After the passing of her long-term partner and her father, Merryn found herself standing at a crossroads with no emotional obstacles left, only the open road of transition ahead. With honesty, warmth, and a sprinkle of wit, she speaks of growing up as an only child among farm animals, escaping into music, and forging a fiercely independent path through anxiety, silence, and, finally, self-acceptance. Merryn may describe herself as “not best known for saying just a few words,” but each one she offers carries the quiet strength of a woman who has earned her voice. Whether she’s writing songs, lifting weights at the gym, or softening her wardrobe’s blacks with plum and apricot florals, she remains refreshingly grounded. She doesn’t chase pageants or platforms, just connection. And in doing so, she becomes a role model not by design, but by example. It is with admiration and heartfelt curiosity that I welcome Merryn to this interview.
Monika: I'm thrilled to be joined today by Merryn Witherspoon, a video blogger who openly shares her transition journey with thousands of viewers on YouTube. Merryn, welcome, and thank you for being here!
Merryn: Hi Monika! Thank you so much for having me, I'm excited to chat with you today.
Monika: Let’s start by getting to know you a little better. How would you describe yourself to someone meeting you for the first time?
Merryn: I’m not best known for only saying a few words, Monika, but I’ll try! I’m a middle-aged digital creative living in the lovely Cotswolds in South Gloucestershire, West England. Essentially, I’ve been ‘T’ since I was three years of age, but for a variety of personal reasons, I tried to conform to society’s male expectations until very recently. I’m now single again after losing my late partner eighteen months ago, but I have some wonderful family members in the UK and South Africa. My main non-work time is largely devoted to songwriting and live music, and quite intensive cardio fitness sessions at my local gym.
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| 1987-2014. |
Monika: What inspired you to document your transition journey on YouTube rather than keeping it private or sharing it in another way?
Merryn: Partly as a ‘walking, talking’ resource for my friends and family, rather than the static photos I tend to circulate with every ‘coming out’ email! And partly for my own cathartic, and vanity, reasons. I guess I wanted to try and explain things in a more conversational, human way than merely words on paper.
Monika: Where would you say you are right now in your transition journey, both emotionally and medically?
Merryn: Although I’ve actively cross-dressed and cultivated my visual appearance ever since I was three years of age, I’m really only now at the very start of proper transition. My sexual preference is for female partners, and I had a very long-term relationship that ended 18 months ago when my partner died after several years of health problems, during the last two of which I was effectively her carer. She knew very early on about my T status and was 50% supportive throughout. After she died, I found the whole T aspect rising to the surface again, and after a difficult time five months ago, I finally decided to do something about it.
I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. The only real remaining concern I had was my father, he was 84, had spent the last three years caring for my mother, was not having a good time, and his own health was deteriorating. I knew that I could not and would not let this alter my course, but I was equally very worried about having to tell him, especially once the effects of HRT started to become visible. My doctor and I decided to wait as long as possible before telling him, and in the end, he died very recently, which thankfully spared us both the trauma of that potential difficulty, for which I’m massively grateful. My mother is in a nursing home and more or less oblivious to anything much so I have no real emotional obstacles preventing my transition now.
Monika: What was your childhood like? Do you remember the moment when you first sensed that you didn’t identify with being a boy?
Merryn: When I was three years of age. I know that because I can remember the house we lived in when I had that first-ever feeling, and we’d moved from there by the time I was four. That continued regularly until I was about seven or eight, by which time I was becoming aware that my behaviour at home and school was not considered acceptable, and I became more secretive.
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| Coming up roses! |
Merryn: It wasn’t too bad for me, actually. I hit puberty at eleven, but nothing happened! Apart from my voice breaking and growing a light dusting of facial hair, I didn’t grow beyond 5’3”, didn’t develop much of a masculine physique, didn’t grow any male body hair as such (I just have very minimal downy body hair, which is almost invisible as I’m blonde), and I didn’t develop a visible Adam’s apple. As a result, I seemed to manage to miss the main traumatic results of male puberty, though I was teased increasingly about my lack of height, but not in an especially negative way.
Overall, I had quite a happy and contented childhood, apart from my constant fretting about these ‘strange’ feelings that made me feel a bit different, and which, at least from my point of view, made me aware that I had seemingly different ideas and behavior compared to my male peers. I was an only child and had always lived in the country, and I was quite used to being on my own with lots of pets and farm animals around, which was fine. When I did socialize, I was always far more comfortable with girls, and I still am to this day.
