Interview with Sarah Coffey

Monika: In the country of my guest today, people are enjoying autumn now. Sarah Coffey is an Australian transgender activist and the author of “Sweetgrass: The Girl in the Dream” (2022). Hello Sarah! Thank you so much for accepting my invitation. 

Sarah: Thank you for having me, I don’t really see myself as an activist, just a voice, hoping to be heard.

Monika: It seems that your book generates a lot of interest. You are invited by many media to share your story and promote your book. Is there any question that you have already been tired of answering? I will try to avoid it.

Sarah: In fact, you’re only the fourth media, so, no I’m not yet tired of questions.

Monika: Could you say a few words about yourself? 

Sarah: I’m a 62-year-old woman living in Queensland’s tropical north. I completed my transition in 2012 and see myself as an ordinary woman with an extraordinary past. No longer trans. I’m single and attracted to women.

Monika: Many of us live the lives of wives, mothers, and daughters, trying to forget about our past. You have decided to be an advocate of transgender rights and be vocal about our positive image in society. Have you ever felt the temptation of being in the closet, being a woman rather than a transgender woman?

Sarah: I’m not an advocate for trans rights, rather, I’m trying to be a counterpoint to some of the negative trans things going on around the world. Whilst I am definitely not in the closet, and try to educate wherever I can, I do not offer up my past to whoever asks, it depends on who’s asking. I have never felt ‘stealth’ to be an option for me as I transitioned later in life. I spent most of my life lying about who I am and have no intention of spending the remainder of my life lying about who I was.

Monika: A couple of months ago, you published “Sweetgrass: The Girl in the Dream”. What inspired you to write it?

Sarah: It actually started out as a therapy task with my psychologist when I was in transition. You see, my natural inclination is to internalise everything, this was a way of getting it out. After I finished my transition, my best friend suggested it should be a book, so I wrote the first part, she thought there should be more still so I wrote the last part. I then decided to publish mostly so that all the famous people with a platform could see that we do not do this on a whim and that the consequences are enormous for ourselves, our friends, and our families. If they read Sweetgrass perhaps they may find a little kindness and understanding when attempting to erase us.

"I have never felt ‘stealth’ to be an option for me as I
transitioned later in life."

Monika: Which aspects of your transition story could be useful for other transgender girls and women?

Sarah: One of the biggest lessons I learnt was not to try to be a woman. I realised this when the root cause of my dysphoria was that my gender was female. So, trying to be something I already was became very counterproductive. So the best thing I can say is “Just do you”.

Monika: By the way, why did you choose Sarah for your name?

Sarah: I’m actually named after a cat. When I was filling out the forms for my name change I was thinking of a cat I had when I was 16 whose name was Sarah. Before I knew it I had written Sarah on the form.

Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about coming out?

Sarah: I lost the love of my life, 3 of my 4 children, 6 grandchildren, my mother for 7 years, 3 sisters, my home, my job, my career, my unfinished degree. I also lost my male privilege and any social standing I may have had. In the eyes of many I also lost my humanity. 

Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition?

Sarah: My children were but my ex had always known but chose to ignore the conflict inside of me. With others, it varied some were surprised but others knew there was something troubling me.

Monika: You have said that you lost your mother for 7 years. Does it mean that in the end she accepted you as her daughter?

Sarah: Yes, she did. I write about this in Sweetgrass. I only ever needed the acceptance of two people, one was my ex, who never did accept me and the second was my mother who called me ‘daughter’ at our last meeting in 2018.

Monika: And your sisters? Didn’t they change their mind? In my case, it was my sister who accepted me unconditionally as a woman. I had more problems with my parents.

Sarah: My eldest and younger sisters rejected me from day one and I haven’t spoken to them in many years. My youngest sister only rejected me 3 years ago. My brother was the opposite, he really rather rejected me before I transition but has been a wonderful support since. He is the only family I have left after my youngest son died 3 years ago and my mother passed 2 years ago.

Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?

Sarah: I am lucky in being a realist. I knew that because of my age hormones would have a limited effect, and testosterone had many years to change my body. I am however satisfied with the effects. Softer skin, softer emotions, and some breast growth.

Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?

Sarah: I can’t say I ever worried too much about passing or not, the realist again. I didn’t start transition until the age of 48 so I have always expected people to know I have a trans past. Misgendering was a much bigger problem for me, it was like death by a thousand cuts. Ultimately, misgendering was motivation to seek FFS.

"One of the biggest lessons I learnt was not to
try to be a woman."

Monika: For me, FFS was a life-changing operation that allowed me to tackle my gender dysphoria. I am just curious about your own experiences. When we contemplate facial feminization surgery we always face two options: to undergo extremely deep changes to be feminine and beautiful or light changes to be feminine but preserve something from our character. Is there any third option?

