Living Smile Vidya, lovingly known as Smiley, is a groundbreaking artist, writer, and activist whose journey has reshaped the cultural and political imagination of India. Born into the Arunthatiyar caste and raised in Chennai, Smiley grew up with the quiet defiance of a girl who knew who she was, even when the world insisted otherwise. Her early years were shaped by both caste oppression and gender invisibility, and yet she emerged with a voice that would refuse silence. She describes herself as “a woman in my heart,” and her life has been a testament to that deep, unwavering truth. Smiley's mother worked as a street cleaner and domestic laborer, and while society extended Smiley a boy’s education by mistake, she used that opportunity to forge a different future, not just for herself, but for many like her. With a master’s degree in applied linguistics and a passion for the stage, Smiley gravitated toward theatre while at university, drawn to its power for transformation and truth-telling. After undergoing gender affirmation surgery and spending two years working in rural banking, she turned fully toward the arts, becoming India’s first full-time trans theatre actress.
Her performances, raw, daring, and deeply personal, earned her recognition not just for her talent, but for the courage with which she told her story. From short films and documentaries to clowning and dance, Smiley explored every form of expression that let her body speak her truth. In 2013, she was awarded a scholarship by the Charles Wallace India Trust and trained at the London International School of Performing Arts, an experience that would ignite her dream of building collectives. The following year, she co-founded the Panmai theatre troupe alongside fellow trans artists, creating a space where marginalized voices could take center stage, literally. Smiley’s activism is inseparable from her art. Fiercely committed to both Dalit and transgender rights, she has challenged dominant narratives, refused erasure, and demanded representation that honors the intersectional realities of caste and gender. Her autobiography, I Am Vidya, has been translated into seven languages and inspired an award-winning film, offering an intimate glimpse into the strength and tenderness of a woman who chose visibility in a world that tried to keep her invisible.
Monika: Today, I have the great pleasure of speaking with Living Smile Vidya, affectionately known as Smiley. She’s an inspirational figure from India: a trailblazing actress, assistant director, and transgender activist. Smiley, thank you so much for joining me today!
Smiley: Hi Monika, thank you! It’s truly an honour to be part of your series and to share this space with you.
Monika: You’ve built a remarkable career in both theatre and cinema, working as an assistant director in Kollywood and performing in Tamil theatre. Could you share a few reflections on your journey in film and on stage?
Smiley: Well, theatre is always my first love. When I was 19 years old, I decided to become an actress, and while doing my post-graduation at university, I spent most of my time in the Theater Department rather than in my Linguistics Department. So I was able to do a couple of plays. But at that time, I was still known to my colleagues and classmates as a boy.
|
| The autobiography. |
Smiley: Well, theatre is always my first love. When I was 19 years old, I decided to become an actress, and while doing my post-graduation at university, I spent most of my time in the Theater Department rather than in my Linguistics Department. So I was able to do a couple of plays. But at that time, I was still known to my colleagues and classmates as a boy.
After my post-graduation, I went to Pune for my castration, and I had to stay there for a while. Once I came back, I faced challenges finding a mainstream job. After a long struggle, I found work at a rural bank. Only then did I realize that I was the first trans woman in India to work in a mainstream job rather than for an NGO.
Monika: Even with your groundbreaking mainstream job, your heart seemed to remain in theatre. Was it difficult to find your way back to the stage?
Monika: Even with your groundbreaking mainstream job, your heart seemed to remain in theatre. Was it difficult to find your way back to the stage?
Smiley: Beyond this, I wanted to work in theater, but I realized that all my friends in theater were not sure how to handle a trans woman as an actress. That was when my autobiography was released and I became quite famous, so some film directors heard about me.
First, I worked with Mr. Siva Kumar, but due to some financial problems, that movie was dropped. In the meantime, I had a chance to meet Mr. Mysskin (who is one of the few directors who showed trans women in a decent way in his movies). I just thanked him for showing us in a good manner, and he had also read my blog and articles about movies. We had a good chat, and I asked him whether I could work with him, and he said yes…!! I was learning a lot; it was a great experience, fun, and so on. But I was not feeling satisfied because theater was my first love. In the meantime, I became more comfortable with myself, and I started doing theater again, and so, here I am…
Monika: Are there any film directors or specific movies that have deeply inspired your artistic vision?
Smiley: Of course, my director, Mr. Mysskin, Pedro Almodóvar, and Quentin Tarantino. There are many special movies that deal with human relationships, humanity, gender crises, and politics.
Monika: Many people argue that the film industry still resists giving women, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, a fair chance to tell their stories. What has your experience been like as a woman in cinema?
