Interview with Jessica Janiuk

Jessica Janiuk’s journey seems to have taken shape somewhere between childhood curiosity, quiet introspection, and the vivid inner world of a self-described nerd who grew up loving Star Trek, Transformers, and Thundercats. Raised in the small Wisconsin suburb of Delafield, Jessica was an introverted child who secretly cross-dressed and, by the age of seven or eight, was already beginning to understand something profound about herself: she was a woman. The road toward accepting that truth was not simple. Her late teens and early twenties brought intense gender dysphoria, depression, financial difficulties, and the painful realization that the person she saw in the mirror did not match the person she knew herself to be. Yet her story is also one of remarkable self-discovery. While in college, Jessica began researching transgender issues partly because she had so few sources of guidance herself. Knowledge became a source of strength, and eventually she began sharing what she had learned through university talks, websites, and conversations with others. In a sense, she became the role model she had once needed.

 

Her transition brought challenges, including strained family relationships, the loss of friendships, financial pressure, and discrimination in the workplace. It also brought unexpected kindness and support from friends, university faculty, staff, and members of her wider community. A particularly meaningful turning point came after months of voice training and beginning hormones, when she returned to college and discovered that people were responding to her differently. For the first time, the distance between her inner and outer selves seemed to be fading, replaced by what she describes as a feeling of peace and harmony. But Jessica's world extends far beyond transition. She is a web developer, writer, photographer, gamer, aviation enthusiast, music lover, and community organizer. She has photographed airplanes, dreamed of becoming an aeronautical engineer and earning a pilot's license, played the trombone, immersed herself in everything from classical music to rock and video-game scores, and embraced a personal style she affectionately calls “Geek Chic.” She has also become a mentor to younger transgender people, offering others the information and reassurance that she once had to find for herself. It is a pleasure to welcome Jessica into this conversation and to revisit the experiences, passions, and convictions that have shaped her remarkable journey.

 

Monika: For today I have invited a special guest. Jessica Janiuk is an American gamer, software engineer, writer, photographer, and transgender activist from the sunny state of California. She is known for her blog on which she shares her transition story. In addition, Jessica is a community organizer with Google's GDG and Women Techmakers programs. Hello Jessica! How lovely of you to agree to be included in my blog.

Jessica: Thanks for having me.

Monika: Let's start with the basics. What do you do for a living these days?

Jessica: I'm a web developer for a trailer hitch company based in the state of Wisconsin, in the US of A. It's a very glamorous job involving multiple computer monitors and pale skin from lack of sunlight.

 

Photoshoot by Ken Williams.

 

Monika: And before that? Where did you grow up?

Jessica: I grew up in a small suburb of Milwaukee, Wisconsin called Delafield. It had between 5,000 and 8,000 people while I was growing up. I think it's larger now though due to urban sprawl.

Monika: Take me back to your childhood for a moment. When did you first feel that being a boy, or a man, simply wasn't who you were?

Jessica: My childhood was filled with nerdy and geeky things. I was very much into science fiction, Star Trek, Transformers, Thundercats, etc. All the typical stuff 80s kids were into, I was into as well. I cross-dressed at a very young age, but I was very secretive about it. I was also very introverted and quiet.
In high school, people used to say you had to pry my opinions out of me. I was that introverted. I really didn't understand what depression was until much later, but looking back, I was definitely dealing with some depression back then. It didn't really come to a head until college though.
I don't know exactly when I first realized I was a woman, but I know I had a lot of experiences that told me I was different. I was probably 7 or 8 when I could first put the word “woman” to who I was.

Monika: Many transgender women say that school, college, or university was the most traumatic period, full of discrimination. Was your experience similar, or did things unfold differently for you?

Jessica: The traumatic times for me were more due to inner turmoil than anything else. I did deal with a little bit of discrimination, but I wouldn't say that the trauma I experienced came from other people. I went through strong periods of gender dysphoria around ages 18 through 21. My depression hit hardest during my first year in college. I struggled so much that I got terrible grades and dropped out. It took a year of soul searching to finally begin to understand who I am and start to accept myself as a woman.
After that time off, I was headed in the right direction, but once I recognized who I am, the dissonance between who I am inside and how I looked became really difficult for me. That's where the most trauma for me was, and it really motivated me to transition.

Behind the scenes at the photoshoot.

Monika: Let's talk about the transition itself. At what age did it begin, and was it a difficult process? I'm curious, too, whether you had support from family or friends, and whether it had any impact on your job situation.

