Growing up in a small, religious working-class town in upstate New York during the 1950s and 1960s, Danielle Bergan knew from the age of three that something inside her did not fit the expectations placed upon her. For decades, she tried to bury that truth, building a life behind a carefully constructed mask while struggling with loneliness, addiction, and despair. Yet her journey did not end there. Sobriety, self-discovery, and finally the courage to transition at the age of 54 opened the door to the life she had once believed might never be possible. Today, Danielle is an author, speaker, and transgender advocate whose memoir, It’s Always Okay To Be Me: A Journey to Recovering Lost Hope, grew out of her desire to help others find their own way back to hope. Her story reaches beyond the transgender experience, touching anyone who has struggled to overcome addiction, self-hatred, fear, or the feeling of being lost. As she says so beautifully, discovering that she could simply be herself brought her a freedom she had spent a lifetime searching for.
In this heartfelt interview, Danielle looks back on her childhood, the years she spent hiding her true self, her battle with addiction, and the turning point that eventually led her home to herself. She speaks openly about transitioning later in life, finding support, facing the fear of telling her family, undergoing gender-affirming surgery, writing her books, advocating for the transgender community, and discovering the simple but profound happiness of no longer pretending to be anyone else.
Her journey is a beautiful reminder that there is no deadline for becoming yourself, that healing can begin even after years of darkness, and that, no matter how long it takes to find your way, it is always okay to be you.
Monika: Today I am going to take you to the Hawaiian islands where my guest lives and works. Danielle Bergan
is an author, transgender advocate, and speaker. In 2012 she published her book "It's Always Okay To Be Me: A Journey to Recovering Lost Hope", which became the catalyst for her passionate transgender advocacy platform. Hello Danielle!
Danielle: Aloha Monika! I hope you are well.
Danielle: Aloha Monika! I hope you are well.
Monika: Let's start with the present. What are you doing for a living these days?
Danielle: Well, as a writer, we do whatever we can, you know, "the starving artist." I am still writing and trying my hand at working for New York Life. They have helped so many people over the past few centuries; I was attracted to their ethics. I'm also working in a small restaurant as a cashier. Both jobs involve helping people, which is exactly why I wrote my book.
Danielle: Well, as a writer, we do whatever we can, you know, "the starving artist." I am still writing and trying my hand at working for New York Life. They have helped so many people over the past few centuries; I was attracted to their ethics. I'm also working in a small restaurant as a cashier. Both jobs involve helping people, which is exactly why I wrote my book.
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Autobiography available
via Amazon . |
Danielle: I wanted to share my story with the world for a few reasons, but mainly to help others. My story is not just for the transsexual who still suffers, but for anyone who is living a life addicted to drugs or alcohol. (I found clarity in my life when I got clean and sober in 2001). So far, my book has been received well by both these groups. It just makes me smile with gratitude to know I am helping someone else.
Monika: Let's go back to the beginning. Where did you grow up?
Danielle: I grew up in a small town in upstate New York during the 50s and 60s. It was a working-class town, very middle American. It was also a very religious community, mostly Catholic.
Monika: Take me into your childhood. When did you first feel that you weren't meant to be a boy, or later a man?
Danielle: I first knew I should have been born a girl when I was three. I used to tell my mother this, and initially, she wrote it off as jealousy of my newborn sister. When the insistence of my gender identity continued, she'd become exasperated and would say, "Danny, you are not a girl, you are a boy. I don't care what goes on in that head of yours. God created you as a boy, and God never makes a mistake!" I'd argue with her, but I eventually gave in when I began school and was immersed in the teachings of the Catholic Church.
I was confused, alone, effeminate, shy, and scared of the world. In private, I'd play with my sister's dolls or cross-dress. When I realized I needed to become a boy on the outside, I modeled myself after my older brother. He was fearless and an athlete. Eventually, I became good at sports. I was still in fear of my inner thoughts of wanting to be female, but on the outside, I looked like any normal boy.
Monika: For so many transgender girls, school and university are remembered as the hardest, most discrimination-filled years. Was that true for you as well?
Danielle: Well Monika, I never came out until I was an adult, so this did not affect me. In fact, while I cross-dressed through high school and college, I remained deathly afraid I'd be caught by someone.
Like a lot of trans gals, I overcompensated my maleness. As an athlete, I played football, basketball, and baseball. It hid my true identity from the world. All through my adult life I lived in denial of my female side. I grew to hate myself as both Daniel and Danielle. Alcohol and drugs, which I used to cope with life, numbed my feelings. I considered suicide many times.
Fortunately, I recovered my clarity when I got clean and sober through a 12-step program in 2001. This, followed by intense emotional therapy, led me back to myself. I am a very lucky woman today!