Smiley: Of course, in Tamil cinema, there were some female directors from the beginning. But contemporary cinema is quite tricky. There are some really good films, and some are rubbish. When it comes to female directors, the industry is not willing to accept them, and the only way for female directors to survive is if they’re producers as well. That’s also another reason why I quit the film industry. As a trans woman, you need to put in ten times the hard work, and at the end of the day, you're still not sure you'll be recognized. In my case, I had already spent 25 years miserably. I just want to live happily for myself, no more proving talent for zero results. And also, it’s not my favourite place.
Monika: Are there any film directors or specific movies that have deeply inspired your artistic vision?
Smiley: Of course, my director, Mr. Mysskin, Pedro Almodóvar, and Quentin Tarantino. There are many special movies that deal with human relationships, humanity, gender crises, and politics.
Monika: Many people argue that the film industry still resists giving women, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, a fair chance to tell their stories. What has your experience been like as a woman in cinema?
Smiley: Of course, in Tamil cinema, there were some female directors from the beginning. But contemporary cinema is quite tricky. There are some really good films, and some are rubbish. When it comes to female directors, the industry is not willing to accept them, and the only way for female directors to survive is if they’re producers as well. That’s also another reason why I quit the film industry. As a trans woman, you need to put in ten times the hard work, and at the end of the day, you're still not sure you'll be recognized. In my case, I had already spent 25 years miserably. I just want to live happily for myself, no more proving talent for zero results. And also, it’s not my favourite place.
|
| Courtesy of Living Smile Vidya. |
Monika: How do you feel about the way transgender stories have been represented so far in films, newspapers, and books?
Smiley: In the very beginning, in print media, we were portrayed as criminals, kidnappers, and sexual perverts. In the early 2000s, things were a little different, and we were portrayed somewhat like in Discovery Channel stories. Like, hmmm… “They are also human, we should accept them, we should love them, and blah blah…” In films, it was all about men in awkward women’s dresses, with awkward voices, and longing for sex. So annoying! But it reached the audience and prejudiced people against trans women, though we did not deserve to be treated like shit… But now, things are starting to change, though I don’t like that feeling of “sorry for us,” you know..?!
Monika: Your autobiography is widely regarded as one of the most powerful transgender memoirs and has been translated into seven Indian languages. What motivated you to share your story in book form?
Smiley: I can say that it was all due to my lovely brother, Mr. S. Bala Bharathi. He was the one who asked me to write a blog and continuously encouraged me, and the blog was a huge success then. One day, Kilakku Publishers came up asking me to write my autobiography, and I just accepted it with half a mind. When I started writing, ohhhh, trust me, it was worse than my life to recollect all the memories, ahh...
Smiley: In the very beginning, in print media, we were portrayed as criminals, kidnappers, and sexual perverts. In the early 2000s, things were a little different, and we were portrayed somewhat like in Discovery Channel stories. Like, hmmm… “They are also human, we should accept them, we should love them, and blah blah…” In films, it was all about men in awkward women’s dresses, with awkward voices, and longing for sex. So annoying! But it reached the audience and prejudiced people against trans women, though we did not deserve to be treated like shit… But now, things are starting to change, though I don’t like that feeling of “sorry for us,” you know..?!
Monika: Your autobiography is widely regarded as one of the most powerful transgender memoirs and has been translated into seven Indian languages. What motivated you to share your story in book form?
Smiley: I can say that it was all due to my lovely brother, Mr. S. Bala Bharathi. He was the one who asked me to write a blog and continuously encouraged me, and the blog was a huge success then. One day, Kilakku Publishers came up asking me to write my autobiography, and I just accepted it with half a mind. When I started writing, ohhhh, trust me, it was worse than my life to recollect all the memories, ahh...
|
| Courtesy of Living Smile Vidya. |
Monika: You’ve referred to your gender reassignment surgery as your “nirvana.” That’s quite a profound and intriguing comparison. Could you explain what you meant by that?
Smiley: Well, I won’t say that exactly… yeah, in a way it makes sense, but “nirvana” is a concept rooted in Hinduism and Buddhism. I’ve always been cautious about linking gender with religion because those two operate in entirely different spheres. I mean, gender is deeply personal, it's about who you are at the core, and that’s not something religion, culture, or geography should dictate. Too often, people try to interpret gender identities through religious or cultural lenses, and that leads to misunderstandings or even prejudice. My surgery was a deeply liberating experience, yes, it gave me peace, a sense of completeness I had long been searching for. But I wouldn't frame that experience using religious terms, because I believe gender should stand independently, free from external belief systems or ideologies.
Monika: In recent years, Indian society has begun to engage more openly with gender diversity. From your perspective, how would you describe the current situation of transgender women in India? Have there been noticeable changes in terms of social inclusion, career opportunities, or public perception?
