There are some lives that read like a journey of constant rediscovery, and Alexus Sheppard’s is one of them. From her early days growing up on a conservative farm in rural Kansas to becoming a writer, educator, blogger, activist, and happily married woman, Alexus has walked a path marked by courage, transformation, and love. For decades, she searched for a way to reconcile the expectations of her upbringing with the quiet but insistent truth of who she really was. That search, filled with resistance, self-discovery, and ultimately acceptance, led her to embrace her authentic self as a transgender woman. Alexus has long been a pioneer in creating spaces where transgender voices can be heard and understood. Back in 1997, when most people were only beginning to explore what the internet could be, she launched one of the first websites dedicated to documenting the realities of transgender life. What began as a deeply personal outlet quickly grew into a resource that inspired and reassured countless others who were embarking on their own journeys. Over the years, her honest reflections, combined with her willingness to share not just her triumphs but also her struggles, made her something of a celebrity within the transgender community.
This year marks an especially exciting chapter for Alexus with the release of her memoir, From Both Sides Now. The book, available on Amazon, iTunes, Barnes & Noble, and Nook, gathers her decades of writing, her memories, and her insights into one sweeping story that is as intimate as it is universal. At its heart, it is a story of love, love for her wife Deborah, love for her two daughters, and perhaps most importantly, the self-love that made everything else possible. Whether describing the challenges of navigating a twenty-two-year marriage before coming out, the life-changing clarity that came after battling cancer, or the magical fairy-tale quality of her wedding day, Alexus writes with both vulnerability and strength. Her memoir is not just a recounting of her own life, but also a call to others: a reminder that authenticity, however frightening, is the only path to freedom. She believes deeply that the answers we seek are already within us, waiting for us to listen to that quiet inner voice. And she reminds us that no matter how political or personal the conversation gets, the foundation of every truth worth telling is love.
Monika: It is my great pleasure and honor to interview Alexus Sheppard from the USA. Alexus recently published her memoir From Both Sides Now, which is available on Amazon, iTunes, Barnes & Noble, and Nook. She is an accomplished author, educator, transgender activist, blogger, and a happily married woman with two wonderful grown daughters. Welcome, Alexus!
lexus: Hello, Monika. And thank you for this interview.
Monika: Could you share a little about yourself and the path that has shaped your life?
Alexus: My life has been a series of contradictions and expansions. Since I grew up on a farm in rural Kansas, I was raised much like any other conservative, Midwestern, Christian child. But even with this very structured childhood, I was aware at an early age that something was different about me. As a result, I never felt that I “fit” into any particular group of children. This inner angst was the early seed of my life as an “outsider” and decades later would lead to the start of my spiritual journey away from a conservative and traditional life.
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| Available via Amazon. |
Monika: I still remember your website vividly. It was one of the very first online spaces dedicated to helping transgender women embrace their journey toward womanhood…
Alexus: My website started in 1997 as an ongoing blog of my early adventures into self-discovery. Since I came from such a conservative background, the uncovering of my authentic transgender self was certainly not without inner resistance. As a result of this turmoil, I tried desperately to be “just a crossdresser” and remain in my heterosexual marriage of twenty-two years. The act of writing on my website was an outlet for my feelings and helped clarify the direction of my journey.
Monika: When did you first come to understand that you weren’t “just a crossdresser,” but a woman?
Alexus: I actually realized I was transsexual at a “gut level” the very first time I was made over at the gender salon in Denver, way back in 1997. But I immediately pushed that realization away, trying desperately to continue as “just a crossdresser” until my cancer experience just a year later. So, in reality, it took fighting cancer, through nine months of chemotherapy and radiation, to give me the clarity of knowing my truth. Once that realization was clear, there was no turning back.
Monika: What inspired you to start writing your autobiography?
Alexus: As you know, I started out with an online website/blog over 20 years ago (oh my goodness, where does the time go?). As I began my transgender journey, I started writing articles that described my adventures in my newly discovered world. Because I posted lots of pictures along with the stories, the website quickly became quite popular.
Monika: Beyond your blog, what other experiences helped shape your voice as a writer and advocate?