Monika: Was there anything in school life that helped you cope or gave you a sense of belonging?
Merryn: I hated school sport from the start and was totally useless at team sports especially. It was a constant source of major embarrassment for me, my peers, and the teachers! By the time I reached senior school, they let me off games and allowed me to do extra music instead. It was the music that I think rather saved me from potential bullying, as by thirteen I was becoming quite well known at school as a decent guitarist, and I suspect it gave me some degree of ‘street cred’ that I may well otherwise not have had.
I’ve been a very active and fairly high-level musician and songwriter all my adult life, and the last ten years have been especially productive, but I’m now taking a sabbatical for a while! I may take it up again publicly at some stage, but right now, I don’t feel any great need and am happy to have a decent break.
Monika: When did things become more difficult emotionally, and how did you navigate that period?
Merryn: I had no compulsion for any sexual relationships and, to the greatest extent, felt (if anything) that I was stuck on a genderless fence. That was increasingly uncomfortable, but I felt unable to discuss it with anyone, as my parents were very conservative and ‘black and white’ people. The idea of ‘shades of grey’ or non-standard issues didn’t really exist for them, though that was largely a common trait of their generation. I also had no siblings to discuss personal things with.
The most serious problem I had was when I was 17 and was suddenly hit by depression and anxiety. I remember the day it happened, and it was awful. I started to have daily panic attacks, and it messed up my last year at school. But no one asked me what was wrong, and even my GP put it down to ‘growing pains’. I just managed to scrape enough grades to get me into college, which at least allowed me to leave home and my somewhat controlled and sheltered life.
In the second term, I turned 19 and plucked up the courage to see the college doctor about my issues. He was young and clueless, and his reaction just sent me back into the shadows for years to come. It took me four years of self-help to sort out the anxiety, but when it finally disappeared, I felt amazingly strong mentally, and also far more aware of the world, somehow, like coming out of a long, dark tunnel into bright sunlight. As a result, I seem to have managed to cope with and deal with a continuous barrage of difficult and complex situations quite well ever since, both my own and others’.
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| Smiling through. |
Monika: Do you look up to any transgender individuals who have inspired or influenced your journey?
Merryn: No, not especially. I’ve been very aware of Lynn Conway and her ‘Transsexual Success’ pages for many years, and I think there are some very good examples there of what’s possible, but I’ve never felt any great need for a role model personally. I am very much my own person.
Monika: What aspect of coming out did you find the most emotionally challenging or difficult to handle?
Merryn: Telling people! I only really began this process 5 months ago and there are still several ‘B’ list people who don’t yet know but all my ‘A’ list have been fantastic and I know that I’m amazingly lucky.
Merryn: Telling people! I only really began this process five months ago, and there are still several ‘B list’ people who don’t yet know, but all my ‘A list’ have been fantastic, and I know that I’m amazingly lucky. After the first two or three, it became a bit easier, as by then I’d honed my patter and explanation, but it was still always very nerve-wracking when I hit ‘Send’, and still is.
Monika: How do you view the current situation for transgender women in the UK, both socially and legally?
Merryn: Much improved, really, both in terms of national medical and legal recognition and support, at least, and also media coverage, which has largely become more adult and sensible. In the past, tabloid coverage was especially awful and typically sought to sensationalize the topic by focusing on rather poor examples, who often appeared to be rabid attention-seekers and exhibitionists, ready to complain to the press over the slightest perceived public slight.
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| Christmas 2013. |
Merryn: To a certain extent, I think so. There’s the enduring April Ashley, of course, who recently received an MBE from Prince Charles in recognition of her pioneering efforts as a transgender woman. (I can’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure I heard Prince Philip said to her, ‘About bloody time too!’).
In the ’80s, I was very aware of Caroline Cossey who was outed as having been a Bond Girl. I even bought her biography, Tula – I Am a Woman, which was a fascinating read.
Paris Lees has become quite a well-known contemporary figure, campaigner, and media personality in the last year or so, and she is doing great work to promote a more positive public attitude. In fact, it largely seems to be the younger trans generation who are really banding together and becoming more visible now, which makes sense on several levels. This visibility reflects both the progress society has made and the impact of modern 24/7 communications that penetrate every corner of public and personal life.