Smiley: Just a couple of years ago, people thought the only options available for transwomen were sex work or working with NGOs. However, this new generation of transwomen is aiming higher. There are fresh, ambitious ideas coming from younger transwomen, they want to work in government sectors, in the media, in politics, and they are determined to move beyond the traditional roles of begging and sex work. I see a growing confidence among trans youth today; they are bolder and more vocal about their rights. Social media has played a huge role in building awareness and helping transwomen connect with one another across regions. But despite this progress, systemic barriers still exist, and the journey toward true equality is far from over.
Monika: Would you describe yourself as a feminist, and if so, what does feminism mean to you personally?
Smiley: Undoubtedly, yes! For me, feminism is about breaking down all forms of patriarchy and ensuring that every gender identity has space, voice, and dignity. Being a transwoman has made my relationship with feminism deeply personal. I’ve experienced multiple layers of marginalization, not just as a woman, but as a transwoman, and that has given me a stronger sense of why feminism must be intersectional. I believe true feminism includes not only cisgender women but also transgender women, nonbinary people, and anyone affected by gender-based oppression. Sadly, many feminist spaces in India still struggle with trans inclusion, but I think that’s slowly changing with the younger generation. I’m proud to be part of a movement that demands equality for all, not just for a privileged few.
Smiley: Well, I won’t say that exactly… yeah, in a way it makes sense, but “nirvana” is a concept rooted in Hinduism and Buddhism. I’ve always been cautious about linking gender with religion because those two operate in entirely different spheres. I mean, gender is deeply personal, it's about who you are at the core, and that’s not something religion, culture, or geography should dictate. Too often, people try to interpret gender identities through religious or cultural lenses, and that leads to misunderstandings or even prejudice. My surgery was a deeply liberating experience, yes, it gave me peace, a sense of completeness I had long been searching for. But I wouldn't frame that experience using religious terms, because I believe gender should stand independently, free from external belief systems or ideologies.
Monika: In recent years, Indian society has begun to engage more openly with gender diversity. From your perspective, how would you describe the current situation of transgender women in India? Have there been noticeable changes in terms of social inclusion, career opportunities, or public perception?
Smiley: Just a couple of years ago, people thought the only options available for transwomen were sex work or working with NGOs. However, this new generation of transwomen is aiming higher. There are fresh, ambitious ideas coming from younger transwomen, they want to work in government sectors, in the media, in politics, and they are determined to move beyond the traditional roles of begging and sex work. I see a growing confidence among trans youth today; they are bolder and more vocal about their rights. Social media has played a huge role in building awareness and helping transwomen connect with one another across regions. But despite this progress, systemic barriers still exist, and the journey toward true equality is far from over.
Monika: Would you describe yourself as a feminist, and if so, what does feminism mean to you personally?
Smiley: Undoubtedly, yes! For me, feminism is about breaking down all forms of patriarchy and ensuring that every gender identity has space, voice, and dignity. Being a transwoman has made my relationship with feminism deeply personal. I’ve experienced multiple layers of marginalization, not just as a woman, but as a transwoman, and that has given me a stronger sense of why feminism must be intersectional. I believe true feminism includes not only cisgender women but also transgender women, nonbinary people, and anyone affected by gender-based oppression. Sadly, many feminist spaces in India still struggle with trans inclusion, but I think that’s slowly changing with the younger generation. I’m proud to be part of a movement that demands equality for all, not just for a privileged few.
|
| Courtesy of Living Smile Vidya. |
Monika: In many parts of India, women still face systemic challenges that limit their freedom, safety, and opportunities. Do you believe there are effective ways to uplift their social status and create a more equal society for all? What kinds of changes would you like to see at the educational or policy level?
Smiley: Yeah... this needs to start with our school syllabus. Not only women, but also Dalits, religious minorities, transwomen, and transmen, they all need to be treated as equals. And in all cases, education and job opportunities need to be broadly open to all of us. We need inclusive policies that go beyond tokenism and actively work to dismantle discrimination at every level. Representation in leadership roles and media narratives can also shift public perception and inspire change. It’s about creating a system that doesn’t just allow us to survive, but one in which we can thrive with dignity.
Monika: Can you share when you first realized you were a trans woman, and how your transition journey began? Was it a difficult process emotionally and socially? Did you receive any support from your family or friends during that time?
Smiley: I think for any trans man or woman, your real gender realization starts in your teenage years, so far, it’s socially constructed, isn’t it? And so, in my teen years, I realized that I wasn’t a regular boy, but I was forced to perform like one, and of course, I failed. When I was 18, I realized that I’m a trans woman, and I was not happy. I was scared about what my future would be, and I never told anyone in my family or in my class about my gender crisis.