Alexus: I also attended several transgender conferences to learn more about myself and the community at large. Somehow, apparently due to the random combination of my conference attendance, my budding website, and the dramatic explosion of the Internet at the time, I became somewhat of a “celebrity” within the transgender community. I began to hear, over and over, from my friends and online acquaintances, “You need to write a book!”
Monika: With so many people encouraging you, what kept you from starting the book right away?
Alexus: Even though I heard this request literally hundreds of times, I still resisted. But as the years went by, the amount of material I began to accumulate became substantial. I even started a book a few times, but because I had no publishing experience, I felt completely overwhelmed and really didn’t know how to begin.
Monika: How did you come to realize that publishing your own book was possible?
Alexus: A few years ago, my oldest daughter, Nikki, took me to a multi-day motivational seminar given by a man named James Malinchak. His audience was filled with hundreds of people who had been successful in various careers but were still searching for that nebulous “something.” Many of them gave testimony to the fact that, because the publishing industry has changed so dramatically over the past decade or so, almost anyone could now publish a book. A completely new self-publishing industry, along with print-on-demand printing, has made publishing a book achievable and affordable to almost anyone.
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| Beautiful bride. More photos. |
Monika: Once you discovered this new path to publishing, what were your first steps toward turning your idea into a book?
Alexus: So with this newfound motivation and energy, I began to assemble and organize all my blogs, stories, and pictures. Pretty soon, I had an accumulation of things that would create about half of a reasonably sized book. But I was still very much in the early stages of creating a timeline for my story and making an overall organizational outline. Then the Universe created a serendipitously amazing event.
Monika: How did the story with the oysters begin?
Alexus: Yes, one weekend my wife, Deb, suggested we take the train into the city to get some fresh oysters. Since we both love oysters, it didn’t take much convincing for me to agree, and off we went. When we arrived at the Ferry Building in San Francisco, our favorite seafood restaurant was closed for remodeling. We were disappointed, but as you can imagine, in a large city like San Francisco, there are many waterfront restaurants with oysters.
Monika: So where did you end up going instead?
Alexus: We walked to another nearby restaurant, but because it was a nice Saturday afternoon, the place was absolutely packed. We asked about reservations, but the maître d’ said they were booked for the rest of the day, although we could stand in the bar area and wait for a table to open there.
So we waited for about thirty minutes, trying to figure out who might finish first. Then we saw a couple sitting at the bar, and the man was reaching for his wallet to pay the check. We immediately moved into “nearby hover” position so we could grab their seats as soon as they stood up. Mission accomplished, we had a seat at the bar!
Monika: Once you finally had your seats, how did the rest of the afternoon unfold?
Alexus: We ordered our oysters, along with some other appetizers, and then the people sitting next to us got up and left as well. The thirty-something couple who then sat down were quite friendly, and we struck up a conversation about how busy the place was and how wonderful the food would be when it finally arrived.
Monika: What happened once you started talking with the couple at the bar?
Alexus: After exchanging names and very much in the early stages of our casual get-acquainted conversation, the lady looked over at me and asked, “So Alexus, are you a writer?” I was completely flabbergasted! I answered, “Well, apparently I’m supposed to be.” I asked her why she would ask such a random question out of the blue, and she simply responded that I had the energy of a writer (whatever that is).
Monika: How did you respond to her observation?
Alexus: I told her I was starting on a book, but was floundering a bit and lacked direction. She then said, “If you’re serious about this, and you’re actually ready to go, I can hook you up with people who can make it happen.” I almost fell off my barstool! Really??? She went on to say she had worked in the publishing industry for many years and that she still had friends who were editors, writing coaches, publishers, etc. So I told her I was definitely serious, gave her my contact information, and then we all had our oysters, champagne, and delicious appetizers. I was stunned!
Monika: Did she really follow through on that promise?
Alexus: A couple of days later, she sent me an email with the name of a writing coach/editor who said she’d be happy to help me through the process. That was just a little over two years ago, and the rest is history. Absolutely amazing, isn’t it?
Monika: What lessons from your journey do you think could help other transgender women?
Alexus: Essentially, we all have a very unique and individual path to self-discovery. No two lives are the same, and no two journeys will be identical. We can all draw inspiration from the lives of others, but ultimately, we must find our own way. Your answers are always inside you, speaking as that very soft and persistent inner voice. My book goes into great detail about the ways in which I found my unique path.
