond just sound. Music has always been a vessel for freedom, self-expression, and resistance, and that makes it threatening to regimes or movements that want to control people’s spirits as well as their actions. The saxophone in particular has often been tied to rebellion, sensuality, and breaking boundaries, so it’s not surprising that it could be labeled “imperialist” or dangerous.
When I play, I’m not only making notes, I’m channeling emotions, stories, and truths that can’t always be spoken in words. That energy can inspire, challenge, or even frighten people depending on where they stand. Music bypasses the intellect and goes straight to the heart, and that’s why it can be so politically powerful.
Monika: If your saxophone could talk, what’s the first thing it would say about you?
Nikita: In the oral traditions of music, the saxophone truly allows me to express myself as a being. It allows me to fully inhabit my voice. I feel fully alive when I play. I communicate most fully and most deeply.
Monika: How many times a week do you have to explain that a saxophone isn’t a trumpet?
Nikita: In the musical work I’m engaged in, I don’t encounter that often these days.
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| "My transition has dramatically changed every relationship and social interaction I have." |
Nikita: Early in my career, I used to practice on the street and would often busk for money as well. It was interesting interacting with passersby, as they felt entitled to talk with you as you played. It led to many absurd as well as dangerous situations. Gigs ranged from bars and nightclubs to theatres and outdoor festivals. Whether I was performing for 10,000 or for 2, it was part of the learning experience.
Monika: After years as an avant-garde improvising saxophonist and composer, you’ve moved more toward songwriting and storytelling. What inspired this shift, and how does it feel to use your creativity in a new way?
Nikita: After coming out and my “gender transition,” there has been an evolutionary process that involved physical recovery from a head-on car accident. There are a number of reasons that I describe in my book. Over the course of that decade, I basically disappeared from the public eye. As a consequence, my place as a male with a long music career disappeared.
Upon my return, that place simply no longer existed. As I contemplated how to cope and deal with that new reality, I was faced with the question of how to respond to it. I chose to return to my roots, which were song form and storytelling.
I have access to the knowledge and experience of a long career and apply it to this new situation. It’s very challenging as I sort out how to take on this new reality in a music and career workplace that is rapidly changing and radically different from the one I knew as a much younger songwriter and singer.
Monika: You’ve spent nearly 55 years in the music world before becoming a published author. How has this long journey in music shaped the way you approach writing today?
Nikita: I’ve always written poetry, prose, practical writing, as well as song lyrics and librettos. My experience in the creation and production of music has given me confidence in my skills of thinking, organizing, and working to schedules and deadlines.
Monika: Your book Both Sides of the Great Divide (2024) took nine years to bring to life, and it began as a way of making sense of your personal experiences. What inspired you to write such an intimate book?
Nikita: When I first came out and started to transition, I couldn’t find a therapist to help me process what I was experiencing as an older trans person. I had more than a decade of therapy throughout my life, and I was able to process my situation by myself by writing about it.
Over the course of several years, I thought that what I was writing about might be helpful to others, both trans and cis, to understand the kinds of things I was perceiving and feeling. Over time, I decided to frame the book around the idea of “what compels profound change in one’s life, knowing that there is a high price to pay.”
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| Available via Amazon. |
Monika: Transitioning in your 60s gave you a unique perspective, carrying decades of experience from one identity into another. How did those earlier years shape the woman you are today?
Nikita: That’s a very complex question, and again, I refer to my book as I discuss that at length. In short, I learned a great deal from my mother. She was a strong and courageous woman at a time historically that still continued to be very difficult for women.
Monika: Choosing a name is such a deeply personal decision, one that can hold layers of significance and meaning. How did you come to choose the name Nikita? Does it carry a special resonance for you, perhaps representing a part of your journey or embodying a particular feeling or aspiration?
Nikita: I had several different names that I tried on. I settled on Nikki at first, as it seemed feminine, playful, unique, sexy, and flirtatious. When I legally changed my name and gender, I thought about Nikki and thought it was fine as a short version, but in reflection I considered what it would be short for. I didn’t feel like a Nicolle, but Nikita occurred to me as having some gravitas, dignity, and uniqueness in my mind.
Monika: Transitioning is not just a personal journey; it also reshapes our relationships, especially with those who support us. Have you noticed a shift in how people treat you since your transition?
Nikita: My transition has dramatically changed every relationship and social interaction I have. I have a few close friends, but for the most part I feel more isolated and alone than I ever have.
Monika: During your transition, did you have any transgender role models who inspired you or helped guide your journey?
Nikita: No. The search for those role models came later. My role models have been loving people of all sorts.
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| "I feel like my Yin and Yang is in balance." |
Nikita: It has taken me a number of years to finally feel like I am comfortable in my own skin. I feel like my Yin and Yang is in balance. No regrets.
Monika: The journey to being our true selves often comes with a heavy price, losing friends, family, and sometimes even our jobs. What was the hardest part of coming out for you, and how did you navigate it?
Nikita: All of it. Losing friends, colleagues, my career, and my credibility. I went from living my life at the top of the social food chain as a privileged white male, and now live at the other end of the social spectrum.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Nikita: I have my music and a meditation practice to stay centered and connected to what is important to me.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Nikita: Over the last decade, transgender women have become more visible and consequently a tangible target for hate. I have seen and experienced that. I have chosen to take my skills and experience as an arts advocate and bring that to being a trans advocate in my life and in my work world.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Nikita: I felt that way initially for a handful of years. That passed as I became more comfortable with myself and found myself called to spend my time and energy socially in other, more compelling ways.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Nikita: I dress differently in daily life and on stage as a musician and performer.
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| "I dress differently in daily life and on stage as a musician and performer." |
Nikita: I used to wear makeup every day. Now, eyebrows and lipstick do it unless I’m on stage
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Nikita: I feel feminine and beautiful. Compliments are nice, but my sense of feeling beautiful comes from within.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Nikita: I think I do feel that, but generally, I do my best and live with that. I feel like I have a good sense of fashion and style, and I love to take time to put my daily look together, whether it’s a dress, a skirt and top, or jeans and a top. That being said, I have a fairly extensive wardrobe.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Nikita: Just how normal I feel now in my new incarnation.
Monika: How has love shaped your life and your journey as a transgender woman? Could you share what role love plays in your personal growth and happiness?
Nikita: I have the love of my chosen family. I sought romantic love but haven’t found it yet.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Nikita? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Nikita: I’m working on writing a trilogy, putting a new band together, and writing music for upcoming rehearsals. I’m also planning a cross-country book launch tour that has been delayed. I look forward to it all with great excitement.
Monika: Nikita, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
Nikita: You’re most welcome, Monika. You’ve asked some wonderful and challenging questions. I wish you the best of luck in all that you do.
All the photos: courtesy of Nikita Carter.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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