Smiley: I think for any trans man or woman, your real gender realization starts in your teenage years, so far, it’s socially constructed, isn’t it? And so, in my teen years, I realized that I wasn’t a regular boy, but I was forced to perform like one, and of course, I failed. When I was 18, I realized that I’m a trans woman, and I was not happy. I was scared about what my future would be, and I never told anyone in my family or in my class about my gender crisis.
I thought I could keep my femininity within me and cheat the whole world by pretending to be a boy, but it didn’t work. So, I decided to commit suicide. But then I thought, “Anyway, I’m going to die. Let’s just give it a try, live for a while the way I want, and then die.” So, I came to Chennai, and from there I moved to Pune. I begged, I had horrible times and also happy times dressing up and embracing my womanhood. Yeah, my family didn’t accept me when I told them the truth, but after all these years, now they’re okay.
Monika: During the time of your transition, were there any transgender role models you looked up to or drew inspiration from? Did anyone’s journey help guide your own?
Smiley: Not exactly. I thought of a few, but when I had the chance to meet them, I realized that they weren’t like me, and I just followed my own instincts.
Monika: Looking back, what would you say was the most difficult part of coming out and living authentically as yourself? What challenged you the most emotionally or socially during that period?
Smiley: Begging... I felt like I lost my self-respect. I was at university, first in my Linguistics post-graduation. Well, only 6 students, by the way… And I would’ve been a well-settled professor or something if I were a boy, or as an actor I would’ve been in cinema as a well-paid actor. But this gender crisis led me to be a beggar, so that’s the hardest part of it.
Monika: During the time of your transition, were there any transgender role models you looked up to or drew inspiration from? Did anyone’s journey help guide your own?
Smiley: Not exactly. I thought of a few, but when I had the chance to meet them, I realized that they weren’t like me, and I just followed my own instincts.
|
| Living Smile Vidya. |
Smiley: Begging... I felt like I lost my self-respect. I was at university, first in my Linguistics post-graduation. Well, only 6 students, by the way… And I would’ve been a well-settled professor or something if I were a boy, or as an actor I would’ve been in cinema as a well-paid actor. But this gender crisis led me to be a beggar, so that’s the hardest part of it.
Monika: Have you ever considered getting involved in mainstream politics? Do you take part in any advocacy or lobbying efforts to push for policy changes? In your view, how can transgender women influence the political landscape?
Smiley: Yes, I strongly believe we need to be in mainstream politics so we can bring job and education opportunities, and that’s how we can change heteronormative policies.
Smiley: Yes, I strongly believe we need to be in mainstream politics so we can bring job and education opportunities, and that’s how we can change heteronormative policies.
Monika: Are you passionate about fashion? What styles or types of outfits do you usually prefer? Do you have any favorite designers, colors, or current trends you like to follow?
Smiley: I love to look good. Sometimes I really like to look very girly; other times I prefer a tomboy look.
Monika: How do you feel about transgender beauty pageants? Do you think they are important platforms for visibility and empowerment?
Smiley: I like them, but in India, they have just stopped beauty pageants. There are many more things we need to do, don’t we?
Monika: Do you envision getting married and starting a family someday? Could you share how important love is in your life?
Smiley: Legal marriage acceptance is one of my major human rights priorities. Personally, I want to have a relationship, but I don’t want to just end up as someone’s wife. I want to have a baby of my own, like nine months in the womb, the whole process of carrying and delivering a child… I’m just dying for it. And I know it’s not practical, you know. Beyond my gender, my life is more like theater, lots of travel and a lot of poverty, so I can’t afford a baby practically, even if I wanted to adopt one.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who are afraid of transitioning because of discrimination and hatred?
Smiley: Practically speaking, even if you don’t accept your transition, discrimination and hatred will still be there, waiting for you at some point. On the other hand, if you’re too scared to transition, that’s up to you. It’s your life, so you have to decide, you know...
|
| Courtesy of Living Smile Vidya. |
Monika: You have your own blog livingsmile. What information do you cover there?
Smiley: Gender, Film, Theater, Feminisim; sometimes my poems and my general experience or opinions.
Monika: Where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Smiley: As a more professional actress and founder of my own trans theater group; there are many things I don’t want to tell now.
Monika: Would you say that you are a happy woman now?
Smiley: Here and there yes but on the whole hmm; No!
Monika: Dear Smiley, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Smiley: The pleasure is mine, honey… What you are doing is a great work and I’m very happy that I’m a tiny part of it… One Love; One Heart!
All the photos: courtesy of Living Smile Vidya.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
Other publications about Living Smile Vidya:
No comments:
Post a Comment