Monika: One of the highlights of your book for me was the story of your wedding with Deborah, and that unforgettable wedding dress!
Alexus: Ah yes, that beautiful wedding dress! It was a custom gown designed and sewn by Autumn Adamme of Dark Garden Corsetry and Couture in San Francisco. Autumn and her staff are unbelievably creative artisans and were, in large part, responsible for turning my wedding day into an absolute fairy tale.
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| First glamour shoot. More photos. |
Monika: What was it like to stand there in that gown, feeling like a princess, ready to marry the woman you love?
Alexus: It was absolutely a fairy tale come true! Everything about it was surreal. The amazingly extravagant gown, the redwood forest setting, my beautiful wife-to-be, our wonderful family and friends in attendance, the food, the wine, the music, etc., etc., etc.… When I look back at those pictures today, I still almost have to pinch myself to realize it actually happened. By the way, many of those pictures are posted on my website.
Monika: How would you describe the role that love plays in your life?
Alexus: Life is all about love. In fact, the subtitle of my book is One Woman’s Journey to Love and Living Life to the Fullest. But regardless of how important it is to have another person in your life with whom you can share love, the most important type of love is self-love.
Without the love of self, you cannot truly love another person. You simply cannot give away that which you do not possess within yourself. We have been taught that self-love is sinful and selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. Once we learn to love ourselves, it opens us up to the infinite possibilities of loving others in a way that can truly change the world. No matter what the question might be, the answer is always love.
Monika: How would you describe the current situation of transgender women in American society?
Alexus: Until the recent presidential election, I would have said the situation for transgender women had improved substantially within the past few decades. Unfortunately, with the recent change in the White House, the governmental support for LGBT progress will most likely revert from progress to regression.
Not only will we not continue to achieve more freedom of self-expression, but I am also afraid that we will be driven back into the shadows by the hateful rhetoric of the conservative right. We will resist and we will fight, but it will be an uphill battle until we once again have a rational and compassionate person in the White House.
Monika: Can you share when you began your transition, and what the process was like for you?
Alexus: I began my transition at the age of forty-five. As I described on my website and in my book, I lived most of my adult life subconsciously repressing my authentic gender. That was both good and bad, because it protected me from living with active gender dysphoria, but at the same time, I lived with constant angst that “something” was wrong. I just didn’t know what the problem was.
Once the gender conflict was uncovered, the process toward transition moved relatively quickly. Of course, there was that nasty detour year with the whole cancer thing (tongue-in-cheek wink), but after that, the transition was relatively quick and easy.
Monika: During that time, were there any transgender role models who inspired or guided you?
Alexus: My earliest role model was Christine Jorgensen. I didn’t understand why at the time, because I was very young when she transitioned. But I knew she fascinated me, I simply didn’t understand why. Later in adult life, and after confronting my newly discovered gender dysphoria, I was inspired by Carolyn Cossey, Lynn Conway, and Becky Allison.
Monika: And today, are there transgender women you especially admire or respect?
Alexus: I admire and respect any transgender woman who lives her life openly and proud. This would include Andrea James, Calpernia Addams, Jenny Boylan, Marci Bowers, Leslie Townsend, and many, many others. And while I do not agree with most of the political views expressed by Caitlyn Jenner, I will admit that she did bring transsexuality, and the necessarily related discussions, into the prime time living room of almost every living American (and around the world as well). So for that, she deserves at least a modicum of respect.
Monika: Looking back, what was the most difficult part of your coming out journey?
Alexus: Not wanting to hurt my children. And as it turned out, not only did I not hurt them with my transition, I indirectly gave them permission to live their lives authentically as well. As a result, they are both strong and successful women.
Monika: How did your daughters respond to your transition? Did they accept you immediately, or did it take some time?
Alexus: My older daughter, Nikki, was in college at the time and was majoring in musical theater, so she accepted me right away. My younger daughter, Erika, was a little slower to accept the real me. It took her about six months to come around to the realization that I was actually a completely “normal” woman.
END OF PART 1
All photos: courtesy of Alexus Sheppard.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