Then there’s the wonderful Grayson Perry, of course! I’m not entirely sure where Grayson fits within the trans spectrum, to be honest, but he’s rapidly becoming an endearing British ‘character’ and even recently received a CBE in his female alter ego, also from Prince Charles.
Monika: Are you involved in politics or advocacy? Do you participate in any lobbying efforts? And do you believe transgender women can make a meaningful impact in the political arena?
Merryn: I’m really more socially minded than political, and my current public interest is mainly in the media portrayal of the trans community. However, I do think that the trans part of the LGBTQ community is the last to be properly addressed politically, especially in relation to schools where current policies are very poor and almost non-existent.
I have a good teacher friend who is currently responsible for a 16-year-old F2M student, and I’m having to provide a lot of knowledge and information resources, as the school has no procedures or guidance on how to handle such situations. There’s a very good project running for younger people aged 18 to 30 called ‘All About Trans,’ which is liaising with mainstream broadcasters like the BBC regarding coverage and media perception of trans people. I’m currently in touch with one of their researchers and providing access to some of my media contacts who I think will be interested.
Monika: How do you feel about fashion? What kinds of outfits do you usually prefer? Are there any particular styles, colors, or trends that you’re drawn to?
Merryn: Although at home when I’m on my own I’m generally in jeans and T-shirts, I do quite like fashion! Nothing too avant-garde, but I enjoy general trends picked up by High Street retailers. Socially and for work, I’ve always preferred quite feminine styles and especially like the current trends in skater-style skirts and dresses. I know I tend to wear too much black by default, but I soften it by choosing bright floral overprints. Pink, apricot, plum, wine, and sage green are also good colors for me. Even though I’m only 5’3”, I don’t like heels over 3 inches, but I definitely need to buy some more footwear, especially for this coming summer.
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| Never far from the kettle! |
Merryn: I’m not overly keen, to be honest, but then I feel the same about any pageants! I find them all a bit too bubblegum and cheesy, I’m afraid. However, I do understand that for some people they can be empowering and provide a platform to celebrate identity and confidence. Ultimately, I think it depends on how they are run and the values they promote.
Monika: How connected are you with your local LGBT community? Do you take part in any events or initiatives?
Merryn: Hardly at all, to be honest. I’m happy to help develop a better public image of the T community and educate those who need educating, but I’m not a great T-exclusive socializer. I tend to prefer smaller, more informal gatherings where meaningful conversations can happen. That said, I appreciate the work local groups do and support their efforts from a distance.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who are afraid of starting their transition early because of discrimination and hatred?
Merryn: That’s a really tough question. Overall, the world is a much better place for trans people now than it was 20 years ago, and the internet has helped reveal just how many trans people there are worldwide. Many have undoubtedly benefited from the online and offline communities that have developed, which in turn have raised public, political, and medical awareness.
I see many younger trans people online now, which is great, they generally seem less afraid to raise their heads above the parapet. There will always be ignorant, dangerous, bigoted, chauvinistic, and feminist factions that make life difficult not just for trans people but for many others as well. Try to avoid these whenever possible and seek support from your local or national LGBT resources as a good starting point.
Monika: What are your next steps right now, and where do you see yourself in the next 5 to 7 years?
Merryn: I’ve just received confirmation this week of my referral to the gender clinic, but it will still be a while before my first appointment. I’m now considering starting the process privately rather than through the UK’s National Health Service, so I can hopefully begin HRT as soon as possible, ideally by this summer. I’m also planning to have facial feminization surgery (FFS) with FacialTeam in 3 to 4 months. That is especially important to me, and I’m hoping it will boost my public confidence.
I’m starting electrolysis and speech therapy within the next two weeks as well. I hope to complete my full transition within 2 to 3 years, and during this time I want to keep working as I do now. I still have my mother to look after, and it’s impossible to know how long she might have left. I would certainly like to travel more again, and maybe one day move abroad somewhere warm while maintaining a foothold in England. I’m open to the idea of another relationship, but it will have to be with someone quite special.
Monika: Would you say that you are a happy woman now?
Merryn: Yes, to the extent that I’ve now committed to beginning full transition. I’ve never been too sure what happiness really means, to be honest, but I’ve had some recent flashes of what it might be in these last few months. I suspect and hope that these moments will become more frequent and sustained as time goes by.
Monika: Merryn, it’s been a pleasure to interview you. Thanks so much!
END OF PART 1
All the photos: courtesy of Merryn Witherspoon.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