Danielle: Well Monika, I never came out until I was an adult, so this did not affect me. In fact, while I cross-dressed through high school and college, I remained deathly afraid I'd be caught by someone.
Like a lot of trans gals, I overcompensated my maleness. As an athlete, I played football, basketball, and baseball. It hid my true identity from the world. All through my adult life I lived in denial of my female side. I grew to hate myself as both Daniel and Danielle. Alcohol and drugs, which I used to cope with life, numbed my feelings. I considered suicide many times.
Fortunately, I recovered my clarity when I got clean and sober through a 12-step program in 2001. This, followed by intense emotional therapy, led me back to myself. I am a very lucky woman today!
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| Danielle as Judy Garland in 1998. |
Danielle: I began my transition at age 54, as I was a late bloomer. I knew what the process entailed because I spent many years engrossed in transsexual chat rooms online. I planned carefully and was totally ready when I began.
My support mostly came from women I was close to in my 12-step program, and one other transsexual woman who was in fact older than I. She was a year ahead of me in transition and paved the way for me. She helped with the name change, etc. Since I live 5,000 miles away from my family, I held off telling them until I was 8 months into transition.
Monika: What about passing as a woman, was that ever a struggle? And did cosmetic surgery play any part in your transition?
Danielle: I rarely had any problems. The advent of hormones into my system allowed me to pass quite well.
Facial feminization surgery was never a consideration.
I was quite an expert on using makeup from my days as a drag queen. I just toned my look down and was easily absorbed into the local business community like any other businesswoman.
Occasionally, on the telephone, someone would call me sir, but in person, it was always Danielle, Ms. Bergan, or ma'am.
I was quite an expert on using makeup from my days as a drag queen. I just toned my look down and was easily absorbed into the local business community like any other businesswoman.
Occasionally, on the telephone, someone would call me sir, but in person, it was always Danielle, Ms. Bergan, or ma'am.
Monika: Modern cosmetic surgery has made transitioning in one's late 50s or 60s far more realistic. Do you believe it, and what advice would you give women considering it at that age?
Danielle: Well, I am living proof that this is possible, as I turn 60 this year. My surgery was in 2010. In fact, my book would really be an asset for the older trans woman. It proves it is never too late to become the woman of your dreams!
My advice is to get as much help as possible from therapists, endocrinologists, electrologists, friends, family, and any local transgender support group. Go online, meet others like you. There is so much available these days in terms of assistance for transition.
Above all, once you know it is your path to transition, just be who you are. It takes courage to be your authentic self, but do not do it alone!
Monika: Were there transgender role models guiding you at the time, and how much did you actually know about transgenderism back then?
Danielle: As I mentioned before, my knowledge of transgenderism was extensive prior to transition. Transgender chat rooms and all the information on the internet gave me a solid foundation of knowledge. I went from not knowing much of anything to becoming extremely astute on who I was.
My main role model was another sober transsexual woman online. She was a down-and-dirty gal who advocated that transition is not for wimps! I agree. It takes ultimate courage and sacrifice to become our true selves. One should do it only for oneself, not anyone else.
Cross-dressers often try what we transsexuals go through and are usually happy to go back to being men in dresses. It's not dressing up or pretending. Transition is a serious, life-changing business.
Danielle: Well, I am living proof that this is possible, as I turn 60 this year. My surgery was in 2010. In fact, my book would really be an asset for the older trans woman. It proves it is never too late to become the woman of your dreams!
My advice is to get as much help as possible from therapists, endocrinologists, electrologists, friends, family, and any local transgender support group. Go online, meet others like you. There is so much available these days in terms of assistance for transition.
Above all, once you know it is your path to transition, just be who you are. It takes courage to be your authentic self, but do not do it alone!
Monika: Were there transgender role models guiding you at the time, and how much did you actually know about transgenderism back then?
Danielle: As I mentioned before, my knowledge of transgenderism was extensive prior to transition. Transgender chat rooms and all the information on the internet gave me a solid foundation of knowledge. I went from not knowing much of anything to becoming extremely astute on who I was.
My main role model was another sober transsexual woman online. She was a down-and-dirty gal who advocated that transition is not for wimps! I agree. It takes ultimate courage and sacrifice to become our true selves. One should do it only for oneself, not anyone else.
Cross-dressers often try what we transsexuals go through and are usually happy to go back to being men in dresses. It's not dressing up or pretending. Transition is a serious, life-changing business.
Monika: If you had to name the hardest part of your coming out, what would it be?