Jessica: Emotionally and mentally, I think the transition process began as a child, but as far as when I started seeking out the physical change process goes, I was around 21. I was in college, and that made it a bit of a challenge because I had no money. A lot of the costs of transition, like hair removal, hormones, etc., went on credit cards. Buying a new wardrobe while in college is not easy.
That said, I had a lot of support from friends, faculty, and staff at the university, from members of the community at large, and eventually my family. I was really surprised by the positive reactions I got from people. I think those that had issues with it largely kept to themselves.
My family did have problems with it early on, but as time passed, they realized it was not a phase. I'm very lucky when it comes to family. I was even a bridesmaid at my sisters' weddings. I did have issues with my job at the time, though. There's a fairly well-known big-box store chain in the USA that I was working for at the time, and they basically told me I wouldn't be allowed to keep working there if I transitioned. It made for a challenging few weeks, but I ended up getting an awesome job at the university and never looked back.

Bridesmaid at her sister's wedding.

Monika: "Passing" is a word we hear so often in our community. Did you ever struggle with it? And, on a related note, did your transition involve any cosmetic surgeries?

Jessica: I rarely have issues with people thinking I'm male or that I'm not genetically female. The only times I have issues are when people can't see me. My voice is in that androgynous area. So, sometimes over the phone, I get “sir”. Once they ask me my name, they usually apologize though.
In general though, no one questions my gender. I do wish there was a better term than “passing” because it really doesn't do our community and our identities justice.
As far as your question about cosmetic surgeries, I did go through reassignment surgery. Unfortunately, estrogen didn't do much to my chest, so I got breast augmentation done. I also got a tracheal shave / Adam's apple reduction. They were all done at the same time as SRS. Call it a “package” deal. ;)
I'd also like to add that I think it's unfortunate that the term “passing” is so prevalent in the trans community. To me, the term “passing” or “passing as a woman” implies that I'm not a woman. I don't view “passing” as the goal of transition. To me, the goal has always been to be myself and to be happy. I think “passing” as a concept does a bit of harm to our community because it skews people's expectations and understanding of what it means to be trans.

Monika: Some believe modern cosmetic surgery makes it possible to transition even in your 50s or 60s. Do you think that's realistic, and what advice would you offer transgender women considering transition later in life?

Jessica: As I mentioned, to me transition is not about surgery or about passing. It's about being yourself and being happy with who you are. Whether that involves simply dressing how you feel, taking hormones, getting surgery, or whatever else, by all means, do what you need to do to be yourself. I've known women and men who have transitioned both young and old. So yes, it's quite possible. The best advice I can give is to just be yourself and don't worry about passing.

Speaking at Queer Camp: Milwaukee.

Monika: Every one of us needs someone to look up to. Did you have any transgender role models during your transition, and how much did you actually know about being transgender at that point?

Jessica: When I was transitioning, I didn't know much about trans issues or transgender as a concept. I didn't really know anyone else who was trans and had no one to look to for advice. I took it upon myself to research and learn, which was perfect since I was in college and needed topics to do research papers on.
Out of that research, I felt empowered with my knowledge and started doing talks at the university I was attending. My talks became very popular and I got invited by many professors, and then other schools, and then national organizations. I made that same knowledge available online, in website form. My goal was to make that knowledge easily available to future trans people, so they'd have the information that I didn't have. In essence, I became the role model I never had.
Monika: If you had to pick a single hardest moment of coming out, what would it be?
Jessica: The hardest thing about coming out was probably telling my younger sister and my closest friends. My sister and I had been close growing up, and she took it particularly hard. It took years before we were friends again. My close friends took it well, but there are some that I no longer speak with. It's always hard to lose friends. And of course... bathrooms. Bathrooms are never easy during the transition. Oh... and money, but I mentioned that in an earlier question.

At the Arboretum in Madison, WI.

Monika: Transition is so often described as gradual rather than sudden. Even so, was there a moment when you finally felt like a woman?

Jessica: Transition is such a gradual process that it's hard to say that there was any definitive point in which I was “finally” a woman, but there were moments when I saw a distinct change in how people addressed me. I had spent a spring semester in college doing voice training with the university's communicative disorders clinic. It happened to be the same semester that I started taking hormones.
During the following summer, I spent a lot of time on my voice. I had no idea that by the end of the summer I had trained my voice to sound naturally higher.
When I came back to school, people almost didn't recognize me. I had softer features and my voice sounded different. It was really the first time I felt like people saw me as a woman. It brought with it a sense of peace and harmony that is hard to describe. The dissonance of my physical and mental self was disappearing.

END OF PART 1

PART 2

 

All the photos: courtesy of Jessica Janiuk.

© 2013 - Monika Kowalska

You may also like