I felt I needed to share the highs and lows of accepting yourself as well as the struggle and pain of family, friends and societies acceptance of being a transgender woman! The more I videos I made the more it became like free therapy, allowing me to express my most intimate struggles and acceptance of my new life!
I have only myself to rely on and that’s how it should be so I’m scared to quit and have nothing to fall back on! I have several goals to still achieve and as long as I continue to push forward I know I can achieve them!
|3 years HRT. Happy today.|
I was fortunate to have sisters: 2 older and one younger, and throughout my life my older sisters handed me down clothes, which became my wardrobe.
I was about 7 when I remember wearing one the dance costumes my oldest sister had. I remember how it made me feel beautiful and special and free all at the same time. I was so proud and confident in myself that I put on a dance show for my sister and Mother!
I learned that day, that was unacceptable! I was told it was wrong and that normal kids don’t do those things! I was crushed! The feeling that I was not supposed to be one of the boys was already so deep in my heart I could not stop it from running my life!
I did however learn how to suppress the outward expression of my true feelings. I pushed those feelings deep down and never let it overtake my outward life. I learned to mimic the boys and to be accepted into their world, as one of them. I wanted to turn away from feeling feminine, so life would be less complicated but it was always with me and every day I hated myself for feeling that way!
I was in my early 30’s before it became clear I would never be free of the way I thought. I would always be haunted by the feeling that I was never going to be like the other guys. I wanted to be a woman! I was already a woman in my heart and mind and always had been but had to those feeling deep inside and hide my true self!
When I was ready to accept that I was never going to stop feeling like I was the wrong sex! I finally “came out” to a friend whom I barely knew. She called me out when I did an “impersonation” of my sisters. She told me that it seemed to her like my “impersonation” was really just me letting my true self shine! I was floored and came clean about how I felt, how my whole life I felt like I was hiding the woman within.
She put her arms around me and gave me a comforting hug. She was the first person to ever be accepting and supportive of my desire to transition to female. I was ready to begin! I shed a tremendous weight literally and figuratively I lost 150 lbs over the course of a year and half, and began to allow my true self to run my life!
I came out to friends and family and it all went terrible and I lost a lot of friends and isolated my family. I lived as female for a year before starting psychological therapy each day challenging myself to experience some part of life as female. It was little things like going to a gas station, movies or being around a close group of accepting friends.
I began psychological therapy then hormone treatment and that’s where I am today. There is still a strain with family, it’s give and take, for every step forward we make it seems like we take to giant leaps back. I have no regrets and even though I am not as far as I would like to be I am still proud of what I have accomplished and glad I made the choice to accept myself!
|Coming out New Years Eve 2010.|
I would try for another job and there are a couple of companies that have EDNA in place however being in the South I face discrimination and have been unable to get past the initial interview with those companies.
I also have faced and still face a lot of discrimination in public. Southerners are resistant to change and are afraid what they don’t understand! I get stares and snickers and pointing and laughing and snide comments behind my back everywhere I go!
Sometimes I feel like screaming and other times all I can do is cry. When I feel like I can’t take it anymore, I remember, always be yourself! My mantra since I can remember. I know that I can get through it all because there is no going back, I’m finally free! I am proud to live as myself and not have to hide who I am anymore.
The worst pain of all is the strain on the relationship with my parents. Growing up were all very close and throughout my adult life I grew even closer to my parents. My parents have tried to be more accepting than other family, however it seems like when we progress forward in our relationship it stops and goes backwards, and we start all over again.
|150lb weight lost.|
My favorite color is purple, followed by pink, red, and blue. I wear flats or sandals with most outfits however I do on special occasion wear heels. I avoid them normally because I’m so tall and I don’t like bringing even more attention to myself by adding 3 or more inches of height when I’m already 6’5” tall!
Being transgender is a whole different world. Changing your gender identity to match that of the opposite sex has a unique set of challenges.
Hatred is real and be mindful and honest all the time, especially in a relationship. Fight hatred and discrimination with kindness. Even when the snickers and stares are too much and I want to be rude back, I remember to just smile.
Monika: Could you say that you are a happy woman now?