Danielle: I'd say the fear of telling my family. I did not want to lose them. While my sister had an inkling about my plans, I feel I caught everyone else by surprise. While they did not understand, they all gave me their blessing through their love and their wanting me to be happy. I feel at times they are still a bit uncomfortable with my change, yet they are all getting used to me as Danielle. Like most things in life, it just takes time.
Danielle: I'd say the fear of telling my family. I did not want to lose them. While my sister had an inkling about my plans, I feel I caught everyone else by surprise. While they did not understand, they all gave me their blessing through their love and their wanting me to be happy. I feel at times they are still a bit uncomfortable with my change, yet they are all getting used to me as Danielle. Like most things in life, it just takes time.
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| Danielle in September 2011. |
Monika: Your gender reassignment surgery took place in Trinidad, Colorado. Looking back, how do you feel about the clinic?
Danielle: Dr. Bowers was wonderful, and her staff was the best! Robin, who runs the office, was hands-on months before surgery, during my stay there, and the following year after. She always helped me in every way possible. I am totally happy with my surgical outcome. Cosmetically speaking, I have a perfect vagina, according to my personal physician.
The facility, San Rafael Hospital, left a bit to be desired though. After surgery, I was abandoned in the operating room by the nursing staff from the floor I was to recover on. Luckily, my anesthesiologist realized what was happening, and he brought me back to my room.
When we arrived, there was no IV to hook up to, and the inflation bags on my legs were not plugged in (these inflate and deflate to prevent blood clots). Fortunately, my best friend Mimi was there, and she raised a huge stink with the nursing staff on the floor. I was taken care of quickly after that. The next day I filed a complaint with the head nurse.
In 2011 Dr. Bowers moved her practice to San Mateo. There are no longer any surgeries in Trinidad, as far as I know.
Monika: And what did it feel like, that moment of finally being a woman?
Danielle: The day I began my transition I experienced a feeling of total freedom. I was completely at home in my heart and soul. It was the same feeling I had when I first began hormones. Upon entering surgery I was completely ready, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Unless you experience it, the emotions are hard to describe.
Monika: If you had to pick one thing, what do you love most about being a woman?
Danielle: What I enjoy most is not pretending to be anyone else but me. There is no more hiding or worrying someone will discover who I really am. I am a literal open book (pun intended). For this, I am grateful on a daily basis.
Monika: Has marriage ever been part of your story? And how did a spouse, if there was one, respond to your transition?
Danielle: I remained single my entire life. I think I secretly knew someday I'd transition, so I never wanted to put a wife or children through the same pain I suffered. Unfortunately for me, it led to a very lonely life.
Monika: Stepping back for a moment, how would you describe the current situation for transgender women in American society?
Danielle: Dr. Bowers was wonderful, and her staff was the best! Robin, who runs the office, was hands-on months before surgery, during my stay there, and the following year after. She always helped me in every way possible. I am totally happy with my surgical outcome. Cosmetically speaking, I have a perfect vagina, according to my personal physician.
The facility, San Rafael Hospital, left a bit to be desired though. After surgery, I was abandoned in the operating room by the nursing staff from the floor I was to recover on. Luckily, my anesthesiologist realized what was happening, and he brought me back to my room.
When we arrived, there was no IV to hook up to, and the inflation bags on my legs were not plugged in (these inflate and deflate to prevent blood clots). Fortunately, my best friend Mimi was there, and she raised a huge stink with the nursing staff on the floor. I was taken care of quickly after that. The next day I filed a complaint with the head nurse.
In 2011 Dr. Bowers moved her practice to San Mateo. There are no longer any surgeries in Trinidad, as far as I know.
Monika: And what did it feel like, that moment of finally being a woman?
Danielle: The day I began my transition I experienced a feeling of total freedom. I was completely at home in my heart and soul. It was the same feeling I had when I first began hormones. Upon entering surgery I was completely ready, mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Unless you experience it, the emotions are hard to describe.
Monika: If you had to pick one thing, what do you love most about being a woman?
Danielle: What I enjoy most is not pretending to be anyone else but me. There is no more hiding or worrying someone will discover who I really am. I am a literal open book (pun intended). For this, I am grateful on a daily basis.
Monika: Has marriage ever been part of your story? And how did a spouse, if there was one, respond to your transition?
Danielle: I remained single my entire life. I think I secretly knew someday I'd transition, so I never wanted to put a wife or children through the same pain I suffered. Unfortunately for me, it led to a very lonely life.
Monika: Stepping back for a moment, how would you describe the current situation for transgender women in American society?
Danielle: We are an emerging group. Today, because of those of us like myself, Lana Wachowski, Candis Cayne,
and Jenny Boylan, trans women who are willing to tell the world our story, we make it easier for those who
follow.