Sarah: The FFS surgeons I went to were quite clear in their objectives. They would feminise what I already have, they would not change my face to the extent that I would look different. Their procedures would just remove the male markers on my face. They told me that they weren’t in the business of making ‘Barbie Dolls’, which was a relief as I couldn’t think of anything stranger than a 57-year-old Barbie. Personally, I only ever wanted to be a female me. I don’t think there is a third option, rather I think there is only one realistic option if you don’t want to look like you’ve had plastic surgery.

Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?

Sarah: I do, she was a very dear friend who came out to me. I didn’t join the dots until I sought professional help in 2003.

Monika: What was your reaction to her coming out?

Sarah: In 20:20 hindsight I feel my reaction was inadequate. I told her I had crossdressed for years and it was no biggy. You see, I had no real understanding of myself let alone be of any use to her. I had long since buried my true self and failed to tell her I was the same as her.

Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?

Sarah: I transitioned almost alone, I had a friend that went with me to Thailand, and we recovered together. Apart from her, there was no one.

Monika: I had my SRS in Thailand too. I will never forget when I was having my SRS in Thailand and in the hospital I could see many young girls waiting for the operation and being accompanied by their mothers. I wish I could have had such support myself. Were you surprised by the number of girls and women waiting for SRS in your hospital? I was absolutely stunned myself, as I used to think that I am so unique…

Sarah: I had been in transition for 3 years by the time I got to Thailand and so was beginning to finally understand that I was not the only one. There were about 30 girls in the hospital and hotel while I was there, girls from all over the world, some I became firm friends with and am still in contact with 11 years later. Some had relatives or partners with them which made me a little sad for myself. Only my brother enquired about me while I was there. Although I was with another trans woman, she had her surgery 2 days before me and we shared a hotel room for recovery. I felt terribly alone and abandoned. And a little envious of those that had family or spousal support.

The book is available via Amazon.

Monika: Thailand is a fascinating country. Did you have a chance to do some sightseeing?

Sarah: Not really, although the clinic did arrange days out to the beach and a local elephant park. I wasn’t really up to venturing too far. My surgery left me exhausted so post-op I saw an awful lot of our hotel room before the very long flight home.

Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?

Sarah: It remains difficult in Australia with no state-funded trans healthcare and parts of society still struggling with our existence. The last couple of years as seen a marked increase in anti-trans rhetoric. None of the political parties have a specific trans policy. Access to trans healthcare remains the biggest problem. We are not yet suffering the anti-trans laws that people in the US or UK are dealing with but the anti-trans voices are growing louder.

Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?

Sarah: Living in the tropics comes with perpetual summer fashion so you’ll usually see me in summer maxi dresses or long skirts and singlet tops or sometimes in bootleg jeans boots and feminine tops. If I’m staying at home, shorts and a T-shirt are the go-tos. Maybe a bit Bo-ho or hippy chick, rarely formal.

Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?

Sarah: It has been rather the opposite, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t try to be like anyone, just me. I do see this in some other girls that are in transition, seems to cause them a fair bit of anxiety. No woman looks 100% feminine, it would be like chasing a cloud.

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?

Sarah: I’m like any other woman, I love people to think nice things about me and when they take the time to let me know it’s wonderful. Teaching myself to accept compliments is an ongoing project, I’m getting there.

Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?

Sarah: Yes, I do. I was terrified. I had so many horrible things said to me during my transition at the application level. It was with our postal service and was just like any other interview. The only reference to my transition was to inform me of the company’s discrimination policy.

Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?

Sarah: I would say yes, I have been treated differently like I’m an idiot. I suspect it’s because men, in particular, don’t really see me as either a woman or trans. Some men have made me feel less than human so I would say that mostly I get treated as less than a woman by some men.

"I knew going into transition that I would most likely spend
the rest of my life alone."

Monika: What would you advise to all trans women looking for employment?

Sarah: Dress in office wear, little makeup. Show confidence in yourself. Do not address yourself as a trans person, there’s no need. Just a woman looking for a job.

Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?

Sarah: I run a small, local support group, which tries to help with the practical aspects of transition and since I published my book, I have an increased voice, which I’m trying to use to educate the cis world.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Sarah: I knew going into transition that I would most likely spend the rest of my life alone. My attraction didn’t change in transition so I was attracted to women before and remained attracted to women after. I knew that 80% of lesbian women would not date a trans woman, so I only have a very small pool of possibilities. I have an awful lot of love to give and would dearly love to have someone to hold but it appears not to be.

Monika: Have you ever tried online dating?

Sarah: I have, it was a disaster. On one site I was attacked by TERFs, on another by a predatory crossdresser. In three years, I didn’t get a single date and only a couple of enquiries so I gave it up.

Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?

Sarah: You will most likely come to a point where there will be no choice, as it was for me. Fear will trap you and take you down if you let it. There are no rules to follow and no one to please except yourself. Your transition will be as unique as you are. If you look inside, you will see the strength of the woman you have always been.

Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Sarah: Oh, absolutely. I have not only achieved my dreams but I live a life of peace and contentment. It can be done.

Monika: Sarah, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!

Sarah: Thank you.

All the photos: courtesy of Sarah Coffey.

© 2023 - Monika Kowalska