It is also so important to remember transsexuals who have fallen to violence and death, like Rita Hester, Gwen
Araujo, and most recently Sage Smith, who is feared dead but remains missing. These women gave their lives to
be who they are. Their memory helps raise awareness among the general population that we as transsexuals need to be
accepted like everyone else.
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| Taken before Christmas of 2010. |
Monika: We're witnessing more and more transgender women coming out, and unlike in past years, some now hold real celebrity status, Lana Wachowski in film-directing, Jenna Talackova in modeling, Kate Bornstein in academic life, Laura Jane Grace in music, Candis Cayne in acting. Do you expect that number to keep growing?
Danielle: There will be many more to follow us, and they will do great things. There seems to be no lack of courage
among us trans women. Eventually, we will be accepted like other races and creeds were before us. History
proves that. Until then, I will keep pushing and advocating in my little nook of the world for equal rights and
acceptance of our community.
Monika: And yet, alongside that progress, horrifying stories still surface, like Chrissy Polis, beaten by two teenagers in a McDonald's for using the ladies' room. What do you think it will take to stop this kind of violence?
Danielle: I'm not sure there is a way to prevent senseless violence. However, through education, raising awareness,
and political advocacy, we can combat the ignorance that breeds this type of insanity. It is unfortunately learned
behavior handed down from parents to their children that seems to be the main root of potential violence. Of
course, certain religions also do their best to discount the reality of who we are, too.
Most recently the Catholic Church is the worst culprit. Under the guise of God, the church has moved to paint a
picture that the LGBTQ community is made up of evil sexual perverts who only want to prey on normal people. It is
seriously hard to believe this kind of thought process could come from an organization that is supposed to
represent God's teachings on Earth.
To me, the essence of who we are is a community of loving and caring people just looking for the same things
everyone else does: love and acceptance. For this reason alone, if Jesus were alive today, I believe he would be
appalled at the Catholic Church and its actions towards us.
Monika: Here's a bold one, do you think we'll live to see a transgender woman become President of the United States?
Danielle: Not in my lifetime, LOL, maybe yours. First, we need a woman of any kind to be elected... Hillary
Clinton, get well soon!
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| Danielle in July 2012. |
Monika: Beyond the memoir, you also published a poetry collection called "Breezes." What did you want those poems to say?
Danielle: My poems in Breezes were mostly forlorn and lonely love poems. I was very young, in my teens and early
twenties. At that time I was still in denial of myself and felt the love of a woman could make me a man like my
body told me I should be. I was hopelessly confused at that time of my life. A few poems conveyed
my internal conundrum, yet they were well hidden.
Monika: Have you ever tried your hand at writing for children?
Danielle: I wrote one book that still needs a good illustrator. It is very Dr. Seuss-like. Someday I will go back
to it and get it in print. Today, though, it is not a priority.
Monika: Let's talk fashion. What's your everyday style, and are there designs, colors, or trends you gravitate toward?
Danielle: I love fashion, but I am not really a fashionista. My best friend Mimi is, though, and my wardrobe reflects her expertise. I dress my age, very businesslike at work. Nice blouses, long skirts, 2" to 3" heels.
However, I can also dress to the nines and look hot on a night out. Like most island gals I know, though, I like casual when I am off work. Get me a tank top, some board shorts, and a flower in my hair, and I'll meet you at the beach!
Danielle: I love fashion, but I am not really a fashionista. My best friend Mimi is, though, and my wardrobe reflects her expertise. I dress my age, very businesslike at work. Nice blouses, long skirts, 2" to 3" heels.
However, I can also dress to the nines and look hot on a night out. Like most island gals I know, though, I like casual when I am off work. Get me a tank top, some board shorts, and a flower in my hair, and I'll meet you at the beach!
Monika: How connected are you to your local LGBT community these days?
Danielle: More and more, now that the book is published. I had a booth at our last Pride Day in October, and a few weeks before, a local newspaper did a feature article on me. Many people thanked me for raising awareness. I am currently working to begin a local trans woman support group. It is taking time, but we will be meeting soon.
Danielle: More and more, now that the book is published. I had a booth at our last Pride Day in October, and a few weeks before, a local newspaper did a feature article on me. Many people thanked me for raising awareness. I am currently working to begin a local trans woman support group. It is taking time, but we will be meeting soon.
Monika: One last question, would you say you're a happy woman now?
Danielle: I am grateful every day that I am a nicotine-free, clean, and sober woman! I love myself completely, and I
love my life! I am truly blessed because I know it is always okay to be me.
Monika: Danielle, thank you so much for your answers!
Monika: Danielle, thank you so much for your answers!
All the photos: courtesy of Danielle
Bergan.
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